steve11694

I have been in your shoes with AW. What is going on in her head?

= chemically induced insanity =

Don't even try to figure it out. Stay close and take care of your kids and treat yourself well.

There is nothing you or Jesus Christ could do to make her sober.

nodaybut2day

hi Lost...just wanted to send you *hugs* and gently remind you to focus on you and the kids. Your wife is where she needs to be. So, how are YOU doing today?

Sean718

Lost,
It's a blessing that your AW is in treatment. I wish that mine would decide to go, but I'm not in control of that. Continue to be the best father you can.

Babyblue

You seem to be doing everything you feel like you can do. It is a journey I think. One that may get worse before it gets better. Ultimately staying sober is up to her. You've given her so much love and support but your kids also need that love and support. Sounds like you are doing the best you can which is all you can do. Letting her do this or that isn't the point. If it comes to that, then you cross that bridge but for now just let her do what it is she has to, either it works or doesn't but save your strength and worry for the kids.

I understand alcohol is an addiction and being a mom is stressful but you know what? I work with impoverished moms with lots of kids and they are all sober, loving their kids and being great moms. She is simply an alcoholic. Has NOTHING to do with the stress of parenting, she just had very poor coping skills for that stress.

The kids need you. Make them your focus, not her. Maybe this sounds harsh but it is their life that you can still fix and help, hers.. well she is an adult.

yorkiegirl

Dear Lost,

I am moved by your love & caring. I hope you will take your love and focus on your children & yourself. I enabled my AH for 14 years. It wasn't until I took our daughter & left that he eventually chose recovery for himself. Of course, it got worse for him after I first left (and it was killing me to see him deteriorating) before it got better. However, by my not letting him find his own way, by constantly helping, rescuing, covering up, etc. , I had been robbing him the dignity to choose his own path.

You & your children need & deserve a lot of love & support. I hope you can find a way to detach with love & compassion from your wife. She is very ill. Pray for her from a distance that she will find her way to recovery. For now, focus on you & your children. This forum is a great place for support! So many wise & caring people!

Hugs to you & your four children.

lostfamily

Well she made it 40 days but relapsed today, my head is still spinning and I have no idea what to do now? She may not be able to get back into the recovery home she was just in and I have no idea what to do once again.

theuncertainty

I'm sorry to read about her relapse, lostfamily. Wishing strength and peace for you and your kids.

naive

hi lostfamily-

i'm not sure that YOU need to do anything, other than what you're already doing.

her recovery is her responsibility. let her figure out what to do. she's an adult. she made the choice to drink again. she can figure out what she is going to do.

if it was me, i wouldn't do anything. you are legally separated and you have sole custody of the children. that's really enough for one person to deal with without a fifth child, no?

naive

least

I'd suggest you detach with love and let her go. Take care of yourself and the kids and let her figure out what she's going to do. As was said, you already have four kids and don't need another 'kid' in the house needing your supervision.

Pelican

Thanks for checking in and offering an update.

I am sorry that your AW is choosing to pick back up.

Remember the three C's:

You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this

You have our support and encouragement. We care about you.

Gentle hugs.

lostfamily

Had another hellish day today, I get a call from the fire department saying she had tried to get a room in the bad part of town. Since she did not have any money she tried to bribe a maid with her watch to get in a room.

Once she figures out she does not have enough money she calls 911 asking for help. Turns out she hitch hiked out of the remote detox (at first she says with three different men) then she says a Mexican family.

I arrive at the er and they suspect she has had some other stimulant in addition to alcohol either coke or meth. She eventually gets frustrated she cannot drink there and then starts to take off out of the er. At this point my mother joins me in combining her to go to another lock down detox facility.

They initially do not want to take her as she has been there seven times before. We finally convince the staff and she is now safe at least.




Here is how I feel ..... She could have been raped and god knows is she had to exchange sexual favors for these rides. She also might be experimenting with other drugs. She could have called me since she had enough cash for vodka just not enough for the motel.

She is back on her drinking terror and I am held hostage. I am scared something really bad is going to happen to her.

littlefish

I am worried and feel bad so bad for you and what you are going through, and worried about your wife, too.
But...it's her journey and descent into the abyss of alcoholism and you can't do anything about it. You don't have to be held hostage.

I know how it pulls on our heartstrings to see someone hXXl bent on destroying themselves and we can do nothing.

But, we can do something for our children.
Your wife seems to be in meltdown mode and could turn this holiday season into an awful memory for them.
You can be there for them to ensure that it doesn't.

theuncertainty

How are you doing today, lostfamily? I know reading questions like that when I first found SR confused me. I, or another poster, would spill all the cr-p my/their A was doing, and some one would go and change the subject.

