We sat and had a decent conversation today. First time in a while.
I think he understands better now why I'm avoiding spending too much time w/ him or why when he wants to talk I bolt. I can talk if I'm feeling strong...but if I'm wavering on how I feel I'm heading for the door.
I kinda spilled the beans a bit. I explained about his continuing to up the ante...his reaction to that told me wht I needed to know...and that is he has NO IDEA that he's doing it. He had just gotten through talking to me about feeling like he wanted to drink, something he said he hasn't thought about in a long while. All that's left is to actually drink. you can't go any further up than that. It kinda drove my point home to be honest.
I explained how I felt but I didn't sit there and cry about it but told him exactly what I believe. He is too sick, and now is talking about leaving the program that could make him better, which makes no sense to me.... and I'm sick too, but not sick enough to stay when I've seen what my life could be like. Alnon.
I talked about boundaries, and manipulation and how I think I play a part in his A. Not that I can do anything about it...but I do most definitely play a part in it. It felt like he really heard me, for the first time in a very very long time.
He told me he doesn't know what he feels. He felt jealous yesterday when I "dressed up" for school
(ok, note to self: when your husband sees you in old jeans, a tee shirt and no make up and asks why your dressed up you have lost touch, let yourself go and it's time to step it up a bit!).
He doesn't want to lose me. and he won't. I told him so. It's scary, being alone. But that doesn't mean we can or should live together or be together as a couple.
That just is an impossibility while neither of us is able to handle our issues...
If we stayed together...I'd be forfeiting my kids wellbeing. My self respect and I have 100% no doubt we will both be miserable and we'll be right back here a year from now.
I know he is still quacking... and now
he knows it too.
I hope he does the right thing and stays w/ his program but I can't make that decision for him.
I really did feel like we made some headway. At least I did. I'm showing my strength which is what I need to do if I'm going to make it through this.
I still feel like I can't let him see me falter, or he's gonna sneak back in there and I can't let that happen. I wish this was easier. I miss my husband.
