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He's upped the ante. I knew he would.

Old 02-17-2011, 09:53 AM
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He's upped the ante. I knew he would.

I guess telling me he's leaving me wasn't enough.
Recap:
I started Alnon. He was fine until he realized it wasn't all about him but about ME.
He now says he's thinking of quitting AA.
QUACK.
I knew he would have to go big ...and he did.

I mean if I wasn't giving him what he expected when he said he was leaving me...he would HAVE to.

But I did not react.

I followed my Alnon detachment instructions and told him it was his decision to make.
It wasn't my business.
He is sooooo not happy with that.

I just decided that I WANT what my alnon group has. Even people still living w/ their A have happy fulfilled lives...and I WANT that.
No I don't want to live w/ an A spouse. and that is MY boundary.
But the fact that it's POSSIBLE to do so...and not be pulled in to the drama and chaos..wow. I REALLY want that!
so I'm going to do what I'm told to do, follow my program and I know I'll be a better person for it.

no matter what he decides that's on him. he won't be living here w/ me anyway so why should I care?

I'm okay either way. My kids are fine either way (you can be assured there will be a clause about drinking in the presence of the kids or w/in so many hours of a visitation to protect them in the divorce papers).

this is all about him...as always. I'm just going to do what I'm doing because it's working for me. I feel better. I actually do feel bad for him. But not in a guilty way, but in a "omg he has no idea what he's losing" way.
Oh well.
Like someone mentioned in another post... I do feel like I've won the lottery...all I have to do is wait til Aug to claim my prize..a new life w/o him and all his drama and trauma.

But...of course...I need to think what his next move will be...so I don't react.
I figure it will be something to do w/ the kids...that's the only thing that I really care about that he will still affect.
but ... whatever. I'm ready. I just keep telling myself "respond, do not react." over and over before i get the phone or when I hear the car in the drive. It really works!

ty everyone for being so supportive. I really needed the encouragement and strength you've shared and want you all to know that I really do appreciate every word of wisdom you've given me. so a big hug to everyone.
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:00 AM
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I suggest not worrying about what he will do next. They are unpredictable. I understand wanting to have some foresight to minimize an over reaction. However I think it an impossible task.

Instead, perhaps work on reaction strategies. Think about how you can teach yourself to NOT over react. To think about what he said, and then think through your reply before you say it. Most of us tend to "wait to talk" vs "listen".

You are probably on the right path with regard to the kids. That is the most likely target area. But figuring out exactly what is tough. They don't think rationally. And you can bet he's probably drinking, regardless what he says.

Here's a thought. Try to get him to communicate via email with you more. Gives you a chance to listen to him when your are ready, and compose your reply, read it, edit it, think about it for a few hours, go back and edit again, then send.
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
I need to think what his next move will be...so I don't react.
Do what you need to do so that you can maintain your serenity - absolutely.
The trick, though, is that you don't need to guess anything about what he's about to do.

Kassie made a great point to me this week...
In my thread about XABF appearing on Valentine's Day, his car sitting in my parking lot, I commented that "I should have expected today would be the day. He has never been one to forget Valentine's Day."
Kassie's reply made me think about a lot of things:

Originally Posted by Kassie2 View Post
And of course remind yourself that any normal person would not expect anything for Val Day if you weren't having any contact.
A's don't act normal. You can't really "figure out" what they're about to do. You can guess, he has been in your life long enough for you to have an idea, but you cannot extrapolate the future because they do not act rationally. They are not normal, and spending more than five minutes trying to "figure out" what they're going to do is time better spent thinking about you.
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:25 AM
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You guys are right!
I'm not going to waste my time worrying about it or trying to figure out what he's going to do next.
Whatever it is...I can handle it.
My standard "do what you think is right" response is good enough for most all situations.
and lets me walk away w/ grace.

Thank you for the reminders!!!!
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:46 AM
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But I did not react.

I followed my Alnon detachment instructions and told him it was his decision to make.
It wasn't my business.
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:07 AM
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He's going to leave. He's going to quit AA. Wow he's throwing the kitchen sink at this.

Stay strong gf. Do what you have to do to be ok. What he does is his thing and is no reflection on you. 'You do what you think is right' is the perfect response to someone who throws a whole heap of doo-doo at you and expects you to take responsibility. His options, his choice, his decision... yours is yours.

Tx
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
My standard "do what you think is right" response is good enough for most all situations and lets me walk away w/ grace.
I love this! Well said. Am copying it down for the next situation I find myself in - with anyone for that matter - not just my RAH. Just reading it put this way gives me a little sense of freedom from carrying everyone else's stuff on my back.

Thanks!
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Old 02-17-2011, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
I followed my Alnon detachment instructions and told him it was his decision to make.
It wasn't my business.
He is sooooo not happy with that.
My ABF still has issues with me going to Al-Anon after three years. I don't let what he thinks get in my way-I go to my meetings and in fact, am doing service work.

Al-Anon was the subject of some of our most vocal fights. At one point, he made me choose between him and A-Anon. I chose Al-Anon. I detached, I stopped reacting and he stopped drinking. The fights and arguments lessened as I stopped getting caught up in his stuff.

Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
I just decided that I WANT what my alnon group has. Even people still living w/ their A have happy fulfilled lives...and I WANT that.
No I don't want to live w/ an A spouse. and that is MY boundary.
But the fact that it's POSSIBLE to do so...and not be pulled in to the drama and chaos..wow. I REALLY want that!
so I'm going to do what I'm told to do, follow my program and I know I'll be a better person for it.
My group, sponsor, CAL literature and SR help me immensely. Today, while we no longer live together, we are together and functioning as a a couple. It's not perfect but it's not the chaos of what we had before. It's good for both of us and while there's always the gorilla in the room, I don't let that stop me from living my life.

Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
I just keep telling myself "respond, do not react." over and over before i get the phone or when I hear the car in the drive. It really works!
When we are on the phone and things get stressful, I take a deep breath, count to 10 to keep me from lashing out. It works with ABF and others in my life who get a little crazy.

I have used "Do what you think is right" in a lot of situations and it works.
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Old 02-17-2011, 03:40 PM
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You are doing awesome Blowin'!!!

Way to practice the principles in all of your affairs! I don't have one reason to "Good God..." you, or to "For the Love of Christ..." you!

Well done Lady!

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Old 02-17-2011, 03:51 PM
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pure manipulation: i'll quit AA if you continue on this path.

for myself, i want a partner who supports my healthy habits...not one that threatens me. imagine that.

if he really wanted recovery, wild horses couldn't keep him from AA.
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Old 02-17-2011, 04:14 PM
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Oh I agree, Naive.
But he's falling apart fast. I don't think 6 mos will make him stronger or better but worse, he acts like and has said how stressful this is.
But HE DID IT.
He can hardly be upset when he's the one who said I don't love you anymore and I'm leaving in August. I would have hung in there, worked through it. Just like always...
but well....
to hell w/ him.
I don't want someone who doesn't think they love me...I figure if you even have to think about it ...you don't.
I am finding my strength daily. I'm working hard to let go of my reoccuring anger and just moving on to what needs done.
I'm thinking that knowing I'm going to be okay if not BETTER for this happening is what is making me cope with it well.
Reading the stories here reassures me that I'm not doing anything wrong...I'm taking the oppty he gave me and using it for a better life. I don't care what he thinks.
Kinda sad. But I really am to that point.
Still having a hard time not calling him on his lunch or work breaks...but I need to break that habit because it is not good for me. It keeps me attached and I don't want that. If he wants to call me he can but I'm not making decisions for him or telling what he needs/should/could do about anything.
It is lonely.
I decided that rather than sit around today (off school today) and lay in bed or even study...I would get my butt up. Put on make up, take off my sweats and put on real clothes. I ran a few errands and then went and bought TWO new pairs of shoes!
Ok they werern't like "oh neiman's shoes" but payless shoes...but their MINE, they are for ME. I also went and replenished a few makeup supplies that I ran out of awhile ago. I needed them. I shouldn't feel guilty about buying them when he eats out all the time and wastes money like crazy.
I feel good. Did something for ME.
Thinking about ....going for a pedicure this weekend!
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Old 02-17-2011, 04:23 PM
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Thinking about ....going for a pedicure this weekend!


what will blwninthewind think of next to do for herself?
keep reading!
fantastic for you and good on the shoes.

Beth
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Old 02-17-2011, 05:19 PM
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You're doing great blowin!

You are gonna be SOOO glad one of these days that you are doing what you're doing right now.
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Old 02-17-2011, 08:43 PM
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You ARE a quick study!! Good job!!!

Pedicure.....and a facial!!!
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Old 02-18-2011, 01:51 PM
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Baby steps! Good for you and the changes will stick if you do them slowly and often. I think your progress is amazing. Be proud of yourself.

Peace,
Jen
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:49 AM
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When I detached at first, my AH would up the ante but when I didn't respond the way he expected - he either up it again or accepted that he couldn't get a response. More often he accepted that he couldn't get a response for the time and used amazingly creative ways to rationalize my reaction.(another stab at trying to get one)

In the beginning I worried about the next thing he would pull and did what I could to protect what I could and let go of the rest. You cannot control, change or cure his problem. But you are finding out that you can control, change and heal yours. Slowly but it gets done.

I want to say "horray!" for getting to alanon. Keep reading, posting and using the support.
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Old 02-19-2011, 07:45 PM
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We sat and had a decent conversation today. First time in a while.
I think he understands better now why I'm avoiding spending too much time w/ him or why when he wants to talk I bolt. I can talk if I'm feeling strong...but if I'm wavering on how I feel I'm heading for the door.

I kinda spilled the beans a bit. I explained about his continuing to up the ante...his reaction to that told me wht I needed to know...and that is he has NO IDEA that he's doing it. He had just gotten through talking to me about feeling like he wanted to drink, something he said he hasn't thought about in a long while. All that's left is to actually drink. you can't go any further up than that. It kinda drove my point home to be honest.

I explained how I felt but I didn't sit there and cry about it but told him exactly what I believe. He is too sick, and now is talking about leaving the program that could make him better, which makes no sense to me.... and I'm sick too, but not sick enough to stay when I've seen what my life could be like. Alnon.

I talked about boundaries, and manipulation and how I think I play a part in his A. Not that I can do anything about it...but I do most definitely play a part in it. It felt like he really heard me, for the first time in a very very long time.

He told me he doesn't know what he feels. He felt jealous yesterday when I "dressed up" for school

(ok, note to self: when your husband sees you in old jeans, a tee shirt and no make up and asks why your dressed up you have lost touch, let yourself go and it's time to step it up a bit!).

He doesn't want to lose me. and he won't. I told him so. It's scary, being alone. But that doesn't mean we can or should live together or be together as a couple.
That just is an impossibility while neither of us is able to handle our issues...
If we stayed together...I'd be forfeiting my kids wellbeing. My self respect and I have 100% no doubt we will both be miserable and we'll be right back here a year from now.

I know he is still quacking... and now he knows it too.

I hope he does the right thing and stays w/ his program but I can't make that decision for him.

I really did feel like we made some headway. At least I did. I'm showing my strength which is what I need to do if I'm going to make it through this.
I still feel like I can't let him see me falter, or he's gonna sneak back in there and I can't let that happen. I wish this was easier. I miss my husband.
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