Alright for some!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Alright for some!
Here's a little observation from this evening. I stayed a couple of nights with my daughter in Liverpool recently and we had a few cocktails in the hotel. We said we must try making them, so this evening we made a Pina Colada (not too successful). My partner, R, who isn't communicating at all with me since I confronted the issue of her drinking and started al-anon, came into the kitchen and asked what we were doing, when we told her 'making cocktails' her reply was 'it's alright for some.'
So we are having all the fun, after years of hidden Vodka and wine bottles and violent ugly scenes-never once the hint of sharing any of that drink that was consumed secretly-with all the consequences for the emotional wellbeing of our family.
Some hipocrisy there?
So we are having all the fun, after years of hidden Vodka and wine bottles and violent ugly scenes-never once the hint of sharing any of that drink that was consumed secretly-with all the consequences for the emotional wellbeing of our family.
Some hipocrisy there?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Hipocrisy, bitterness, judgement, resentment... these are what I hear in her comment about your cocktails. What's the silent treatment all about? Did she have anything to say when you originally confronted her about her drinking?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Thanks MyGirlGracie, no, there has never been any attempt to confront the issue-except something along the lines of 'you are so controlling you would make anyone want to drink'
So now I have reached a point where I will not acknowledge it, I have learnt to walk away from it and think about my own life, scary because it could end up in a split-but that has to be preferable to a life of dreaful uncertainty about each new day.
So now I have reached a point where I will not acknowledge it, I have learnt to walk away from it and think about my own life, scary because it could end up in a split-but that has to be preferable to a life of dreaful uncertainty about each new day.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Painterman
If I had a dollar for every time I was told 'you are so controlling you would make anyone want to drink' I would pay off my mortgage, cars, and go on a month long visit to Germany and the UK to see all my old haunts! LOL
If I had a dollar for every time I was told 'you are so controlling you would make anyone want to drink' I would pay off my mortgage, cars, and go on a month long visit to Germany and the UK to see all my old haunts! LOL
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Painterman... I don't know which is worse, the blatant disregard the A has for the havoc they are creating or hearing the A acknowledge the problem and do NOTHING about it! It results in the same crap in the end!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 57
Painterman why are you going to Al-anon and yet making and drinking in front of your partner? Instead of using her past actions and faults to justfy your drinking maybe you need to do an honest moral inventory of yourself. If you are not willing to make some changes for a renewed and better relationship with your partner maybe you need to let go and move on. I am sure Al-anon does not support mixing driinks and drinking in front of someone suffering from alcoholism and new to sobriety. Its not easy to maintain sobriety at times which is why the say one day at a time. Good Luck with being judgemental.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by lilotto 
Painterman why are you going to Al-anon and yet making and drinking in front of your partner? Instead of using her past actions and faults to justfy your drinking maybe you need to do an honest moral inventory of yourself. If you are not willing to make some changes for a renewed and better relationship with your partner maybe you need to let go and move on. I am sure Al-anon does not support mixing driinks and drinking in front of someone suffering from alcoholism and new to sobriety. Its not easy to maintain sobriety at times which is why the say one day at a time. Good Luck with being judgemental.
He was in the kitchen with his daughter wasn't he? having fun and a life!
There is nothing wrong with having a drink from time to time if the person drinking isn't addicted, abusing it or for whatever reason doesn't know when to stop.
I'm not 100% sure what AL anon does or doesn't support, but I thought it supported looking after 'yourself'
Judgemental? People who live in glass houses and all that...........
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I struggled for years with the question - "Should I or shouldn't I have an alcoholic drink?" I mean, here I am criticizing my AH's drinking, yet, I'm turning around and having a drink myself. Isn't that hypocrisy? Yeah, tough stuff to say the least.
What I have learned through Al-anon - is that I am POWERLESS over my AH. He is going to do what he's going to do regardless of what I choose to do or not do. If I would like to have a drink, then I (like him!) am free to do as I choose! If my drinking gets out of control, that's my problem/business to deal with.
