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What do you do?? SPANK THEM??

Old 02-09-2011, 09:21 PM
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Angry What do you do?? SPANK THEM??

Some of you might remember my last post. MRS.VERY ANGRY,was my mood set....

AH made it home from his 28 rehab. I have debated on wheter to pack up and leave before he got home or ride it out, and see if a miracles happens!

Well, here I am...still in the same house with him...Giving the 1st week a try. Not feeling much better to say the least.

While he was drinking, he made bad choices with my kids and would text them mean things. I told him in rehab, that they were MY KIDS, not his.
(He is stepdad) and to leave them alone, he has done SO MUCH damage to
them.
Sunday, I reassured my boundaries with him. Dont call, text, or write my kids!! He said, okay...This is around 8am. It was in a nice conversation over coffee.

Sunday night my son calls and tells me he got 2 text from him around 4pm.
1 was a picture of our pet and 1 was confirming who he wanted to win the superbowl.

I confronted him on it tonight. He said he only sent 1 text and it was to a entire group of people, not just one. (I replied: Then you should have un-checked his name)

I confronted him on the pet picture. He said, Damn it was only of the pet.
(I replied: I told you NO texting, NO phone calls, NO letters, WHAT PART DONT YOU UNDERSTAND???)

I told him he needs to go back to his counselor and learn, what NO means and learn what the word DAMAGE means

SO...My question is: Now that he crossed my boundaries, what do I do, SPANK HIM?? ....It's done and over with now...

Did I do something wrong????
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Old 02-09-2011, 11:25 PM
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XAH doesn't seem to understand the concept of no contact either, and ours is ordered by the court.

It helps me to think of boundaries as being for me. I will not accept that behavior. If it happens, I will do this.
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Old 02-10-2011, 02:22 AM
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Hi BobbyJ,

You sound in your post, fractious! Remember in all this to look after yourself.

Sorry, I have no words of wisdom as such but will definitely follow this thread as I'm interested about what you could do.

Alcoholics act like children most of the time, but you are right, you cant stop their pocket money or take their mobile phones from them like you could with a child.

Boundaries are usually about walking away, not reacting or leaving, but what you have said to your husband sounds clear enough to me, perhaps he is 'testing' you. The only thing I can think of is that it is a 'weak' boundary. (one you cant enforce) Sorry I cant help more!
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:26 AM
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If he's contacting them through their cell phone, they can call their cell phone provider and have his number blocked. This would prohibit his number from messaging them in ANY way, shape, or form.

My provider lets me block up to 5 numbers at a time for free, or up to 20 (I can add caller-ID blocked ones as 1 of my "numbers") for $5/mo. They default timeframe is 90 days from the day I put the number on my block list, but (1) it's easy to renew that timeframe, and (2) after 90 days most people get the message. (For the $5 it's "forever" - or until I take the number off the list.)
I have XABF's cell phone, work phone, and home phone blocked, as well as his daughter's cell phone. When he was in rehab, since their number was blocked, I paid the $5 to add that in, too.
I firmly believe it's the main reason he's been keeping the "no contact," since he's afraid to call my work phone. (The psychologist at work made it clear that he'd have to report XABF for sexual harassment if he tried to contact me at work - we work at the same place.)

Alcoholics have no concept of boundaries.
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:45 AM
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You know what...I'm starting to think the title of your thread is the answer.

He can't respect your boundaries, so give him a spanking. I would love to see his face.
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Old 02-10-2011, 07:28 AM
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You could retitle your post, "How do I get him to change/get it?"
But it is not our job to get them to change.
As I have heard on this board before - Sobering up a jerk still leaves you with a jerk.
I don't know that your husband is a jerk.
But, it appears he isn't listening.
I have heard that it can take alot of time for a RA to deal with more than the alcohol issue. Some, eventually, change other behaviors, too.
The question for you is are you willing to wait?
What is acceptable? What is not?
How long can you wait?
Make those decisions for you and he will fall in or out of that circle.
Once you make the decisions for you, you can stop hoping and waiting and getting angry.
You can accept he is who he is right now and that's it.
He may or may not change.

Look to you and finding peace for you.
Hugs
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:32 AM
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OK, so here's my take on this:
When he violates your boundaries, he shows that he doesn't respect you.
Don't get angry, think. What does that mean?

It sounds to me like he knows you're pretty much done -- and that he's trying to keep a "hook" in you by staying in touch with the kids. I think reaffirming your boundary like you did is a good thing. But I also think blocking his number would be a good thing.
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Old 02-10-2011, 10:42 AM
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I think I would have a really hard time giving someone another 'chance' that I had to protect my children from.

I hope they either change their numbers, or block his.

