nodaybut2day

tpen...like an alcoholic is craving his booze, a codie is craving the drama of his or her relationship. You've just got cold turkey with your drug of choice--your girlfriend, and your brain is in freak-out withdrawal mode. It's ok. It's normal. Remember that HP has you and is in the driver's seat. Be kind to yourself and find something to distract yourself with!

tpen

nodaybut2day, thank you. I think it has passed. I spent some time researching why she was using clonazepam and it got my mind of checking on her. Still obsessed with wanting more answers as with the clonazepam.

Last night at the Al Anon meeting a person said they snort these pills mostly likely, or that 80% off people getting prescriptions for them are substance abusers. I'm just so scared that she was also using drugs.

Hoping to get better tonight as this was my first spiral downward today.

posiesperson

tpen, I've been there, done that...just what noday said. I remember having such deep "cravings" to call/e-mail/check FB/SOMETHING. I hung on to what the posters here told me, and it was invaluable. I'll always remember anvil's story about thinking about duct taping a mallet to the phone to hit myself over the head with it when I wanted to call!!! I laughed out loud when I read those words, and knew that my pain and craving was well understood. Maybe you could tape the mallet to your keyboard??!

It will pass as you take things one moment at a time. It gets easier...find all the support you can for focusing on YOU...at least, that has worked WONDERS for me.

Breathe deep,
posie

tpen

I'm going to ask one more question. Please don't get mad at me as I'm going on 20 hours of NC and feel great about it. However, I still have not defeated the thoughts, or unanswered questions.

If I may, I'd like to ask one: Why would she cough repeatedly immediately after getting out of the shower?

posiesperson

Um, tpen, I have no idea about the coughing thing, but I have to wonder if you're still looking for evidence that she's got addiction issues? Does it really matter if she's coughing when she gets out of the shower?

A friend of mine in recovery for 8 years was the first one to say to me, "How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving."

You'll never get the truth and there's nothing you can do about it. Yup, hurts like hell. Worked well for me to tend to my pain in the most acute phases...and I still do. I cry about my A almost every day and yet at the same time I'm "getting a life". I have new friends through Alanon, and I feel good about myself for the first time in a very, very long time.

My advice is to stop thinking about her coughing or anything else she did in this relationship that has ended...it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and never will. Now you have a life to live, and you can make it everything you want it to be. You can be free of it all!

Hang in there, you're doing great with working to go NC! It won't hurt forever, but will comes in waves that are sometimes really intense--but they will pass. Breathe deep and take care of yourself,
posie

tpen

Ok, I agree. Didn't really want to know anyways as I'm would of been in shock for being clueless if it was. I'm doing better today everyone and plan on having a good night. Take care and know I'm smiling at all of you for the care through this forum.

coffeedrinker

i'm a little confused about this statement.
made all of what happen?

i hope you aren't taking responsibility for what she is doing today.

and about "the right to". of course you did, but not only that, you needed to. remember how sick you felt when you were in the relationship?
that was worse than this is.


and, i just read something about 4 years. oh my goodness, i didn't know you were with her for that long. that is a toughie to break. in a weird way, 4 years might be harder than 14. or 24. what i mean is, by the time we hit those higher numbers, i think we are often so darned sick of our spouse/partner, that it's sheer relief. 4 years you were probably still living in the fantasy of what was to come when you guys really got everything straightened out.

at least it has been my experience.

tpen

Thanks CoffeeDrinker. What I meant was broke the relationship off due to the myspace chatting with other guys. If I had not, we would still be together. But your right, there was no love being shown from her. I was just beating myself up.

In away I am taking responsibility and that is 100% wrong after rereading it.

Was only with her 20 months and it was a long distance relationship of 5 hours. The four years was a typo? Or I meant since my divorce.

coffeedrinker

tpen,

can you believe that she is defective?

what is it about this statement that causes you to feel so badly?

YOU did not bring dishonor upon either one of you; she did this all on her own.


for me, i have sought validation from many, many people in my life: my father, my ex-husband, my current relationship man, my supervisors. i have found (although not all the way there yet!) that when i believe in myself, really love myself, and accept myself for the flawed yet beautiful person i am, i'm much better off.

tpen

Why no apologies? There used to be when we fought over a year ago. I'm still moving forward but do think every few hours again about things.

nodaybut2day

hi tpen...I hope you are doing good this morning. Please post to let us know how things are in your world!

