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Seeing her drunk

Old 05-31-2011, 03:41 AM
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Seeing her drunk

For those who haven't read my past posts please go back and do to get a better understanding if you want one. Basically I have a daughter who was a great kid when she was growing up she has had some serious problems with drinking since leaving for college including run ins with school authorities and the law.

My husband and myself told her if she didn't get a 3.0 this last semester of college we stop founding her. Her grades were dropping, we believed because she we was spending more time drinking and doing god knows what else than studying. I got worried about how she'd do when right after we said that, she partied straight through Spring Break and when she got back to college shortly there after. She always posts the pictures of the crap she does when she drinks, I can't stand to see the pictures of most of the time but at least know what she's doing. Unforuntaley, so everyone else in the world.

Anyway, she finished with a 3.3 and told me she quit drinking for a month and a half to get her grades up. She partied the last weekend she was away at college, she called me and told me she was going to do it and not to be suprised if she sees something on facebook. I told her I didn't support her desicion but she did it anyway. I saw the pictures and she looked like she enjoyed herself...She also told me she got drunk in her dorm with her friends their last night together at college but they didn't leave of party or anything.

Anyway she seemed like she was making strides in the right direction. She's been home for two weeks and has been basically sat home and been a good girl. She got a job at Pizza Hut and been busy working for the most part. She had tonight off. She said she was just gonna go out with some friends. Oh she went out.

I fell asleep on the couch reading a book earlier so, I wasn't in a deep sleep when I heard two loud 19 year old girls stumble in my back door. I went to the kitchen to see my daughter and one of her friends both clearly drunk. Amber had no pants on. Just a thong and a tank top. Her friend was in a bikin for some reason I don't even know why. They both started giving me hugs and talking to me. Amber asked me if we had any wine because she was thirsty. I asked her if she was drunk (like I didn't already know) and her friend Haley answered and said word for word "Dude we're ****** up and we love it!" They reeked of beer, and Amber definately has a hickey on her neck. I asked Amber where her pants were, and she said "Not on booty thats for sure" IT was disgusting. I thought about going to bed, but when I was half way there I head a noise in the kitchen and went back to see Amber throwing up in the sink. She got some on her shirt and while I was still in there she had Haley help her take her shirt off. Eventaully they both lost balance and were laying on the floor of my kitchen. Half naked. I just couldn't handle it. My daughter in her underwear, drunk out of her mind right in front of me with her friend who I've know for years in a swimsuit drunk laying on my kitchen floor.

I helped them get to the couch wear they're both sleeping right now. But I haven't been able to get back to sleep. The images were too harsh. All of the thoughts running through my head. Pictures were heart-breaking enough, seeing it in person was 1000x worse. I'm still worried about what happens when my two younger children wake up. Thankfully I probably won't sleep at all tonight and will be able to keep my 15 year old son from going downstairs and seeing his sister almost naked. I just can't handle all this right now it's killing me. I haven't told my husband yet because I didn't want to wake him up. It's so much to process all at once, I just need some help and prayers.
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:52 AM
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Sounds like a horrible scene!

You definitely have my prayers.

Have you ever attended an alanon meeting? I think meetings might help you find the tools you need to deal with your daughter in a healthy way.

Hugs....
I'm sure its got to be so tough...
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Old 05-31-2011, 08:38 AM
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College kids will be college kids. However, your daughter has had run ins with the law, lower grades ect.... One of the best definitions of alcoholism is continued use despite consequences. She has had consequences and continues her drinking. It sounds like your daughter may be in the beginning stages of alcoholism. They have AA meetings geared towards young people in most major cities. If she doesn't get help these incidents are likely to get worse. Alcoholism always gets worse never better.
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Old 05-31-2011, 09:33 AM
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She is still at a stage where they will think it is funny how ****** up they were... EVen if you try to explain how bad it is, they will probably laugh and say, Haha, look at how I couldnt talk, look at the fact I had no pants.

I really feel for you, here.

I think you should put some house rules in place. If she doesnt come home within ceratin hours, if she is intoxicated, she will have to save her money, work longer hours, get an apartment.
You have other kids to consider, here.

In our house, growing up, I was the youngest of 6. My dad died when I was 13, and my brothers and sisters were running wild.
It was perfectly common and normal for them to roll into the house at all hours, completely Sh*tfaced.

