Around the Circle Again
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Around the Circle Again
Driving home from work last night, in line to get off at my exit, I notice the car three cars in front of me is the same make, model, and color as XABF's. I had finally calmed down, stopped watching my back, stopped jumping whenever I saw a car that looked like XABF's, so I didn't pay it much notice. As I got closer, though, I noticed the first three letters on the license plate... then the dent in the back right bumper... it was him.
His exit on the highway is the one before mine, but sometimes he takes my exit to avoid the construction, or to go to the liquor store up my way when the one by his house is closed. My exit splits to go in two completely different directions, the bit to the left goes to his house and the liquor store; the part to the right leads to my apartment (and practically nothing else - a Dunkin' Donuts, a Wawa, and a giant stretch of construction and houses).
He turned right, heading towards my apartment.
The two cars in front of me went left, which would have left me directly behind him if I continued to drive home (and I did not want him to notice me), so I went left and did some grocery shopping. He wasn't at my apartment when I got home. (Thank goodness he gives up easily). He also wasn't there when my sponsor and I left, later, to head to my Al-Anon meeting (I was speaker last night).
I am sick and tired of this.
I finally started to relax, and here he comes again. I was hoping that he would have given up, since I stopped him the other two times he tried (Feb 14 in my parking lot, March 7 at work), and I didn't see him last month.
My sponsor has since reminded me that last month, around the time he would have appeared, I completely changed my schedule and took the day off to have the kitten spayed, so he could have tried and I just wasn't there to see him. Drat.
When am I allowed to have a life where I'm not constantly checking in my rear view mirror?
I did speak to the psychologist at work today, talking about options since we both work at the same place. (A lot of people work here, and we work in two completely different buildings, so it's easy to avoid each other). I didn't follow him to my apartment, so I can't prove that's where he was going, but the next time he's evidently trying to contact me in spite of my wishes, whether it happens at home or at work or anywhere else, I can call HR and they'll take over. It's nice to know it doesn't have to be at work for them to be able to step in.
After work today, I think I'll stop by the local police, see if anyone will walk me through my options, and what sorts of information/records would help them should I need to call them in on things.
This on top of the call from XABF's sister on Thursday... She wanted me to call XABF's daughter, who wanted to talk to me about how XABF treated me when we were together, since she's dragging him to a psychologist in the hope of treatment because she believes he's delusional and has a major mental illness, and she wanted my information so she could "force" him to tell the truth to the psychologist... On my sponsor's advice I said that I'd consider talking to the psychologist, if he wanted to speak with me, but that I didn't feel it was appropriate to talk to his family about it. His daughter sent me an email later that night, half guilt trip about how sick he is and how much the information I could tell her would help, and half her telling me that I had a right to live my own life...
I'm glad I'm not directly involved in that circus anymore, but I just want to be left alone completely.
And now with his daughter panicking about his mental health, I'm starting to wonder how much further he's slipped since the last time he was in my apartment, where he started throwing furniture and I left to spend the night at work?
I can't be complacent.
I have to get everything together, now, so I can be prepared the next time he comes.
Now I know that adding "if there is a next time" is simply lying to myself.
There will be a next time. I just need to be ready.
His exit on the highway is the one before mine, but sometimes he takes my exit to avoid the construction, or to go to the liquor store up my way when the one by his house is closed. My exit splits to go in two completely different directions, the bit to the left goes to his house and the liquor store; the part to the right leads to my apartment (and practically nothing else - a Dunkin' Donuts, a Wawa, and a giant stretch of construction and houses).
He turned right, heading towards my apartment.
The two cars in front of me went left, which would have left me directly behind him if I continued to drive home (and I did not want him to notice me), so I went left and did some grocery shopping. He wasn't at my apartment when I got home. (Thank goodness he gives up easily). He also wasn't there when my sponsor and I left, later, to head to my Al-Anon meeting (I was speaker last night).
I am sick and tired of this.
I finally started to relax, and here he comes again. I was hoping that he would have given up, since I stopped him the other two times he tried (Feb 14 in my parking lot, March 7 at work), and I didn't see him last month.
