SunnyinSC

It's been several months, but I am at a bit of a conundrum here. I realize that my XABF has his own life, but we are still friends. He can make his own choices since it's his life...but his recent binge drinking landed him in the hospital 2 weeks ago, he should have been in the week prior to that from another binge, and now he's on yet another binge at the moment going on 4 days. When he did get to the hospital with aid from his mother, he blew a .413 - he should have been in a coma. He's trying to commit suicide in my eyes.

He's lost his job a month ago, and now he officially has no money. He spent his last $10 on bourbon last night. I'm not really surprised - just disappointed. The question is, I know how much alcohol he had in the house as of yesterday. He had about 30 beers in his possession and now a liter of bourbon on top of it. The same concoction that landed him in the hospital 2 weeks ago. The only reason I know any of that is because he asked for me to take him to an AA meeting yesterday. Do I stay out of it now, get his mother involved or just wait it out? At this point I'm torn because I am the one in town and the closest to him. His mother is about 2.5 hours drive away.

I'd love to stay out of it, but his life is on the line so it changes my thinking.

dollydo

He is your ex right? Why are you so involved in his life?

If he can get to a liquor store to buy booze, he can find his way to an AA meeting.

Might be time to go no contact and move on with your life, work on your codependency issues as you cannot help him.

bskeys1404

nice Dollydo. You no my family said it to me .We love ya but we're not gonna sit and watch you kill yourself nor or we gonna help ya. You have to set an ultimatum. Either get help or I get the hell out of here for good. It doesn't matter why he goes to treatment but that he goes. He can't quit on his own. I use to work at one of the best in the world. They do work with you. Just have to call around. But your just ruining your life a long with his.

SunnyinSC

I'm so involved because we had been going to AA together every day. I'm 29 days sober today. He had 7 days of sobriety after the hospital visit, got a sponser and all, and now we are back to where we were.

Thanks bskeys...The ultimatum seems to be the best option. He keeps says that he knows he needs treatment, but he doesn't want to go to treatment. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't like to do, and we are better for it in the end.

m1k3

Stinkin thinkin!

He is back to where he was. You are clean and sober and have your whole life ahead of you. In my 58 years I have learned you can't save the world and not only that it tends to get angry when you try to.

Give him the dignity to live his own life with his own consequences. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Your friend,

SunnyinSC

Yes, there's that word "we" again I'm famous for! Thank you for reminding me that I am in a better place. I guess that's what makes this harder on me in a way since he couldn't do this too, but it is his life. He can choose to live it or not.

m1k3

It took me a lot of hard work and months to get "we" thinking out of my head and I still slip into it occasionally. I had to correct myself in my head every time I said we with "don't you mean I". After a while I realized I almost never said we anymore.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,

tabatha

It does seem to change things when someone's life is on the line. I helped my XABF when he was very ill and would sit with him until he got into detox. We weren't living together. He was in the end stage of alcoholism and his mind was not able to figure out even how to get to the detox center. He had to maintenance drink or he would start severe withdrawal. I don't regret helping him when he was very ill. I set my own boundaries as to what I would do and not do. He died from alcohol related liver disease, as he was unable to stop drinking. It is truly heartbreaking to watch this happen. To watch someone's life disintegrate is sad beyond words.

nodaybut2day

Just as you do not control how he lives his life, you also do not control if/when/how he choses to end his life. I know it's a horrid thing to have to accept but it is reality, plain and simple. You have your own recovery to work on (and YAY on that!!!). As Mike said, this is a question of dignity. You care for this person, right? Give him the dignity of finding recovery for himself.

PaperDolls

Congrats on your sober time!!

Its time for you to focus on YOU and your sobriety and recovery. What does your sponsor suggest to you? What step are you working on?

If you feel his life is in danger dial 911 and let them deal with it.

suki44883

If you can do it, he can do it. The difference is that you wanted it and he doesn't want it. Don't jeopardize your own recovery trying to help someone who does not want your help. You cannot control what he does and if he wants to drink himself to death, he has that right. Nothing says you have to sit around and watch it. Save yourself and if he wants to save himself, he will, whether you are there or not. If he doesn't he won't, whether you are there or not.

Cyranoak

...if it changes your thinking as long as it doesn't change what you are doing (i.e. minding your own business and focusing on your life).

He's your ex and you are still codependantly attached to him. But, it's his life and his business, not yours.

What are you doing for your own recovery from the affects of his drinking? What are you doing to focus on you and your obsession with him, his drinking, and his consequences?

Cyranoak

choublak

If someone chooses to self-destruct, it's on them.

With all of the knowledge and treatment options available this day in age, there is no real reason why anybody should drink themselves to death.

Shadydeal

Looking back on my own situation which sounds much like your situation....I wished I had allowed him to handle things on his own, maybe feel like no one was there. Every time I worried about him dying ad helped him go thru the detox process....it lasted until he felt confident again. Then here he'd go, he could control it. I wonder now if I had truly let him hit the bottom and feel alone....would he still be falling off all the time. I don't have the answers but there has to be a point that you can't do t to yourself. Well that's what I am telling myself. Truly, took it's tole on me emotionally physically and mentally.