Stop communicating with her?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Tpen..since we are at the same points..let me share what I feel now..contact was broken after a month by him. I missed him during that time. But in 3 sentences I see nothing has changed. He is still the same and now I want to go back to no contact. It was more peaceful. I knew exactly what was going on when there was no contact... This was my HPs way of making me see the light. My hubby is no longer there..the A is still there.. His message didnt ask how I was..he was worried aboutmy taxes...NOTHING has changed. And it never will unless he recovers and as the poem posted in the sticky files says..
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by littlefish 
Mother might be involved because your exgf has turned her mother into a codie. You can see the manipulation in this, right?
The second highly probable situation is that your exgf's mom has problems, maybe alcoholism or addiction issues of her own.
Mom has no business calling you in that impolite manner.
And, she is lying if she insists that you called when you KNOW you didn't.
She has no business involving herself in your relationship issues. That is none of her business.
She sounds like toxic person #2 that you need to go no-contact with!
You are doing really well, but all this checking up is not any good for you.
My husband never checked up on me when my drinking was at my worst. He already knew that my life had become unmanageable and he had enough confidence in his own good judgement to know he didn't need to become a detective.
You have made really good decisions here; most people would not need hyper validation, but the codie mentality will always have you doubting your own best decisions. You've done good, you have no reason to doubt your judgement.
The second highly probable situation is that your exgf's mom has problems, maybe alcoholism or addiction issues of her own.
Mom has no business calling you in that impolite manner.
And, she is lying if she insists that you called when you KNOW you didn't.
She has no business involving herself in your relationship issues. That is none of her business.
She sounds like toxic person #2 that you need to go no-contact with!
You are doing really well, but all this checking up is not any good for you.
My husband never checked up on me when my drinking was at my worst. He already knew that my life had become unmanageable and he had enough confidence in his own good judgement to know he didn't need to become a detective.
You have made really good decisions here; most people would not need hyper validation, but the codie mentality will always have you doubting your own best decisions. You've done good, you have no reason to doubt your judgement.
Guaranteed the mother is a codie and likely has been filled with a load of nonsense about tpen. That happened to me as well. It's all part of the denial and the blame shifting.
The ex alcoholic spouse/partner will always have a very tough time explaining to people why the kind, caring person in their life was compelled to turn her/his back, go no contact and simply walk away.
It's amazing the outright lies the alcoholic will tell, and more amazing still, the people who will buy into the crap and even perpetuate it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I have been waiting for, and have wasted 5 years of my life not getting a SORRY. Instead it just kept coming, the lies...andthe lies became elaborate. The double life became insane.
There is a mechanism in you that is requiring this closure, and in health it does not require her.
In dysfunction, you NEED her to engage.
I KNOW because I am there, still. I am seeing how sick he is now. I met him 9 years ago. We had our son 5 years ago. I have been waiting for him to pick it up and get it together. HE WILL NOT!
Please try to move on, consider this relationship a great lesson from the universe.
If you pursue her, and she caves in, you will be manipulated beyond logic. She is an addict, and she is looking for the "greener pastures" of someone who does not know her secret, and who will expect nothing, and who will fall for her, until they dont anymore, and they wont, eventually. And then she will go to "greener, greener pastures.."
YOU need your own greener pastures.
I am really TRYING to love him from afar. I am telling myself everyday,"What a neat person he was in my life. But its over, now. "
I am trying. Keep at it! You are here, and thats a big step!
There is a mechanism in you that is requiring this closure, and in health it does not require her.
In dysfunction, you NEED her to engage.
I KNOW because I am there, still. I am seeing how sick he is now. I met him 9 years ago. We had our son 5 years ago. I have been waiting for him to pick it up and get it together. HE WILL NOT!
Please try to move on, consider this relationship a great lesson from the universe.
If you pursue her, and she caves in, you will be manipulated beyond logic. She is an addict, and she is looking for the "greener pastures" of someone who does not know her secret, and who will expect nothing, and who will fall for her, until they dont anymore, and they wont, eventually. And then she will go to "greener, greener pastures.."
