nodaybut2day

Nothing dramatic is happening. No one is dying or in tremendous pain. I just received yet another email from XAH, written from yet another newly created email address to defeat the block filters I have set up on my email accounts.

It's the same request: he wants to see his DD. He'll do anything, he'll change his schedule, he just wants to see his daughter.

I feel bad. I don't want to feel bad, but I do.

I feel some amount of guilt, perhaps because this email contains no threats or malice. It's just sad. It reminds me of how XAH was when he stopped seeing his 3rd son (he said he did this for my sake), and he missed him a great deal. I remember seeing that softer side of him and falling for it.

I also remember a great deal of other things about XAH that make me categorically push away the idea of letting him anywhere near DD, no matter what the law says.

Still, I feel a bit lonely in my decision. I don't feel as though I belong here anymore because XAH is almost completely gone out of my life. I also don't feel that I belong in the group of single mothers I'm in because I don't let XAH have visitation. There don't seem to be lots of support groups for "Ex partners of alcoholics/drug users who have chosen to kick them out of their lives for the sake of their children".

I guess it's just a "need a hug" kind of day.

SteppingUp

You've got one from me!

Fandy

for what it's worth, you've got my support. I often read here but do not post much, as i really don't belong to the group....I don't have an XAH...mine had a severe gambling addiction (he left me for the ponies, he preferred the horses to my company).

however, there are a lot of parallels and i find most of the detaching advice very helpful.

you are following a protective instinct based on his past behavior. maybe if he is still asking nicely in 3 months you can always grant a trial visit. however if he is fueling on his rage and wanting to get even, a visit could turn into an ugly circumstsance.

if he was truly obsessed with being a participating parent, he would get visitation rights with a lawyer and start putting his $$$ where his mouth is, no?

naive

and one from me too!

and of course you belong here!

naive

and i agree, if he'll do anything to see his daughter, then he can get sober, get a lawyer and pursue it in the courts. that's what a reasonable person would do.

Learn2Live

(((hugs))) noday.

JenT1968

no reasonable adult stops seeing their minor child "for the sake of" another adult, and then uses that to gain sympathy from that adult. This is BS of the highest order.

this situation is entirely of his making. there are avenues that he can explore to remedy them, but he isn't. Does he have your lawyer's name and address? ois he contacting him/her?

when you read his emails you feel bad, what can you do to stop feeling bad? -

p.s. i'm in the same "club" as you more or less, it has excellent members!

Fandy

I really like that phrase "BS of the Highest Order"....I can utilize that, thanks!

Live

He's feeling sorry for himself.
And that contributes WHAT to DD's welfare, health, happiness? Supports you as the mother with the full responsibility HOW?
It's Lame, No day!
It's not about her or about being a good father..it's about self pity, no matter how he parses it.
If he were truly sorry he would step up ...and that's not what he did..he fired off an email.
One that offered neither you nor her one thing valuable or useful.
There's a reason you keep him away from you, a very sound one...and this is yet another example of it.
This is further disrespect....forcing himself into your day by circumventing your efforts to be a strong, happy mother for your DD and yourself.
He's done nothing good here.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))0

coyote21

((((NDB2D)))). <<<<my first cyberhug. Um, kinda lame, much better f2f.

There are people in my Alanon group whose alcoholics have been dead for years, we haven't kicked them out yet.

You are still a single mom, right? Guess you still belong there.

Geez, look around here, I'd say you're in pretty good company. I kicked my alcoholic out of my life to protect my daughter from her own mom. Still kind of hard to wrap my head around that concept, so I get it.

I agree, I think you are just having one of "those" days. I bet 24 hours will cure this.

I'm not going to worry too much about your feeling human. It'll pass!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

coyote21

I know, I know....pick me, pick me!!!!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

naive

aside: must agree, BS of the highest order is quite good. i'm adopting that phrase too.

keepinon

TakingCharge999

Hi nodaybut2day! you belong, of course.

What did you do to improve your mood? or what are you going to do?

I guess I would answer "here is my lawyer's contact info" hit SEND and let the lawyer deal with him....


This man is not helpless and perhaps he could be already seeing the kid under legal terms, what bugs me is the denial and victimism (takes one to know one!) as if it was YOUR fault, while he fails to acknowledge or even realize why he is away from her in the first place.

Unable to see his own acts.


To me he sounds like those drunks that are still in the bar when everybody left. Nothing assures you he was not drunk when he wrote that. They can get so sentimental and you think its real, but no, its just another trap. Good for you for realizing that !!



You are a very good Mom and nothing this man does or does not do, nor any manipulation tricks he wants to pull, will take away this fact. Thanks for keeping her away from such madness.

coyote21

It feels good to "ask for what you need", and actually get it from everyone on here, huh?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

kia

*hugs* xxxxx

nodaybut2day

Aww shucks, you guys are awesome

FTR, he's got my lawyer's information, from when I had him served with custody proceedings. If he threw those out or burned them, that's not my problem. The only reason he knows I have sole custody now is because he broke into his son's email account and read my emails (and proceeded to forbid me to have contact with him), which I assume he did from the comfort of his own sofa, beer in hand.

To make myself feel better, I went and re-read my old posts here on SR and the many letters his mother sent me, looked at those pics of the house he willingly trashed to swindle his brother out of lots of cash, and then went to the YMCA for a good weight training workout.

It really cleared my head and made me realize that even though the email is sad and sappy, it still contains no evidence that XAH has found recovery and is improving his life to be a better father for DD. He's just doing what he does best: sitting on his butt, whining about how unfair life is. I'll *never* receive an email telling me he's been sober for 6 months or more, or that he's giving me permission to see the inside of his place or meet his roommate, because he doesn't think he's got a drinking problem, and he thinks he's a stellar dad.

Thanks again everyone. This thread just helped remind me why I keep coming back here.

ItsmeAlice

This thread just helped remind me why I keep coming back here.

Hope this means you also realize how you belong here as well.

For however long you need support you are welcome.

Remember the only admission requirement is the desire to give and receive the experience, strength, and hope that fills this forum.

You are able to look back now at your relationship and how you've moved on from it with more insight and understanding than those who are knee deep in their own troubles. You can shine your recovery light down to them and give them a helping hand out of the hole of addiction. It will enrich your own recovery every time you do

Alice

seekingcalm

Hugs to you Noday, of course you belong here. I have and continue to gain so much from your posts.

I will say this again, since you did appreciate it the first time...and this time it's for you, "Your exAH is simply living the consequences that his active alcoholism has brought upon him".

You are a wonderful mother!

dollydo

My exabf is long out of my life. I come here to try and support others who are reaching out for guidance and hugs.

I feel that we all need each other, please keep posting, you definately are an asset to this board.