I hope you find some clarity in what you want for your life.
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Old 02-10-2011, 12:12 PM
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Boundaries vs Ultimatums

Since no one else has addresed this, I guess I will. Ultimatums are when we try to force others' behaviors, and they rarely, if ever, work. Boundaries are when we state what behaviors WE will accept, and those that WE won't, and what OUR actions will be if said boundaries are crossed.....

What you wrote here is a perfect example of an ultimatum, and we can see how that worked...........:
"...I reassured my boundaries with him. Dont call, text, or write my kids!! He said, okay..."

Now, I'm not the best person when it comes to setting boundaries, but I'll give this a go.....

In the example given, it may be better if you get together with your son, and decide what he will want to do if your 'AH' attempts to, or actually does, contact him.....in other words, something like this..........:

"Son does not want any contact with/from you (AH). If you call, text, call, or write son, son will not respond, will hang up calls, will not respond to texts or e-mails, will delete e-mails and texts, and finally, son will put you on 'ignore' and block you numbers....." <-------something like this.....

In your post, you wrote.....: "...My question is: Now that he crossed my boundaries, what do I do, SPANK HIM??...Did I do something wrong????..."

So, OK, BobbyJ, we do not order other's actions, but we do order our own actions/reactions/responses..... Does this seem like a workable/doable action/reaction/response for you (and your son).....?


(o:
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:49 PM
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Thanks for shedding light on this, Noelle.

Bobby, I don't know the history, but apparently your husband has been abusive to your children?

Although you told him to not do something and he did not respect that (it smells to me that disrespect is cutting both ways here) I can't help but wonder why you gave him an order like that....just seems kinda weird.

If he has just gotten out of rehab, do you guys not think that some "clean slate" behaviors might be a good idea?

I'm challenging you because I see a pretty hostile environment over there.
What can you do about your anger?
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:58 PM
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My thought is this.
Where are the kids boundaries on being texted by him?
If they are ok with it (given they aren't minors or are near to legal adulthood) then who is it truly bothering?
If it bothers them, then they need to understand how to enforce their own boundaries, which includes not ever answering his texts, or blocking his numbers.
If they are minors, this is the parent's decision.
If they are adults or nearly so, and they are ok with it, why does it bother you?
Lastly, if there has been any child abuse, then you are right to take action, and enforce it strictly, in whatever way necessary.
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:17 PM
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He has been verbally abusive to me & my kids. They are both young adults & moved away. But in the past, has got drunk, texted & called my daughter with very vulgar name calling. And recently did the same with my son. They dont respond to his behavior, but it just upsets me, that he continues to do so, even after I ask him a million times to stop. It takes all respect from me as the mom and as a person.
My kids are my everything...I have always protected them, like a normal mom, but
over protect them from his alcoholic ways..Indeed, Im tired...

In the past, he took my daughter to a tavern, when she was only 17, the family has since then gone down hill.

I lost all of his trust, daughter has since then turned around and disowned me, son wont come home anymore...Due to his bad judgement calls as a STEP PARENT!!!. It has damaged the entire family. Yes, im a bit mad!

I can forgive once, but twice with my children involved is a bit for me to swallow.

I guess its a real trust issue going on is why I snapped. I was extremely clear over and over on my boundaries and I might as well have been talking to the dog.
I guess, I EXPECTED, more from him once he got clean & sober...

Patience is what they say....If someone finds mine, please contact me..
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Old 02-11-2011, 04:05 AM
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Hi BobbyJ This post really tugged at me because I am in a very similar position as you, only they are our children. (AH and I) Our daughters are 20 and 23yrs old.

My eldest daughter lives in the UK (from 17yrs) and generally hasn't been exposed to some of her dads more obnoxious behaviors but my youngest daughter has. AH has been abusive to my youngest and made her feel extremely uncomfortable living at her own home. She moved out last year when she could take no more.

My biggest regret is that I said to her that we would both move out and find somewhere together as I had enough of him too. I ended up talking myself out of leaving and stayed and she eventually left and I feel really sorry that I couldn't put her before her dad. It still breaks my heart. She said at the time that I should leave and didn't know how I could put up with him although she actually gets on with him much better now she has distance. I tell her that I know that I am not normal! and I am working on it.

I can forgive once, but twice with my children involved is a bit for me to swallow.
During my counseling last week, I explained how upset/hurt I was about some things my AH was saying to me about our daughters and how I find it it hard to move past that. I dont like hearing ugly negative things that I dont agree with being said about them and particularly from their dad. She said 'that's because your daughters are important to you, and important things matter' she also said that 'you are important and you should matter too'. That gave me a lot to think about.