I know it's hard with everything that is going on, but I really hope you take time this week to do something for yourself. Something that allows you time to let go of her crazy behavior for at least a moment. Focus on you and your kids; play with them and be completely with them.

(I write this as much for myself as for you. Remembering to do something for myself is so hard. Being completely with DS in the moment while we play together is something I need just as much as he does.)

Wishing you peace in this crazy time and continued strength, Lostfamily.

naive

i'm not sure that your continued interference is productive. you say this is her 8th time to the same facility?

she will take you down with her, if you permit it.

and then what about the children? if all your energy is used up by her continued drama, who will be there for your family? also, i would imagine this detox facility costs money. that is money you might need for your four children or yourself...

this kind of ongoing saga with addicts can go on for years, decades. she's determined to drink. she'll probably come out, after spending your family money on her treatment, and drink again.

i think at a certain point, you are going to have to cut the line otherwise she'll take you and the family down with her.

naive

nodaybut2day

hi lostfamily...

I want to second what Naive has said: your wife will take you and the children down with her if you let it happen.

Though you and her family keep running to rescue her, it's clear from where I sit that she does not want to be rescued. In any case, even if she did, it would become very clear early on that no one can "rescue" her but herself.

You are only being held hostage by her drinking because you choose to. You do not have to keep rescuing her...this isn't a comic book, you aren't Superman, and the damsel in distress is *willingly* putting herself in harm's way without any regard for you or her children.

At this point in time, your AW is in a lock down facility, right? It's time to stop taking the phone calls, to stop running to wherever whenever she causes more drama, and to focus on getting your separation and custody issues resolved, at least temporarily, so that you do not have to take your AW back once her stint in rehab ends.

I'm sorry this is so hard on you and your children. Please feel free to come back here to post as much as you need.

kiki5711

Holy cow!!!!

I think there are other psychological problems in addition to addiction/and alcohol.

Who knows, maybe the baby's lung problem might even be from her drinking/using or whatever she was doing and she still continues.

I cannot imagine what is going through her mind, but it's not concern for her kids. Maybe she figures she can continue on her own destruction and you'll just hire another nanny and she's free of responsibility.

She souns really gone.

isurvived

Dear Lost:
Heart-wrenching. Your situation is so familiar to all of us. I wish I could give you hope for your wife's recovery, but I can tell you that there IS life and a future for the effected family members to have a healthy, happy future. I'm living proof, as are many others here.

You HAVE to remember that you did NOT cause this, you COULD NOT control it, or cure it... and your children need to know that as well. Very important they get affirmation of that.

It is what it is and there is nothing more you can do that you haven't already tried.

Looking back, I wish that I had not hung in there so long. My XAH of 26 years went through 30-day inpatient treatment a total of 3 times during our marriage. The money might as well have been flushed down the toilet. Not to say that treatment isn't worthwhile... as I know there are people who DO recover. I just don't know any personally.

After all those years of emotional turbulence, financial disasters, the ship was sinking and I then realized I must jump or go down with it. At that time, my youngest son was just 14. Best decision I've made in my life to leave. Single parenting is not easy, but it's a lot easier than trying to parent with an alcoholic partner!

Concentrate on YOU and your children. Go forward with God's help and you'll be fine.

lostfamily

Today she wants to go back to the recovery home and is saying she will do anything to make this happen. Her two really insane days were when she left a detox awal on Valium and then started drinking on top of the Valium.

I am wondering if maybe the combination of those two drugs are what drives her to do these insane runs. Here she is a mother of four with a family of people who love her and she decides to go hitch hiking to try and isolate herself so she can drink.

Now we have the whole Christmas fiasco on the way and she is begging to see the kids on Christams. I wish I could just walk away from her but I am too worried she is going to harm/kill herself if left to her destructive alcoholic ways.

In a way I feel cheated here, I thought I was going to have a partner to raise a family with. If she would have done this after our first child it would be an easier decision. It seems like there are no "good" option a for me.

I hate to think about her being raped, killed, drinking herself to death, or having some major accident. It is not hard to imagine how difficult it would be to let the kids know what happened to their mother. Just yesterday she could have had a bunch of horrible things happen to her.

All of this makes me feel like I am the biggest loser on the planet. I chose to marry this woman and have children, I even knew after the third child she was headed down the wrong path towards extreme alcohol addiction.

least

You're not a loser. You're just in a very bad situation. I hope you can find some peace of mind soon.

Jazzman

To analyze the whys and hows in detail is typical of a problem solver type personality. I did the same thing until I realized analysis paralysis was keeping me from focusing on things I could change. You can't reason with addiction.

I think she just demonstrated quite clearly that properly motivated she could disappear and leave you with absolutely no control over the outcome of her actions, whether you walk away or not.

Yep. I know the feeling. Being the sober parent can take it's toll for sure. There's a reason they say put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others.