YOU need your own greener pastures.
I am really TRYING to love him from afar. I am telling myself everyday,"What a neat person he was in my life. But its over, now. "
I am trying. Keep at it! You are here, and thats a big step!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi tpen
two links that help me:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
I thought I was alone and no one would get me but those links see it all as a pathology for alkie and codie. It helps to see the psychology behind it, at least in my experience it all fits.
Addicts seek others right away because the addiction can't go on if there is room for introspection.
who will invite the drink?
who will "make it normal"?
who will smile at her now?
who will distract her from the pain of a separation?
who will satisfy her immediate needs?
who will put her on a pedestal now and make her feel good about herself?
who will drive when she can't stand up?
Yes the addict I met once also traded all the ppl that cared for a younger "party" crowd, and also we were treated by enemies, it was all messed up and certainly I don't miss that hell.
Been NC a year and a half.
I decided to stay at my job, so, I often see the guy or overhear him, sometimes actually interact.
A year and a half later he still boasts about how much beer he is able to drink.
A year and a half later he still can't look me at the eye when I pass.
A year and a half later: his friends say he is becoming more responsible because he managed not to arrive drunk to work at 9 am a couple of days.
Its just alcoholism and its progression and its out of anyone's control. I learned this in SR and reading the stickies. And it gets much easier, the first weeks months or years..... it is horrible but once one start seeing the truth it gets much better!!!!
Personally I have always chosen unavailable ppl for this or that. .Now I am seeing a relation in honesty and see many many things I still got to fix within myself.
I still feel strange accepting good things in my life. Anyway once you start the focus on yourself you'll realize there is much work to do and much to experiment and much to learn, and what alkies or ex's do stops being important or relevant, it happens organically, no extra efforts needed. Anyway its also boring, they are in a bar drinking feeling like the Gods and Goddesses of this Universe. How special and unique they are and how no one gets them. Dying a little every night. And morning like XABF.
There are ppl that suffer horrible diseases at 38. Sometimes I wonder if XABF perhaps has 10 more years to live given his constant abuse? when I feel angry or want revenge I just remember: we will all die someday. And I think we all feel, when we are after God in the next life..what we made others feel... because God habitates in all of us.
That is why we need to improve, because each day and word and thought and action towards others or ourselves is like our daily offering to God....
Anyway I wish you the best and it gets better. And its true no one ever will replace you as a human in this planet, so stop thinking its even possible
PS to be "elected" by a worsening alcoholic is seldom a compliment, its like they can identify easy pray or someone naive enough to buy their particularly exquisite acting skills. I wish they all went to Hollywood and made good movies instead of wreak havoc anywhere they go. But no, poor Californians.
Current partners of our ex's today are the SR newbies of tomorrow.
two links that help me:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
I thought I was alone and no one would get me but those links see it all as a pathology for alkie and codie. It helps to see the psychology behind it, at least in my experience it all fits.
Addicts seek others right away because the addiction can't go on if there is room for introspection.
who will invite the drink?
who will "make it normal"?
who will smile at her now?
who will distract her from the pain of a separation?
who will satisfy her immediate needs?
who will put her on a pedestal now and make her feel good about herself?
who will drive when she can't stand up?
Yes the addict I met once also traded all the ppl that cared for a younger "party" crowd, and also we were treated by enemies, it was all messed up and certainly I don't miss that hell.
Been NC a year and a half.
I decided to stay at my job, so, I often see the guy or overhear him, sometimes actually interact.
A year and a half later he still boasts about how much beer he is able to drink.
A year and a half later he still can't look me at the eye when I pass.
A year and a half later: his friends say he is becoming more responsible because he managed not to arrive drunk to work at 9 am a couple of days.
Its just alcoholism and its progression and its out of anyone's control. I learned this in SR and reading the stickies. And it gets much easier, the first weeks months or years..... it is horrible but once one start seeing the truth it gets much better!!!!
Personally I have always chosen unavailable ppl for this or that. .Now I am seeing a relation in honesty and see many many things I still got to fix within myself.