For a long time I chose to not drink in front of/around my AH. Why? Because I thought I would somehow inspire him to sobriety!! HA. HA. HA. I laugh not because I think him getting sober is funny... but because how silly of me to think that I was powerful enough to change him!!!
It's all about our motives. When we are making our choices, we have to make sure our motives are pure... and that we aren't doing what we are doing to control/manipulate another human being. It all goes back to Step One.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
What I have learned through Al-anon - is that I am POWERLESS over my AH. He is going to do what he's going to do regardless of what I choose to do or not do. If I would like to have a drink, then I (like him!) am free to do as I choose! If my drinking gets out of control, that's my problem/business to deal with.
For a long time I chose to not drink in front of/around my AH. Why? Because I thought I would somehow inspire him to sobriety!! HA. HA. HA. I laugh not because I think him getting sober is funny... but because how silly of me to think that I was powerful enough to change him!!!
It's all about our motives. When we are making our choices, we have to make sure our motives are pure... and that we aren't doing what we are doing to control/manipulate another human being. It all goes back to Step One.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by painterman
Thanks MyGirlGracie, no, there has never been any attempt to confront the issue-except something along the lines of 'you are so controlling you would make anyone want to drink'
So now I have reached a point where I will not acknowledge it, I have learnt to walk away from it and think about my own life, scary because it could end up in a split-but that has to be preferable to a life of dreaful uncertainty about each new day.
So now I have reached a point where I will not acknowledge it, I have learnt to walk away from it and think about my own life, scary because it could end up in a split-but that has to be preferable to a life of dreaful uncertainty about each new day.
I hope the rest of your trip to Liverpool went well!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Originally Posted by lilotto
Painterman why are you going to Al-anon and yet making and drinking in front of your partner? Instead of using her past actions and faults to justfy your drinking maybe you need to do an honest moral inventory of yourself. If you are not willing to make some changes for a renewed and better relationship with your partner maybe you need to let go and move on. I am sure Al-anon does not support mixing driinks and drinking in front of someone suffering from alcoholism and new to sobriety. Its not easy to maintain sobriety at times which is why the say one day at a time. Good Luck with being judgemental.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I don't know this whole story.
But I know what it is to be an alcoholic.
It's not a choice.
It doesn't become a choice...
until it's life or death.
Now, that ... I know.
I also know a newly-diagnosed diabetic
will not like
being confronted with
all the foods they're no longer allowed to have.
It's a form of torture
to watch others enjoy a food that you also love
but cannot have because of fatal allergies.
This , too I know first hand.
A diabetic who is farther down the road
with living with their disease
and has become comfortable established
in the new life they must now lead
can be around the foods they cannot have
and tolerate others enjoying it.
But not at first.
At first, it's a misery.
And like it or not-
A diabetic cannot share their insulin.
Since I don't know this whole story
I do not take a position of 'right or 'wrong'
only a position to be sure
that a perspective as yet unmentioned
is mentioned
and made clear.
My opinion is for the position
of those who regularly come to SR
and only lurk and read.
I think about the lurkers a lot
because sometimes theirs...
are the hardest stories being lived.
So hard
they can't even talk about it yet.
SO-
I don't know this whole story
But I have LIVED the other side of this story
and know it intimately
from an alcoholics point of view.
Just felt the need to balance the perspective a bit.
There's a disease at work that is bigger than hurt feelings.
Congratulations on Alanon
I hope you find the answers you're looking for.
But I know what it is to be an alcoholic.
It's not a choice.
It doesn't become a choice...
until it's life or death.
Now, that ... I know.
I also know a newly-diagnosed diabetic
will not like
being confronted with
all the foods they're no longer allowed to have.
It's a form of torture
to watch others enjoy a food that you also love
but cannot have because of fatal allergies.
This , too I know first hand.
A diabetic who is farther down the road
with living with their disease
and has become comfortable established
in the new life they must now lead
can be around the foods they cannot have
and tolerate others enjoying it.
