When I detached at first, my AH would up the ante but when I didn't respond the way he expected - he either up it again or accepted that he couldn't get a response. More often he accepted that he couldn't get a response for the time and used amazingly creative ways to rationalize my reaction.(another stab at trying to get one)
In the beginning I worried about the next thing he would pull and did what I could to protect what I could and let go of the rest. You cannot control, change or cure his problem. But you are finding out that you can control, change and heal yours. Slowly but it gets done.
I want to say "horray!" for getting to alanon. Keep reading, posting and using the support.