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Old 03-21-2012, 11:49 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Oh sweet Lord, what a horrid horrid situation!!! (((hugs)))

You know, you did underestimate him. I'm saying this because I recognize it. My AXH broke the RO at one point, cornering me where I had no escape route, and instead of screaming for help (which would have scared the children, which he knew, which is why he did it where he did it), I smiled and pretended everything was fine. And was the entire time expecting him to kill me.

Even after that -- even after he SHOWED ME that he thought he was above the law -- I let him get away with it. Because I on some level didn't want to believe that he was dangerous (even though he had threatened to kill me). Somehow, in my addled brain, I still told myself (his voice, inside my head) that you are just exaggerating the danger; after all, you lived together with this man for X years, of course he's not as dangerous as you sometimes think..

That's the kind of stinkin' thinkin' that gets you killed. I think you have a kickass lawyer (I did, too) who will put the fear of God into this man -- HOWEVER, Ann is right. Your situation, as I assess it, is dangerous: You know he's off his rocker, and you don't feel sure law enforcement will protect you.

On this, I agree with Tuffgirl:
I am not sure I would recommend to anyone getting a gun for protection unless you are trained. Chances are high that you'd hurt yourself or have it taken away from you instead.
Absolutely and totally agree. ESPECIALLY for someone like you. And here is where I see myself in you again.

I'll relay to you what my lawyer (who does firearms training) said to me: Do you REALLY think, if it came to that, that you would be capable of pulling the trigger on the father of your children? Because if you have the least hesitation -- he'll have the gun and you'll be dead.

I don't know if you can get bear spray where you live -- like mace, but in bigger cans with bigger reach -- but that's what I carry. 24/7/365. Worst you can do is get sprayed yourself and get very uncomfortable -- but in a pinch, it'll buy you time to run.

I also like the idea of having someone come stay with you, if possible. I should have asked friends to do that -- but I felt like I didn't want to drag them into my drama. My lawyer recommended that I do it when I was scared, after those RO violations, because (he said) "only the absolutely most hardened mentally out to lunch criminal will NOT behave differently if there is another adult present."

Please be safe. I worry about you.
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Old 03-22-2012, 03:49 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I think you are just going to have to do what Al-Anon suggests, 'One day at a time' it certainly is helping me through a stressful period, we seem to be programmed to want everything solved quickly-but learning to value small steps is an eye opener. Keep going!
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:11 AM
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I also like the idea of having someone come stay with you, if possible. I should have asked friends to do that -- but I felt like I didn't want to drag them into my drama. My lawyer recommended that I do it when I was scared, after those RO violations, because (he said) "only the absolutely most hardened mentally out to lunch criminal will NOT behave differently if there is another adult present."
Seconded. IME, abusers tend to curb their abuse when an audience of empowered adults is present.
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:21 AM
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I am curious as to why no one, not even police who cuffed you in front of these precious babies, did not ask the children what happened? They were left behind with dad, I presume, while you had to go to jail? I cannot imagine how they wont be called to answer in court, if you decide to press charges. children can be questioned in my state, tho it might be in judges chambers, in order to spare them extensive anxiety. I dont know how the anxiety of being questioned could be worse than seeing your own father attack your mom in front of your eyes.

I am so sorry wtbh. this has been going on for much too long for you and the girls. Prayers that things are resolved, and that he gets his punishment for this horrendous stuff. i do like the idea of putting a hidden camera at entrances. you could surely use that in court!

wishing your and your girls peace and safety.
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:25 AM
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I went to my moms last night or maybe it was the night before-- yeah, actually it was the night before last (everything is blurry) and I don't feel any safer there than at my house. I think what I am afraid of, in addition to AH's craziness, is the fact that I CALLED the police to protect me and they did the opposite. I am fearful of having no one to call if he were to show up being crazy again. I am deathly afraid of being that woman on the news who is dead and the reporters say that the police are being investigated for not protecting her... My lawyer has been great, he has done all he can legally to protect me and the girls but if AH were to show up intent on hurting me, it's clear the police would let him. Can you imagine how empowering it must be for an abuser to be able to abuse and get away with it and see the cops take his side? I feel like he is probably feeling more emboldened than ever and it terrifies me. My employer is aware of what is going on and the staff here have a picture of AH so that if he shows up (which he won't-- he only harms me when there are no witnesses-- unless you count the girls which obviously neither he nor the police do) they can call the police. Work right now is the only place I feel safe.
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:29 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
I am curious as to why no one, not even police who cuffed you in front of these precious babies, did not ask the children what happened? They were left behind with dad, I presume, while you had to go to jail? I cannot imagine how they wont be called to answer in court, if you decide to press charges. children can be questioned in my state, tho it might be in judges chambers, in order to spare them extensive anxiety. I dont know how the anxiety of being questioned could be worse than seeing your own father attack your mom in front of your eyes.