My sponsor has since reminded me that last month, around the time he would have appeared, I completely changed my schedule and took the day off to have the kitten spayed, so he could have tried and I just wasn't there to see him. Drat.
When am I allowed to have a life where I'm not constantly checking in my rear view mirror?
I did speak to the psychologist at work today, talking about options since we both work at the same place. (A lot of people work here, and we work in two completely different buildings, so it's easy to avoid each other). I didn't follow him to my apartment, so I can't prove that's where he was going, but the next time he's evidently trying to contact me in spite of my wishes, whether it happens at home or at work or anywhere else, I can call HR and they'll take over. It's nice to know it doesn't have to be at work for them to be able to step in.
After work today, I think I'll stop by the local police, see if anyone will walk me through my options, and what sorts of information/records would help them should I need to call them in on things.
This on top of the call from XABF's sister on Thursday... She wanted me to call XABF's daughter, who wanted to talk to me about how XABF treated me when we were together, since she's dragging him to a psychologist in the hope of treatment because she believes he's delusional and has a major mental illness, and she wanted my information so she could "force" him to tell the truth to the psychologist... On my sponsor's advice I said that I'd consider talking to the psychologist, if he wanted to speak with me, but that I didn't feel it was appropriate to talk to his family about it. His daughter sent me an email later that night, half guilt trip about how sick he is and how much the information I could tell her would help, and half her telling me that I had a right to live my own life...
I'm glad I'm not directly involved in that circus anymore, but I just want to be left alone completely.
And now with his daughter panicking about his mental health, I'm starting to wonder how much further he's slipped since the last time he was in my apartment, where he started throwing furniture and I left to spend the night at work?
I can't be complacent.
I have to get everything together, now, so I can be prepared the next time he comes.
Now I know that adding "if there is a next time" is simply lying to myself.
There will be a next time. I just need to be ready.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Its almost as if we want (and it seems reasonable to me) to be totally free of any reminders of the stress being in the r/s caused once we decide we are done.
You're going about your day, happily, doing okay and then see his car and it's like PTSD (and I'm not making light of PTSD... I'm serious).
When I see the model car H drives when I am out and about I feel my pulse go up, I feel anxious, I feel upset... It's visceral and happens before I know it.
As you said, you are now better prepared for next time... You know it might happen again, it's happened already and you know how it makes you feel. Having what we dread, actually happen, sometimes makes it possible to be better prepared to deal with it the next time...
You're going about your day, happily, doing okay and then see his car and it's like PTSD (and I'm not making light of PTSD... I'm serious).
When I see the model car H drives when I am out and about I feel my pulse go up, I feel anxious, I feel upset... It's visceral and happens before I know it.
As you said, you are now better prepared for next time... You know it might happen again, it's happened already and you know how it makes you feel. Having what we dread, actually happen, sometimes makes it possible to be better prepared to deal with it the next time...
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i'd like to think maybe he was just picking up stuff at the dry cleaners, you know, totally UNrelated?
I live in the middle of nowhere by comparison. The only things up my way are gas stations (there's closer ones to his house), Dunkin' Donuts (there's one one block for his house), some old mansions you can tour (weekends only), my apartment, a jail, and a juvenile correctional facility.
I'd like to think it was unrelated, but he literally has no reason whatsoever to take that road that makes any sense, aside from him going to my apartment.
Everything he needs that he likes to do is either within 2 blocks of his house, or a half hour drive away from my apartment (and uses different roads).
Originally Posted by anvilhead
have you considered more drastic steps...such as looking for work elsewhere or moving away? if it came to that for you own safety and sanity??
I've looked into moving, but I'll confess, I hate the thought of allowing him and his obsession to ruin something that I love. Right now, aside from him, I love everything about my life, and that's for the first time I can remember.
I just renewed my lease for my apartment, so I've got a full year plus a little, and this year, I can finally enjoy the swimming pool. (I missed out last year, XABF hates swimming, and I had to be next to him 24/7, so I wasn't "allowed" to go either.)
