Please Contribute: Living With An Alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 20
Drinking/drunk in front of my little brothers and parents, broken promises, humiliating me in front of his friends, arguing about sex (who wants to have sex with someone who smells so bad?), not coming home until way late, blaming everything on me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
his unreasonable resentments (oh yes...EVERYTHING was someone else's fault)
that glassed-over look in his eyes
the accusations that I 'must be' having an affair because I never talked to him or wanted to have sex with him...ever...
the feeling of dread i felt when he came to bed at night...praying that he would just pass out and not touch me.
spending my evenings in my room watching tv so i wouldn't have to interact with him
doing everything myself around the house and for our son because it was just 'easier' than asking him to do it.
living in fear and dread of the next catastrophy.
the isolation
the shame
the endless stream of fights
getting barraged with phone calls from him while i was at work about things i 'needed' to do for him while he sat at home on his a@@ all day doing nothing
looking at someone i used to love and realizing that they aren't there anymore. their body was there but their spirit was gone. very sad. truly very sad.
I am SO GLAD I'm not living like this any longer!!
that glassed-over look in his eyes
the accusations that I 'must be' having an affair because I never talked to him or wanted to have sex with him...ever...
the feeling of dread i felt when he came to bed at night...praying that he would just pass out and not touch me.
spending my evenings in my room watching tv so i wouldn't have to interact with him
doing everything myself around the house and for our son because it was just 'easier' than asking him to do it.
living in fear and dread of the next catastrophy.
the isolation
the shame
the endless stream of fights
getting barraged with phone calls from him while i was at work about things i 'needed' to do for him while he sat at home on his a@@ all day doing nothing
looking at someone i used to love and realizing that they aren't there anymore. their body was there but their spirit was gone. very sad. truly very sad.
I am SO GLAD I'm not living like this any longer!!
Let Go or Be Dragged
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 44
heres my story Learn2Live:
a lifetime ago i was living with my ABF. we lived together for 10 yrs. during that time, i kicked him out 3 times. (he had moved into my apt) During those 10 yrs, he lied to me , cheated on me, passed out all over my apt, peed my bed more times than i can remember...the list goes on. the last time i booted him out, i told him NO MORE, we are done. He quit drinking. got himself sober. we started talking on the phone, started seeing each other again. he was a different person. i fell head over heels in love with the new "him". The Christmas following his 1 yr sobriety, he gave me a diamond. i said yes. 7 months later we got married. 6 months into the marriage, he started drinking again. 16 yrs later, we divorced. you can fill in the gaps with just about every story you've likely read on here already. Wait...it gets better... 1 1/2 yrs after my divorce i met someone. i had NO intention of ever being with an A again. as i have SERIOUS trust issues, i moved oh so slowy....only agreed to talk on the phone for weeks. i asked everyone i could about him...what was he like...does he party? does he drink? does he have a temper?...is he trustworthy? u get the picture. everyone that knew him gave him RAVE reviews. said i will NEVER find anyone nicer...
On our 1st date, i put all my cards on the table...made my boundaries clear...wasnt ready for anything serious, just friendship with mutual respect, honesty, and trust. he said he was in the exact same place. i point blank asked him if he was a big drinker, or used drugs. he looked me in the eye and said no. maybe hv a beer or 2 on the weekend. we started dating...and my how well he hid it for the first 2 months. soon enuff, red flags were popping up everywhere. i couldnt believe it. how did i get here again?? how can i be so flipping STUPID. its now 2 1/2 yrs later and im still trying to break free...And thats what brought me to this web site....
