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Ended it, Part Four: Unanswered questions

Old 07-02-2012, 10:22 AM
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Ended it, Part Four: Unanswered questions

Recap: Broke up with ABF last week after he was a drunken jerk one (or 1,859) many times. He texted an apology the day after, I did not respond. no contact since.

I am feeling strong I filled my weekend with positivity -- plans with friends, unpacking in my new place, church (ABF and I started going together; I will not let our break-up allow me to loose my faith). I had a few weepy moments, but have been doing a lot better than I would have though.

Still, I can't help but wonder:

Does he realize it's truly over this time? Is he sad? Is he mad at himself? Does he realize his drinking did this? Does he remember all the horrible things he said to me and the cruel way he acted toward me? Does he remember drop-kicking my suitcase out the door as I was leaving? Is he ashamed? Does his foot hurt? (Sorry, couldn't help that one!)

Did he tell his family/friends? Did he tell them the truth? How did he explain my absence this weekend when I wasn't at a dinner party/bridal shower?

Does he miss me? Is he surprised I haven't caved? Is he shocked/humbled I moved without any help from him and that maybe I don't need him as much as he thinks he did? Is he checking his phone to see if I responded? Is he wrestling with wanting to contact me? Is he going to try again to reach out to me or is he done?

Is he angry at me for whatever drunken or delusional reasons? Is he happy? Is he relieved I won't be there to spoil his fun? Does he want me back or did he sabotage everything purposefully?

And, how drunk did he get this weekend?!

I know none of this "matters." I know I'm supposed to be thinking about me.

I know I'm human.
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Old 07-02-2012, 10:30 AM
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((jessie))

there is probably a little yes, no and maybe to all of your questions ~

prayers and good thoughts of healing for you to keep the focus on you ~ it's not easy but keep trying ~ it does get better as time goes by!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 07-02-2012, 10:36 AM
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It sucks trying to be in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict. Because your normal emotional needs never get met, your normal needs for security never get met, and you never feel validated. You will never get back from it what you put into it. NEVER.

Thanks for the share and especially the part about church. Because I need to start going back. When I stopped going it was part of how I abandoned myself a few years back.
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Old 07-02-2012, 11:01 AM
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L2L, I'm glad you are considering going back! I did a year ago and it has meant so much! I know that it has given me a lot of strength, relieve and perspective, especially during these kinds of trials! As far as not having one's emotionl needs met with an A, that rings so true! I realize there is so much I didn't know for sure -- I never knew who I was dealing with!

Pink, thank you for the hugs and kind words!
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Old 07-02-2012, 11:40 AM
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Hi Jessie, I am sitting here holding back tears as I read your post. Same EXACT thing with me this weekend. Friday night was told by drunk AB that I should leave and I did. I was asked to leave because I stupidly mentioned maybe he might want to stop slammming the cocktails cause three little girls were in the motel room next to him. Silly me. I left, no big drama or blow up. Just said Ok and left. He tried calling twice on Saturday. I did not answer did not call him at all. That is the last I heard from him.
99 percent sure he is on a binge and will call again when he is done. We go through this all the time lately and I have had enough. Sadly, I feel that now. Can't honestly say what will happen if he tries contacting me again. I have the very same questions you do. The very same, and it kills me not to know. It's so sad to me. I'm heartbroken but optimistic I can remain with NC as long as he leaves me alone.
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Old 07-02-2012, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by jessiec View Post
L2L, I'm glad you are considering going back! I did a year ago and it has meant so much! I know that it has given me a lot of strength, relieve and perspective, especially during these kinds of trials! As far as not having one's emotionl needs met with an A, that rings so true! I realize there is so much I didn't know for sure -- I never knew who I was dealing with!
It's crazy, isn't it? It is like a whole other world that you never knew existed until it collides into yours. I think those of use who seek Recovery, though, are better off and much more rounded than the general population.

Yes, before the alcoholic/addicted person I just Xed with came into my life, I was grateful every day for everything I have and I thanked my Higher Power everyday. But over time, living with the A&AXBF who complained constantly, I lost sight of what I had to be grateful for. Need to start getting myself back on track and re-build my relationship with my HP.
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Old 07-02-2012, 11:56 AM
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Does his foot hurt? lol you have a sense of humor, I think you are going to make it.

It's crazy, we fill our time with wanting to know what it's like for them.

No matter what, one thing I do know, he wants his enabler back, and he would answer those questions based on whether or not he thought you were yes coming back , or no not coming back.

For me the ending it was like a screen play where the script kept changing, if he thought he had me back, he was nice, for awhile, but when he knew I wasn't he was an sob.

