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Help - Wife/Mother of four with extreme alcoholism. I post in the new area as I just joined this board today, a member encouraged me to post in this section. My wife started to drink heavily about six years ago but the last two years have really been bad. She began to call me at work and say she could not handle our three children at the time. We had a nanny that would help with the kids about two days a week back then. She would call on days when the nanny was off and I would come home and she would be passed out on the couch or on her way to being passed out. I thought the stress of the children must be what is making her drink so in March 2008 I hired the nanny full time. The nanny being there five days a week actually started to make things worse. She started to drink even earlier in the day and started to isolate herself even more. Eventually it got so bad I had to take her to the emergency room on a few occasions. She eventually went to a detox facility but did not have any follow up treatment. A few months later she bot pregnant again and it was very unexpected. At first her being pregnant was really positive she managed to cut back her drinking but was never fully sober even though she did not drink for our first three children. It was far better than where she was earlier the year and I had not yet realized how sever her problem was. After the baby was born he was in the NICU for about a week as he was born prematurely and was having an issue with his lungs. The stress of having a baby with health issues was really difficult for both of us. Well after about a month she went right back to drinking except it was even more extreme. She started to hide bottles of vodka all over our house and was starting to forget where she had put them. Eventually we ended back at the emergency room and they transferred her to a detox facility. At first it was really difficult having her be gone but eventually I started to enjoy her being away as I felt safe. She ended up going back to detox seven other times, each visit they kept teeing to adjust her medications thinking all of this was somehow related to post pardon depression. She did have about six weeks where she did not drink because I was making her take anitibuse. She eventually figured out she could drink even on the drug. At this point everything seemed to be going down hill. On the seventh visit the kept her for in patient treatment, on the prior visits the recommended an intensive out patient program which she simply did not attend. This was a 21 day program and about one day after she was real eased she started drinking again. |
She again went back to a detox facility and was placed into a 28 day program that had an excellent reputation where we live. I was so proud of her and all of the staff thought she was doing incredibly well. They had a family week and. Her mother, sister, brother and I were very supportive. The staff recommended a sober living home after she was released. After one day out she figured out there was a liquor store within walking distance and she was back at it again. She was drinking in the sober living home and the woman that ran it was in shock. She eventually went back to detox at the same facility where all the staff was saying how well she did for the 28 day program. She said she felt rejected and did not like having to see all the disappointment it their faces that she relapsed. After two days of detox she went AWAL and took off on foot from the hospital. One of the women she was friends with at the sober living home brought her purse to her. So this started a wild goose chase trying to figure out where she was. We went to the closest grocery store and ask the store manager if she had seen my wife. They went through the checks and figured out she had been there about an hour and a half before we got there. The goose chase continued trying to figure out where she was then it dawned on my to check to closest hotel. It was by the grace of God I found her. She had drank a 1.5 liter bottle of vodka and in my opinion was trying to drink herself to death. We eventually got her to the emergency room, this was the worst I had ever seen her she had to be physically restrained to stay. I thought for sure this was a suicide attempt. |
The next day she was released from the ER I has trying to get her into a recovery home. The owner of the home came to meet her in a drug store where I was getting her prescription filled. She then started to freak out in the store and started to drink in the store !!! She was not going to stop and was determined to drink again. She then checked into a hotel and drank for three days straight, I was still checking in on her as I was afraid something terrible was going to happen to her. She eventually agreed she needed help and is now in a remote detox in the middle of nowhere. At first she really fought being there but is now asking to be moved to a recovery home. I am a father with four young kids and am wondering what I should do now? It seems like my life is crumbling before my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it. How many times should I support her? Is the street or jail really the best answer? |
Originally Posted by lostfamily
(Post 2768933)
I post in the new area as I just joined this board today, a member encouraged me to post in this section. Hi and welcome. There are a lot of very smart people on this board who offer much support. I"m fairly new here too. My wife started to drink heavily about six years ago but the last two years have really been bad. She began to call me at work and say she could not handle our three children at the time. We had a nanny that would help with the kids about two days a week back then. She would call on days when the nanny was off and I would come home and she would be passed out on the couch or on her way to being passed out. I thought the stress of the children must be what is making her drink so in March 2008 I hired the nanny full time. I used to constantly try to figure out why my AH drank so much, that is....until I came to the realization that he was an alcoholic and that's what they do. The nanny being there five days a week actually started to make things worse. She started to drink even earlier in the day and started to isolate herself even more. Eventually it got so bad I had to take her to the emergency room on a few occasions. She eventually went to a detox facility but did not have any follow up treatment. A few months later she bot pregnant again and it was very unexpected. My AH used to isolate himself too, and would also drink more and more