Please....give yourself a HUGE pat on the back RITE NOW for dodging the bullet. YOU are one of the SMART ones! hugs to u...n thanks for listening!
a lifetime ago i was living with my ABF. we lived together for 10 yrs. during that time, i kicked him out 3 times. (he had moved into my apt) During those 10 yrs, he lied to me , cheated on me, passed out all over my apt, peed my bed more times than i can remember...the list goes on. the last time i booted him out, i told him NO MORE, we are done. He quit drinking. got himself sober. we started talking on the phone, started seeing each other again. he was a different person. i fell head over heels in love with the new "him". The Christmas following his 1 yr sobriety, he gave me a diamond. i said yes. 7 months later we got married. 6 months into the marriage, he started drinking again. 16 yrs later, we divorced. you can fill in the gaps with just about every story you've likely read on here already. Wait...it gets better... 1 1/2 yrs after my divorce i met someone. i had NO intention of ever being with an A again. as i have SERIOUS trust issues, i moved oh so slowy....only agreed to talk on the phone for weeks. i asked everyone i could about him...what was he like...does he party? does he drink? does he have a temper?...is he trustworthy? u get the picture. everyone that knew him gave him RAVE reviews. said i will NEVER find anyone nicer...
On our 1st date, i put all my cards on the table...made my boundaries clear...wasnt ready for anything serious, just friendship with mutual respect, honesty, and trust. he said he was in the exact same place. i point blank asked him if he was a big drinker, or used drugs. he looked me in the eye and said no. maybe hv a beer or 2 on the weekend. we started dating...and my how well he hid it for the first 2 months. soon enuff, red flags were popping up everywhere. i couldnt believe it. how did i get here again?? how can i be so flipping STUPID. its now 2 1/2 yrs later and im still trying to break free...And thats what brought me to this web site....
Please....give yourself a HUGE pat on the back RITE NOW for dodging the bullet. YOU are one of the SMART ones! hugs to u...n thanks for listening!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Me too SoBroken. I am an alcoholic/addict-magnet. I do not know how I got here again, how I did not see. It is horrible and I am so afraid to ever get involved with anyone ever again because I am just unable to choose a healthy person.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
I had to pick out a few of these because when I read them in other people's posts they ring so true, and I think "W.T.F'IN F am I doing still living with this?????????
I am SO GLAD I will soon not be living like this. I really, really hope it is soon. I am sick to my stomach reading these things. You know how we say we have normalised the abnormal and have grown accustomed to living in ridiculous conditions. It's only when I read these things posted by someone else that I think - what are they thinking putting up with this? And then I realise, that is my life too. It's a joke, it's crazy, it stinks!!!!!!
Adventure x
Originally Posted by outonalimb 
his unreasonable resentments (oh yes...EVERYTHING was someone else's fault)
that glassed-over look in his eyes
the accusations that I 'must be' having an affair because I never talked to him or wanted to have sex with him...ever...
spending my evenings in my room watching tv so i wouldn't have to interact with him
doing everything myself around the house because it was just 'easier' than asking him to do it.
living in fear and dread of the next catastrophy.
the isolation
the endless stream of fights
looking at someone i used to love and realizing that they aren't there anymore. their body was there but their spirit was gone. very sad. truly very sad.
I am SO GLAD I'm not living like this any longer!!
that glassed-over look in his eyes
the accusations that I 'must be' having an affair because I never talked to him or wanted to have sex with him...ever...
spending my evenings in my room watching tv so i wouldn't have to interact with him
doing everything myself around the house because it was just 'easier' than asking him to do it.
living in fear and dread of the next catastrophy.
the isolation
the endless stream of fights
looking at someone i used to love and realizing that they aren't there anymore. their body was there but their spirit was gone. very sad. truly very sad.
I am SO GLAD I'm not living like this any longer!!
Adventure x
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes, it's weird because we become so accustomed to the sickness, the chaos, the unpredictability that the sick reality of the alcoholic becomes OUR reality. We become sick also. It is insanity. And it is so very difficult to climb out of. I am in the deep, black hole of despair.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Before AXBF came into my life, my life was peaceful and serene. My home was a place of calm, a place for rest and relaxation, a place where I would come and get away from all the hustle and bustle of the world out there, all the noise, all the rude and inconsiderate people. I loved my home. It was organized just the way I wanted it. Whatever I needed, I knew where it was. I had a routine that made my life easy, instead of difficult the way it has been for so many decades. I'd do everything on a schedule, like taking the trash out, doing chores, doing laundry.
