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i was arrested

Old 03-20-2012, 05:23 PM
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i was arrested

I have a RO against AH. I also have an order from the court tied into the RO that I have a right to be in the house alone (his lawyer tried to argue I did not have this right bc his name is on the mortgage but the judge made a "custody" of property sort of decision-- I don't really understand it-- and said that until the divorce is finalized and property division sorted out, I have sole access to the house. Anyway, on Sunday, AH showed up at the house, violating the RO. I opened the door after he screamed and ranted and the girls were bawling and saying they wanted him... It was stupid to open the door and I know that now. I didn't think it would be a big deal at the time and I thought if he could say hi to the girls he'd leave and then I'd call the police. Well, I opened the door, with the girls right there and he punched me in the stomach hard enough to lift me off my feet and I wound up on the ground. I got up, shouted that the girls get in their rooms and called 911 instantly. In whatever brief time it took for them to come, he went into the barn that is attached to our house and cut himself (or scratched--- not sure which) on the face, neck and arms.

When the police came AH emerged from the barn and that's the first I saw of his "injuries". I told them what happened. Then I was told to stay in one room and he was taken into the next room and I could hear him telling the officers that I told him to come over and had said that I would be gone (makes NO sense) and that he could be with the girls. Then he said that I attacked him and that's where his injuries came from.

The police who came were two, young males and I hate to sound gender biased but I feel like they were biased against me bc what happened next was that I was told to wait in the living room, they took AH outside and I assumed he'd be arrested. I told them he had hit me by the way and they looked skeptical bc I had no visible injury and said it was odd that I had no bruises.

Next thing I know, the officers ask me to step outside (the girls had come downstairs by now and were sitting with me). I told them I'd be right back and to go back to D6's room. Instead they went to the window of the playroom. The officers stood me in front of that very window, and told me I was under arrest for assaulting my husband. I was handcuffed and my daughters saw it all. I was charged with simple assault. This happened on Sunday and bc it was a weekend I was brought first to the police station and booked like a criminal and then I was brought to the county jail where I was held until Monday morning. AH actually called my mother to tell her I had been arrested (which I guess is good bc she was able to get my lawyer on things first thing Monday morning).

My lawyer had the temporary RO removed that the police put on me banning me from contacting AH or my children and has already been before the judge and has successfully had MY RO against AH made permanent (for a year- that's as permanent as they get). He has also filed something on my behalf regarding the police mistreatment (the fact that AH who had a RO against him wasn't arrested is just the tip of the iceberg) and the way they handled what happened is going to be addressed. Ultimately it doesn't matter to me bc the damage is done but my lawyer is hell bent on having the cops held responsible for their gross lapse in judgement. I'm just deeply disturbed that my kids saw what they did.

I am in utter shock. My lawyer assures me that he will demonstrate that AH manipulated the entire situation and I will have no record and that his lying to the police will not be taken lightly. When I went to work today my boss played me a message AH left her late Sunday night (like 1 am) saying that I had asked him to call her and that I was very ill and might not be in all week. When she heard that yesterday she called the police and said she knew he was abusive and was scared for me and asked that they try to find me. She was called back by dispatch and told I was in custody and "safe" so that took care of me having to tell her I was arrested today. Fortunately she was understanding and has saved AH's message (he emailed her too) and said that she will testify or do whatever she can for me.

The man assaulted himself, accused me of it and was believed by the idiot cops. I finally stopped defending myself to the cops after they arrested me bc I was told I wasn't "credible" and that my AH had told them I was "mentally ill" and they could "see it". All of this was said to me by the police. I finally asked one of them if there was a recording going on (bc I was thinking that they were crazy to be talking to me like they were if there was a recording device). The officer smiled and told me that there was a camera on me but no audio and smiled again. F'ing scary.

I spent the night in jail in a cell -- it was the most disturbing experience of my life. I can't even describe how horrible it was. I am sick to my stomach thinking about it and feel numb about all of this.

Please don't lecture me about how I shouldn't have opened the door. I am aware of it. I opened the door bc I didn't want a scene with him screaming outside and I made a devastatingly bad error in judgement.
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:30 PM
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No lectures,

Just ((((Hugs))))

I'm sorry this happened. I can't imagine how desperate and twisted his thinking is to plan and execute this assault. Just mind boggling!

