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Old 10-15-2010, 05:54 PM
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I'm new

Today, I made the hardest decision in my life, I ended my relationship with my fiancÚ. It all started to go to hurt and pain in August when I went to visit family in the UK. My fiancÚ refused to come with me, he didn't have the money to and he wouldn't let me pay. While I was there, he was arrested for a DUI. He told me that he said "goodbye" to alcohol and he wasn't going to drink anymore. When I came home, I believed and trusted in him, in us. Then he started to drink and hide it from me. I told him that I would rather he didn't hide it, he told me that he wouldn't drink or if he did he wouldn't hide it. Because hiding it makes it much worse, in my opinion. Last week, he offered me $150 to go and buy a 6 pack. I refused and we ended that discussion. This morning as I was making our bed I found an empty bottle of cranberry juice, empty bottle of juice, and a bottle of vodka by his bag.

I told him when I came back from the UK, I wouldn't handle or tolerate any lies. This morning when I found the empty bottle of vodka my soul/spirit sunk so low. I wish that I could take it back and never have said the words that ended our relationship. I love this man with my entire being but I cannot take the pain of the lies with alcohol. I wish that he had chosen me. His drinking completely changed the course of our life, I was going to love and cherish him for my life. And yet, here I am alone wearing his tee shirt feeling lost and lonely.

I know that I have to stay true and strong. I can't help/love/support someone who will not support himself. I miss him but I really have to remember to love myself first.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts? Am I truly alone and broken? Can I not be loved? Why would someone chose alcohol over me?
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:25 PM
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Why would someone chose alcohol over me?

ala3037 - welcome!

Only an alcoholic chooses alcohol over a loved one. And they do so because they are addicted to alcohol.

Never ever underestimate the power of that addiction. And try as hard as you can not to get love all tangled up in there - or dissect their behavior as some kind of reflection on you! Ask any recovered alcoholic - before recovery, while actively drinking, they are incapable of love - they do not love themselves, they cannot love themselves, alcohol has their brain and heart in its grip.

It is not a measure of whether or not he loved you or you are loveable - it is a measure of the strength with which the addiction has control of his mind.

The book Under The Influence by Milgram & Ketchum helped me understand that about my father. It is a serious and fatal disease alcoholism.

Glad you are here - we're here for you (((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:26 PM
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I am so sorry for your disappointment and pain.

From where I sit, you show a great deal of wisdom, integrity (by sticking to your word), and courage.

Alcoholism is bigger than any of us...otherwise we wouldn't be here...
with alcohlism he has in a sense lost the power of choice..it is running his life
we talk about the three C's here:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.

It is heartbreaking to see our loved ones lose their lives into a bottle...but you are very wise to understand that it holds so much power that they will lie and unfortunately this will happen again and again because alcoholism is progressive it just keeps getting worse and worse.
It only gets better with abstinence and usually some sort of a recovery program.

And they will do that in their own time, not ours, if they are able to and willing to.

Many of us feel as or more hurt by the lies than the actual drinking. It's just a bad scene.

It most certainly is no reflection in any way, shape or form of your loveliness, attractiveness, goodness, virtue, commitment etc.

The hard truth is...it really isn't about you at all.
It's an isidous, cunning, baffling, powerful disease.

In time, when you have grieved and come to terms with the loss of this relationship, you will meet others and with your good judgement find someone who can be truly and fully engaged in a love relationship..

It will get better...promise!
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:33 PM
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(((hugs))) ala3037.
Keep coming here and reading and you will see it is nothing to do with you at all.
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Old 10-15-2010, 08:45 PM
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[QUOTE=ala3037;2738441]I know that I have to stay true and strong. I can't help/love/support someone who will not support himself. I miss him but I really have to remember to love myself first.

Yes, remember and keep loving yourself first. I lost that and am slowly gaining it back.

I lost the love for myself and have to remind myself everyday to help me get it back and I can't even love my AH so it really doesn't matter how much I might have loved him or might still love him, I am not loving him.