But when AXBF moved in, he took over my home. He moved my stuff. His schedule became more important than mine. He just did whatever he wanted to do, without any consideration for me and my routines. The whole house became focused around him. He took over so many of the chores I like to do. But on the fly, according to no schedule. And my life became unorganized and difficult.
And he brought people here who created chaos and difficulty. He and they complained all the time. They were not grateful for anything life or God has given them. So of course they did not appreciate anything that I did for them. Or the sacrifices I made for them. The adjustments to my life and my home, my schedules, my routines. Everything became unpredictable and about what they wanted. But they never stopped wanting. With them it is me, me, me. And like Vale said the other day, FEBM (F*** Everyone But Me).
My home became my hell and I am still trying to turn it back into a place of peace and serenity. I think it is going to take quite some time.
But when AXBF moved in, he took over my home. He moved my stuff. His schedule became more important than mine. He just did whatever he wanted to do, without any consideration for me and my routines. The whole house became focused around him. He took over so many of the chores I like to do. But on the fly, according to no schedule. And my life became unorganized and difficult.
And he brought people here who created chaos and difficulty. He and they complained all the time. They were not grateful for anything life or God has given them. So of course they did not appreciate anything that I did for them. Or the sacrifices I made for them. The adjustments to my life and my home, my schedules, my routines. Everything became unpredictable and about what they wanted. But they never stopped wanting. With them it is me, me, me. And like Vale said the other day, FEBM (F*** Everyone But Me).
My home became my hell and I am still trying to turn it back into a place of peace and serenity. I think it is going to take quite some time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Yes, it's weird because we become so accustomed to the sickness, the chaos, the unpredictability that the sick reality of the alcoholic becomes OUR reality. We become sick also. It is insanity. And it is so very difficult to climb out of. I am in the deep, black hole of despair.
Let Go or Be Dragged
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 44
Learn2Live - as i read ur last post i sat here nodding my head..yes..yes..yes. I get EXACTLY what u r saying. after the divorce from my AH, i couldnt stop cleaning. i scrubbed, i washed, i polished, i steamed. every spare minute i had, i cleaned cleaned cleaned. walls, windows, carpets, closets, cupboards, garage. u name it, i cleaned it. looking back, im sure it was an attempt at "scrubbing" away all the disgust his life style imprinted on what used to be my place of peace and calm. my safe place. the hurt of addiction settles in every aspect of your life. every nook n cranny. it was like no matter where i tried to rest my eyes, there was something there to remind me of the hell i was stuck in.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: The Bayou City
Posts: 44
Hope this helps...
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Even though you don't need the drama, it's still got to be rough.
Some things I don't miss about living with my alcoholic father:
I do miss the person he was before the heavy drinking started, but I just can't have him in my life until he's sober.
Some things I don't miss about living with my alcoholic father:
- Never knowing when he'd come home in a tear
- 6-hour screaming sessions, after which he went to bed and everyone else was up and half nauseaus
- Never knowing when he'd actually hurt someone
- Listening to crap about Vietnam that had nothing to do with me
I do miss the person he was before the heavy drinking started, but I just can't have him in my life until he's sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
But when AXBF moved in, he took over my home. He moved my stuff. His schedule became more important than mine. He just did whatever he wanted to do, without any consideration for me and my routines. The whole house became focused around him. He took over so many of the chores I like to do. But on the fly, according to no schedule. And my life became unorganized and difficult.
Times when I needed to go away and leave the two of them at my home to look after things was always such a treat... they'd never lift a finger to wash a dish or sweep the floor when I was home. Great care and effort went into cleaning when I was gone, with consternate clucks about how much fur was under the bed, or how long since my 50yo pine cabinets had been scrubbed thoroughly. Hello? You two suck the life out of me. Fuzz checks under the furniture and scrubbing pine cabinets are a low priority when I have to pay all the bills and constantly put food in your ravenous bellies.