Patience is what they say...
I am not too sure its patience we need when dealing with alcoholics; its love for ourselves and the balls and voice to shout! 'I will not put up with this any longer'

I have been a good mum in all other areas, I know my girls love me, but I feel as though I have let them down by continuing to stay with my AH despite of all the damaging stuff he has done to me, our daughters and our marriage over the years.
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:18 AM
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bobby,

have you considered some counseling? for you individually, and both as a couple? there's a lot of history, a ton of it bad, and that's a huge hurdle to get over. willingness, openness & honesty, and patience is key....probably the willingness being the biggest right now (in my humble opinion)
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:11 PM
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I'm going back to my old standby.

MANIPULATION

You told him what you expected from him, he agreed and now he's jumped over that line in the sand...why?
because he NEEDS a REACTION from you.

it's all he has left to keep you actively involved in HIS drama.

block the number. we know he shouldn't call, he knows he shouldn't call but his disease thrives on the reaction he gets when he does...it's all about HIM again.
Keep in mind he is an A. He can't keep his word. His word means NOTHING to him even if it means something to you.
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:31 AM
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Bobbie, with all due respect and please take this the right way, but please look into why in the world you are with this man at all? There is a big, big problem here, and I don't think it's his. I think it's yours.

Bless you,

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Old 02-15-2011, 10:03 AM
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He has been verbally abusive to me & my kids. They are both young adults & moved away. But in the past, has got drunk, texted & called my daughter with very vulgar name calling. And recently did the same with my son. They dont respond to his behavior, but it just upsets me, that he continues to do so, even after I ask him a million times to stop.
Your children dont respond to his behavior?

I lost all of his trust, daughter has since then turned around and disowned me, son wont come home anymore...Due to his bad judgement calls as a STEP PARENT!!!. It has damaged the entire family. Yes, im a bit mad!
I think they have responded to his behavior. They left.

Bobby,
I hope for your sake you get some recovery for yourself.
Watching my husband did not help me, it fed into my resentment of him.
And I had built up quite a wall of resentments.
It appears from your posts that your husband has been abusive to your children.
Please go let the children go no contact with him.
Something to consider for their peace of mind and comfort.

Beth

okay, i forgot to add your question "what do you do? spank them?" is odd to me.
i assume your husband is a grown man, are you treating him like a child?
a spoiled child?
if you continue to infantilize your AH, he will continue to behave like a child.
my MIL supported my ex's drug addiction until she died.
when she died, he owed her thousands of dollars in little loans made while he lived with her,
rent free.
if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Last edited by wicked; 02-15-2011 at 10:08 AM. Reason: to add a comment
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:40 AM
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Thanks Everyone for all of the great advice..
I have been attending classes & have been reading alot!!!!
I feel that sometimes my head gets so mixed up, I cant even mentally digest any of the information that is right smack in front of me!!!!!!!!!

Daughter: Yes, it kills me inside, losing her. I feel like I walk with 1/2 of a leg in life without her in my life. It's so empty feeling. I get so lost with all of those feelings.
More like grieving I would say.
Problem: I blame the Recovering AH, for taking her to the bar when she was only 17 and having to more her out of this small community. I blame myself, over and over, for not handling the situation differently at that time.
I blame myself for over protecting & smoothering her for years, trying to protect her from AH verbal abuse.
SOLUTION: Im trying to let go of blame for myself...Makes me so sad
SOUTION: Forgive Recovering AH....I try...but it HAUNTS me day & night!!!

PROBLEM:
1. Recovering AH, keeps on saying that was in my past, wish I could change it.
(A) As of today, I dont trust him. He has only been sober for 1 month & a couple of days
(B) As of today, He keeps on telling me to be patient with him, he is working on his program. He goes to meetings almost every night & afternoons.

PROBLEM:
2. When he is not drinking, you really couldnt ask for a nicer husband
(A) As of today, I keep thinking Im living in a fantasy land...Like did all of that really happen to me??
(B) As of today, I remember how he turned into a monster when he was drinking &
how many years of great memories with my kids, he ruined for me

PROBLEM::::
Does everyone ever get that trust, love, respect back...Just because they quit drinking????????
Does everyone really learn to totally trust them again????...Just because you attend alanon and the AH spent $10 grand on rehab?
Does your head ever quit swimming in circles????

Im a baby into the alanon recovery program and I admit I am afraid of my own footsteps
and Im afraid of what my mind/ heart is telling me....
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:49 AM
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Bobby,

I hear how you are grieving about your daughter. I am sorry about that.
You will have to forgive yourself for mistakes, otherwise, it will be hard to move on from here.

Forgiveness is a tough one, first you have to accept the past as it cannot be changed.
I had to remind myself of this over and over.
Then, learn how to do better, and do better.
Do the next right thing.

I understand why you have such little trust in your AH. He is very early in his sobriety, and he must attend those meetings for himself.

Have you found an AlAnon meeting for yourself?
You could focus on you, and learn how to live.

It's a great thing, I recommend it highly.

Beth

PS
I love the way you wrote PROBLEM: then SOLUTION.
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