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What Am I doing ?

Old 03-28-2011, 07:05 AM
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What Am I doing ?

Yesterday was my daughters 4th Birthday Party we had lots of family and friends over and a great time all around. This was the first official gathering of the season, in my circle of friends and my family as well we get together and have lots of BBQ's and Parties all summer (we all have kids and they are all great friends).... I consider it SOCIALIZING and I admit I do like to enjoy a few beers with my sisters and friends (I am 21 I can) so I did I had a beer, then AH decided to go to the store to get MORE. (see where I am going with this?)

So the 3 hour party was over and AH instantly starts in on me and this is what he said... "This was a party for our daughter, not a socializing event for you and your girl friends. You and All your girls hanging on the porch laughing" I do not need to defend my self, but I am going to.... I spent the entire morning cleaning my house, decorating, shopping bathing & dressing 4 kids for the party. I sat on the floor with my daughter while she opened her gifts, I opened the cake, sang Happy Birthday, I cut and served the cake, I cleaned up the mess! Once my daughter and all the other kids were playing quietly with her new toys My frieds and I went outside to chat for a whole 10 minutes. I do not know what this bothered him, why he got upset with me "LAUGHING" with my friends for 10 minutes and unwinding?

So the quiet bickering continued, I tried to bite my tongue and not engage in the arguement he wanted. I got accused of having a boyfriend (multiple boyfriends) and of course when my cell phone rang it was my boyfriend that was going to come rescue me! So my BRAND NEW phone got smashed against the door jam..... I told him he had to leave, call a cab just get out!
He took the keys to my truck and threatened to drive it into the wall down the road. I didnt chase after him, I just shut and locked the door behind him.
He called me a few minutes later and said he was too drunk to drive and wanted me to give him a ride to a motel. I told him I didnt want to be near him and I had kids that needed to go to bed. He came back to the house and tried to break down the door, I kept the kids entertained and moving along with our nightly routine as if he were not outside.
Today he is all apologies, and sooooo in love with me. I am empty inside, I have no emotion left for this man.

We have been married for almost 12 years (together 15).

He said it was all my fault for having a beer first! And they may have been wrong of me, but why should I stop living my life and why should I expect my guests to change thier normal behavior. I know that I can drink socially and have a great time with my friends. Its not like he was trying to get sober at all?
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:12 AM
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from the mouths of Babes.....
During our tiff, I said to AH "I do not know where this attitude is coming from" and my son said "Mom, he doesn't have an attitute - that is just how his voice sounds when he drinks!"


I almost died, I thank my son for pointing out the obvious.
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:40 AM
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As you may know I am new to understanding how to handle myself around my AH, but I can tell you, you did NOTHING wrong having a beer and laughing with your friends. Alcohol is everywhere and your AH needs to not drink because it is what is best for HIM. No one makes an A drink! You may want to chose to have a dry house, but that would be your choice. He had NO right to make you feel like you did something wrong. In fact his behavior only points to the fact that he has a drinking problem. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to shut the door when he told you he was going to drive into a wall.

Over the summer we had friends over twice and both times my AH decided he felt left out because everyone else was drinking and decided to sneak and drink. Only he wasn't so great at it this time and I knew. At first I felt a little guilty because it was there under his nose, but off and on we are around situations just like that and he has indicated it wasn't an issue for him. So why these times? Honestly I think he drank the other times too and just lied to me. It comes back to if they are going to drink, they will make any excuse to do it.

Perhaps if he is taking sobriety seriously and requests to not have alcohol around the house I think it is a good thing to support that. BUT you can't change the rest of the world.

When I was pg with our last child I had gestational diabetes... AH would make himself a nice big bowl of ice cream and eat it right in front of me. I never demanded to have a sugar free house nor did I get all irritated when others ate things I couldn't have. I knew it was not good for me or my baby so I did what I had to do. Not an addiction but I think you see my point. Sugar is everywhere and it was up to me to do the right thing.

Hugs to you. I hope your day is better than yesterday.
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Old 03-28-2011, 09:05 AM
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Yesterday was my daughters 4th Birthday Party we had lots of family and friends over and a great time all around. This was the first official gathering of the season, in my circle of friends and my family as well we get together and have lots of BBQ's and Parties all summer (we all have kids and they are all great friends).... I consider it SOCIALIZING and I admit I do like to enjoy a few beers with my sisters and friends (I am 21 I can) so I did I had a beer, then AH decided to go to the store to get MORE. (see where I am going with this?)
When I read the 1st line I knew where this was headed and yet still found myself reading it and saying to myself "I can't believe someone else's kids' parties turn into the same debacle as mine..." and "I can't believe AH's are soooo predictable and say the same things to us"...

