I just took my son to school and was looking forward coming here and thanking you for all your help yesterday and telling you I've managed to get myself back on the right track by yesterday afternoon. I was feeling positive, took what happened yestarday as marely a step back and felt ready to keep moving forward. I as at peace with myself and decision I made.
But just now before I posted here I read another thread: XABF died today, and that shivering feeling in my stomach is back again. I'm not changing my mind about ending the relationship, as I know it's a right thing to do, but I'm realizing I still have a long rocky way to go. There is so much more I have to learn to accept and let go of.
Like I said yesterday it feels like he's always one step ahead of me. Like I wanted to end it last September, there was no his health issues at the time like now, but I wasn't ready, I still hoped I can do something to make him realize, so I backed up. Now I'm ready to end the marriage, as I know in my heart this is not what I want, and it will never get better as we keep suffocating each other, but now the health thing is added to equasion and makes everything so much harder.
Nodaybut2day, you're right when you said: "as much as it is his life, it is also his death,"
I know you're right, and I know I have to work on it more so I really accept it.
And Mambo Queen, it is so beautiful what you said: "But love ain't enough to save em, and sometimes, it kills em."
It made me remeber something from Nietzsche (german philosopher):
"Those you cannot teach to fly, I pray to you, teach to fall faster... what falling, that shall one aslo push".
I guess in the river of life every man is for himself, and he can either drown or learn how to swim.
And yet I keep feeling like this is a battle and I'm leaving dying man behind. The way I am, if that was the real situation, I'd never do it. Even if I was sure that man can not be saved I'd stay until there is still a living breath inside of him.
I guess I'm at the point where I need to do a personal inventory, and revaluate all of my believes and convictions on life. Look at my own shotcomings and mistakes in order to make myself a better, heathier person.
The other day I read another thread here, I don't remember whose it was about trying not to be an over achiever. It was an aha moment for me. I never thought about it like that. I always thought that's how one must be. It made me look around my house and I thought WOW. Everything is neat and clean, except for my desk and my wardrobe. Those two things are proper mess. That gave me a lot to think about.
So I guess what I'm saying here is I have to revaluate everything, starting with small things, and keep moving slowly forward. I know there will be few steps back, but that's ok too, as finally I don't have to have it all figured out and done right away. I'm accepting there is no easy fix to this situation, and it is liberating.
So I came to understanding: my only real goal here is to work on myself, and the better I do in that area, everything else will follow.
Thank you all again. I can't even begin to explain how much your support means to me.