The son's visitation schedule with his mother was the key "keep life totally unorganized and difficult" factor. At this point, I wonder how little of it was actually Mom and how much of it was Dad.Dad.Dad. (son always summoned his father this way, sounding much like a bleating calf). Son was unbearable. I couldn't wait for every other weekend to roll around. But I'd never know until the Friday of the weekend if she was going to pick him up, change the schedule, or bring him back early. Often it seemed as if Dad.Dad.Dad. would sabotage any chance of getting away because he had to be right where expected if SGOS (Supremely Gluttonous Overgrown Son) needed him. Not sure why he worried about getting away, because both Mom and SGOS were rapid dial pros where the phone was concerned. No answer? Dial again. And again. And again. And again...
And of course, all were powerless to do things differently.
His schedule took over mine too, which upon reflection, seems absurd since he didn't even have a job? Let me count the ways he phrased that to make it happen:
"What did you do today - nothing?"
"Why can't you (blah). You don't have anything better to do." (than cater to him)
"Did you just sit on the computer all day?" (as he scoops out a luscious serving of supper that is not acknowledged)
How did I put up with this for four years or better?
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by SoBroken
Learn2Live - as i read ur last post i sat here nodding my head..yes..yes..yes. I get EXACTLY what u r saying. after the divorce from my AH, i couldnt stop cleaning. i scrubbed, i washed, i polished, i steamed. every spare minute i had, i cleaned cleaned cleaned. walls, windows, carpets, closets, cupboards, garage. u name it, i cleaned it. looking back, im sure it was an attempt at "scrubbing" away all the disgust his life style imprinted on what used to be my place of peace and calm. my safe place. the hurt of addiction settles in every aspect of your life. every nook n cranny. it was like no matter where i tried to rest my eyes, there was something there to remind me of the hell i was stuck in.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Lord, please let me never again hear the words he had the nerve to utter to my mother during a visit last May:
"It's a good thing she has me. Nobody else would have her."
This, from a high school dropout whose noteworthy lifetime accomplishments were a felony record for larceny, two DUI convictions in less than 10 years, a bankruptcy and a double mortgage foreclosure ('cause he and the ex took a second underwater mortgage on it during the bankruptcy). He lives in a ratty motor-less RV on his parents' property.
Not that I ever wanted to toot my horn about it, but I do have a bachelors degree in dual majors, my own home (upon which the mortgage payment has never been late), and a truck and a car that are paid off in full. My most serious infractions of law have been a couple of speeding tickets over the course of driving for 36 years.
How was it I could ignore those red lights flashing when he would applaud male acquaintances for doing well because they married women who had good jobs or careers? Usually males who had no job and couldn't spell "career", like himself?
Going to bang my head against the wall again...
"It's a good thing she has me. Nobody else would have her."
This, from a high school dropout whose noteworthy lifetime accomplishments were a felony record for larceny, two DUI convictions in less than 10 years, a bankruptcy and a double mortgage foreclosure ('cause he and the ex took a second underwater mortgage on it during the bankruptcy). He lives in a ratty motor-less RV on his parents' property.
Not that I ever wanted to toot my horn about it, but I do have a bachelors degree in dual majors, my own home (upon which the mortgage payment has never been late), and a truck and a car that are paid off in full. My most serious infractions of law have been a couple of speeding tickets over the course of driving for 36 years.
How was it I could ignore those red lights flashing when he would applaud male acquaintances for doing well because they married women who had good jobs or careers? Usually males who had no job and couldn't spell "career", like himself?
Going to bang my head against the wall again...
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by CodieBird
Lord, please let me never again hear the words he had the nerve to utter to my mother during a visit last May:
"It's a good thing she has me. Nobody else would have her."
This, from a high school dropout whose noteworthy lifetime accomplishments were a felony record for larceny, two DUI convictions in less than 10 years, a bankruptcy and a double mortgage foreclosure ('cause he and the ex took a second underwater mortgage on it during the bankruptcy). He lives in a ratty motor-less RV on his parents' property.
