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Old 09-09-2011, 08:33 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
.... and 2 days after he wrote it I got the wrath last night. And yes, I got sucked into it (albeit briefly) bc he's figured out that using the girls is the best way to upset me and well, it does.

I listened to his nonsense for a few minutes, briefly got sucked into trying to remind him of his words 2 days previously and then walked away.

But wow does the fear in him make him so so much more evil/nasty.

I won't give credence to the crap he said but suffice to say I'm feeling sad and frustrated with myself for letting his words bother me.

I know I'm not supposed to take it personally but his favorite tool of abuse is his cutting words and he's now reverted to "documnting" and sending me a copy of his "journal" of all the times I alienate him from the girls. Last night when I took the girls and walked away bc he refused to leave, he said that would be added to his journal and that kind of threat makes me crazy.

Oh and as I have said, I am not working right now (though I am actively looking) and last night I was told what a failure I am; I failed at marriage, I failed at being kind enough to make him feel comfortable being vulnerable with me, I failed at my career and I am a failure as a mother. That's the last I heard and walked away but those words are eating at me right now and I'm trying to hold back the tears right now.

I'm sorry, I read this after I posted. They sure know what buttons to push. They're not only desperate manipulators but most of all they're control freaks.

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Old 09-09-2011, 08:42 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Stay strong. It does hurt and the future is scary enough without veiled threats about your kids and your competence as a mother. You are smart to realize he is doing what he can to protect his disease. Don't let his disease have any power over you and your kids.

You have great strength. I think I may have been fooled by his "loving" email. They say what we want to hear. Reading your posts have renewed my own resolve in letting go and detaching from the craziness. Thank you
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:14 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I guess I need to get to the indifference part. The reason I'm hurting I guess isn't ultimately bc of him but bc I do deep down believe what he says and THAT is why it hurts.
We ALL doubt ourselves at times -- especially emotionally difficult times! We ALL beat ourselves up thinking, "I could have done this differently" or "I should have been better at XYZ". None of us are perfect and we all just do the best we can within the framework of our lives. Whether or not you are a "good" mother or unemployed or whatever, there is no excuse in the world for such harsh, nasty, biting, emotional ABUSE to be inflicted on ANYONE.

Forgive yourself as you would forgive a good friend for not being perfect--or even close to perfect. We are imperfect human beings. Plain and simple. Dust yourself off, give yourself a nice warm hug and hold your head high, honey. You are in very good company.

When on earth are you going to be able to get some distance between you and this asshat jerk???
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Old 09-10-2011, 05:56 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Thanks for all the support and comfort everyone. I talked to my sponsor a record number of times yesterday and between that and talking to folks here and talking to a few good friends at a picnic at my kids school last night I ended the day feeling a lot stronger.

One of the things I find helpful to tell myself (and my sponsor reminds me of this a lot) is this:

AH is behaving no differently than he has ever behaved. I've HOPED and WANTED him to be a kind, non abusive, predictable, thoughtful, decent man but it has been the exception rather than the rule throughout the entirety of our r/s that he behaved this way. So, why exactly is it that I expect anything else and why exactly is it that I continue to be surprised/caught off guard and hurt by behaviors that he has shown me are exactly what I should expect from him.

I guess that I have resisted really embracing believing this bc I felt that it was "too mean" and meant that I was seeing him in black and white terms and not giving him a chance and all sorts of other ridiculous thoughts along these lines... I felt that thinking of him in terms of "who has he shown me to be?" and expecting that from him meant that I was viewing him negatively and not being a loving, kind person.

INSANE (on my part) to think this way. And something about this go around made me realize this fully and completely.

I will now and forever fwd see AH as he is; not as I wish he was, not as I wanted him to be, not as I hoped he'd become. I will see him as he is based on his actions.

This isn't all that profound I guess but yesterday it (the notion of accepting him as he is and being okay with admitting that who he is SUCKS) kind of hit me in a new way and I feel like it's now really internalized vs something I wanted to believe and tried to feel but didn't. I don't feel I need to apologize for disliking who he is and don't need to keep it a secret that he doesn't treat me well. I can't really pinpoint what happened/shifted, but something did. Maybe he needed to cross the line from huge jackass to guiness world record holder of jackass title (which he did thurs night) for me to finally GET that he will never, ever change and that he doesn't deserve for me to give him even one iota of possible credit for having a shred of decency. That's where my head is at now and even if it sounds extreme and mean, I'm okay with it!

PS. Survived the picnic fine, ignored AH, he tried to talk to me and give me pseudo apology. I walked away. Several friends asked if things were okay (I've kept up the "we're a happy family" lie in public to protect his image mostly and I told 2 close friends the truth last night-- not detailed but that we were separated, going to divorce and that he's an abusive alcoholic. I felt strengthened by letting down the lie and facade and feel so much better today than I have recently. Maybe for as bad as Thurs night was, I needed it to happen to push me fwd a bit more... Who knows.

I am really grateful to each and every one of you on here and for al anon and all that this site, my therapist and al anon have offered me in terms of getting my own sh*t together and getting my life on a track I am proud of/happy about.

Your support yesterday really helped me through a dark day...

Many thanks!
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Old 09-10-2011, 08:13 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

Several friends asked if things were okay (I've kept up the "we're a happy family" lie in public to protect his image mostly and I told 2 close friends the truth last night-- not detailed but that we were separated, going to divorce and that he's an abusive alcoholic. I felt strengthened by letting down the lie and facade and feel so much better today than I have recently. Maybe for as bad as Thurs night was, I needed it to happen to push me fwd a bit more... Who knows.
Keep the facade is just draining. Sometimes hearing the words spoken out loud allows some of the pressure bottled inside out. Good for you
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Old 09-10-2011, 08:19 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Everything he's doing is so that he can so very fiercely protect his one and only love, alcohol.
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