My mother made no rules, there were no consequences.

I struggled with alcohol and drugs for years, and I really thought it was just WHAT you did.
And I thought that because I saw my siblings doing it, and they were OK, and they did not get into trouble, and nobody died when they drove around drunk.

Well, my cousin did not die, but he killed three of his best friends and paralyzed himself at 17.

It did not stop any of us.
My two sisters are both in recovery from alcohol, and my brother still drinks too much.
My mom has been to rehab 2x, and she is trying to moderate herself, now, trying "social" drinking.

I never get in her face, but my MOther should have taken control of us kids. SHe was obviously drinking herself, but, I LEARNED that it was OK to get obliterated, not only OK< but that it was a rite of passage, and that some people never pass through, just get stuck there.

She needs some serious consequences NOW>

You and your husband must be able to come up with a plan. Put into rehab, even if she doesnt want it, it may start to work on her a little.

And she will at least come into contact with the concept of the dangerous nature of alcoholism.

But, I saw my brothers and sisters this way that you describe, passed out, throwing up, half naked, brought home by police...

I just thought its what we do, becuase nobody showed me any different.
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Old 05-31-2011, 09:36 AM
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As a mom this has to be difficult. The parents that talk in my alanon group really hit me the hardest I guess because I have 3 kids and I fear one day I will be dealing with what you have going on. I know my DS17 has been to parties and had beer and I try hard to put it into perspective. I went to parties at his age and had a few beers to and I turned out just fine, BUT his dad is an A, so I worry. Kids in college drink, and party but what is a normal amount? What as a parent should we be okay with? and if we aren't okay with it, then what? My first question to your daughter ,given what you just indicated, would be "how did you get home?" Drunk driving is very dangerous, period. As a parent I would struggle to know exactly how to handle this. Consequences yes, but what exactly? I'm sure others will be along with great advise for you. Alanon would be a great start if you aren't going.

Thank you for sharing. My heart really goes out to you. This is something I fear in my own life. I will be back to see what the experienced ones around here say.
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Old 05-31-2011, 10:25 AM
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I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this! It sounds like she is doing the bare minimum of what you told her. So, raise the bar, as soon as she is not hungover. I told my son that he couldn't smoke pot in the house. So when I went to get his brother's Scout shirt, and found a bong, I smashed it, and we had several long emotional conversations. At 17, he went to go live with his pot-smoking dad. Decisions about drug use lead to family consequences, not just individual consequences.
AlAnon will help you; it takes time. Be gentle with yourself and loving and firm with your daughter.

- Sylvie
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Old 05-31-2011, 11:26 AM
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Your daughter and her friend are 19 years old???? what is the legal drinking age in your state. In my state, NJ parents who allow underage drinking are held liable and charged.

you have to think of the legal ramifications too....she's walking the streets without pants on and gets picked up, YOU are going to have to answer for it and pay the hefty fines.

I think that you are going to have to be very firm about what is acceptable behavior and stop pussyfooting around...WHY did you not wake up your husband for support?

These photos of nudity and drunken behavior on facebook will be following her around in 10 years (if she lasts that long)....If she's not embarrassed for herself, it's up to you to step in as her PARENT. why didn't you call her friend's parents and ask them to pick up their own drunk kid? they are running your life???

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you don't put your foot down, it will escalate....your $$$, your house, your rules....let her take some responsibility or next year at school will be a repeat performance.
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Old 05-31-2011, 12:32 PM
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Fandy, I agree completely. She has crossed the line and a zero tolerance policy should be established. This was far beyond some casual drinking at a friends house, which should be a groundable offense.

Have a serious discussion with your husband to establish the rules and consequences before you discuss it with her. It is not a discussion, she gets no say in the matter. That is why it is so important to have this worked out with your spouse. If she comes up with a valid point tell her you will think about it but do not change your mind during this session.

The next step is to discuss this with the rest of the family so your other children know whats going on.

And lastly stick to your guns. No second chances. It's ok to have a sliding scale of punishment just so you aren't kicking her out of the house the first offense but make sure this is clear up front. Don't ever let her think she can get away with this type of behavior.

I managed to raise 2 teenage daughters in to fine wonderful people who have great families of their own. It isn't easy but it is well worth it.