I am very grateful that I was behind him, instead of in front of him.
Or, worse yet, he pulled into the lot while I was getting out of my car.
My complex doesn't really have security, no, although there are three different doors to get into my particular building, and XABF always tries the same one (which hardly anyone else uses, so the odds of someone else letting him in is slim to none). There's lots of different places to park, and he doesn't know my car, so I've been parking on the other side and taking the far stairwell up (if he ever got in, he'd use the elevator).
The parking lot is patrolled by the local police, though, and they're usually rather close by when they're not actually in the lot, so I do feel comfortable that if I had to call I wouldn't wait long.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Wow Star...that is tough, and I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I am lucky enough that my XABF moved over 1,000 miles away from me. But I STILL find myself looking over my shoulder from time to time--He is that unbalanced. It seems like your ex is similar to mine. Best of luck, and hopefully he will give up and leave you in peace soon enough. I agree with the others who posted--Please make sure you are safe. In the short time I have been here, your posts have gotten me through a lot, and I am genuinely worried for you if your ex is as unstable as mine was by the time we finally went our separate ways.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm not really clear if you feel in physical danger or not either. He sure wouldn't be the first person to take a drive past an ex's house when feeling blue or whatever. I still drive past my old house sometimes (ex doesn't live there though). Of course he wouldn't be the first psycho stalker either so just to be safe I'd make sure I had some kind of self defense 'plan'. Pepper spray or panic alarm or something.
I also think it is OK to tell his family you no longer want contact with them. There is no point in it really. His treatment is his problem and I'm quite certain he can get excellent care without your input - to think otherwise is just dramatic on the part of his family. If they are telling him they talk to you - that is just feeding into him driving past or getting crazy thoughts etc.
I also think it is OK to tell his family you no longer want contact with them. There is no point in it really. His treatment is his problem and I'm quite certain he can get excellent care without your input - to think otherwise is just dramatic on the part of his family. If they are telling him they talk to you - that is just feeding into him driving past or getting crazy thoughts etc.
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
At this point, it's an annoyance. He wants to argue with me about how the relationship problems are all my fault, but he's such a great guy that he'll give me one more chance if I just go back to him.
He's never physically abused me when we were together, although he was absolutely abusive towards me in other, legal-in-my-state ways. As long as he thinks there's a chance we can get back together, I absolutely believe that he wouldn't try to physically hurt me. He is likely to grab my arm to try and keep me from leaving, but I do have pepper spray. The one time he did grab me like that, aiming the pepper spray at him without even spraying it was enough to get him to let go immediately. (He knows what it is, he bought it for me - how's that for irony?)
That said, once he discovers that I have no intention of going back to the relationship, then I'm not sure what he's capable of. Not anything permanent, I feel confident in that, but I don't really want to find out. That's why I intend to stop by the police station tonight and learn about my options. I want to stop him before he gets to this point.
I feel confident he's not there yet. He would accelerate his attempts to reason with me, first, and he seems to be sticking to his lax "once a month" cycle.
Before his drinking took him so far downhill to where he's at now, he was very good at facilitating teams. He was especially good at wearing down the antagonistic people in the team (the worst was a passive aggressive/arrogant guy, who was very good at shutting the team down because everyone was afraid of them) until they determined it was easier to cooperate than to antagonize, and watching him in action, then seeing him mirroring that behavior towards me, I can figure out where I stand on things.
It's still early, so right now, I'm physically safe - he wants to throw words and insults at me, but that's all. I still don't want him to catch me - he's rather tenacious, and will follow me when I try to leave, until he loses track of where I went or I go somewhere that he can't follow.
Major annoyance, but that's where it will stop - at least for now. It will be awhile yet before he starts stepping outside of his new comfort zone/schedule.
He's never physically abused me when we were together, although he was absolutely abusive towards me in other, legal-in-my-state ways. As long as he thinks there's a chance we can get back together, I absolutely believe that he wouldn't try to physically hurt me. He is likely to grab my arm to try and keep me from leaving, but I do have pepper spray. The one time he did grab me like that, aiming the pepper spray at him without even spraying it was enough to get him to let go immediately. (He knows what it is, he bought it for me - how's that for irony?)