Not that I ever wanted to toot my horn about it, but I do have a bachelors degree in dual majors, my own home (upon which the mortgage payment has never been late), and a truck and a car that are paid off in full. My most serious infractions of law have been a couple of speeding tickets over the course of driving for 36 years.
How was it I could ignore those red lights flashing when he would applaud male acquaintances for doing well because they married women who had good jobs or careers? Usually males who had no job and couldn't spell "career", like himself?
Going to bang my head against the wall again...
"It's a good thing she has me. Nobody else would have her."
This, from a high school dropout whose noteworthy lifetime accomplishments were a felony record for larceny, two DUI convictions in less than 10 years, a bankruptcy and a double mortgage foreclosure ('cause he and the ex took a second underwater mortgage on it during the bankruptcy). He lives in a ratty motor-less RV on his parents' property.
Not that I ever wanted to toot my horn about it, but I do have a bachelors degree in dual majors, my own home (upon which the mortgage payment has never been late), and a truck and a car that are paid off in full. My most serious infractions of law have been a couple of speeding tickets over the course of driving for 36 years.
How was it I could ignore those red lights flashing when he would applaud male acquaintances for doing well because they married women who had good jobs or careers? Usually males who had no job and couldn't spell "career", like himself?
Going to bang my head against the wall again...
Guess I am going to have to investigate this low self-esteem thing some more.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I could list many things but mainly I can sum it all up in two phrases. . .
First, standing on my doorstep, hand on the doorknob dreading to go inside and afraid of what would happen if I didn't
Second, attempting to get some sleep with my car keys and cell phone under my pillow every night
Thank you so much HP that I'm free ~ PINKfully Free!
I would live in a cardboard box on the side of the road before I could live in that chaos again ~
First, standing on my doorstep, hand on the doorknob dreading to go inside and afraid of what would happen if I didn't
Second, attempting to get some sleep with my car keys and cell phone under my pillow every night
Thank you so much HP that I'm free ~ PINKfully Free!
I would live in a cardboard box on the side of the road before I could live in that chaos again ~
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
For me, it was the experience that everyone and everything else was more important than anything I had going on, large or small.
When his drinking first started on the upswing, our cat died. He dragged me out of the house telling me to get over it so we could go to a tailgating party. When his parents' dog died when his drinking was at its peak, he had to go over their to console them, because they were so upset (translation: so he could drink).
When I spent 10 days in the hospital with the birth of our first child who was born 5 weeks early, my kidneys were having problems deciding whether they wanted to play well with the other organs. He told me I was needy and that his mother needed him. (translation - there was no booze at the hospital)
I spent most of the 24 hours in labor when they originally induced me alone, scared, and listening to him snore from the couch in the hospital room.
I was told I was selfish and a drama queen for not being able to go out with his friends one Thanksgiving weekend because I caught the flu.
When I found out my dad needed surgery due to a significant health issue, my husband told me he'd support me - and did by taking Xanax and drinking and being in a walking blackout and nearly falling through our floor to ceiling windows.
I realized while hospitalized I was living a very sad, lonely life for being married.
When his drinking first started on the upswing, our cat died. He dragged me out of the house telling me to get over it so we could go to a tailgating party. When his parents' dog died when his drinking was at its peak, he had to go over their to console them, because they were so upset (translation: so he could drink).
When I spent 10 days in the hospital with the birth of our first child who was born 5 weeks early, my kidneys were having problems deciding whether they wanted to play well with the other organs. He told me I was needy and that his mother needed him. (translation - there was no booze at the hospital)
I spent most of the 24 hours in labor when they originally induced me alone, scared, and listening to him snore from the couch in the hospital room.
I was told I was selfish and a drama queen for not being able to go out with his friends one Thanksgiving weekend because I caught the flu.
When I found out my dad needed surgery due to a significant health issue, my husband told me he'd support me - and did by taking Xanax and drinking and being in a walking blackout and nearly falling through our floor to ceiling windows.