Probably the most import thing is for you and your husband to agree to the conditions and stick to them because she will try to play you off against each other.
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Old 05-31-2011, 03:09 PM
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I guarantee you that your 15 year old son (and all of his friends)? have seen her pictures on facebook.

You have to wonder that when she arrives home, very drunk wearing only her thong panties and a tank top....is she practicing safe sex???? or doesn't remember???? (that is a whole different nightmare)

I'm sure you and your husband have given her the "don't you have any self-respect" speech.... but the truth is....her actions are giving the impression that she is willing be treated a certain way by most men...no matter how smart she is, no one will respect her. And this is going to impact her future relationships both with men and women. no one will take her seriously when/if she is ready to be a responsible woman.

right now she is very immature emotionally and displays addictive behavior.You have to step in with a tougher stance and some help....you cannot be a friend she asks for wine...you have to be a Mother with a capitol M.
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Old 05-31-2011, 03:37 PM
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We hadn't applied rules about drinking for her when she got home yet because we were being stupid. We thought it was something she did with her college friends, we never thought she would with the girls she hung out with in high school. They just didn't do that stuff. Obviously they do now.

I realize I could've handled everything better last night, but you gotta realize how much of a tramatic situation it was for me. I didn't give her anything else to drink, I was just so in shock. Think of it was your little girl and another girl you've know since she was 9 tripping around your kitchen when you're half asleep. I thought it was a nightmare for a second. I couldn't handle it when it happened.

She's woken up and we've talked to her about it. We spelled it out as clear as we can. We don't want her drinking, she's not 21 it's illegeal. If we catch her drinking in our house, if we find out she's drunk in our house. She's not gonna be in our house for much longer. My other daughter and son are supposed to tell if me they her drinking or if she appears drunk. My husband agrees with me.

As far as her facebook goes, she's an adult. I don't like seeing those pictures, I doubt her siblings do, but she's an adult. I have no right over it. She can choose to put whatever she wants on there no matter how disturbing it is.

I want to help her through this and I'm hoping that she's got it out of her system for the Summer and that things will get better
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Old 05-31-2011, 03:53 PM
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I don't know what else to say other than my parents would have taken me to jail themselves for minor under the influence if I had come to their home in that state. While I was in jail, they would have calmly and methodically packed my things and left it on the front porch for me when I was released. That is, the things they decide I can take with me.

My folks didn't mess around.

She may be an adult, but enabling is enabling. If she has no rules and no consequences, she won't stop her behavior. Shoot, I wouldn't either!
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:10 PM
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Personally, I'd never compare what I did with my kids to anyone else.
Because I didn't do so great myself.
I went off the OTHER way -
so six of one, half dozen of another.

After each of the sons
had had their fourth arrest
I just couldn't cope.
I put them in touch with counseling
and told them not to contact me until
they were clean and sober.

it would be eleven years
before we could reconcile.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Both my sons are successful
they are both living productive trauma free lives
but I will never say
it was because of anything that *I* did.
I KNOW I didn't do the prettiest thing.

But I *did* do what I truly believed was the *right* thing to do.

I will again suggest alanon,
SOME sort of in real life support for you
at this time.

It's going to take more than restrictions
or family talks
for this to cease being a problem.
Recovery is like alcoholism
in that it affects the entire community
that surrounds the alcoholic.

This is not normal teenage or college drinking.

I'm trying to say as gently as possible
that this is as serious a situation as you think it is
and that you would be wise to seek outside help
to get through it all.

Whether you seek it together
as a family
or as a mother and daughter
or as a father and daughter
as a husband and a wife
or as the parents of a child with problems
as yourself

whether it be therapy
a outpatient rehabilitation counseling thing
or alanon
a priest or rabbi

this is something that I truly think
you're both going to need as many hands and minds
as you can find
to get it back under a positive umbrella.

I do NOT want to sound harsh at all,
and I hope you don't feel attacked
that would be the worst thing that could happen
because all that accomplishes is people shut down
and start "wishcrafting" the situation away.

I feel for you I truly do.
But this is a well marked, heavily traveled road you're describing
and there are many of us here
who know exactly where it leads.

please, think about seeing someone to help you all out of where this is headed.
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:32 PM
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God bless you...

Hi SNH,

It doesn't get better, it gets worse. You know this, and you know where I stand on this tragic situation. Her coming home drunk was a cry for help, and her begging to be held truly accountable. If that doesn't happen...