during those times. At first her being pregnant was really positive she managed to cut back her drinking but was never fully sober even though she did not drink for our first three children. It was far better than where she was earlier the year and I had not yet realized how sever her problem was. Same thing with my AH. He tried to "cut back". It never worked, not to this day. After the baby was born he was in the NICU for about a week as he was born prematurely and was having an issue with his lungs. The stress of having a baby with health issues was really difficult for both of us. Well after about a month she went right back to drinking except it was even more extreme. She started to hide bottles of vodka all over our house and was starting to forget where she had put them. It seems many find ANY excuse to justify their drinking. Vodka bottles have been hidden everywhere in my home too. Eventually we ended back at the emergency room and they transferred her to a detox facility. At first it was really difficult having her be gone but eventually I started to enjoy her being away as I felt safe. She ended up going back to detox seven other times, each visit they kept teeing to adjust her medications thinking all of this was somehow related to post pardon depression. I'm sorry to hear about the emergency room visits. I have not had to make ER trips. Currently my AH is still gone. I finally told him I didn't want him to come back home... because like you...I feel better with him being away, safe. My AH has also been to rehab several times. Inpatient and outpatient and hasn't had success yet. She did have about six weeks where she did not drink because I was making her take anitibuse. She eventually figured out she could drink even on the drug. At this point everything seemed to be going down hill. AH was supposed to take the medication. He never did. On the seventh visit the kept her for in patient treatment, on the prior visits the recommended an intensive out patient program which she simply did not attend. This was a 21 day program and about one day after she was real eased she started drinking again. |
Dear LostFamily, "Let go and let God"! I feel your pain and to me those words are more than just a slogan. Your wife has given you NO choice but to follow those words.I have had to follow those words myself not only with my alcoholic husband but, also, after my only daughter completed suicide. Letting go is the ultimate answer to distress, when all else fails. Resisting and rejecting our present experience sometimes just keeps us locked in struggle against it. Letting go opens up the door to working with what is inevitable, rather than fighting against what is inevitable. As we let go of our willful need to control our situation, we come into our power to transform ourselves. We can get very stressed and suffer terribly when frustrated by things we cannot change. In these situations a surprising breakthrough can come from the simple act of "surrender". God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can change; And wisdom to know the difference! *******************************:ring************** ****************** |
What a long and painful road you've had. :( SR is full of so much support, I've gained so much here. Stick around, keep reading, keep posting. There are some really great reads in the stickies at the top.
Originally Posted by lostfamily
(Post 2768951)
I am a father with four young kids and am wondering what I should do now? It seems like my life is crumbling before my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it. You can begin by attending alanon meetings. There is a way to gain control of your life. There are things you can do. Alanon will help you find out how. SR will support you. Learning about co-dependency and alcholism will give you tools and facts to move forward. Your wife will make her own choices. You don't have any power over them. |
Welcome to the SR family! Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and share your story. I am very sorry that your wife continues to make alcohol her priority. We understand. You will find support and information to help you as you begin to recover from this dis-ease of alcoholism. Alcoholism affects the entire family. I recommend reading and posting as much as needed. You are welcome to vent your frustrations and concerns. There are sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom from others that have walked this same path. Here is a link to a sticy post that contains steps that have helped some of us: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html Let us know how we can help you |
Originally Posted by lostfamily
(Post 2768951)
How many times should I support her? Is the street or jail really the best answer? I had to learn the difference between supporting my A and enabling my A (alcoholic). If my A passed out on the couch, my enabling would be to wake him and put him to bed. My enabling was making everything okay for my A. Unacceptable behavior was being covered/corrected/anticipated by me all day - every day. My enabling made it easier and easier for my A to act without consequences. I needed to learn where my responsibilites ended and where my A's began. I was sooooo enmeshed in his addiction. I had to seperate myself and detach. One of the simplest formulas for detaching was taught to me here at SR. The 3 C's of addiction: I did not Cause it I can not Control it I will not Cure it Most of my attempts at support as a spouse ended up being efforts to control. I was constantly trying to rescue or fix my A. All my energy was going towards my adult partner. In the meantime, who was supporting me? I had to detach and let the other adult in my life take care of himself. |
Hello lost :welcome to SR. Thank you for sharing your story with us. |
