The Lies we tell ourselves...

Old 09-28-2011, 11:49 AM
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The Lies we tell ourselves...

I am trying to reconcile the fact that even though my RAH says he's working his's clear he is not. He says he's on step 6...I'm not seeing it. But it's his program...
I'm really concerned that he is playing me...

Yes he is going to meetings. He is not drinking. He's 'hanging out' with his AA buddies after meetings for coffee or a late dinner. They come here and hang out occasionally (doesn't bother me in the least)...but not one of them is his age...they are all in their early 20's, unmarried and no kids. It's like he is stuck...he wants to be 20 again... He doesn't really associate with the Husbands/Fathers in the group much. It's just bizarre.

He is absolutely horrible with money. I used to take charge of paying all the bills and such. He would bring me his check and I'd deposit it in my account and pay bills. Now he has his own account. Pays the rent and nothing else..except his cell. I'm borrowing money from my parents to cover all the other bills..because hell if I know where the rest of the money is going. He says gas and cigarettes but that's crap. He eats out all the time, for lunch. After his meetings... It's just a PITA.

I just am at a loss.

I realized I am the person I never wanted to be...the woman who when asked why she didn't leave says "but I love him.."

Why can I not just say enough is enough. There are more lies than truths and I can't tell the difference anymore. The only real question is what is he lying about now...

So ... I'm just over it. I need a job. Applying all over town and praying the right job comes. I need to re evaluate this situation.

I am so unhappy. But it's soooo hard to make a change.
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Old 09-28-2011, 11:58 AM
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Its tough and theres no doubt about it...but you don't have to make any decisions now - in the meantime..remember to look after yourself.
Hopefully something will turn up on the job front.
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Old 09-28-2011, 11:59 AM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
I am so unhappy. But it's soooo hard to make a change.
It's even harder to stay stuck in hell living with a self-centered, self-absorbed alcoholic.

The fact he only pays rent speaks volumes about his character.

He may be attending meetings and hanging out with his recovery buddies, but he's far from being the responsible husband. All step 6 involves is a willingness to give God our defects of character.

I don't allow leeches to live off of me, period.

You have the power to change your life.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:04 PM
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Isn't it amazing what we put up with and we still stick around!

I'm sorry blwninthewind what you're going through and praying that you find a job and a way out of this chaos.
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:54 PM
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I can SOOOO feel you on the financial front. My abf obtained a job after 3.5 years of me supporting him. Who got him the job? I did and I regret every minute of it. He has made my job life a living hell, the job I used to love to come to to get away from him. I just couldn't support his drinking habit anymore or him mooching off me. Instead of being a strong person, I acted in an extremely codependent way and got him a job. Sigh. The lessons we learn are sometimes so hard.

Now that the A has a job, he pays literally half the rent, food, utilities, but doesn't try to give 'a little more' since I supported him for 3.5 years. No, now he feels entitled to bully me around about having clean clothes to wear to work, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kid more and more, because 'he works hard all day' while 'i just sit in an office'. He doesn't buy the kiddo shoes, clothes, toys or anything extra to make up for not doing it previously. Mostly he is concerned with keeping enough money in his account to drink every day and buy his cigarettes. Forget saving for a house or doing anything constructive with his money like fixing his car that runs like crap and can't pass smog. I have stopped worrying about what he does with his money financially and am just working on an escape route, fast.
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Old 09-28-2011, 01:30 PM
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Oooh My Heart Does Ache for You....

Remember this, when mine opened his own checkbook/debt card
I never knew it. He moved away and he forgot he had the account.
Yeah, (FORGOT)...grrrrr
He over drafted and of course, it dinged my credit...

I went without eating for 3 weeks because of no money, while he was out eating breakfast,
lunch, dinner with his recovery friends.....Oh. I forgot he did buy coffee for the

My heart aches so bad for you, you have no idea....
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Old 09-28-2011, 04:35 PM
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Wow- I can really relate. The "I know I should leave but I love him"... and feeling trapped (bc of no job and struggling to find one- me too!)

I don't know what to tell you changed with me but something shifted and I'm jobless, few if any prospects job wise, but I realized I couldn't take it anymore (the I'm working a program when it was clear he wasn't and I was miserable with who he was and with who I was with him) and we're separated.