I realized while hospitalized I was living a very sad, lonely life for being married.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by CodeNameGiggles
For me, it was the experience that everyone and everything else was more important than anything I had going on, large or small.
When his drinking first started on the upswing, our cat died. He dragged me out of the house telling me to get over it so we could go to a tailgating party. When his parents' dog died when his drinking was at its peak, he had to go over their to console them, because they were so upset (translation: so he could drink).
When I spent 10 days in the hospital with the birth of our first child who was born 5 weeks early, my kidneys were having problems deciding whether they wanted to play well with the other organs. He told me I was needy and that his mother needed him. (translation - there was no booze at the hospital)
I spent most of the 24 hours in labor when they originally induced me alone, scared, and listening to him snore from the couch in the hospital room.
I was told I was selfish and a drama queen for not being able to go out with his friends one Thanksgiving weekend because I caught the flu.
When I found out my dad needed surgery due to a significant health issue, my husband told me he'd support me - and did by taking Xanax and drinking and being in a walking blackout and nearly falling through our floor to ceiling windows.
I realized while hospitalized I was living a very sad, lonely life for being married.
When his drinking first started on the upswing, our cat died. He dragged me out of the house telling me to get over it so we could go to a tailgating party. When his parents' dog died when his drinking was at its peak, he had to go over their to console them, because they were so upset (translation: so he could drink).
When I spent 10 days in the hospital with the birth of our first child who was born 5 weeks early, my kidneys were having problems deciding whether they wanted to play well with the other organs. He told me I was needy and that his mother needed him. (translation - there was no booze at the hospital)
I spent most of the 24 hours in labor when they originally induced me alone, scared, and listening to him snore from the couch in the hospital room.
I was told I was selfish and a drama queen for not being able to go out with his friends one Thanksgiving weekend because I caught the flu.
When I found out my dad needed surgery due to a significant health issue, my husband told me he'd support me - and did by taking Xanax and drinking and being in a walking blackout and nearly falling through our floor to ceiling windows.
I realized while hospitalized I was living a very sad, lonely life for being married.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
This is a really powerful thread. It's remarkable how many things listed in here I still believed were "just me" (translation: I was foolish and needy and insecure for being upset over certain things):
What I lived with/don't miss/still experience at times bc of contined contact over our young daughters:
- guilt trips for wanting to do ANYTHING "selfish" (ie: running, seeing friends). When I stopped doing both among many other things I was told I was pathetic with no life. When I resumed activities for me I was "punished" each and every time by coming home to him drinking/drunk & raging at me for some perceived problem.
- breaking EVERY promise made about plans together and being told that he has a right to change his mind and I shouldn't try to control him and monopolize his time when I would be let down/hurt by oh say his blowing off anniversary plans one year bc his crazy A brother "needed" him (aka- went out drinking together)
- never once stood up for me when his family attacked me verbally IN FRONT OF HIM & blamed me for being angry with them telling me that I'd be to blame if they decided they didn't want to visit anymore bc of me. Illogical!
- being lonelier w him than without
- worrying about where he was and what he was doing when he wasn't home (aka when he was out drinking every night) and then being scared and worried when he was home bc I NEVER knew what to expect. He of course thought I was the "unpredictable" one bc I'd react to his wildly changing moods and then it was me who was the cause of all our problems
- never being able to be frustrated, too happy, worried etc bc ANY emotion that wasn't the same one he felt in any given moment wasn't allowed.
- being lied to incessantly and feeling like I was going crazy
- thousands of dollars wasted on booze
- having him reek like beer while I was in labor w D4 & then having to visit with his abusive family right after D4's birth which was the ONE request I made to have him respect. I asked him to take D4 & visit in a different room w them and he intentionally brought them
in even before the doctor left. I had had an epidural that took a long time
to wear off so I couldn't even leave the room myself. Trapped. And when i was upset by this I was told I was selfish
- being told "I wouldn't be bothered by that" or "what's the big deal" EACH and everytime I was upset by his crap. Nothing short of his killin me would have apparently been thought of as a "big deal" to him.