I still feel strange accepting good things in my life. Anyway once you start the focus on yourself you'll realize there is much work to do and much to experiment and much to learn, and what alkies or ex's do stops being important or relevant, it happens organically, no extra efforts needed. Anyway its also boring, they are in a bar drinking feeling like the Gods and Goddesses of this Universe. How special and unique they are and how no one gets them. Dying a little every night. And morning like XABF.
There are ppl that suffer horrible diseases at 38. Sometimes I wonder if XABF perhaps has 10 more years to live given his constant abuse? when I feel angry or want revenge I just remember: we will all die someday. And I think we all feel, when we are after God in the next life..what we made others feel... because God habitates in all of us.
That is why we need to improve, because each day and word and thought and action towards others or ourselves is like our daily offering to God....
Anyway I wish you the best and it gets better. And its true no one ever will replace you as a human in this planet, so stop thinking its even possible
PS to be "elected" by a worsening alcoholic is seldom a compliment, its like they can identify easy pray or someone naive enough to buy their particularly exquisite acting skills. I wish they all went to Hollywood and made good movies instead of wreak havoc anywhere they go. But no, poor Californians.
Current partners of our ex's today are the SR newbies of tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
TakingCharge....
I want to thank you for your last post. Amazing, powerful stuff. You are so right, the partners of our x's are the newbies of SR. Pray for them, all of them.
You inspire me, thank you for your kind words! We all need to hear them, straight up, that WE are not the defects, and be the 'chosen' one of an addict is no prize.
Praying for you in your recovery, you are doing great!!!!
I want to thank you for your last post. Amazing, powerful stuff. You are so right, the partners of our x's are the newbies of SR. Pray for them, all of them.
You inspire me, thank you for your kind words! We all need to hear them, straight up, that WE are not the defects, and be the 'chosen' one of an addict is no prize.
Praying for you in your recovery, you are doing great!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Addicts seek others right away because the addiction can't go on if there is room for introspection.
who will invite the drink?
who will "make it normal"?
who will smile at her now?
who will distract her from the pain of a separation?
who will satisfy her immediate needs?
who will put her on a pedestal now and make her feel good about herself?
who will drive when she can't stand up?
Yes the addict I met once also traded all the ppl that cared for a younger "party" crowd, and also we were treated by enemies, it was all messed up and certainly I don't miss that hell.
who will invite the drink?
who will "make it normal"?
who will smile at her now?
who will distract her from the pain of a separation?
who will satisfy her immediate needs?
who will put her on a pedestal now and make her feel good about herself?
who will drive when she can't stand up?
Yes the addict I met once also traded all the ppl that cared for a younger "party" crowd, and also we were treated by enemies, it was all messed up and certainly I don't miss that hell.
Now of course, she blames me for not being there for her anymore. It all got turned around, even though it was of her own doing.
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Addicts seek others right away because the addiction can't go on if there is room for introspection.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Well yesterday I was trying to get distracted and I saw a comment in Facebook of XABF's GF congratulating who was a "common friend".. I just saw the name and their picture hugging, smiling and I cried as if it was Day 1. Deleted said friend without explanation... then I read what I wrote here and I wish I felt nothing!
Note to self, leave bringing up the dead to Jesus and Lazarus.
The trick is to go NC also with common friends or anyone who shares the same first name even LOL, identify the triggers and run away for the hills. And if for some reason one still has to have contact, to remember the "prize". Is it really a prize??
Also one trick that helps, for me instead of my mind going "they are happy and you are not and you are so much less pretty and not fun at all yadda yadda" I try to think its easy to smile and laugh.. when one is drunk!
Reality sucks many times but at least its reality, the only place where one can actually change or learn something and live something new.....
Hugs!! hope you are well.. it really does help talking about it with ppl who get it...
Note to self, leave bringing up the dead to Jesus and Lazarus.
The trick is to go NC also with common friends or anyone who shares the same first name even LOL, identify the triggers and run away for the hills. And if for some reason one still has to have contact, to remember the "prize". Is it really a prize??