Seriously, what you describe (your AH being angry - not that you had a beer or talked to your friends - but what he was really angry about I bet is that you had fun, you were happy, you weren't worrying about him, he wasn't the focus of attention etc... The things he accused you of are identical to the lines I've had thrown at me at every bday, holiday, event for years by my AH. If my attention IS on him, he ignores me and tries his best to be mean. If I leave him alone and enjoy myself he is irate and I pay for it later. I am just sitting here shaking my head, astounded at the similarities...

You did NOTHING wrong at all. You could have been outside with your friends for an hour or had 3 beers and that would be fine... Your AH is miserable as a person, unhappy, angry at the world and you are an easy target bc you are around (not bc you do a thign wrong). If you'd not gone outside with your friends and not had a beer then you wouldve been told you were a kiljoy or didn't socialize enough. There is no winning and no right way to behave with an A bc there will always be something wrong with you for as long as they are unwilling/unable to see what is wrong with them...

So the 3 hour party was over and AH instantly starts in on me and this is what he said... "This was a party for our daughter, not a socializing event for you and your girl friends. You and All your girls hanging on the porch laughing" I do not need to defend my self, but I am going to.... I spent the entire morning cleaning my house, decorating, shopping bathing & dressing 4 kids for the party. I sat on the floor with my daughter while she opened her gifts, I opened the cake, sang Happy Birthday, I cut and served the cake, I cleaned up the mess! Once my daughter and all the other kids were playing quietly with her new toys My frieds and I went outside to chat for a whole 10 minutes. I do not know what this bothered him, why he got upset with me "LAUGHING" with my friends for 10 minutes and unwinding?
If it makes you feel at all better, I just want to relay to you that this identical scene played out 2 weeks ago at my D's 3rd bday... Identical.

He called me a few minutes later and said he was too drunk to drive and wanted me to give him a ride to a motel. I told him I didnt want to be near him and I had kids that needed to go to bed. He came back to the house and tried to break down the door, I kept the kids entertained and moving along with our nightly routine as if he were not outside.
I'm not saying what to do, but maybe calling the police would be a safe thing next time? #1. he is drunk and driving and if he harmed someone else, you could actually be partly responsible (at least it seems that way from the stories you hear about bars being sued when they let someone leave knowing they are driving and drunk) and #2. he was really violent -- smashing your phone... trying to break down the door etc... that just sounds scary...

Today he is all apologies, and sooooo in love with me. I am empty inside, I have no emotion left for this man.
I know the feeling... I am sorry you feel so empty... It's a lonely,sad feeling...

He said it was all my fault for having a beer first! And they may have been wrong of me, but why should I stop living my life and why should I expect my guests to change thier normal behavior. I know that I can drink socially and have a great time with my friends. Its not like he was trying to get sober at all?
Of course he will say it's your fault... if not, he'd have to see it was his choice to drink, his choice to go to the store to buy more beer (I'm guessing he's ignoring this fact!) and blame himself. Much easier to blame you. And in his mind he really truly believes what he is spewing which is what makes this disease so insane... The blame and accusations they put on us make NO logical sense but for years I've gotten sucked in and done just like you and said "well, maybe it wasn't the best thing that I did or said x, y, z"...

Do not let his insanity make you think for a second that you did anything wrong. You and your friends and family can drink responsibly and the rest of the world does not have to change bc your AH can't. If he were actively trying to recover and said he thought being around alcohol would be too tough, maybe you could have talked about that-- but he's not doing that it sounds like AND he WANTED to drink and did so knowing that he'd play the blame card later to justify whatever b.s. he pulled.

I'm so sorry your D's bday ended with this as the focus for you-- I've had too many holidays and what should have been joyous occassions for the family ruined bc of these types of interactions and one of the things I've looked fwd to since my AH left is seeing what holidays and bdays can be like now...

Hang in there!
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Old 03-28-2011, 09:15 AM
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I can relate - used to have similar situations happen at my house. Always the same old scenario, too. I do wish they'd get a little more creative, this kind of BS seems so old and boring these days...

Good for you for detaching as best you could, but scary, don't you think? I mean, this guy got destructive with your phone, what could be next? Aren't you a little worried with kids in the house?
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Old 03-28-2011, 09:18 AM
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StongEnuf...what's your next move? Ignoring the raging drunk trying to break down your door can only go so far. I second Tuffgirl's concern: what about your children? I wonder if it isn't time to make a non-emergency call to the police and ask for their advice about handling situations such as what happened after your daughter's birthday.
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Old 03-28-2011, 10:16 AM
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Thank you all for confirming that I am not crazy or responsible for his actions. I really do get confused sometimes, even when I know whats right and whats not, the manipulitive words get stuck in my thaught process.