But not at first.
At first, it's a misery.
And like it or not-
A diabetic cannot share their insulin.
Since I don't know this whole story
I do not take a position of 'right or 'wrong'
only a position to be sure
that a perspective as yet unmentioned
is mentioned
and made clear.
My opinion is for the position
of those who regularly come to SR
and only lurk and read.
I think about the lurkers a lot
because sometimes theirs...
are the hardest stories being lived.
So hard
they can't even talk about it yet.
SO-
I don't know this whole story
But I have LIVED the other side of this story
and know it intimately
from an alcoholics point of view.
Just felt the need to balance the perspective a bit.
There's a disease at work that is bigger than hurt feelings.
Congratulations on Alanon
I hope you find the answers you're looking for.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My two cents. Bottom Line: it is NOT anyone's responsibility to make life "comfortable" for anyone else. Alcoholics are not responsible for making us comfortable and vice versa. If a situation makes a person uncomfortable they have a choice: speak up appropriately and ask for what they need and if the other party can help, they get to make that choice OR leave the situation and find a place where they are more comfortable. I have lived in codie-land way too long and will never again feel I am responsible for how someone else feels because of the choices I make. And on the other side of the coin, no one else is responsible for how I feel and so if I find myself in a situation that I do not like (whether my comfort is "right" or not) it is MY responsibility as a grown up, to remove myself- NOT someone else's job to fix it for me.
I also just want to add that I think it's crummy that Painterman is being asked to consider his UNRECOVERED AW's feelings because he feels like having a drink. His wife seems to be fully capable of trying to make him feel that's wrong already-- I am pretty sure he doesn't need to be made to feel that here. If his wife is uncomfortable with he and their daughter having a drink she has choices. Alcoholism is a disease but it isn't one that impacts the ability to make any choices at all. If she's sober and upset that he's drinking she could call a sponsor, go to a meeting, talk to her H about how she feels, read a book, go for a walk etc... Painterman is not responsible for his AW's feelings or her choices.
I also just want to add that I think it's crummy that Painterman is being asked to consider his UNRECOVERED AW's feelings because he feels like having a drink. His wife seems to be fully capable of trying to make him feel that's wrong already-- I am pretty sure he doesn't need to be made to feel that here. If his wife is uncomfortable with he and their daughter having a drink she has choices. Alcoholism is a disease but it isn't one that impacts the ability to make any choices at all. If she's sober and upset that he's drinking she could call a sponsor, go to a meeting, talk to her H about how she feels, read a book, go for a walk etc... Painterman is not responsible for his AW's feelings or her choices.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I was just thinking about this issue today related to parties . . .I don't have parties because all of the non-alcoholics enjoy a glass of wine and I thought it was supportive of the alcoholic not to tempt in early recovery . . . But now I am rethinking this . . .
I also realize that part of me would be fearful that if I served alcohol, the alcoholic might drink in front of me - I know I am not responsible for whether or not they do drink but it would be unbearable for me to witness it . . .I don't know how some of you do it . . .for me, it is my grown daughter, so I don't have to live with it day-to-day, thank God!
Thank you for posting this as I find it very interesting. It is also interesting that two self-professed alcoholics seem to think it is pushing the envelope (if I read their posts correctly) . . . I am not sure what that means . . .
What does Alanon say on this issue? I attended Alanon for years, but never heard this issue discussed.
I also realize that part of me would be fearful that if I served alcohol, the alcoholic might drink in front of me - I know I am not responsible for whether or not they do drink but it would be unbearable for me to witness it . . .I don't know how some of you do it . . .for me, it is my grown daughter, so I don't have to live with it day-to-day, thank God!
Thank you for posting this as I find it very interesting. It is also interesting that two self-professed alcoholics seem to think it is pushing the envelope (if I read their posts correctly) . . . I am not sure what that means . . .
What does Alanon say on this issue? I attended Alanon for years, but never heard this issue discussed.
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