Hi BobbyJ This post really tugged at me because I am in a very similar position as you, only they are our children. (AH and I) Our daughters are 20 and 23yrs old.
My eldest daughter lives in the UK (from 17yrs) and generally hasn't been exposed to some of her dads more obnoxious behaviors but my youngest daughter has. AH has been abusive to my youngest and made her feel extremely uncomfortable living at her own home. She moved out last year when she could take no more.
My biggest regret is that I said to her that we would both move out and find somewhere together as I had enough of him too. I ended up talking myself out of leaving and stayed and she eventually left and I feel really sorry that I couldn't put her before her dad. It still breaks my heart. She said at the time that I should leave and didn't know how I could put up with him although she actually gets on with him much better now she has distance. I tell her that I know that I am not normal! and I am working on it.
I can forgive once, but twice with my children involved is a bit for me to swallow.
During my counseling last week, I explained how upset/hurt I was about some things my AH was saying to me about our daughters and how I find it it hard to move past that. I dont like hearing ugly negative things that I dont agree with being said about them and particularly from their dad. She said 'that's because your daughters are important to you, and important things matter' she also said that 'you are important and you should matter too'. That gave me a lot to think about.
Patience is what they say...
I am not too sure its patience we need when dealing with alcoholics; its love for ourselves and the balls and voice to shout!
'I will not put up with this any longer'
I have been a good mum in all other areas, I know my girls love me, but I feel as though I have let them down by continuing to stay with my AH despite of all the damaging stuff he has done to me, our daughters and our marriage over the years.