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Old 10-24-2010, 06:56 PM
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Hi... I'm new.

My husband of nearly five years is an alcholoic who is in denial. He believes that his drinking does not hurt himslef or anyone else. He says that my problem with his drinking will cause him to end the relationship. We have a four year old daughter, who is amazing. I am also due with our second child, a son, in less than three weeks (although the doctor may want to take him early since there seems to be minor complications due to the baby being to small... the doctor is worried about him being stillborn). I am scared, anxious, and very stressed that I am going to go into labor and my husband will be to intoxicated to drive me or be of any support at all. I discussed my concerns with him this afternoon only to have him say his boss would drive me to the hospital if he had too much to drink at that point... not what I needed to hear. The whole conversation turned to him calling me selfish, that he wished that he had not come home from work today, and that I make him miserable. I am generally a very logical individual but when so many emotions exist between us I am unable to communicate with him effectively. I just needed to vent my fears and frustrations because I hae no other source or outlet to do so now. I know the only way he will be able to drive me to the hospital is if he abstains completely from drinking, but I have not said so because I know that has to be his choice... I have only asked him to refrain from drinking to the point of being unable to drive.
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Old 10-24-2010, 07:02 PM
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Hi and welcome! I have no advice right now, but just wanted to offer hugs and prayers!
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Old 10-24-2010, 07:06 PM
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((jennander1))

perhaps make a plan to get there independent of him...then you will have some peace of mind...

totally understand what you're going thru. was there myself.

naive xxx
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Old 10-24-2010, 07:12 PM
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Welcome, Jenn. I am very sorry you are having to go through this pregnancy without the support of a loving husband and father to your child. His selfishness is a direct reflection of his addiction. His denial comes at a really lousy time for you and your children.

Please have a backup plan for getting yourself to the hospital. You can hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. One of my sisters was delivered while my alcoholic father (AF) laid passed out on our living room floor. My mother drove herself, speeding, 30 miles to the nearest hospital. She was pulled over for speeding, and the cop then drove in front of her, lights flashing, while she drove herself to the hospital. Why he didn't put her in his own car, I don't know, but she made it and had a safe delivery, thank God.

Any amount of alcohol in his system is a threat to the safety of you and your baby while he is behind the wheel. Please don't allow him to drive if you have even a doubt of his sobriety.

You are in my prayers. Hugs to you.
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Old 10-24-2010, 07:46 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

We are glad you found us. I am sorry about the reason that brought you here today, but I know you will find the support and information you are looking for.

I see our friend Isaiah recommends the three C's as a place to start. Good choice! I learned about the three C's when I first came here too.
They pertain to addiction, alcoholism in this case:

You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it

It took me some time to wrap my head around those C's and accept them as truth in my situation. I felt that if I could just get my A to understand how I saw things and get my A to accept my solutions - life would get better.

Life did get better, but I had to start taking care of myself first.

There are sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Prayers and hugs to you as you anticipate the birth of your baby!
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Old 10-24-2010, 08:56 PM
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Hi, Jenn,

Wow, you have a lot on your plate right now. If your husband is an alcoholic, he most likely CAN'T refrain from drinking so he's in condition to drive. It certainly doesn't seem like a good idea to count on his getting you to the hospital--in fact, you should consider just planning on getting there some other way--a cab, a friend, an ambulance if necessary.

Sorry you're having to deal with this right now. Once the baby is born, I hope you will be able to make some Al-Anon meetings. I have a feeling you are going to need them.
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Old 10-24-2010, 09:10 PM
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Jenn,

Welcome to Sober Recovery! This is a terrific site, full of advice and compassion and wisdom gained from experience.

I am so sorry that you are due to have a baby and your husband cannot be there for you. For me, nothing feels worse.