That said, once he discovers that I have no intention of going back to the relationship, then I'm not sure what he's capable of. Not anything permanent, I feel confident in that, but I don't really want to find out. That's why I intend to stop by the police station tonight and learn about my options. I want to stop him before he gets to this point.
I feel confident he's not there yet. He would accelerate his attempts to reason with me, first, and he seems to be sticking to his lax "once a month" cycle.
Before his drinking took him so far downhill to where he's at now, he was very good at facilitating teams. He was especially good at wearing down the antagonistic people in the team (the worst was a passive aggressive/arrogant guy, who was very good at shutting the team down because everyone was afraid of them) until they determined it was easier to cooperate than to antagonize, and watching him in action, then seeing him mirroring that behavior towards me, I can figure out where I stand on things.
It's still early, so right now, I'm physically safe - he wants to throw words and insults at me, but that's all. I still don't want him to catch me - he's rather tenacious, and will follow me when I try to leave, until he loses track of where I went or I go somewhere that he can't follow.
Major annoyance, but that's where it will stop - at least for now. It will be awhile yet before he starts stepping outside of his new comfort zone/schedule.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Change your routines often. Like the day you took the cat to the vet.
And make note of his patterns...does he appear at certain times of each month - like when there's a full moon? Certain time of the day? Human beings have patterns, we just need to pay attention to see them.
My RAH used to say I would make a perfect target for a serial killer because I was so routine oriented. Don't be me. Be unpredictable.
And make note of his patterns...does he appear at certain times of each month - like when there's a full moon? Certain time of the day? Human beings have patterns, we just need to pay attention to see them.
My RAH used to say I would make a perfect target for a serial killer because I was so routine oriented. Don't be me. Be unpredictable.
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by Thumper
I also think it is OK to tell his family you no longer want contact with them. There is no point in it really. His treatment is his problem and I'm quite certain he can get excellent care without your input - to think otherwise is just dramatic on the part of his family. If they are telling him they talk to you - that is just feeding into him driving past or getting crazy thoughts etc.
Because he is suffering so intensely over the breakup, I cannot imagine it would be beneficial for him to know... It would give him a false sense of hope and that is the last thing he needs right now.
I have made it clear to the family that I am no longer speaking with them.
The only reason I left his sister's number unblocked is because she has been extremely understanding throughout the whole affair, over Christmas and afterward. Her husband is also an alcoholic, as well, so she understands - and I wanted to leave that line available to her in case she needed it for herself. If she calls again regarding XABF, of course, I will block her number as well.
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by Thumper
I also think it is OK to tell his family you no longer want contact with them. There is no point in it really. His treatment is his problem and I'm quite certain he can get excellent care without your input - to think otherwise is just dramatic on the part of his family. If they are telling him they talk to you - that is just feeding into him driving past or getting crazy thoughts etc.
Because he is suffering so intensely over the breakup, I cannot imagine it would be beneficial for him to know... It would give him a false sense of hope and that is the last thing he needs right now.
I have made it clear to the family that I am no longer speaking with them.
The only reason I left his sister's number unblocked is because she has been extremely understanding throughout the whole affair, over Christmas and afterward. Her husband is also an alcoholic, as well, so she understands - and I wanted to leave that line available to her in case she needed it for herself. If she calls again regarding XABF, of course, I will block her number as well.
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
And make note of his patterns...does he appear at certain times of each month - like when there's a full moon? Certain time of the day? Human beings have patterns, we just need to pay attention to see them.
My work schedule is also haphazard right now as well. I have been going in when I feel like it, and leaving when I've had enough. (This is one of those reasons why I like my job. *Grins*)
Before this visit I would have said he appears always on a Monday (now he's done a Tuesday, but still, early in the week), later in the day at work, or immediately on his drive home after work (which will vary slightly, so anytime between 5pm and 7pm, with more emphasis in the middle hour of that).
