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Need HELP!!!

Old 05-06-2010, 02:57 AM
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Need HELP!!!

I made mess again. I don't know if I should write this in another thread I have going on (Told AH I want a divorce), but I don't know what I'm doing and need some help ASAP.
This morning I woke up and went into bedroom (I don't sleep there any more) and I looked at AH, he was so skinny under the sheets, only bones and skin, and there was this small bloody stain on the pillow (?). I lost it, and started talking again he needs to see a doctor, he's killing himself, he has responsibility to our kids, and the rest, as you can imagine. He kept saying no, he doens't want to, he's not ready to do that.
I coulnd't bear the feelings of letting him continue killing himself. I told him I'm taking our son to the school, and when I come back I'm calling his mother and telling her everything, so he'll have her on his case. MIL is really in denial about whole thing + she didn't see him in a while, so she has no idea how he looks right now. But she is kind of person that makes everything about herself, so she's likely to get on his case to see a doctor and wouldn't let go.
So now I'm back home, he's gone out, and I'm thinking what am I doing here?
Do I really want to call her?
I don't know what to do.
I'm having a panic attack here and can't calm down.
A month ago I treathened to do same thing and he went angry with me ( he never usually does regardless of what I do) and told me I have no right to do that and upset his mum.
Which made me angry and I thought f*** you and your mother, I'm done with a lot of you.
But now I can not think clearly, it's like he's dieing and I'm dwelling whether I do I CPR or not, as that is how this feels like.
I'm getting crazy here. AM I being codie here or just human? What do I do???
Please help
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Old 05-06-2010, 03:27 AM
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Take a couple of deep breaths. Now what exactly do you think telling his mom will do? Do you think he will listen to her over you? No. All it will do is involve her in a situation that she can't control either. He has told you he doesn't want help. Without 100% determination from him, there is no hope. You cannot control it. His life is 100% out of your hands. Your options are to sit back and watch it happen before your eyes or leave. Occasionally losing a family is a slap in the face and may encourage him to seek help. Leaving him to fall flat may be his best chance. You do not need to simply watch it happen. Get yourself out of that environment. It is toxic to you and to your son. Follow through on the divorce. Good luck and remember this forum is here. Al-anon is near you and you are not alone.
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Old 05-06-2010, 03:40 AM
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Oh wow Im not sure what I can say here, but reading your post has really moved me. Such a tough situation.

I just want to give you a BIG HUG

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Old 05-06-2010, 03:43 AM
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Thank you Joe. You're right. You're so right it's making me cry. I have to take a step back and calm down. It's so damn hard.
I've also told him if he doesn't go to the doctors today he doesn't need to bother coming back here. Now that feels like I'm only making things harder for myself. I wanted to finish this on good terms, as I can't stand any more drama, but if he doesn't come back here any more that's not really finishing it on good terms, and it's harder on kids. Why am I such a idiot, why can't I keep my mouth shut when I know so much better? Why do I have to act on my emotions? Shouldn't have I known better by now?
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Old 05-06-2010, 04:03 AM
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Originally Posted by sesh View Post
I've also told him if he doesn't go to the doctors today he doesn't need to bother coming back here. Now that feels like I'm only making things harder for myself. I wanted to finish this on good terms.
Finishing on good terms means acceptance. Do not force him to do anything as a condition of that acceptance. He has grown numb to the threats anyways so they only hurt you when he fails yet again. Accept who he is and who he wants to be. This will make it easier for you to do what you know in your heart is the right decision for you and your son. Bright futures and calm relaxing evenings are awaiting.
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Old 05-06-2010, 04:25 AM
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Thanks Joe, what you just said made me realize I've only accepted it partially, like I've accepted he's in a total denial about his alcoholism, and thus will not stop, but I can't accept he's so close to literally killing himself right now. But you can't have partial acceptance of something, can you? You either accept something for what it is, or you don't. So I guess I haven't managed to put all the dots together just yet. Like he's always one step ahead of me.
And also you're so right when you said he's grown numb to threats. And I know it, and yet I keep making them. And the worst thing is I know I'm not going to get anywhere with it, I just go mental and can't control myself. And everytime it stars feeling like I've reached some peace and detached, I keep pulling myself back in.
I have to take this as a bump of my road to recovery and keep moving in a good direction.
I have to remove myself and our kids from this situation.
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by sesh View Post
I've accepted he's in a total denial about his alcoholism, and thus will not stop
Sesh I have to say I doubt he's in denial. Becasue of my own past experience with addiction and living with alcoholics in various stages, I think he knows exactly what's going on and has accepted his own fate. When you're appealing to him and he stares at you with blank looks he's thinking.. "she just doesn't get it". He has to know his current physical state is not good. This is the nature of addiction. He has given up and you and your kids are the real victims now. I didn't have the courage to watch Mel drink herself to death and not a jury in the world would convict you for sparing your kids that front row seat if you choose that path. You are in my thoughts.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:12 AM
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Thanks Jazz, I guess you must be right re: giving up. Only the blank stare is not even pointed at me but in some other direction and his hand covering half of his face (every time).
Maybe I even know allready what you're saying is true but just can't wrap my mind around it.
I kept talking and he said No.
I kept talking and he said NO again.
I kept talking and he said I'm not ready.
I kept talking and he turned his back on me and said nothing more.

