tjp613

WTBH - You've come a LONG way, Baby!!!!!

skippernlilg

All of that writing was this:

"I'm scared to be alone" and "I'm still going to drink" (either way)

His biggest quack was saying if he's alone, he probably won't stop drinking. Threats and manipulation much?

He definitely started the bargaining process quite early in this masterpiece. "If you, then I"...

This is the Template letter, and really...I'm so glad you recognize it for what it is.

"Absent father"...hmmmmm. Another threat/manipulation. Involving innocent children. Nice.

He's protecting his drinking as much as he possibly can right now. THAT's his priority.

This is very typical alcoholic behavior, and I'm glad you took the time to post it so
others who are not sure can read what a 'nice guy' a person can seem when they really mean something entirely different than what it appears.

wanttobehealthy

.... and 2 days after he wrote it I got the wrath last night. And yes, I got sucked into it (albeit briefly) bc he's figured out that using the girls is the best way to upset me and well, it does.

I listened to his nonsense for a few minutes, briefly got sucked into trying to remind him of his words 2 days previously and then walked away.

But wow does the fear in him make him so so much more evil/nasty.

I won't give credence to the crap he said but suffice to say I'm feeling sad and frustrated with myself for letting his words bother me.

I know I'm not supposed to take it personally but his favorite tool of abuse is his cutting words and he's now reverted to "documnting" and sending me a copy of his "journal" of all the times I alienate him from the girls. Last night when I took the girls and walked away bc he refused to leave, he said that would be added to his journal and that kind of threat makes me crazy.

Oh and as I have said, I am not working right now (though I am actively looking) and last night I was told what a failure I am; I failed at marriage, I failed at being kind enough to make him feel comfortable being vulnerable with me, I failed at my career and I am a failure as a mother. That's the last I heard and walked away but those words are eating at me right now and I'm trying to hold back the tears right now.

Pelican

If you're such a failure, why is he trying to reconcile your relationship?

m1k3

WTBH, he is making himself feel stronger by trying to make you feel weaker. Inside he sees himself as a loser otherwise he wouldn't need to make those statements. He is projecting his own failures on to you.

Be strong, know that you are better than this and that you have the support of all you friends here at SR.



Your friend,

Thumper

It might help you to understand that these words are coming from a desperate man that is following the voice of addiction despite all that he is losing. When people are in that space their words are a projection of themselves. I don't believe for one minute he really believes any of that about you. I believe that he is projecting that onto you because it is a reflection of himself.

His addiction is winning over him - but not you - and it is driving him crazy.

Hang in there. This is one of the hardest times and I promise, it does get better.

Thumper

Ah - good post.!! I didn't read this one before I posted. Sorry - I didn't mean to basically just repeat you.

wanttobehealthy

thanks everyone,

intellectually i get that he's doing this bc of his issues... but damnit, that sharp tongue and the nasty words really really cut quick and deep.

i too wonder about how he can say he wants reconcile and say all these things and that thinking has made me nuts in the past... and has in the past lead to me asking him that (BAD idea bc there's always a justifiable reason that he is convinced of and tries to convince me of).

i'm dead tired today. what a nightmare of a night.

wellnowwhat

You've been having a rather intense time of it for quite a while now. You sound like you are active in your recovery. I hope you can find some time today to pull out some recovery tricks to put your mind and body at rest for a little while. You certainly have earned some self-TLC!

nodaybut2day

WTH...first off to you. Sometimes all we need is a good hug from a friend.

Second, here's my favourite French saying with regards to hurtful words:
"La pluie de tes insultes n'atteint pas le parapluie de mon indifférence"
(The rainstorm of your insults cannot penetrate the umbrella of my indifference).

He's a 5 year old snot-nose kid trying to hurt you by throwing stuff your way. Let it rain baby, 'cause they're just words.

wanttobehealthy

I guess I need to get to the indifference part. The reason I'm hurting I guess isn't ultimately bc of him but bc I do deep down believe what he says and THAT is why it hurts.

The things he throws at me (word wise) are the same messages I got from my mother for as long as I can remember. It's hard to shrug those words off.

I left out a lot of what happened last night and I think that if it had been just the words I shared above I'd be a lot less upset...There was so much more...