At my apartment, I suspect he looks for my car in the parking lot (it was always parked in the same place) and when he doesn't find it, he'll leave within a half hour. I have a different car now, and park in a completely different spot both at work and at home, so that part is easy.
I'm usually at my desk when I'm at work. There's not much I can do about that, unfortunately. However, I can make sure that I leave if there's not a lot of people around, and as long as there's people around XABF will want me to walk somewhere "more private." I have my phone next to me with our security number on it, so I can call security at work. I also have exit plans mapped. Some afternoons I can also spend a lot of the time upstairs talking to one of the groups I support, so there's that option as well.
The guy who sits next to me at work knows what's going on.
So does the guy who sits two offices down from me. (He also lives 5 minutes from my apartment, so we exchanged phone numbers).
So does one of the guys upstairs, who has volunteered to come down if I need him, and we picked out a code word.
I've got everything mapped out to get out of the situation safely.
I just wish it wasn't necessary.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
His entire family seems a little unpredictable to me so I wouldn't take their word for it and I'm sure his sister can find other support if she needs it. This once a month attempt at contact cycle is what you know about. If he is becoming more unstable you can not count on his old routines to be a gauge of his actions and unless you have spoken to him you don't really know what his actions or intentions are. I'm not trying to alarm you. I wasn't really alarmed in reading about his actions - I'm just trying to think it all the way through.
This situation just seems really precarious at the moment and the fewer ties to bind the better IMO.
This situation just seems really precarious at the moment and the fewer ties to bind the better IMO.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Why have you not gotten a restraining order by now??
Originally Posted by StarCat
At this point, it's an annoyance. He wants to argue with me about how the relationship problems are all my fault, but he's such a great guy that he'll give me one more chance if I just go back to him.
He's never physically abused me when we were together, although he was absolutely abusive towards me in other, legal-in-my-state ways. As long as he thinks there's a chance we can get back together, I absolutely believe that he wouldn't try to physically hurt me. He is likely to grab my arm to try and keep me from leaving, but I do have pepper spray. The one time he did grab me like that, aiming the pepper spray at him without even spraying it was enough to get him to let go immediately. (He knows what it is, he bought it for me - how's that for irony?)
That said, once he discovers that I have no intention of going back to the relationship, then I'm not sure what he's capable of. Not anything permanent, I feel confident in that, but I don't really want to find out. That's why I intend to stop by the police station tonight and learn about my options. I want to stop him before he gets to this point.
I feel confident he's not there yet. He would accelerate his attempts to reason with me, first, and he seems to be sticking to his lax "once a month" cycle.
Before his drinking took him so far downhill to where he's at now, he was very good at facilitating teams. He was especially good at wearing down the antagonistic people in the team (the worst was a passive aggressive/arrogant guy, who was very good at shutting the team down because everyone was afraid of them) until they determined it was easier to cooperate than to antagonize, and watching him in action, then seeing him mirroring that behavior towards me, I can figure out where I stand on things.
It's still early, so right now, I'm physically safe - he wants to throw words and insults at me, but that's all. I still don't want him to catch me - he's rather tenacious, and will follow me when I try to leave, until he loses track of where I went or I go somewhere that he can't follow.
Major annoyance, but that's where it will stop - at least for now. It will be awhile yet before he starts stepping outside of his new comfort zone/schedule.
He's never physically abused me when we were together, although he was absolutely abusive towards me in other, legal-in-my-state ways. As long as he thinks there's a chance we can get back together, I absolutely believe that he wouldn't try to physically hurt me. He is likely to grab my arm to try and keep me from leaving, but I do have pepper spray. The one time he did grab me like that, aiming the pepper spray at him without even spraying it was enough to get him to let go immediately. (He knows what it is, he bought it for me - how's that for irony?)
That said, once he discovers that I have no intention of going back to the relationship, then I'm not sure what he's capable of. Not anything permanent, I feel confident in that, but I don't really want to find out. That's why I intend to stop by the police station tonight and learn about my options. I want to stop him before he gets to this point.
I feel confident he's not there yet. He would accelerate his attempts to reason with me, first, and he seems to be sticking to his lax "once a month" cycle.
