Dear Lost,
I am moved by your love & caring. I hope you will take your love and focus on your children & yourself. I enabled my AH for 14 years. It wasn't until I took our daughter & left that he eventually chose recovery for himself. Of course, it got worse for him after I first left (and it was killing me to see him deteriorating) before it got better. However, by my not letting him find his own way, by constantly helping, rescuing, covering up, etc. , I had been robbing him the dignity to choose his own path.
You & your children need & deserve a lot of love & support. I hope you can find a way to detach with love & compassion from your wife. She is very ill. Pray for her from a distance that she will find her way to recovery. For now, focus on you & your children. This forum is a great place for support! So many wise & caring people!
Hugs to you & your four children.