I will suggest to you again, and again, and again that you start going to Alanon as soon as humanly possible. I believe it will help you a great deal.

Take care. I'm sorry.

Cyranoak

P.s. I drank all through college, and for several years after. My mother has NEVER seen me drunk. And she never will.



Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp View Post
I want to help her through this and I'm hoping that she's got it out of her system for the Summer and that things will get better
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:34 PM
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You have a perfect right to say you don't want to see her in your home when she's drunk. Letting her in your home drunk and helping her to the sofa is enabling her.
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:38 PM
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You are heartbroken I know.. but think of the trauma you will feel if something truly bad happens to her out there if she has been drinking. You know this of course and I sense a great deal of shame in your posts about her but she is screaming out for guidance and boundaries.

19 isn't an adult yet. Legal age for some things yes but young people have not much concept of consequences until their mid 20s. Is she in therapy? Any type of treatment? Checked for STD's? I know this all is shocking to you and I did my share of crazy and reckless stuff at her age for sure. But this isn't typical college stuff. She is putting herself in some very dangerous and risky situations. Hanging out with some questionable friends.

No you can't control her to an extent but you could yank her out of that college until she got her head on straight. She could take a leave of absence. Or make sure she is in a program there at college by notifying a counselor there, that isn't control, it is a consquence. Any college is not going to want a young co-ed tragedy on their hands so you may find support there, they may have strict consequences for under age drinking while enrolled.

Just suggestions. I am not in your shoes so take it for what it is worth but I'd hate to read about something awful happening. The drinking isn't in your control but this is about consequences today and not threats that won't happen tomorrow.
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:40 PM
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my little girl is now 30 years old....I have been there, seen worse (on my brand new couch no less)!!! I chased that "boy" across the lawns and I think i threw a shovel at him and called my attorney for advice on how to press formal charges....I told him he was NOT welcome in my home, I called his mother and told HER that i did not approve of what they were doing.

she's not an adult,except for voting and consentual sex and emotionally she is making some very bad decisions that can affect her education, scholarship and real adult circumstances....

it's YOUR house, your internet (and I am guessing you purchased the phone and computer)? I really think you need to take a stronger stance on drunken, lewd pictures she is posting on facebook....instead of "cringing", tell her in plain english, the consequences.

asking the siblings to rat her out doesn't seem like much help(i never told on mybrother)....i'm very sorry for your traumatic shock, but you may have a lot more if you don't realize that this may be just the tip of the iceberg.

again, i'm not trying to come across as a hard-nose, but your child is not thinking clearly...and she is following a pattern that will escalate.

you've been watching her actions for the last 2.5 months, do you REALLY believe that she stopped drinking for a month and a half??? maybe she cut down, but watch her actions,search her purse and her room...i know this villifies you, but she had given you cause.

she comes home drunk and 1/2 dressed and you let her sleep late???? while YOU lost an entire night's sleep???? (i just hope i am reading wrong when you typed...she's awake now,if i'm mistaken, slap me)

How did she get home last night? did she drive? did another drunken teenager drive her home? Did you cover for her friend or discuss the incident with the girl's parents? Did you call the parents of the home she was at and tell them the state she arrived home and why was there alcohol being served? Did you report the incident to the local police?

I realize that the above actions are very upsetting, but if you want it to stop, you have to get involved....it's more than a case of "picking your battles" with a moody teenager. If she does *think*I she is an adult, she has to realize her actions are going to have consequences, both unpleasant and law enforcement.

i hope she will just grow out of it, but i think it is more than that....
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:55 PM
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Not trying to scare you or over-dramatize, but half-naked teenage girls who run around drunk, hanging with guys known and unknown oftentimes end up raped, beaten and sometimes killed. What is happening with your daughter is extremely dangerous. There are some very mean people out there. She may be of legal age for certain things, but she is NOT an adult. She is playing with fire and has been for a while.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:05 PM
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My sons were 21 and 22 btw.

(just realized I didn't put their ages in that long arse story above)
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:24 PM
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I know you hope that it is "out of her system" for the summer but if she is an alcoholic it will not be. If it's this bad at 19 what is it going to be like when she is 21 and able to "bar hop" and go to nightclubs? Or does she have a fake ID? An alcoholic is not always the stumbling "wino" begging for change on the street. Alcoholism comes in different stages and effects young people as well.
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