Before his drinking took him so far downhill to where he's at now, he was very good at facilitating teams. He was especially good at wearing down the antagonistic people in the team (the worst was a passive aggressive/arrogant guy, who was very good at shutting the team down because everyone was afraid of them) until they determined it was easier to cooperate than to antagonize, and watching him in action, then seeing him mirroring that behavior towards me, I can figure out where I stand on things.
It's still early, so right now, I'm physically safe - he wants to throw words and insults at me, but that's all. I still don't want him to catch me - he's rather tenacious, and will follow me when I try to leave, until he loses track of where I went or I go somewhere that he can't follow.
Major annoyance, but that's where it will stop - at least for now. It will be awhile yet before he starts stepping outside of his new comfort zone/schedule.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, StarCat. I've found myself watching for XAH's (his GF's) car again lately too along with the attendant panic when I see one like it. I'd just started not doing that when he pulled the last stunt at pick up. The desire to pull a geographic fix is nearly irresistible some days, and then, at the same time I really don't want him to think he's run me off. This is where MY home and family is.
I'm glad to read that you're making safety plans and that your work is able to offer help. I can't think of anything more to say, beyond: I'll sit and commiserate with you. Hugs.
I'm glad to read that you're making safety plans and that your work is able to offer help. I can't think of anything more to say, beyond: I'll sit and commiserate with you. Hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
You said he "skipped" last month, but you're not sure because of taking Peaches to the vet. Is there something about the middle of the month that is significant to him? Do you think maybe daughter did mention that she contacted you? Just thinking "aloud" here to find his pattern. I don't think it was just a coincidence that you caught him heading in the direction of your apartment.
I'm glad you have the support of your co-workers and all of these precautions in place. And I'm glad you are going to talk to the police about your options. Do you have anyone in your apartment building that you can go to for help, like you have at work? I think you need to get a neighbor or two on your side to keep an eye out for him and/or to call should you find him in the parking lot or in your building. This business about wearing down people concerns me. It may be beneficial at work as a facilitator, but I see how he could easily up the ante and use these techniques against you because he perceives you to be antagonistic by not talking to him. It sucks that you have to deal with this. Please be very aware of your surroundings at all times.
Is there a self defense class in your area you can take? Some tips I learned from going to college in a rough neighborhood...hold your car keys with each key between each of your fingers and make a fist. Do this when going to and from the car. If you need to punch, you have some extra little weapons in that fist. Always look into the back seat of the car before you unlock the door to make sure no one is hiding in there. And if you're walking and feel someone is following you, cross the street and keep objects (preferably parked car between you and the other person. If you feel the need, drop and roll under one of the parked cars and scream your head off. It causes a commotion and the "assailant" won't take the time to pull you out from under the car.
I just don't trust his mental state and the fact that he so thoroughly sees you as HIS possession. Better safe and feeling silly that sorry.
Take good care and hugs to you and Peaches.
I'm glad you have the support of your co-workers and all of these precautions in place. And I'm glad you are going to talk to the police about your options. Do you have anyone in your apartment building that you can go to for help, like you have at work? I think you need to get a neighbor or two on your side to keep an eye out for him and/or to call should you find him in the parking lot or in your building. This business about wearing down people concerns me. It may be beneficial at work as a facilitator, but I see how he could easily up the ante and use these techniques against you because he perceives you to be antagonistic by not talking to him. It sucks that you have to deal with this. Please be very aware of your surroundings at all times.
Is there a self defense class in your area you can take? Some tips I learned from going to college in a rough neighborhood...hold your car keys with each key between each of your fingers and make a fist. Do this when going to and from the car. If you need to punch, you have some extra little weapons in that fist. Always look into the back seat of the car before you unlock the door to make sure no one is hiding in there. And if you're walking and feel someone is following you, cross the street and keep objects (preferably parked car between you and the other person. If you feel the need, drop and roll under one of the parked cars and scream your head off. It causes a commotion and the "assailant" won't take the time to pull you out from under the car.
