Yesterday was my daughters 4th Birthday Party we had lots of family and friends over and a great time all around. This was the first official gathering of the season, in my circle of friends and my family as well we get together and have lots of BBQ's and Parties all summer (we all have kids and they are all great friends).... I consider it SOCIALIZING and I admit I do like to enjoy a few beers with my sisters and friends (I am 21 I can) so I did I had a beer, then AH decided to go to the store to get MORE. (see where I am going with this?)
When I read the 1st line I knew where this was headed and yet still found myself reading it and saying to myself "I can't believe someone else's kids' parties turn into the same debacle as mine..." and "I can't believe AH's are soooo predictable and say the same things to us"...
Seriously, what you describe (your AH being angry - not that you had a beer or talked to your friends - but what he was really angry about I bet is that you had fun, you were happy, you weren't worrying about him, he wasn't the focus of attention etc... The things he accused you of are identical to the lines I've had thrown at me at every bday, holiday, event for years by my AH. If my attention IS on him, he ignores me and tries his best to be mean. If I leave him alone and enjoy myself he is irate and I pay for it later. I am just sitting here shaking my head, astounded at the similarities...
You did NOTHING wrong at all. You could have been outside with your friends for an hour or had 3 beers and that would be fine... Your AH is miserable as a person, unhappy, angry at the world and you are an easy target bc you are around (not bc you do a thign wrong). If you'd not gone outside with your friends and not had a beer then you wouldve been told you were a kiljoy or didn't socialize enough. There is no winning and no right way to behave with an A bc there will always be something wrong with you for as long as they are unwilling/unable to see what is wrong with them...
So the 3 hour party was over and AH instantly starts in on me and this is what he said... "This was a party for our daughter, not a socializing event for you and your girl friends. You and All your girls hanging on the porch laughing" I do not need to defend my self, but I am going to.... I spent the entire morning cleaning my house, decorating, shopping bathing & dressing 4 kids for the party. I sat on the floor with my daughter while she opened her gifts, I opened the cake, sang Happy Birthday, I cut and served the cake, I cleaned up the mess! Once my daughter and all the other kids were playing quietly with her new toys My frieds and I went outside to chat for a whole 10 minutes. I do not know what this bothered him, why he got upset with me "LAUGHING" with my friends for 10 minutes and unwinding?
If it makes you feel at all better, I just want to relay to you that this identical scene played out 2 weeks ago at my D's 3rd bday... Identical.
He called me a few minutes later and said he was too drunk to drive and wanted me to give him a ride to a motel. I told him I didnt want to be near him and I had kids that needed to go to bed. He came back to the house and tried to break down the door, I kept the kids entertained and moving along with our nightly routine as if he were not outside.
I'm not saying what to do, but maybe calling the police would be a safe thing next time? #1. he is drunk and driving and if he harmed someone else, you could actually be partly responsible (at least it seems that way from the stories you hear about bars being sued when they let someone leave knowing they are driving and drunk) and #2. he was really violent -- smashing your phone... trying to break down the door etc... that just sounds scary...
Today he is all apologies, and sooooo in love with me. I am empty inside, I have no emotion left for this man.
I know the feeling... I am sorry you feel so empty... It's a lonely,sad feeling...
He said it was all my fault for having a beer first! And they may have been wrong of me, but why should I stop living my life and why should I expect my guests to change thier normal behavior. I know that I can drink socially and have a great time with my friends. Its not like he was trying to get sober at all?
Of course he will say it's your fault... if not, he'd have to see it was his choice to drink, his choice to go to the store to buy more beer (I'm guessing he's ignoring this fact!) and blame himself. Much easier to blame you. And in his mind he really truly believes what he is spewing which is what makes this disease so insane... The blame and accusations they put on us make NO logical sense but for years I've gotten sucked in and done just like you and said "well, maybe it wasn't the best thing that I did or said x, y, z"...
Do not let his insanity make you think for a second that you did anything wrong. You and your friends and family can drink responsibly and the rest of the world does not have to change bc your AH can't. If he were actively trying to recover and said he thought being around alcohol would be too tough, maybe you could have talked about that-- but he's not doing that it sounds like AND he WANTED to drink and did so knowing that he'd play the blame card later to justify whatever b.s. he pulled.
I'm so sorry your D's bday ended with this as the focus for you-- I've had too many holidays and what should have been joyous occassions for the family ruined bc of these types of interactions and one of the things I've looked fwd to since my AH left is seeing what holidays and bdays can be like now...
Hang in there!