You are in my thoughts, good work so far Jess.

love to you katie
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Old 07-02-2012, 12:20 PM
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Normal thoughts - unless they get obsessive or turn into denial about how it wasn't that bad after all. Good thing about our thoughts is we can stop thinking them. Just stop. I had a habit of arguing with my stbx in my head. M1k3 here had some great advice - ask myself who am I talking to when I get into that cycle? It's become a great trick to acknowledge my crazy thoughts and stop them.

Break ups are hard, even when you know it is the right thing to do. Take good care of yourself!
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Old 07-02-2012, 12:25 PM
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Sungrl, I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It does help knowing we are not as alone, as unfortunate these situations are.

As many questions as I have now, I think somehow they must be healthier than the questions I was finding myself ask everyday and would be as long as we were together:

Will there be beer on his breath when I see him? How many has he had? Has he been driving drunk? Is he really just going out for a cigarette or something else too? When he calls, is he going to be drunk? Will the plans we made tonight happen or will he be too hammered? Will he get into a fight with his alcoholic father and enabler mom when we go over there? Will he pick a fight with me so I'll leave him to drink more? Will he have that glazed look in his eye and slur in his voice? Is it going to have a temper tantrum because he drank too much or did t get to drink enough? Is it ever really "two beers" Is he sneaking again? Could he be drinking at work too? How come I haven't heard from him yet today -- did he crash his car or end up in jail or oversleep again? Is he going to embarrass me when we are out?

Sigh!
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Old 07-02-2012, 12:36 PM
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L2L, as much as I have hurt from this experience, I'm learning so much. I'm so grateful for finding a wonderful therapist and my stronger relationship with God, my HP. Please let me know when you go back and how it goes! This week there were somes criptures I really needed to hear! I know I was meant to be there!
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Old 07-02-2012, 12:38 PM
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Katie, thanks for your insights. I'm positive you nailed it. He wants whatever it is that allows him to have what he really wants most -- alcohol. Sad! Appreciate you!
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Old 07-02-2012, 12:42 PM
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Thanks, Tuffgirl! I'm going to work on that too!
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:47 PM
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Way to not give me anything to post about...

... dang it! Nicely done.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by jessiec View Post
I know none of this "matters." I know I'm supposed to be thinking about me.

I know I'm human.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:56 PM
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Does he realize it's truly over this time? Is he sad? Is he mad at himself? Does he realize his drinking did this? Does he remember all the horrible things he said to me and the cruel way he acted toward me? Does he remember drop-kicking my suitcase out the door as I was leaving? Is he ashamed? Does his foot hurt? (Sorry, couldn't help that one!)

Did he tell his family/friends? Did he tell them the truth? How did he explain my absence this weekend when I wasn't at a dinner party/bridal shower?

Does he miss me? Is he surprised I haven't caved? Is he shocked/humbled I moved without any help from him and that maybe I don't need him as much as he thinks he did? Is he checking his phone to see if I responded? Is he wrestling with wanting to contact me? Is he going to try again to reach out to me or is he done?
You may have moved but you're letting him live rent free in your mind. Those questions are irrelevant now, the only thing that matters is how are YOU doing. I strongly suggest Ala-non, which helps us make the right choices and fix our own issues (like obsessing about someone who treated us terribly. I can tell you this, however: the great love of his life, his God, higher power is alcohol. He's thinking about booze in the same way he didn't stop drinking when it was destroying his relationship.
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Old 07-02-2012, 07:14 PM
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Jessiec, THANK YOU! I am going to my mom's church this Sunday. I am using the tools I have learned in the past to build my strength back up. Somewhere over the past 2 and a half years living with AXBF I completely LOST myself and all of my strength. Or as Anvil said in another thread, I abandoned myself. Yes, I abandoned my own needs and kept silent because of fear as my boundaries were trampled on.
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Old 07-02-2012, 07:39 PM
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Jesse really is a bless I read all that , that is happening to me right know... My abf the same , kicked me so many times and then calling texting 111111111 times , yes full of lies and bullshits... And I had the same question over and over .... I think when you forgive this kind of people they're cant realize how bad or big or evel they can be....then you back and is worse ... ...yes ouch with all your bags out of the house ... I'm happy for you ... Hope you can be stronger and try to think about you and stop thinking about what is his doing or thinking about you... I know is hard cus you have fillings maybe deep in your heart you want a change for him but the true that can be a miracle ....i hope now I can move of his house and leave him ....(as you can tell my English is really bad cus I'm not from USA but I know how it feels.... And don't worry is almost July 4 ...so other scusses to get drunk and yes hit the floor....


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