I am so sorry wtbh. this has been going on for much too long for you and the girls. Prayers that things are resolved, and that he gets his punishment for this horrendous stuff. i do like the idea of putting a hidden camera at entrances. you could surely use that in court!

wishing your and your girls peace and safety.

I asked the police officer who arrested me that VERY question over and over and over... He got angry because I kept asking and I finally stopped. He told me he conducted his investigation and kept telling me I was not credible and there were no witnesses to support my "story". I told him REPEATEDLY that the girls saw AH attack me and he said nothing. At one point when I was int he holding cell at the police station before being taken to the jail he did mention that AH had told him that I have a history of putting ideas in the girls heads (he used other words but that was the jist of it) AND he wrote something to that effect in his report (which my lawyer shared with me and is going to tear apart piece by piece as biased and based on nothing but lies AH told the officer). So, evidently, the officer heard AH say that I put ideas in the girls heads and didn't question them bc he must have believed AH? I am concerned that by the time this goes to a trial the girls will be unclear about what occured (AND they stayed with AH the whole nigth and next day while I was in jail and god only knows what he did to their minds during that time). The ENTIRE thing is sketchy, so poorly handled and just a nightmare. It's the stuff you read of that you think won't happen to you and is only a rarity... Cops are collosal a$$holes and I will never, ever rely on the police to protect me, ever again.
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:07 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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I am still horrified, wtbh. This is not how we train our police to respond to domestic violence calls. As a matter of fact, neither do the Troopers (you guys can watch all that now on TV!). I don't know where these two bozos came from, but don't' let two bad apples stop you from continuing a paper trail if need be. But now you know what can happen, so be prepared to corroborate your story with hard evidence, like video with time stamping.

You can get security cameras that are wireless, even at Best Buy which I am sure everyone has one in their community now: Wireless Cameras: Wireless Security & Surveillance Cameras - Best Buy

They are relatively easy to install if you aren't afraid of pushing buttons.

Don't let this defeat you - instead let it teach you a lesson - not everyone is actually going to believe you without hard evidence.
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:17 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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I have no idea if both cops were idiots since I only talked to one of them... He's the one who was with me for hours at the station before I was brought to jail and he was awful like I can't even describe. It was like dealing with AH. He smiled and told me I had no right to request that he stop screaming in my face, I told him I'd like another officer to come in the room and that he was scaring me and he told me "request denied" again with a smile.

I am sure there are some good cops but I will not take my chances again. Or at least not anytime soon. Unless I am bleeding and half dead I expect I'd wind up in jail again.

I am not sure what I am more disturbed by: how AH handled himself and the situation or how the police did. I am terrified of them both.
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:26 AM
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WTBH, one lesson that came out of this for me is that if I am ever arrested the 1st words out of my mouth are going to be 'I want a lawyer'. As soon as you say that they aren't even allowed to ask you questions.

Second thing, was the officer talking to you in an interrogation room? It so there should be tape of the whole thing.

You have every right to be afraid but as I learned in the Marines is that bravery isn't the absence of fear, it is carrying on in spite of the fear.

Hang tough, I believe you will come out of this a much stronger person.

Your friend,
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:29 AM
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Oh, WTBH, I totally get it. I haven't been arrested, but I know (innocent) people who have. The disease is horrifying, and all the while, it looks so incredibly functional.

Even now, on the heels of going through some practically unbelievable legal nonsense with my exH, I am amazed at the impossibility of comprehending what he is capable of. I'm 3rd-stepping it a lot because I can't possibly anticipate what kinds of manipulative and sick things he and his disease might think up. I'm working on not being surprised anymore...he's simply being who he is. Perhaps that's acceptance in the making.

The good news is that when I've kept my boundaries consistent and found appropriate places to vent my emotions (ie., NOT towards him directly), he has done a great job of showing everyone who he is. I'm not keeping secrets and I'm also not making my life public more than necessary. I keep going to my meetings. I have mutual friends asking me, "What is UP with him?" I just smile understandingly at their surprise, comment that I'm really so very busy with the kids and the adventures in life I'm enjoying, and basically letting everyone find out who he is--simply by letting him show them and keeping my side of the street clean.