Also one trick that helps, for me instead of my mind going "they are happy and you are not and you are so much less pretty and not fun at all yadda yadda" I try to think its easy to smile and laugh.. when one is drunk!
Reality sucks many times but at least its reality, the only place where one can actually change or learn something and live something new.....
Hugs!! hope you are well.. it really does help talking about it with ppl who get it...
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
At what point could I expect a call/txt from her? Today is my birthday and I was nervous it would happen. Or, will it be when her BF is bored with her. Will she call just because they miss us, or miss controlling us?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Happy bday !!
If you change your # it wont matter, your serenity wont depend on her as you know youll never get a call from her in that #.
If you block her whatever she says in an email wont matter.
that is the goal right? for her to have NO IMPACT in our life?
It took me months to block him and delete his pictures.. I resisted it... but in the end it was for the best, I blocked him and got some power back with that action. Like I was protecting myself from more harm.
From what I have seen here, when active addicts contact anyone it is because they need to get something out of the person. Love?? don't think so. True apologies? LOL!
PS I just got contacted because XABF did something wrong yesterday and I am pointing out the problem. They are fixing it now. Funny how I'm still fixing his messes
!!If you change your # it wont matter, your serenity wont depend on her as you know youll never get a call from her in that #.
If you block her whatever she says in an email wont matter.
that is the goal right? for her to have NO IMPACT in our life?
It took me months to block him and delete his pictures.. I resisted it... but in the end it was for the best, I blocked him and got some power back with that action. Like I was protecting myself from more harm.
From what I have seen here, when active addicts contact anyone it is because they need to get something out of the person. Love?? don't think so. True apologies? LOL!
PS I just got contacted because XABF did something wrong yesterday and I am pointing out the problem. They are fixing it now. Funny how I'm still fixing his messes
7:dayMember
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I am a recovering alcoholic and codependent to 3 active alcoholic brothers.
I was talking to an AA friend the other day and I told him that I am so tired of being disappointed. I always wanted my brothers to act like brothers, but they never did.
They never supported me, cherished me, cared for me.
When I was a child, (I am the youngest), they thought it was funny when I got lost, or hurt. They physically abused me.
The most difficult challenge, all these years later, is to let go of my expectations. They never were and never will be good brothers. I have to accept that.
I think that is the crux of the codependent dilemna, letting go of those expectations. I keep hoping.....they keep disappointing.
But, I can choose to let them hurt me, or I can choose to stick to my boundaries.
I was talking to an AA friend the other day and I told him that I am so tired of being disappointed. I always wanted my brothers to act like brothers, but they never did.
They never supported me, cherished me, cared for me.
When I was a child, (I am the youngest), they thought it was funny when I got lost, or hurt. They physically abused me.
The most difficult challenge, all these years later, is to let go of my expectations. They never were and never will be good brothers. I have to accept that.
I think that is the crux of the codependent dilemna, letting go of those expectations. I keep hoping.....they keep disappointing.
But, I can choose to let them hurt me, or I can choose to stick to my boundaries.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You are so right, littlefish.
Things that hurt:
Expectations.
Comparisons.
Imagination about others lives.
Wishful thinking.
What DOESNT hurt:
Gratitude.
Breathing deeply.
Sunshine.
Counting our blessings.
Trust in God and his protection.
Gut feelings and intuition.
Things that hurt:
Expectations.
Comparisons.
Imagination about others lives.
Wishful thinking.
What DOESNT hurt:
Gratitude.
Breathing deeply.
Sunshine.
Counting our blessings.
Trust in God and his protection.
Gut feelings and intuition.
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
It was a comfortable, sunny day for me. Thank you all for the support, love and prayers through this chapter of my life.
How about this be the last post for this thread? I'll post another when I need support. Until then.........I'm heading down a road with yellow flowers on each side. Woo Hoo.
How about this be the last post for this thread? I'll post another when I need support. Until then.........I'm heading down a road with yellow flowers on each side. Woo Hoo.
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