Also, I just wanted to post something that really helped me get through the "What? How? When? WHere?! WHY??!!" phase of leaving my alcoholic husband. If you ever want to know a bit about my story you can click on my nick...but to make a long convoluted story short, my husband was a liar. Many SR members can attest to that tall tales he told me. He lied about his entire past and then some. To this day, I don't know if or what drugs he used, what crimes he perpetrated, what women he had sex with, what he did with the money he stole from me, etc. I tried and tried to snoop, to control, to threaten, to manipulate to find out "the Truth", but after a while it felt like trying to untangle a horribly tangled ball of yarn:



You probably don't knit, but as a knitter, let me tell you that sometimes, it's best to throw your hands up, put the mess away and start another project. Now I'm not saying that you need to take up another addict as a "project", just that sometimes, for the sake of your sanity and well-being, the tangled ball of yarn just isn't worth it.

I hope the imagery helps a bit as you journey through this important period of your life.

tpen

Thanks for listening and replying. I'm trying and this certainly helps. I was down and out this am. Will keep you posted.

I have a birthday coming up this week. Not going to put hope in the day, but will rejoice I am healthy alive and feel my heart!!!!!

IamSaved

7

Go out with some friends, and CELEBRATE!!!

tpen

Update - I checked her online status this afternoon - arghhhh! Starting over again.

More importantly another oddity occured after work. I get a phone call from her mother asking me if I left a voicemail on her cellphone, not my XGF's cellphone. My reply, no, last time we talked was during easter. She insisted I did, I'm like no. So we had a brief talk and she stated XGF never cheated on me. My reply, you may be right but there was no respect or honesty. Feel proud to have said that.

The odd thing, you would of think she would of asked how I was doing since we did have a good talk on Easter about it all. She felt I was wise to move on. My inner sense feels I was being checked on by XGF. Oddities and drama are past memory. Just too ironic.

Duped

Without respect or honesty there is ZERO basis for any kind of relationship. The whole time you will feel that something empty, that there is something missing and elusive at all times in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic.

tpen

Even her Mother calling and stating I call her. Either she's lying, or I'm lying and I know I'm not because I did not call her. These oddities are incredible! I'm almost in disbelief! Why is her Mother involved?

IamSaved

Here's the thing, tpen. And I'm saying this with an honest heart, from someone who has walked in your shoes. And not too long ago, I may add.

None of this is helping you, and analyzing it to death will never give you the answers you crave. Let's suppose your XAGF called you. You asked her EVERY question you have. Every single one, and she answered every one. Would it help? Would you believe her? Would it mend your broken, shattered heart?

No, it wouldn't. Because, once you hung up, there are ALWAYS more questions!



It's time to stop the madness. Are you a Christian? Get your bible out, and read some verses from Our Father about love, His UNFAILING LOVE. That is the only perfect love in the world. If you have questions, the answers are there, in His word.

Stop banging your head against the wall. Stop chasing her, stop worrying about who is involved, how they are involved, what all this stuff means. Change your phone number, block her from your FB, your myspace, and STOP CHECKING UP ON HER. She has moved on, and it is your time to do the same. This is not helping you. It only spirals you down farther into the pit. Don't you realize, the evil one is at work here? Satan himself is the one behind your obsessive need to check her myspace, email, online presence. The evil one uses the internet for EVIL!

I understand your pain, your heartache, your need for closure. But sometimes, we just don't get that. We don't get closure, so we have to make our own. Don't torture yourself any further, and do NOT give the enemy any more ammunition! He is a sneaky one, and he has infiltrated your life.

Praying for you tpen, that you will reach up, and take the Father's hand and let him lead you out of the pit! There is victory waiting for you! Grab hold!

littlefish

Mother might be involved because your exgf has turned her mother into a codie. You can see the manipulation in this, right?

The second highly probable situation is that your exgf's mom has problems, maybe alcoholism or addiction issues of her own.

Mom has no business calling you in that impolite manner.
And, she is lying if she insists that you called when you KNOW you didn't.
She has no business involving herself in your relationship issues. That is none of her business.

She sounds like toxic person #2 that you need to go no-contact with!

You are doing really well, but all this checking up is not any good for you.

My husband never checked up on me when my drinking was at my worst. He already knew that my life had become unmanageable and he had enough confidence in his own good judgement to know he didn't need to become a detective.

You have made really good decisions here; most people would not need hyper validation, but the codie mentality will always have you doubting your own best decisions. You've done good, you have no reason to doubt your judgement.

tpen

I think you are right - thank you. This board has been so valuable and makes all the right sense because others have gone down the same road. So thank you, thank you!

Challenge #2 - NC with her Mother.

Truly has become a battle. Keep posting here as I always move two steps forward after reading. Hoping to regain strength and faith that was lost yesterday in myself!

IamSaved

tpen, Call your cell provider today and change your number! An EXCELLENT way to go NC!