Can you take care of yourself, as though he were not around? I think that's the best you can do at this moment. Who are the people in your life who are there for you?
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Old 10-24-2010, 10:49 PM
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I don't have anyone physically here for me... that's why I am on this site. My nearest family member is over 3 hours away. We live in a very rural area... I have one friend whom I can count on here to help out, but she will be visiting her husband on leave before he goes to Iraq near the time that I am due, probably why I am stressing so much now. He was able to be sober for 6 weeks before the birth of our daughter, but this time he's decided that our son will not come before his due date (I'd like to know how he knows this). I am glad to be here and finally have some support. Thank you all!
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Old 10-24-2010, 11:16 PM
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Dear Jennander1,

You wrote "(although the doctor may want to take him early since there seems to be minor complications due to the baby being to small... the doctor is worried about him being stillborn). I am scared, anxious, and very stressed that I am going to go into labor and my husband will be to intoxicated to drive me or be of any support at all." I strongly recommend you talk to your doctor about your stressful and emotionally upsetting situation ASAP! This stressful situation could be causing some of your pregnancy problems. Your doctor needs to know this information, and by reaching out to him, he should be able to give you some helpful advice and assistance. I know all to well that we as codependents have learned to keep our "family secrets". Please consider this as helping your unborn child and your little daughter.



Remember, God is still in control! You will be in my prayers!
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Old 10-25-2010, 10:38 AM
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I have been thinkng about the 3 C's all night long. I know that I didn't cause it... and that I definately cannot cure it, I guess that I've always tried to control it though. I tried to control his drinking or at least monitor it. I've tried to control my environment and the situation, which has been so deeply impacted by his addiction. I love my husband, he is a fantastic husband, father, and friend... when he is sober. I feel helpless in this situation, I don't know what to do to improve my family life. When I try and have an honest discussion with him about his drinking, he agrees with me but then drinks more later just to spite me. If I can't talk to him without him punishing me with his drinking what am I to do? I feel like I am walking on eggshells, that there is this elephant in the room that we are not talking about, and that I am trapped between my emotions and his addiction.
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Old 10-25-2010, 10:53 AM
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I had to face my actions/reactions. The cycle kept repeating. I tried harder to control and anticipate the next binge, more of the same old same old.

I finally realized I needed a different tool.

I was holding tightly to a magnifying glass in one hand.
In the other I held tightly to the outcome I wanted to see.

I kept focusing on the alcoholic with my magnifying glass.
I held a death grip on my expected outcome.

The result?
Chaos, drama, loss of serenity.

This is what I decided to do. Get a new plan. A new outlook. I needed new tools. I came here and I also attended Alanon.

Now I hold a mirror in one hand. Keeping the focus on my side of the street. It is a 100 pound (heavy) mirror most days. But with my support group I am able to keep it polished and see the healthy details of my life.
In my other hand (the one tightly fisted to my expectations), I have opened my palm to receive possibilities I never considered. Got my HP (higher power) in charge of outcomes now!

Keep coming back. You will find your way!
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Old 10-25-2010, 10:53 AM
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jenn-

i feel our first priority must be arranging your transportation to the hospital for this very precious cargo!

of course, there is a lot to explore about the rest of your situation, but for right now, let's try to brainstorm and see if we can come up with a safe solution.

what about calling up a taxi company and explaining your need for transport.

the other thing that comes to mind is an ambulance. you could call the hospital and explain your situation (drunk husband) and see if they'll send an ambulance out for you when you need to go.

alternatively, perhaps you could go and stay with your family? explain the situation and have someone come and collect you.

last idea is to call the police station and see if they could help.

that's all my ideas. anyone else?
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Old 10-25-2010, 11:37 AM
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I may be vengeful here, but if all of Naive's transportation ideas don't bear fruit, i'd take your husband up on his offer and contact his direct superior. Explain your situation and tell him that your husband was the one who suggested him as backup transportation should your hubby be too blotto to take you to the hospital.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but your husband isn't leaving you much choice.

I also think you should discuss your situation *honestly* with your doc; perhaps there are social services that you can avail yourself of and that you aren't aware of at the moment.

jennander1, if you find ways not to depend on your husband, then it'll help ease your stress regarding the upcoming birth.

As for the sober husband vs. the drunk husband, you simply cannot dissociate the two. They are one man. Do you love and accept him as who he is today, right now? ...That's the only person he's willing to be.

I hope you keep coming back as much as you can and keep posting!
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Old 10-25-2010, 11:50 AM
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If he is an alcoholic then he's probably not drinking to spite you, he's drinking because he has an addiction, an overwhelming compulsion and a physical dependency.

It's not about you, don't take it personally.

Being dependant on someone is no fun, especially in times like pregnancy where you need someone. Could you not call an ambulance if you needed one to take you? If you try to make other plans then you will feel better and less stressed about him and his drinking.

We all loved our partner or child or family member sober but that doesn't really help us. We can't split them in two unfortunately and just keep the parts we love, we have to live with the bad parts too until we choose not to. How often is your husband sober, are those sober times worth sticking through the drunken times?