I am thankful your attorney, boss and family are supporting you through this.

Please continue to take care of yourself, you are part of our family too.
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:45 PM
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I too am so very sorry you had to go through all this. I used to volunteer at a women's shelter, and sadly stories like yours are not uncommon.

Protect your girls and yourself and do whatever you have to do to get away from him and keep him away from all of you. Trust nothing he says or does. Keep the police and your lawyer updated with everything he does from now on.

Hugs
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:46 PM
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(((((wtbh))))) I have no words, just hugs. Hurray for your attorney!
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:53 PM
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(((wtbh))) - oh, sweetie..no lecture from me. Just lots of hugs and prayers (including extras for your attorney).

Amy
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:53 PM
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Oh my goodness ((wtbh)) that is just a horror. I think you handled yourself with great dignity and courage. I am just feeling very angry at all the people that failed you, but I am glad your lawyer is going to help you through this.

I don't even have words to say, this is just beyond awful.

We are all here for you, in whatever way we can.

And no, no lectures. SR will not fail you the way those..... people.... did. Any lectures show up around here and I'll take care of it.

Mike
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Trust nothing he says or does. Keep the police and your lawyer updated with everything he does from now on.
I'm not going to lecture you for opening the door. It's in the past and cannot be changed. But, I am concerned that you keep underestimating just how sick and dangerous this man is. I'm scared for you and your children. Please take Ann's words above seriously. You are in a very dangerous situation and who knows what lengths he will go to in order to harm you next time.

L
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:01 PM
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I am so sorry for all that has happened to you.

My lawyer advised me to never, ever speak to the police when under stress or in shock without an attorney present, he recounted several stories just like yours where the innocent victim is the one that ends up sitting in a cell.

Please just be careful, it sounds as if he is escalating!

Take care,

Bill
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:06 PM
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WTBH sending you hugs of support, (((HUGS)))
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I'm not going to lecture you for opening the door. It's in the past and cannot be changed. But, I am concerned that you keep underestimating just how sick and dangerous this man is. I'm scared for you and your children. Please take Ann's words above seriously. You are in a very dangerous situation and who knows what lengths he will go to in order to harm you next time.

L
WTBH I'm co-signing

My daughter continues to underestimate her xabf (who's still on the lam and faster than greased lightning) and I practically beg her to be careful. WTBH, I felt that same desire when I read your post.

I hate that you and your girls had to endure this, but I am so very glad you survived it. Please be careful. Please don't underestimate him again. Please please please!
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:30 PM
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I didn't underestimate him I don't think (maybe I did?)... I just didn't even think that anything that occured could happen. I feel like I need to develop as sick a mind as his to think two steps ahead. I couldn't have even imagined what happened. It's not that I don't think he is incapable of evil-- it's that I never thought of the scenarios that could occur.

All I can do now is realize that I learned a hard hard lesson and will never again hesitate to call 911 the instant I see him.

I will say this. I am VERY leary of calling the police EVER again. The police in my town (its a small town and he's a LOVED teacher and coach) have demonstrated that they are incapable of obeying the law or protecting the actual victim. I don't really forsee myself relying on them for any kind of protection anymore. I will call them if he violates the RO within the year but I have also considered exploring the option of getting a gun. I am vehemently anti-guns and swore I'd never own weapons, BUT I feel like the cops won't protect me and I now have seen how crazy AH is and maybe I had better have a sure fire way to protect myself.

My life has become a Lifetime TV movie I feel like...
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:50 PM
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WTBH, big ((((HUGS)))) from here in Jersey. Please take care of yourself. He is a dangerous man. When you look at him think rattlesnake. Sad to say he'd probably take that as a complement.

Your worried friend,
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:51 PM
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Good God. What is the matter with that man? And the police - sheesh - what a seriously ****** up situation, and I mean that emphatically even though SR will block out my swear words!

Can you find someone to stay with you for a while? A trusted family member or friend? Someone to be a credible witness if this happens again? And a big mean dog who doesn't like men?