And yet I still don't truly get it. So I keep asking myself WTF is wrong with me.
I have to make myself understand this and let go.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:33 AM
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From reading your post, it seems like what's triggering you is the idea that he's killing himself, or is in dire physical situation. I know that the threat of imminent death makes this a lot harder, but please try to remind yourself that as much as it is his life, it is also his death, however that may affect you. It is the ultimate loss of control, but it still falls within the realm of "I only have control over myself".

The only thing to do right now is to keep going forward with your plans of leaving and separating. Get yourself and your children away from his toxicity and indifference. They NEED a healthy mama.
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Old 05-06-2010, 09:07 AM
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Oh Sesh, I'm so sorry this is happening.

It is perfectly natural to want to shout at someone standing in front of an oncoming freight train. If that someone is a child our instinct is to rush in and snatch them from their impending doom and move them to safety.

But what of an adult???

When we make the decision to rush up and try to move an adult to safety we assume they won't resist. But what if they do?? What if they refuse us or fight us bitterly to stay on the tracks?? We may argue as long as we can with them, but do we stay with them and allow ourselves to remain in the train's path and die as well?? Or do we relent and let the adult do as they will.

As long as you stand there shouting, you are in the path of the oncoming train and so are your children. He is not budging and the train is not stopping.

I struggled with acceptance as we all do. I still find myself ruminating over things I could say to change the minds of others. It takes a mental effort to accept what we don't understand or see as logic. It's work, but it is a process that saves ourselves especially when others are insistent upon doing themselves inevitable harm. They have to learn their own way, even if it's the hard way.

Keep working through the process. Acceptance will come. Sometimes it's slow. Sometimes it's like a lightning bolt that jolts you out of bed, but it will come.

Wishing you serenity!
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:33 PM
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Sesh, I just want to say that I see a lot of myself in you and your situation. I too left and then took back my XAH many a time. Even after our divorce I tried to meddle, stay in contact, and enable. I gave him 15,000 because, like you said, I felt like I didn't care if it was enabling, I couldn't turn the father of my child out on the street, and I doubted his ability to provide for himself (nevermind that he has his law degree and ALL of his professional problems can be directly traced to his alcoholism, and that even without the ability to get a professional job, he has many things going for him--a talent for cooking food, experience in waiting tables, a personable demeanor when sober--that should ensure he could at least provide for himself if he wanted to).

Now, he's pissed away almost all of the money by drinking and gambling. He's pissed his sister off so much she won't let him stay there rent free anymore like she was willing to when he left the Salvation Army. I was feeling so much anxiety worrying about this that I finally went NC a few days ago. And I do feel better. I don't know what will happen to him, but I do know that it's not my fault. I too saw him looking at death's door on many occasions. I had to take away my front row seat, because it was killing me. It still doesn't feel good, but it does feel better not being an eye-witness to the madness anymore. I know you love him. I still love mine. I always will to a certain degree. But love ain't enough to save em, and sometimes, it kills em.
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Old 05-07-2010, 12:05 AM
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Hi Sesh - just checking in with ya .... hoping today has been better for you!
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Old 05-07-2010, 04:17 AM
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I just took my son to school and was looking forward coming here and thanking you for all your help yesterday and telling you I've managed to get myself back on the right track by yesterday afternoon. I was feeling positive, took what happened yestarday as marely a step back and felt ready to keep moving forward. I as at peace with myself and decision I made.
But just now before I posted here I read another thread: XABF died today, and that shivering feeling in my stomach is back again. I'm not changing my mind about ending the relationship, as I know it's a right thing to do, but I'm realizing I still have a long rocky way to go. There is so much more I have to learn to accept and let go of.

Like I said yesterday it feels like he's always one step ahead of me. Like I wanted to end it last September, there was no his health issues at the time like now, but I wasn't ready, I still hoped I can do something to make him realize, so I backed up. Now I'm ready to end the marriage, as I know in my heart this is not what I want, and it will never get better as we keep suffocating each other, but now the health thing is added to equasion and makes everything so much harder.

Nodaybut2day, you're right when you said: "as much as it is his life, it is also his death,"
I know you're right, and I know I have to work on it more so I really accept it.

And Mambo Queen, it is so beautiful what you said: "But love ain't enough to save em, and sometimes, it kills em."
It made me remeber something from Nietzsche (german philosopher):
"Those you cannot teach to fly, I pray to you, teach to fall faster... what falling, that shall one aslo push".
I guess in the river of life every man is for himself, and he can either drown or learn how to swim.
And yet I keep feeling like this is a battle and I'm leaving dying man behind. The way I am, if that was the real situation, I'd never do it. Even if I was sure that man can not be saved I'd stay until there is still a living breath inside of him.

I guess I'm at the point where I need to do a personal inventory, and revaluate all of my believes and convictions on life. Look at my own shotcomings and mistakes in order to make myself a better, heathier person.
The other day I read another thread here, I don't remember whose it was about trying not to be an over achiever. It was an aha moment for me. I never thought about it like that. I always thought that's how one must be. It made me look around my house and I thought WOW. Everything is neat and clean, except for my desk and my wardrobe. Those two things are proper mess. That gave me a lot to think about.

So I guess what I'm saying here is I have to revaluate everything, starting with small things, and keep moving slowly forward. I know there will be few steps back, but that's ok too, as finally I don't have to have it all figured out and done right away. I'm accepting there is no easy fix to this situation, and it is liberating.

So I came to understanding: my only real goal here is to work on myself, and the better I do in that area, everything else will follow.

Thank you all again. I can't even begin to explain how much your support means to me.
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