- rushing to the aid of colleagues, their wives, neighbors, his adult siblings at the slightest need & ignoring me for years & never giving me the same loving and kind treatment he'd give just about anyone else. Then being told if I wasn't such a bitch maybe he'd treat me better
- presenting one side of himself to the public and being loved and respected for it and being an abusive drunk at home
- insulting me infront of others and pretending he was joking and telling me I have no sense of humor when I was hurt by it
-this one is on going: using our girls as pawns to try and get at me knowing that unless he's beating them & is seen doing so, the state will do nothing to help. All I can do is act like it doesn't phase me bc when I try to suggest that emotionally screwing w our girls to get me is harmful to them I get told I'm gaslightig him & am mentally unstable and perhaps he should let the girls know how "sick" I am. So now I pray he doesn't hurt them when they're with him and I don't react to anything even when it almost kills me to not do so.
- being called every name in the book and having him deny that that is worthy of being hurt over bc after all he's not beating me like his A dad did to his mom.
What I lived with/don't miss/still experience at times bc of contined contact over our young daughters:
- guilt trips for wanting to do ANYTHING "selfish" (ie: running, seeing friends). When I stopped doing both among many other things I was told I was pathetic with no life. When I resumed activities for me I was "punished" each and every time by coming home to him drinking/drunk & raging at me for some perceived problem.
- breaking EVERY promise made about plans together and being told that he has a right to change his mind and I shouldn't try to control him and monopolize his time when I would be let down/hurt by oh say his blowing off anniversary plans one year bc his crazy A brother "needed" him (aka- went out drinking together)
- never once stood up for me when his family attacked me verbally IN FRONT OF HIM & blamed me for being angry with them telling me that I'd be to blame if they decided they didn't want to visit anymore bc of me. Illogical!
- being lonelier w him than without
- worrying about where he was and what he was doing when he wasn't home (aka when he was out drinking every night) and then being scared and worried when he was home bc I NEVER knew what to expect. He of course thought I was the "unpredictable" one bc I'd react to his wildly changing moods and then it was me who was the cause of all our problems
- never being able to be frustrated, too happy, worried etc bc ANY emotion that wasn't the same one he felt in any given moment wasn't allowed.
- being lied to incessantly and feeling like I was going crazy
- thousands of dollars wasted on booze
- having him reek like beer while I was in labor w D4 & then having to visit with his abusive family right after D4's birth which was the ONE request I made to have him respect. I asked him to take D4 & visit in a different room w them and he intentionally brought them
in even before the doctor left. I had had an epidural that took a long time
to wear off so I couldn't even leave the room myself. Trapped. And when i was upset by this I was told I was selfish
- being told "I wouldn't be bothered by that" or "what's the big deal" EACH and everytime I was upset by his crap. Nothing short of his killin me would have apparently been thought of as a "big deal" to him.
- rushing to the aid of colleagues, their wives, neighbors, his adult siblings at the slightest need & ignoring me for years & never giving me the same loving and kind treatment he'd give just about anyone else. Then being told if I wasn't such a bitch maybe he'd treat me better
- presenting one side of himself to the public and being loved and respected for it and being an abusive drunk at home
- insulting me infront of others and pretending he was joking and telling me I have no sense of humor when I was hurt by it
-this one is on going: using our girls as pawns to try and get at me knowing that unless he's beating them & is seen doing so, the state will do nothing to help. All I can do is act like it doesn't phase me bc when I try to suggest that emotionally screwing w our girls to get me is harmful to them I get told I'm gaslightig him & am mentally unstable and perhaps he should let the girls know how "sick" I am. So now I pray he doesn't hurt them when they're with him and I don't react to anything even when it almost kills me to not do so.
- being called every name in the book and having him deny that that is worthy of being hurt over bc after all he's not beating me like his A dad did to his mom.
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