Oh sweet Lord, what a horrid horrid situation!!! (((hugs)))
You know, you did underestimate him. I'm saying this because I recognize it. My AXH broke the RO at one point, cornering me where I had no escape route, and instead of screaming for help (which would have scared the children, which he knew, which is why he did it where he did it), I smiled and pretended everything was fine. And was the entire time expecting him to kill me.
Even after that -- even after he SHOWED ME that he thought he was above the law --
I let him get away with it. Because I on some level didn't want to believe that he was dangerous (even though he had threatened to kill me). Somehow, in my addled brain, I still told myself (his voice, inside my head) that
you are just exaggerating the danger; after all, you lived together with this man for X years, of course he's not as dangerous as you sometimes think..
That's the kind of stinkin' thinkin' that gets you killed. I think you have a kickass lawyer (I did, too) who will put the fear of God into this man -- HOWEVER, Ann is right. Your situation, as I assess it, is dangerous: You know he's off his rocker, and you don't feel sure law enforcement will protect you.
On this, I agree with Tuffgirl:
I am not sure I would recommend to anyone getting a gun for protection unless you are trained. Chances are high that you'd hurt yourself or have it taken away from you instead.
Absolutely and totally agree. ESPECIALLY for someone like you. And here is where I see myself in you again.
I'll relay to you what my lawyer (who does firearms training) said to me: Do you REALLY think, if it came to that, that you would be capable of pulling the trigger on the father of your children? Because if you have the least hesitation -- he'll have the gun and you'll be dead.
I don't know if you can get bear spray where you live -- like mace, but in bigger cans with bigger reach -- but that's what I carry. 24/7/365. Worst you can do is get sprayed yourself and get very uncomfortable -- but in a pinch, it'll buy you time to run.
I also like the idea of having someone come stay with you, if possible. I should have asked friends to do that -- but I felt like I didn't want to drag them into my drama. My lawyer recommended that I do it when I was scared, after those RO violations, because (he said) "only the absolutely most hardened mentally out to lunch criminal will NOT behave differently if there is another adult present."
Please be safe. I worry about you.