Lost, welcome to SR. You have found a terrific group of people who will share and offer guidance for you while you face your struggles. Your story is heartbreaking and I can only imagine the pain and exhaustion you face every day. There is hope. Hope for your wife, but more importantly, hope for yourself and your children whose lives are the only ones you have true control over. Have you been to Al-Anon? Can you find someone trustworthy to care for your children so that you can make time for yourself to attend meetings? Al-Anon can teach you how to cope, how to care for yourself, how to do what is best for you so that you can care for your children who desperately need a healthy parent. You are your childrens' lifeline. Do you have others who can help with your children? When I was in the middle of my divorce from my XAH, I took an unpaid leave of absence from my job for 7 weeks, flew myself and my three babies thousands of miles home to be with my family where they helped me to care for my kids while I got myself together. My babies needed a healthy mom and the only way I could get there was to rely on others to help me. I had to give up the supermom role. Once I had myself in a better (not perfect, but much healthier) place, we were able to return to our home where I started to rebuild our lives. Your wife's choice to work on real recovery belongs to her only. I only recently learned that separating myself from an alcoholic/addict's behavior is the best thing that I can do for them. It is not cruel to do so. It actually allows them the dignity to experience the consequences and rewards of their own actions. There is a difference between helping the alcoholic and enabling the alcoholic. SR, Al-Anon, and great books such as Codependent No More will help you to discern the difference. I hope you stay and continue to share with us. Sending prayers your way, Lost. |
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm just getting started on what will probably be a similar path, though my daughter is grown, so your situation is much more complicated than mine. As you have learned, and I am learning, alcohol can apparently change a person dramatically. My wife has been drinking heavily for a couple of years now. She has fallen several times, and three weeks ago she finally fell and broke her ankle. When we got home from the emergency room, her biggest concern was that we not throw away her Vodka. Even while she's wheelchair bound because of it, she refuses to consider not drinking. Apparently, some alcoholics are determined to drink no matter what it does to them or their families. It's very tragic, and very maddening for us. I hope you can manage to take care of yourself and your children. You'll get lots of good advice and support here. |
hi Lost and WELCOME to SR. I'm sorry your path has been so difficult, but I'm glad it lead you here to SR. It's a great place to find support. I second (or third?) the suggestion that you find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. There's nothing like getting face to face support from people who've been exactly where you are. Also, I suggest individual counselling, only because it was my life-saver when I felt my whole world was falling apart around me. Once or twice a week, I'd have a whole hour, to myself, with my counsellor, to cry, to rage, to share...it did me a world of good. I think your instincts are bang on here: how long can you realistically continue to "save" your wife from herself? Is there a point where you begin to realize that you do NOT control her addiction, and ultimately, you do not control whether or not she chooses to kill herself by drinking. I suggest that you leave your wife to her remote detox in the middle of nowhere and focus on yourself, on your 4 beautiful children. They NEED you to be healthy and happy, so you can care for them. If you have family and friends you can reach to, perhaps for a few hours of babysitting, or a nice cup of tea and some "normal" conversation, please do so. And please do not hesitate to come back here to read and post as much as you life. SR is always open. |
I am really struggling with letting go of her despite how toxic our relationship has become. Our children keep asking me when mom is going to come home and is difficult to say I am not sure. It also is going to be be very hard on me as a single father of four children. In my dreams at night she comes home and we are right back to square one with her drinking again. I'm not convinced she has hit bottom yet and I am fearful of what that bottom will look like. Right now things are relatively easy knowing she is at a detox facility that is so isolated. When she ultimately gets transferred to a recovery home I am fearful she will relapse again. There is no sure right answer of what to do I am sure, but I am tired of feeling the burden of having to worry about this 24/7 and even in my dreams. It is hard to turn off the natural tendencies I have to try and protect her from harm's way. |
Letting go, in my experience, has never been something that I just DID. Letting go, for me, is always a process. |
I have struggled with the concept of 'letting him go' for the past three years. It's been rough, but the disease has progressed so much that I no longer can wait. I still love him very much, but I have filed for divorce. I can't let my boys see the affects of his disease any longer. Not to mention the fact that he has left a financial ruin behind him. $25,000 of medical bills with no insurance, and $5,000 in credit card bills (thankfully in his own name) just to name a few. I always thought that if I took him to this detox or that treatment center he would find sobriety. But when they were over, there was no follow through in recovery. I continue to work on dettachment, and the fact that his recovery is his own. There is nothing that I can do. I wish I would've followed through on the divorce when I first filed two years ago. It may have saved my boys from seeing and dealing with things that no 9 and 13yr. old should have to encounter. Best of luck to you , stay strong. |
I have filed for legal separation and have sole custody of our four children. |
Originally Posted by lostfamily
(Post 2770034)
It is hard to turn off the natural tendencies I have to try and protect her from harm's way. I have filed for legal separation and have sole custody of our four children. With out her alcoholism weighing you down 24/7, you will gain strength and clarity, I did. You are your kids savior and their hero. You should be very proud. From one single dad to another, good job. Thanks and God bless us all, Coyote |
Originally Posted by lostfamily
(Post 2770034)
I have filed for legal separation and have sole custody of our four children. |
She met with the owner of the recovery home today and he is going to take her in this week. Still very scared about what is going to happen once she is in this new environment. I pray she will not relapse but it is difficult to stay optimistic now. This will be another big financial hit to our family to pay for this recovery home. This is going to take us to about 25K now that we have spent on treatment. |
She is in the recovery home now, I did chat with her over the weekend. She was very thankful that she was in the new home and apologized for what she has put the family through. It is hard to understand what is possibly going through her head right now. :ugh: |
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