AMarie71

I was here a year ago. My AB and I have been together for 3 years now. I tried many things... He had 3 binges that we both "acknowledge" this past year. Which is a big improvement. I kind of suspect that it was more. He usually is a jerk when he drinks but, he wasn't these times I suspected. And if I did ask him when he wasn't, he would get really mad at me. He's been talking about drinking lately whether its joking or making certain comments. We argued last night and he said he resents me because I don't let him drink. I don't tell him what he can and can't do. I just can't be a part of the drinking. Is this a binge coming or am I that oblivious to the fact? I would appreciate any comments/help/advice. Thanks.

lc1972

All I can tell you is when I see a relapse coming with my husband (DOC herion) I hear some blaming and there will be no patience and frustration about silly things. There is a shifting of his behavior and personality. I can see it coming now days before it happens and I just pull away and leave him to it. I will also tell you I am putting money aside and making plans so that when it is time I will have the means to care for our kids.

Please take care of yourself and I am not sure if you are going to meetings you may want to look into those. I also see a counselor every week along with this site and it helps a lot.

My thoughts and prayers are going out to you

BobbyJ

We argued last night and he said he resents me because I don't let him drink. I don't tell him what he can and can't do. I just can't be a part of the drinking.

BOY OH BOY...Have I heard those words before..GAG!!!
My AH said all of that too. On his last time of saying that to me, he went on a 2 week, SOLID drunk!!! Never ate, Never worked...JUST DRANK himself to almost death.

After his intenstive rehab, he did tell me, he was mad inside at himself, because he knew he couldnt drink just one.....He wanted to stop, but could not inside...

It took me 2 days in the rehab family meetings, with very educational video (doctors studies) and real pictures of the brain on & off of alcohol or drugs, to realize they can not just stop....

I use to say and sometimes still wanna say..It's just a choice, but to the alcoholic, it really isnt...Hate to say it and still struggle believing it. But is has been a proven fact in the medical field.

It did and has helped me to read about the effects on the brain to a A. Pertaining to their front/side/rear lobes of their brain.

Im not saying it is a great excuse for your AB, but hopefully you can see your not alone, on their stupid manlipulation games.....

Educate yourself as much as you can...
Alanon is great help!!!
Read Books & The Scientific Facts Of The Brain On Alcoholics....

And Dont Let Yourself Fall Into Their Pity Trips!!!
(Take A Vacation To A Sandy Beach Instead)

wicked

I agree with you, it only gets worse.

well, there is his "excuse" right there.
i say this in jest, I am a recovering alcoholic, and coming up with reasons to drink is easy, its finding a way to stop and stay stopped that is hard.
ignore the foolish talk, it is not personal, he is convincing himself to drink.
In my opinion only.

Oh, AMarie, I think your gut is telling you what is happening.
You need to decide how much more you are going to live with.
Binging occasionally, blaming you for it?
Binging regularly and getting nastier, meaner and still blaming you?
Or nightly drinking with the DUI's, court dates, jail time, rehabs.

Please go to AlAnon and get some support for yourself.
What he says means nothing until he stops drinking and gets a recovery program.
Actions, not words.

Beth

Thumper

We argued last night and he said he resents me because I don't let him drink.

That is not entirely accurate because he is, indeed, drinking. He might be resentful that he feels like he should not, or that you don't support his decision to drink. The thing is that is his issue to work out now isn't it? What are you supposed to do about his resentment? Ohhh - maybe he is implying that you should be more supportive of his decision to drink or binge. Kind of crazy when you think of it that way isn't it?!

I just can't be a part of the drinking.

That is good to know about yourself. That is like a boundary. It is a good one too. One that is in your best interests. How do you protect and uphold this boundary?

It seems like he wants to drink, and you do not want drinking in your life. A bit of a crossroads.

Al-anon meetings were helpful to me. I also liked the book 'Co dependent No More' and the stickies also helped me out a lot.

Linkmeister

I can spot the onset of ABF's binges about a week before they happen. Along with the blaming, there's anger whether it's about work, about the dog, about the weather, just about anything. Once I know he has started drinking, I leave him to it-the drinking, the detox and the consequences of the binge.

It took me a while to get to this stage - at first, I would be a nervous wreck, stressed to the max but with the help of Al-Anon's literature, meetings and wonderful friends there and the wonderful people here at SR, I have learned to walk away, focus on myself and to act, not react.

This link helped me understand what happens after they stop drinking and how relapses happen.

http://digital-dharma.net/post-acute...r-immediately/

Hugs coming from me to you......

nodaybut2day

Maybe I'm slightly prickly today but I keep wondering why you would accept this type of behaviour in your relationship?

Having been married to an alcoholic/drug user, I'm thoroughly done with blameshifting and crazymaking in all areas of my life. No time or energy for it. Got a 2 year old to raise.

Live

Like noday, maybe I am kind of prickly..but if my last X would have just been honest from the get go about his drinking preferences it would have saved us both alot of grief. He acted like it was no thing to him because he knew I didn't want it around or to deal with it...later he blamed me for him changing his whole lifestyle for me.
If I had known drinking mattered that much to him..we wouldn't even have been dating. he could have drank as much as he wanted and I could have gone on to someone who sincerely wasn't interested in alcohol as an integral part of life. sheesh.

So, I got blamed for his dishonesty! what a crock!

We are divorced. He is now free to drink as much as he likes. And I don't ever have to deal with someone else's drinking and drink-related attitudes. (including sober resentment)

I am with someone who genuinely has no interest in alcohol beyond a very occasional drink that feels so non-threatening to me that I don't even notice..which is saying alot because I am super sensitive to that crap now.

I would say that he is giving you fair warning as best as possible for him. The drinking is a way of life for him and he misses it and wants it.

Jazzman

He acknowledged three binges and you call that a big improvement?
Maybe it's time to raise your expectations of what a normal relationship looks like?

duqld1717

I know how you feel! My XABF binged every weekend for a whole entire year that we were together. I would get panic attacks every friday when the weekend was about to start because I knew he would be headed to the bar to get out of his mind drunk. I never saw him go longer than a week or two without drinking. I finally left because I could no longer have my weekends or my life ruined anymore. He would also tell me if he "didnt hate me so much, he wouldnt drink so much" and "maybe if you liked to drink more, we would get along better". Life is so short-you deserve better.

tallulah

Blamethrowers.

Time to put on the asbestos undies.

Tx