I say all that to illustrate my belief that you will learn invaluable lessons from this (I'm sure you already have), to encourage you to remember that no one has been irrevocably injured, and to cheer for you because now you have all kinds of doors that can open to you as you move forward, one day at a time.

Hugs!
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:41 AM
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Just a suggestion to run past your atty. Hire a guardian ad litem for the girls and maybe have them see a child psychologist who can document what they saw while it is still fresh in their minds. I'm so sorry this happened to you. We try to do everything right to protect ourselves and something like this happens. I know you're tired and it all feels hopeless right now, but stay the course. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:41 AM
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((WTBH))

I am coming in way late in this ~ first let me say ~ I hate so much that YOU and YOUR precious girls were put thru this TRAMA!!!

I hate that so many of the forces, laws and methods that are suppose to protect us, failed you at your greatest time of need ~

I am heartbroken that you had to endure such a painful experience!

I think thru this I read that you were going to see your physician ~ I believe I would do so, this would probably cause some PTSD and extreme anxiety!! Not trying to you need meds - I'm saying if it was ME ~ I would need someone professional to help me work thru something so tramatic.

Sending out lots of prayers for you & your girls!! prayers of protection and peace for you!!

AND PLEASE KNOW ~ it doesn't matter if you opened the door or not ~ In my opinion ~ Your ex had a plan - a well thought out plan ~ if you hadn't opened the door ~ he probably would have forced it open. His agenda was set long before he knocked on that door!

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT ~ NEVER, NO WAY, NO HOW!!!!

PINK HUGS!
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:51 AM
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WTBH, I have to agree with MsPink, this isn't your fault. I haven't said that before and I should have but don't put any of the blame of this on yourself. Some people are just evil and he is one of them.

Your friend,
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Old 03-22-2012, 11:04 AM
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(big hugs)
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:19 PM
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It's one thing to have your faith in human nature undermined as a result of alcohol, quite another to feel undermined by a law inforcement system that is meant to protect the vulnerable. You would think these guys are trained to look out for these tricks, given the history of the situation I'm sure the truth will out. That doesn't make it any less traumatic for you, I hope you are feeling better today.
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:01 PM
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I have always been comfortable (maybe too comfortable) expressing my feelings and letting emotions flow (after years of stifling them with my family of origin and ah I have felt okay for while being open and emotional with friends).

One of the things I am feeling weird about is that I feel NOTHING. I feel panicky but not sad, angry, or well, emotional. I have been thinking "okay at some point I'm going to melt down" and I am petrified that when I do I won't be able to contain my emotions (I am not worried of harming AH or myself-- just terrified that I will start crying and not stop or lose my mind altogether).
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:16 PM
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Do you think you could be in shock? Maybe this is your brain's way of helping you overcome the difficult ordeal you've just been through.

So sorry to hear about what you went through. Unfortunate, but definitely not your fault. Those cops should be sued (IMHO).

Good luck! I hope things get better for you soon.
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Old 03-22-2012, 03:03 PM
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Mike- I said I wanted a lawyer & it didn't change the officer yelling at me. Finally I asked if there were recordings happening (I was in a cell in the basement at the police station). The officer was on the outside of the cell facing me & said there was a video camera on me which I could see on the ceiling & then he smirked like AH does when he's being pure evil & said but there's no audio & then he continued to yell at me even as I sat and said nothing. The ONLY time he changed his demeanor was when another officer would come in. My lawyer told me there's no recorded audio like the officer said but he's requesting a copy of the video & I hope it can be used to show how awful the "cop" (he doesn't deserve the title) was to me. The cops own police report is so blatantly biased & blaming/angry toward me that my lawyer said he's (the cop) dug his own grave. He used other words but that sums it up. None of this though changes how horrific it was. I lost all trust in the system Sunday & will never get it back.
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Old 03-22-2012, 03:23 PM
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healthy, it sounds as if it would be best if you moved. Small towns like that often have these types of cops.You should be very proud that you & your lawyer are not letting this go. Restraining orders are quite meaningless unless the law enforces it. Like someone else said if you decide on a gun then make sure you get trained properly. Your husband may be a sociopath & is definetly out of control.
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Old 03-22-2012, 05:06 PM
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I think moving might be something to consider. D6 has settled into school well and I have good friends here but I can't really imagine living in a town where I am afraid to call the police.

When I was in jail the public defender talked to me and when I told her the behavior of this one particular cop, she said "ohhh yeah" as if she'd heard more than a few things about this one guy...

I think that I am in shock, yes. I just feel numb and like I'm in a fog and it's a weird and not comfortable feeling.
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