He is not in recovery and has no intentions in being in recovery, so having a dry house was never brought up to the table. I need to live my life, and I know I drink responsibly. I know my friends and family drink responsibly. And I know that most "normal" people enjoy a casual drink or two with friends, having a dry party just sounds so stuffy to me. I am a social person, and I love my friends and love to laugh and have a good time with them. We have gone the dry party route on occasion and the atmosphere that it creates leaves everyone walking on egg shells and feeling uncomfortable.



Here is the Codie in me speaking.... I can not call the police because I know he will do atleast 18 months if he gets another Domestic charge against him. For me, I feel like that would be punishing my children for his actions...They deserve to have dad in thier life. But I also deserve to feel safe and happy.

It was scary, I do not like being scared. My children witnessed most of it, although I tried so hard to aim thier attention elsewhere. This is what I am scared of most. I do not want my children to witness the fighting, with DSS already involved I am scared.
I considered getting a restraining order against him, but again the Codie in my rears her head "but where will he go? He is unemployed, we are broke". He is expected to start working this week, and I am trying to make it clear to him that once he gets his first check he needs to go.
I do not think its working, he keeps texting me about dinner plans? And working out after work "as a family".
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Old 03-28-2011, 10:37 AM
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YOU WROTE:They deserve to have dad in thier life

My thoughts are, A DRUNK DAD???...Maybe buy them a puppy instead...

YOU WROTE: he will do atleast 18 months if he gets another Domestic charge against him. For me, I feel like that would be punishing my children for his actions...

My thoughts are, ANOTHER CHARGE??? ...Call for Help NOW!!!

YOU WROTE: Punishing your children??
Think of what it is doing to them MENTALLY..
Do the kids deserve to live like that, Do they deserve to see that, Do they
love daddy, of course they do, but NOT the drunk daddy. He is the only one
who can change that!

BUT "YOU" are the only one who can change what the kids
see and learn today...

Hope you do the right thing for yourself and the kids & their mental health!

There are alot of programs out there, to help you. You just have to ask!!
You have to open up to your friends/family and be honest with the problem.
If your like alot of us, we have never told anyone that this is going on,
so no one is going to offer help when they think our home is just fine.

Alanon, Domestic Abuse Hotline, Crisis Centers, The list goes on!

ASK FOR HELP!!!!!!

Im sure your kids are asking for help too, but they just dont know how too...
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Old 03-28-2011, 10:43 AM
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Your punishing your children for letting them live with the violence. What is more important HIS wellbeing or the wellbeing of your kids? -Sorry for being so blunt

I just made that choice to protect my kids and while it wasn't easy to be in the same court room as him and not change my mind on the order of protection and it's hard not to fall into the "poor him, where will he stay,etc" I thought of my kids instead of him..he is a big boy he will survive.

Please get you and your children safe.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:06 AM
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Thank you for your brutal honesty BobbyJ and LS2..... I know what I need to do I just need the strength to do it, and to figure out how to follow thru.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:13 AM
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I STRONGLY agree with BobbyJ and LS2.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:45 AM
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Children learn what they live. I am the product of an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. My father was sometimes violent. I grew up and married an alcoholic. So did my sister. My brother did time for domestic abuse, nearly killed his wife. We all learned what we grew up with.

That is what your children are learning now. Is that what you want for them?

L
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:15 PM
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Again, I know that the financial aspect plays a part in what's holding you back...this is why it would be useful to speak with an abuse counsellor and see what they suggest. I don't know if you have access to a social worker, but they often have their ears to the ground regarding what support programs exist out there for stay-at-home-parents.

There ARE options out there. It's just a question of deciding that what's available is better for your children than learning that human relationships are about violence and addiction...
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Old 03-28-2011, 04:29 PM
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He smashed your property, tried to break down your door, threatened to smash the car, and drove drunk.

PLEASE consider getting a restraining order, even if you don't want to file a complaint for his criminal actions yesterday.

You and your children deserve to be able to live in peace without threats, smashing stuff, yelling, doors being pounded down... Can you imagine what kind of memories are being created in your children right now? Every kid deserves a safe and peaceful home. They need that a lot more than they need their drunken, abusive dad around them.

Please take some steps to protect them--and yourself.
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