Take care of yourself. This is scary.
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:54 PM
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Call a DV hotline. Explain what happened (and the several other incidents, too). Ask their advice. They are experienced with this sort of thing and can give you better advice than any of us can. Also, I don't know about where you are, but where I am they have advocates who can help with the legal stuff. They will appear in court with you, and they can even help your attorney advocate for your rights and safety. If the police will not protect you, you need to seek out those who will. IMO, having a gun in house with small children and a crazy ex is a recipe for disaster. Imagine how much time you would spend in jail if he had been shot......

L
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:55 PM
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I felt scared when i read your posting....i'm so very sorry. when your daughters are older they will understand what happened. i hope this lunatic is kept away from them in the meantime.

i hope you get some peace of mind and justice soon.
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:57 PM
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I have to say that it is comforting (that's not the right word but I really don't know which other word to use) to know that some of you have heard stories like this where the innocent person gets arrested. I am so ashamed and feel like I did do something wrong bc of what has happened and it is helpful to hear others speaking of situations like this. I would not wish this on anyone (okay, I might wish karma on AH and let him experience this but he's the only one) but it is somehow shame relieving a bit to know that there are others who faced this too.

By the time I was transported to the jail from the police station I'd been berated and shouted at for about 2.5 hrs by one of the officers. Each time another officer would come to the booking cell area he'd change his demeanor and then as soon as he was alone with me again he'd start in. My lawyer asked me if AH knew either of the officers who came to our house and i said I didn't know but it's a good theory that maybe one of them did know him and that explains some of the craziness that was directed at me?

I just can't believe that he harmed himself and that I was arrested for it. My lawyer told me I ought to have asked them to swab under our nails and it would've shown I didn't touch him but obviously if I'd been able to think that fast and that clearly I would have...

I think it's a wise idea that I have someone stay with me (or I stay with someone else). I am trying to keep things as "normal" as possible for the girls (who are a MESS) right now so I am at the house but I have not slept since getting home yesterday bc I am so afraid of him showing up. I think maybe I ought to just go stay elsewhere or as was suggested, have someone stay with me as a witness...
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:01 PM
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I would have someone stay if I were you. I can only imagine how scared you three are right now. I'd want the company AND protection of another person right now.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong, even opening the door. I would have done the same thing.
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:03 PM
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LTD- I actually spoke to a public defender (even though I had a lawyer she was nice and spoke to me while I was at the jail) and she arranged for a dv advocate to be a the video arraignment that had to take place before I was released. They aren't really able to do much legally but they are emotionally supportive and supposedly work with the prosecutors office to protect victims but that did not work out at all when AH was arrested last year for assaulting me. Right now my lawyer has been the best person who has been able to get things done swiftly to help. The RO is in place solidly for a full year and it is on file with the court that there is a history of DV with AH (that was the case well before this weekend).

You're right about the gun... I guess I'm emotional and thinking not real clearly.... There are certainly enough calls on record to 911 of my being afraid of him and asking for help that it would not be hard to show that I was defending myself but I have no interest in testing that theory. I just feel totally dismayed by the uselessness of calling the police and am unsure what my means of protection are at this point... Short of disappearing or moving to a new town where the police aren't collosal assholes, I feel like my options for protection are minimal. I think we all have heard of plenty of stories of crazy ex's who violate RO's-- they are paper and while I have that legal protection, I feel like it is just a matter of time before AH violates it... He knows where I work, he knows where I pick the girls up from school and I am genuinely afraid for my well being like I have never been before. Unless he is in jail I will not feel safe.
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:28 PM
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I still think calling the DV hotline is a good idea. Even if they can ONLY offer emotional support, it sounds like maybe you could use some right now. ((()))

L
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:55 PM
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I have a gun, but I also know how to use it and pretty well at that. I am not sure I would recommend to anyone getting a gun for protection unless you are trained. Chances are high that you'd hurt yourself or have it taken away from you instead.

The best defense is a good offense. Get really serious about documentation. Get a nanny-cam, and possibly a security cam for your front door that can hook into your computer. Tape and video everything. Empower your oldest to be able to know right from wrong. Have a bag around for a quick exit. Have a safe place to go to at any time of the day or night. Take a self defense/hand to hand combat class.

This is serious business now. Plan for anything and be prepared.
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