The financial irresponsibility, the behavior of middle aged fathers that looks like that of teens, grown men who seem annoyed by the reality of what responsible adult life looks like... I've lived with all of it. My anger was always simmering below the surface bc I couldn't stand how he acted and who he was and I was stuck hoping he'd change, demanding he change etc... Nothing changed of course.

I made him leave finally and am happier than I've ever been. It's not bc things are great, easy etc... I just feel like the weight of the world isn't on my shoulders anymore.

Thinking of you.
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:16 PM
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Thank you... I got something from each and every one of you.

We had an arguement tonight. One of his AA guys witnessed it (pretty rare that anyone sees this side of him)..
He wanted to know why the dishwasher wasn't run.
My answer, A. it wasn't full, last time I ran it 1/2 full I heard about it for an hour.
B. Two of the 3 kids were in the shower. Not enough hot water for everything at once.

He argued that he filled it last night...
so why didn't I run it earlier today
and he didn't SEE any new dishes...implying I was lying about it not being full.

Stupid me started pointing out what dishes I had put in there today...explaining "this is the bowl I mixed the meatballs in. this is the coffee cup I used tonight ..blah blah blah..and then I like snapped.

I asked him "why am I explaining this to you anyway?????"
and he yells at me....."because I asked you a question"

I went over the edge... I don't know who the hell he thinks he is...

I yelled that I don't have to explain anything. What the hell does he think? that I'm lying about filling the dishwasher? I'm not a moron and he damn well better quit treating me like one.

I was ticked.
Over the dishes.

I REALLY need to get the hell outta here....he is driving me crazy.
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Old 09-29-2011, 04:07 AM
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How petty and what a bully! I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Old 09-29-2011, 04:46 AM
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I am sorry that you are stuck with this infantile mighty mouth, who seems to believe that going to AA entitles him to rule the barnyard. It may seem silly to have a dust-up over how full/empty the dishwasher was, but where an alcoholic is concerned NOTHING is too silly to fight over.
If these are his actions whilst supposedly in a recovery program, then he sure is way off track and heading for a big fall.

If he isn't contributing towards the house expenses, a good chat along the lines suggested by Anvil would be well in order. If he carries on about doing his bit in providing towards household expenses and such, then it is time to evaluate what you want instead of handling whatever he doles out.

Why should it all be on your shoulders? Maybe you could take some leave and tell him you are taking time out to "WORK YOUR PROGRAM", so he can meet the bills, do his own meals, washing etc til you feel better.

As I loudly informed my ABF when he drove me to almost murder, "being in AA doesn't make you a sacred just means you're an Alco working a program instead of a programmed alco."
I demanded equality in time and house work, expenses and such for me with Alanon as he had with his D & A counsellors, Rehab meetings and so on. It worked fine for a good while.

Mind you if this is your "sober step working" man at work, hmmmm maybe sobriety is not going to be so sweet. You know some of the sayings about taking booze out of the cattle thief and what do you have?
Hope he grows up fast and soon, and helps as he should. If not then I wish you strength, lots of ideas and enough anger to give you real motivation in moving out of his way and going your own.
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Old 09-29-2011, 10:30 PM
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anvil, dear woman, you got a laugh out of me:
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i've been in and heard of some dumb arguments before, but i think this one takes the cake. or at least the dishes on which the cake was served!? a hissy fit over the dishwasher....what a glowing example of recovery in action. NOT.
and yes blwninthewind, your "wake up" in the middle of the Pickyoon Stupid Moronic Stuff your A was choosing to argue about, was a beautiful thing!
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Old 09-30-2011, 06:03 AM
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There is nothing worse than a A who becomes a smug meeting maker instead of actually working a real program of recovery that roots out the exact type of selfish behavior that your are being subjected to... sigh.

Hope you are able to get some face time in Alanon as well as coming here to chat... it will help you deal with the upside down world and quacking.

The road is narrow to real recovery and few make it ... your A is skating around the edges instead of signing up with a sponsor who knows the drill and can take him through the steps and help him learn to be accountable to himself and to the program of recovery. If he is hanging out with others who are not dedicated and invested to serious introspective recovery he will stay like them... shallow and selfish.

It is hard, hard work for an A to change his spots ... if he ain't sweatin' he ain't growing and unless that starts happening nothing will change except his geography (physically being at meeting is NOT recovery)
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