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I am so confused

Old 11-09-2010, 06:48 AM
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I am so confused

I have been dating a recovering alcoholic for a year. He and I have both gone through divorces. We have got on so well and we can really talk about everything right down to his drinking. He travels a lot and so I value the time we get together. Anyway things were going so well up until a few months ago when I suspected he was drinking again. He admitted this to me and told me he would deal with it. I left it as it was not affecting our relationship. THEN.....out of the blue and after a business trip I had been on, he tells me he is an emotional mess, needs a break for a few weeks, he tells me that he loves me and does not want to break up with me but he has to know that he is 100% committed to me in order to go forward. He says that the hurt from his divorce is crippling him again (he has been separated 2 years and divorced for 6 months). I dont know what is going on, he has shut down completely saying that I need to be patient with him as he does love me. I dont know what to do. I love this man but cant be put through another relationship like my marriage where my husband just walked out one day for a friend.

Any suggestions? He only seems to have withdrawn from me - not his friends and family.
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Old 11-09-2010, 07:10 AM
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Yuck. I am sorry this has happened. It is difficult not to try to figure out what is truly going on with him. What words to believe. How to interpret his behavior and reconcile that with how he says he feels. I have literally made myself sick, and crazy, trying to figure out what is going on. My advice is to trust your instincts. If you feel you cannot believe him, heed that feeling. If you feel panic whenever you talk to him, trust that your body is telling you "danger."
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Old 11-09-2010, 07:24 AM
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I suggest you walk away. If you are meant to be with him, then you will be. There is nothing you can do but leave him to it.
Take care of yourself. Love should not hurt so much.
Just my opinion.
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Old 11-09-2010, 08:08 AM
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It seems your boyfriend has gone back to his first love: Alcohol.
And he wants to keep you around in case that relationship ends, again.

In otherwords,
he has made alcohol his priority and wants to keep you around as an option.

You deserve to be treated with respect and as an equal partner in your relationship.

Please take care of yourself.
You are worth the effort.
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Old 11-09-2010, 08:41 AM
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to me, the big flashing red light here is that you say he hasn't withdrawn from his friends and family....only you....

what does that say to your gut?
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Old 11-09-2010, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by JW123 View Post
I love this man but cant be put through another relationship like my marriage where my husband just walked out one day for a friend.
There's your answer. "love" isn't enough to save the world, or in this case, to support the entire relationship on its own. You already know what you don't want. If I were you, I wouldn't leave the fate of the relationship in his hands. I'd unilaterally decide that the relationship is over and spend some time with myself.
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:58 PM
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Thank you for your reply. I ignored him completely yesterday and focused on my three children. At 9pm I got a message " I need some time to heal JW123. Not because I dont love you but because I love you big time. I know you dont understand but please give me time". I mean he SAYS all the right stuff but his actions are the confusing thing. DAMN IT - I think I am in love with an alcoholic.
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Old 11-10-2010, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by JW123 View Post
Thank you for your reply. I ignored him completely yesterday and focused on my three children. At 9pm I got a message " I need some time to heal JW123. Not because I dont love you but because I love you big time. I know you dont understand but please give me time". I mean he SAYS all the right stuff but his actions are the confusing thing. DAMN IT - I think I am in love with an alcoholic.
Please check into Alanon meetings in your area if you haven't already. You will find understanding and face-to-face support.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book.

You have three children to care for. Give them the gift of a mother who is emotionally present for them.

He made the decision to drink again. He's got a lot of issues to work out if he's serious about sobriety again.

You don't need to take on those issues, dear.
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:41 PM
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Alcoholics in recovery have a way of keeping lovers on a string. They push and pull, and confuse the hell out of you, and when they come back "100%," if they do, you will still have a hard time trusting them, and there will be doubt and discomfort.

You have no choice but to move on and leave it in his hands. I'm sorry, my heart goes out to you. Good for you for ignoring him, and don't lose yourself over this.
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Old 11-10-2010, 11:19 PM
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Thank you so much for your insight. He has invited me to go to dinner with him this weekend. Not sure I want to, I mean how do I act having been in his life for a year, seeing each other a lot, and then in the last two weeks - NOTHING. I dont know what I will say to him, how to act, what to do. HE has create this divide between us, not me and I really dont know what to do or say anymore. Maybe I shuld go out, listen to what he says - SEE his actions and then decide once and for all? Love should NOT hurt.
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Old 11-10-2010, 11:26 PM
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Listen to the actions, not the words.

L
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Old 11-10-2010, 11:37 PM
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Good advice LaTeeDa - I think I will do just that. I will be quiet and WATCH.
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Old 11-11-2010, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by JW123 View Post
... THEN.....out of the blue and after a business trip I had been on, he tells me he is an emotional mess, needs a break for a few weeks, he tells me that he loves me and does not want to break up with me but he has to know that he is 100% committed to me in order to go forward. He says that the hurt from his divorce is crippling him again (he has been separated 2 years and divorced for 6 months). I dont know what is going on, he has shut down completely saying that I need to be patient with him as he does love me.... He only seems to have withdrawn from me - not his friends and family.
He knows he's an emotional mess? Really? What has he done about it? Is he seeing a counselor? Talking to a minister?