I know I am strong and have stayed strong but it's really courage I need to accept the things I cannot change.
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Old 10-15-2010, 10:32 PM
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You will see the sun again. And it will shine brighter. I promise.

Although its true we do not control others, one thing that is on our court is the people we chose to trust. I hope you can go to a therapist once you get back on your feet, so you never ever have to experience this pain again.

Your decision was a corageous one, I acknowledge that and applaud you for it. It takes guts. Many people stay in an abusive relation, or choose denial and keep on suffering and counting their losses. And as alcoholism has so close ties with violence, by the end, that fear is paid with life. As much as it hurts you are lucky you realized this before marrying. The wonderful people in this forum have suffered greatly and you saved yourself much pain.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Welcome and remember you are going through mourning, it will suck for a while but it will be over. This will make you stronger.

I broke up with an XABF 2 years ago. We work together but you know what ? it has really stopped being my concern. I am learning to like myself and love my life and go for what I truly want - I am whole in myself. I am currently busy thinking about my plans and potentials.

XABF promised the sky and stars, in the end he only gave me pain. Promised to change then did the same thing that hurt me over and over again. The last kick was going out with someone else almost right away and showing it off infront of me and common friends.

In our last conversation he said "now I can only strive not to commit the same mistakes"

I the fool got hurt by that comment. I believed he could change! just NOT for me! I believed he would be again the F i knew, charming, funny, friendly, relaxed and so many things which turned out to be gaslighting only.


2 years later? drinking the same or more. More, as he no longer arrives with a hangover to work. He arrives still drunk and is often asleep in his cubicle. I tell ya stay with them long enough and you'll go insane!


I ended up not knowing if something ever was real - that hurt a great deal. But, my idea of joy is not the same as his. "Same planet, different worlds"

Welcome to SR!
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Old 10-15-2010, 10:53 PM
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PS

No, my favorite drink is vanilla soy milk, not Jack Daniels whiskey.
No, my idea of intimacy goes a little beyond drunken, meaningless, objectifying sex.
No, my favorite CD is Cafe del Mar Vol 14. chill out music, not violent dark metal alternated with sexist jokes.
No, my favorite series is Law and order, not a dumb cartoon for teenagers when you are 30.
No, I don't consider South Park cool or funny.
No, my favorite sport is yoga, not "beer can lifting"
No, I like to construct stuff in life, be creative, not destroy myself at every single opportunity. And hurt others while I am at it.
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Old 10-16-2010, 04:39 AM
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From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so very much for the support and such kind/honest words. I am seeing a therapist to handle/help me. Thank you all for believing in me and my decision. As much as I regret it, I regret the choices that lead up to it. I wish that he had told me that he drank when we first met because I don't date anyone that drinks. No matter how little. I don't trust alcohol and I never have.

What I want is for him to get help and get healthy. Get that poison out of his body and mind. I want him to love himself. To respect himself and me. But here I am. What I want isn't the issue, it's what he wants and what he wants is a drink. I'm better then a drink. I'm better then pain. Just like all of you wrote, it will get better and I have to believe that I gave him nothing but love, trust, friendship and respect.

Thank you all again for giving me some strength and courage today. I will do my best to enjoy the day and not wrap myself in self-pity or doubt. Thank you, thank you.

Ala
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Old 10-16-2010, 04:45 AM
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A little about me:
I just turned 30. I'd rather read a book then watch TV but I do love watching TV series on DVD at my own pace. My favorite show is The Big Bang Theory. I have a beautiful goddaughter (age 7) and a niece (age 6) and I am so proud of them. We have monthly sleepovers. I don't have a huge group of friends but the ones I have I hold very close to my heart. I love tea. My favorite places in the world is New Zealand and Walt Disney World. PartyLite candles are my "guilty" pleasure. I believe that no matter what that life is a beautiful and there is happiness in it.
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