Early on in my relationship with my exA the drunk times were party time and the sober times were rare and few. As our relationship progressed things got worse and worse because I didn't want party time at 3am on a Wednesday when I had to be up at 7am. I didn't want music blasting whilst my daughter was trying to sleep. I didn't want my daughter seeing him with a bottle at 8am and think it was normal to drink vodka at that time in the morning. I didn't want the blame and the alcohol fuelled rages and ranting and I certainly didn't want to feel like I was a single woman with all the responsibilities when I was living with a man who was supposed to be a partner.

How do you feel about bringing your children up with an alcoholic father?
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:13 PM
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I think you've gotten some good advice here. The ambulance was my first thought, as well. Costly, but maybe necessary.

I'm learning, as you seem to be, that alcoholics apparently cannot look at their condition objectively, or even logically. Your husband cannot see his drinking as a problem, even though it may prevent him from driving you to the hospital to have a baby. Likewise, my AW doesn't see her drinking as a problem, even though it caused her to fall and break her ankle.

What does it take? A slap in the face with a dead mackerel?

As others have advised, see to your immediate needs first. Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself and your children.

Good luck; keep posting (when you're able)
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Old 10-25-2010, 05:28 PM
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I will speak to my doctor about my stressors... although we are a military and our doctor is a former military doctor, which is my only hesitation. Yes, I work hard to keep my family's secret, and justify it by saying I am preserving my husband's dignity.

I would consider an ambulance, except for the cost, and I am unsure if they would transport my daughter as well, because I do not want to leave her with him when he is intoxicated. His boss is not someone that I really want involved in the birth of my child, he is a family man, but he often is intoxicated as well... since I do not have much contact with him I cannot attest to his level of dependency.

My family does not live anywhere near me... I would prefer to stay in my area just to have my doctor care for me, since that is what I have been preparing for.

Before the last few weeks, I had been chill about his addiction, I recognized it as such and made sure that my daughter's needs and mine were met without depending on him. Now, I need to depend on him and he is not available for me to depend on. I am sad and frustrated that his addiction is coming before the birth of our son.

I know I cannot dissociate between the sober man and the drunk man, I love my husband when he is both drunk and sober, inspite of himself. Perhaps that is why I am having such a difficult time with all of this, I love him but I do not like his behavior.

I do not want my children to have an alcoholic as a father... but they already do, it will be something that he will battle for the rest of his life. I know that, and I am here to support him, he just does not want to admit that anything is wrong. He told me just last week in a somewhat sober state that his drinking does not hurt himself or anyone else. Obviously it hurts all of us, but he still does not see that. His most famous and favorite quote is that it is my problem with his drinking. He did have a drunken episode early this year where he came home and could not walk... our daughter witnessed it. He decided that he did not want his children to have a drunk as a father, and decided to be sober... it only lasted four days; but it was one of the best four days of our marriage. He has been very nice to me since then, since I have not harassed him in anyway about any of his drunken episodes for years now, I think he appreciates that, since I choose to show him love. I attempt to emphathize with him, though it is a difficult line to walk between that an enabling the behavior of addiction.
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Old 10-25-2010, 05:36 PM
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If he doesn't see how he is hurting his family then he won't do anything to change and you and your kids will have to live with being hurt and being second best.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can produce extremely damaged kids who turn into damaged adults. It's all very well being supportive of your husband but there really is nothing you can do to change him or make him see things how you see them, he won't until drinking becomes a problem for him, until he suffers the consequences of his actions. Right now he has an empathetic wife and a boss who will drive his pregnant wife to the hospital, why should he bother changing?
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Old 10-25-2010, 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted by jennander1 View Post
I do not want my children to have an alcoholic as a father... but they already do, it will be something that he will battle for the rest of his life. I know that, and I am here to support him, he just does not want to admit that anything is wrong.
I felt the same way. What I didn't realize at the time was, as long as he didn't want sobriety, and I was 'supporting' him, I was supporting his alcoholism.

L
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:24 PM
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Didn't get a chance to talk to the doctor today... hubby was with me. Doctor is supposed to call me later to know about a possible induction date, because baby may be healthier outside than in. I'm kinda freaking out.
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:03 PM
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((((Hugs))))

Thinking about you and sending you positive thoughts!
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