His divorce is 'crippling' him? Again, what has he done about it? Counseling? He's willing to go through life being crippled? And is it his divorce 'crippling' him, or the alcohol? How is being crippled affecting his life? Is he still working? Not crippled there. Still hanging out with family and friends? Not crippled there. Just seems to be crippled in relationship with you.

He wants a 'break' for a few weeks, but doesn't want to break up with you? He's shut down, but begs you to be patient with him? This is nonsense.

This is not love. If he loved you he wouldn't want to hurt you. And he wouldn't risk losing you. He's willing to take the risk, because when it's all said and done, you aren't that important to him. Unlike his friends and family with whom he's still hanging around with.

You are being tested and groomed. What is she willing to put up with? What can I get away with? Is she going to be a good patsy? Will she put my needs before hers?
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Old 11-11-2010, 03:26 PM
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I liken it to the mouse being taunted by the cat. Just when the poor mouse thinks it has the solution and tries to get away, the cat grabs it again.

Why do they do that push pull cr*p?? Maybe some insight from someone who is recovered can enlighten me. Even in recovery though there is that push/pull thing.

I think they are just emotionally crippled that until they realize they stand to lose something then they wake up from their stupor.

I don't know. I need a cup of coffee *grumble*.
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Old 11-11-2010, 03:56 PM
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detach yourself....with love...Surrender and move forward into recovery for YOU...( I am doing the same thing....

choas..yuk!!
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Old 11-11-2010, 05:13 PM
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Please remember...

..and you know this as a parent of children. What he says is meaningless. YOU KNOW THIS! What he does is the only thing that matters. This applies to all living beings of any race, creed, gender, and religion.

Weight the following factors like this:

What he says = 0 %,
He loves me = 0%
I love him = 0%
I'm lonely = 0%
He's lonely = 0%
I'm all powerful and can save him = 0%

What he does = 100%.

The only thing that matters is what we do, or what we fail to do. That's it. It's simple math and absolute truth.

You are a smart women. Do not, under any circumstances, expose your children to this man if he is not 100 percent immersed in his recovery by his choice. Even if you have a co-dependant martyr complex and an unnatural attraction to unavailable men, or men you get to try and "save," your children should not have to suffer for it.

My daughter was raised by an alcoholic and I was an accomplice to that. I could have protected her and I didn't because I was a clueless idiot who thought he could make his wife stop drinking, and I love her more than words can express. I let myself be blinded by that, and I will never recover from the shame of my failure to protect the most important person there is-- my baby girl. Worse, she may never recover from the damage inflicted upon her and she began experimenting with drugs at 13). She's 15 now and I can hear the bomb ticking.

You've been warned.

Cyranoak




Originally Posted by JW123 View Post
Thank you so much for your insight. He has invited me to go to dinner with him this weekend. Not sure I want to, I mean how do I act having been in his life for a year, seeing each other a lot, and then in the last two weeks - NOTHING. I dont know what I will say to him, how to act, what to do. HE has create this divide between us, not me and I really dont know what to do or say anymore. Maybe I shuld go out, listen to what he says - SEE his actions and then decide once and for all? Love should NOT hurt.
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:38 AM
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Thank you for all your responses. Wow I have come to the right place. I guess having never been with or exposed to alcholism (I come from a very sheltered past) that I dont understand it. I want to see the best in him. Not fix him - that is for him to do but I am fast beginning to understand that perhaps my divorce has something with me putting up with this type of nonsense - I feel rejected as my Husband left for another woman and so perhaps I just want anyone to just "love me" - silly hey.

He phoned last night but I was too busy to take the call. I phoned him later and he said he was going to pop in but when I did not answer he went home. Good because I dont know where he gets off ignoring me for a whole week and then wanting to pop in. I have agreed to go to dinner to see his actions tonight. (Thanks LaTeeDa) and I hope to then formulate my opinion once and for all.

Cyranoak - thanks for your input too. I sincerly hope that your daughter will come through this nightmare. Man it is one hey. Actually because of your input I will now not let this man near my home - although he is always sober in front of my children.

Babyblue - I too want to understand this push pull thing they have going. Maybe part of them pushes because they dont feel that they should be loved and then another part pulls because that is what they really want. I mean can anyone really knowingly do this to another they love or am I totally naive?
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:40 AM
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Oh and Bucyn - now I have a couple questions from your post for him when I see him later. IT IS ALL ABOUT ACTIONS. Phew never thought I could be getting groomed for anything.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:03 AM
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I've often heard it said:

Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

He told you:
out of the blue and after a business trip I had been on, he tells me he is an emotional mess, needs a break for a few weeks, he tells me that he loves me and does not want to break up with me but he has to know that he is 100% committed to me in order to go forward

During his break from you, were you free to date? OR were you expected to put your life on hold and wait for him to process his emotions?

My suggestion for your dinner is to take your own transportation to and from dinner. I would not want him in my home until I had time to process my own emotions.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:20 AM
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"Thank you for all your responses. Wow I have come to the right place. I guess having never been with or exposed to alcholism (I come from a very sheltered past) that I dont understand it."

I also had never been exposed to active alcoholism. I had known alcoholics but when I married one I was baptised in fire. I absolute didn't know what hit me. Please listen to what everyone is telling you and be very cautious. I was married to my XAH for six years and divorced in Jan. It's taken me since then to regain my sanity.
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