I just don't trust his mental state and the fact that he so thoroughly sees you as HIS possession. Better safe and feeling silly that sorry.
Take good care and hugs to you and Peaches.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
the loose link here is the family. i would shut that down entirely on email and phone. it is too dangerous for you to be the support for the sister.
starcat, please be careful. mine threw me down a concrete stairwell SIX MONTHS after i had moved out and gone no contact because he heard i was at a party. he left his job at the bar, came to the party drunk and insisted i leave and when i refused, he decided he would make me leave.
starcat, please be careful. mine threw me down a concrete stairwell SIX MONTHS after i had moved out and gone no contact because he heard i was at a party. he left his job at the bar, came to the party drunk and insisted i leave and when i refused, he decided he would make me leave.
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Thank you, theuncertainty. It is tough, it's a good reminder though that I can't let down my guard.LaPinturaBella, Nothing unique about the center of the month as far as I can tell, except that that's when he shows up. I think it has more to do with him staying away for about a month, than any particular date, excluding the one that started it all - Valentine's Day. (Which also happened to be a little over a month after he got out of rehab/recovered from his car accident).
I'm not worried about his "wearing me down" just yet, because it's all words, and it's better to have him verbally assault me once a month than verbally assault me every hour, so this is still an improvement.
If he doesn't give up, he will start to accelerate, but from what I've seen him do before it'll be words more often before it turns physical, so I'll have a warning. (Thank goodness!) That said, I am getting all my options together now.
I did stop by the police station last night, and they gave me some information and some numbers I can call, so I'll start on that tonight. (Last night I was baking pie, and there's no way I'm letting XABF get between me and my pie. *Grins*)
Originally Posted by LaPinturaBella
Is there a self defense class in your area you can take? Some tips I learned from going to college in a rough neighborhood...hold your car keys with each key between each of your fingers and make a fist. Do this when going to and from the car. If you need to punch, you have some extra little weapons in that fist. Always look into the back seat of the car before you unlock the door to make sure no one is hiding in there. And if you're walking and feel someone is following you, cross the street and keep objects (preferably parked car between you and the other person. If you feel the need, drop and roll under one of the parked cars and scream your head off. It causes a commotion and the "assailant" won't take the time to pull you out from under the car.
A couple of my neighbors do know about him. I should share more with them, about how he's still coming by.
I don't trust his mental state, either. Is he capable of getting physical - probably. Especially if he's still drinking (he's more subtle when he's sober). But he's not there, yet.
jds0401, thank you. I do know I can enjoy any apartment I move to. I'd prefer to stay in this one for awhile, since I can afford it and this is the kind I always wanted - but if I have to move, I will. In the meantime, I do have a year on this one because the lease was just renewed, and at the moment I can avoid him (I just wish he'd stop coming). If that changes, I'll have to make changes, too.
naive, thanks. His sister doesn't really call me anymore, we've only talked twice since I broke up with XABF. The first time she just called to ask how I was doing, and didn't pry with any particulars aside from suggesting that I see a psychologist, if I didn't have one already.
I don't call her. And I don't think she'll call me again, either, to be honest.
You guys are the best. Thank you.
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Hi Star!!!!
I just have to say that I think you've handled everything really well so far! I love that you bought a new car (probably one he would not have chosen) so that he can't recognize it. I think it's brilliant that you have planted a nice little jungle on the balcony of your apartment. It's probably soooo different than anything he could imagine that he might think someone else lives there now.
Sounds like you have lots of great plans and safety measures in place!!! Don't become complacent, though....and it sounds like this last drive-by has reminded you of that.
Take good care of yourself! Hugs, HG
I just have to say that I think you've handled everything really well so far! I love that you bought a new car (probably one he would not have chosen) so that he can't recognize it. I think it's brilliant that you have planted a nice little jungle on the balcony of your apartment. It's probably soooo different than anything he could imagine that he might think someone else lives there now.
Sounds like you have lots of great plans and safety measures in place!!! Don't become complacent, though....and it sounds like this last drive-by has reminded you of that.
Take good care of yourself! Hugs, HG
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