Thanks for the virtual hug-- I needed that. Today's been hard and I appreciate the kind words from all (I like the french saying a lot!)

nodaybut2day

Ugh, I'm so sorry about your mother. Parents can be so damaging to their children's self-esteem, sometimes without knowing, but sadly, sometimes they know it and don't care. At least you're able to recognize that what he's saying is a trigger for you, and that you need to guard yourself against him.

Is there any way to minimize his presence in your life? Seems like you could use a break to regroup and strengthen yourself. I would also suggest daily affirmations, coupled with whatever grounding exercise you use (yoga, stretching, meditation, KICKBOXING!!). It takes a lot of effort to believe that we deserve to be loved, especially after years of being jerked around and demeaned. I'm still working on it every day.

Alone22

Oh man he didn't waste anytime did he? You are not any of the things he is trying to make you believe. If you were a bad mom you would walk away and just leave them with him, but you are not. You are spending time with them, protecting them and loving them. Failed your career? What in the world is he talking about? You are a smart, well educated women who has zero control over what is going on with the economy. As far as the failed marriage, well please he seriously thinks it is your fault? You finally wised up to see where it was headed and what the real issue is and that is driving HIM crazy.

I find when I am suffering from this kind of stuff a meeting really helps me to get refocused. Do you have time today to fit one in?

wanttobehealthy

I would absolutely be at a meeting if there were any daytime ones around me. This State SUCKS in terms of daytime (and even evening) al anon meetings. So, I've talked to my sponsor, went for a run and have talked on here and am trying to get myself together bc he will likely show up at a school sponsored picnic tonight that I have no control over his attendance at and I'm dreading it. Most of all I hate that the girls good time is impacted bc when he's around it's tense and they are at each others' throats whereas they get along pretty well most of the time when he's absent for a few days..

nodaybut2day

I'm sending you some of my strength and prayers, and hope that you can breathe through tonight's picnic. If he gets unpleasant, remember your umbrella. You can smile and stick out your tongue at him from under there.

Jazzman

I only quickly skimmed through this letter and this jumped right out at me.

I call BS on this, it's pure manipulation. I'm divorced from my first wife of 13 years (nothing to do with addiction) with two sons and we agreed on 50/50 custody because that was my bottom line, nothing less.

I submit to you he is already an absentee father due to his addition. Divorce has nothing to do with being an effective father. What a crock.

GettingBy

OH WTBH... I wish I could reach out and give you a hug right now. Those biting words... suck. They cut like a knife straight into my soul when I hear them. As I have grown in Al-anon, I *KNOW* to not take it personally. I know to detach and not react... and all of that other great Al-anon stuff.... but there is still a part of me that gets hurt. I hurt that a person I love is saying those awful things. I *know* they aren't true words... but I allow them to sway my judgement. Allow them to make me second-guess myself.

The only remedy I have found to that kind of crap is to lean heavily on my Al-anon friends and sponsor. Addiction is ugly and mean - my sponsor reminds me I am a good, loving person... and perfect just the way I am.

Keeping walking girl... there is light where you are headed.
-Shannon

SoloMio

Stick your fingers in your ears!! Don't let him do that to you!! It's evil poison (sorry for the strong language, but whenever I hear that kind of venom, I think of the devil at the end of the Exorcist where the devil is playing on the guilt the priest had over his mother being in the nursing home and dying.--this is the same kind of manipulation.)

He's just playing you. Stay strong! You'll get through it!

wishin4change

This post and all the replies have shown me I am definitely in the right place. MY AH is the same Jekyl/Hyde routine. and I too, know how bad the words hurt, even when you know they aren't true, deserved, or even said with real conviction.

Im glad I came here.

danielleinto

Wow, that e-mail is exactly what I'm expecting to get from my soon to be XAH. Unbelievable, as I read it I was feeling what I'd feel and it was guilt. Manipulation and desperation were mentioned in 2 of the posts above. Dam they're good.

You just keep on replaying in your head the way it was. I don't know about you but I've heard the words in that e-mail many times before and it is manipulation. It's just very sad that we've all heard it before and as someone else said they must have an e-mail book (written for alcoholics) that they pull this stuff from. They should just make it a form letter.

By the way, that quack, quack duck has helped me so much. I used to give my husband "the look" everytime he was drunk and now I don't even notice he's in the room.