Stop communicating with her?
 

Thank you to those you have shared their experiences as I am understanding the answer to the question I have. I don't know the abbreviations, so please correct me where necessary.

Have been involved in a serious relationship for 20 months. Was told 4 months ago by her that she was a recovering alcholic, did not like who she was when she drank, and wanted help from me. For me to also stop. I drank with her, but have always drank socially when going out. We have had repeated breakups and fights and I had never fully understood why. I now realize what was causing the problems and am upset with myself for buying her wine twice. I have broken up with her stating I cannot trust her and want honesty in my relationship. I told her I loved her and hoped for a miracle.

My heartache and question in one is: I want to continually have communication with her because I miss her so much, but do know inside it is the wrong thing to do as she knows I care. How do I stop and walk away when I care and love her so much, or was committed to her?.

Am now observering XGF frequenting myspace alot during the day. It tears me up to know that she is communicating with a man so soon after I broke it off. I sit her and wonder why?

Hi and welcome!

Do not take it personally. Most will look for a replacement fast. Mine did, but I did not know about it for a long time.

No contact is the best and only thing that worked for me : ) hang in there!

Thanks for the reply.

She is coming to town to visit relatives for Easter and staying there. Should I leave town? So afraid of the encounter, and then also so mad at her interest in myspace since I broke it off.

Was doing great today - then saw her login and its been so hard to think.

I have prayed for that and at times feel I am on my way. Then, this incredible feeling (satan) comes over to login and check. I check because I want to confirm my suspicions, but also to see if she is trying to improve for the positive.

Am I showing no love if I don't communicate with her? Or, does she already know?

I appreciate the responses being new and am learning.

No communication at this point - I agree. Do I eventually communicate, or allow her to communicate? How will I ever know if she changes? Or, am I supposed to never be with her again?

That's got to be one of the best Freudian slips I've ever seen, lol.:rotfxko

Sorry tpen, I'm not making light of your situation, but we have to laugh when we can.

L

How about just doing what works for you today, and not worry about tomorrow until it gets here? :)

L

Simple answer and always true with everything. Thanks!!! Whew, I can cast away those worries.

Liver:c011:

April Fools Day is always a joy for me. Thanks everyone for today's insight on here and other posts.

tpen

I went NC with my XABF, and have been for 8 weeks now.

I went through exactly the same feelings and things you are. I checked his email, and found him on adultfriendfinder and blackcrush.com. Both of those sites are sickening, and made me feel small, empty and worthless! How could he run to some sex sites, while I'm sitting here wallowing in my pain OVER HIM? Over US? over losing him?

It got easier. I am no longer compelled to check up on him. I haven't done it in over a month. If he finds a replacement for me (which, he NEVER WILL!), then Go, be gone! I deserve better, and I will never allow myself to be led down that road again. Let him be someone elses' problem.

I pray for him everyday, but I no longer pray for him to be fixed FOR ME.

Stay strong, go NC, and start spending time with yourself. What do you like to do? Have you isolated yourself from friends that you haven't seen because of the A? Rekindle old friendships, go out for coffee, walk around the block...enjoy YOUR life, and what YOU want!

Hugs and Peace!

NC is really the best way to go. The longer you are away from the A, the better you feel. Life starts to make sense, you start to find yourself, and they become a distant memory!

I am saved - thank you so much. This is helping. I was doing great through much of today. Even after someone told in this post to not look. I did again, to find out more things that hurt. I hate falling for the trap!

I thought the same thing today on the prayer. I have been praying for her to get fixed to come back to me. Rather, it should simply be to see God's grace for her - that is it!

NC - I want to. Just still so many questions. Like, does she miss me? What about her kids do they question her about me?

I brought the best to the table, but feel like it just piled up and was never looked at, let alone ate.

One of the things that is hardest to deal with is the fact that sometimes, we just never get answers to our questions. Learning to be okay with that is tough, but it can be done. Like someone else said, the longer you are away from her and all that chaos, the more clearly you will begin thinking and the more you'll realize how much better life can be. :grouphug:

LTD and anvil, choked on my ice cream reading "Liver"!! LOL. It's getting downright dangerous to eat or drink while I'm on this forum!! :)

tpen, welcome! I'm pretty new here too, and I've found all kinds of experience, strength and hope. As I've posted before I'm in the midst of a 1 month break from my A. I've spent the month trying to surround myself with positive people, enjoying my time alone and cleaning up my house. I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel. I still feel sad and scared sometimes but overall I'm enjoying my life.

But I recognize myself in your words, too...I've checked Facebook and felt the pain in my gut, I've had to keep myself away from the phone for a day, an hour, a moment at a time. In the beginning I was praying in the morning to please get through TODAY w/o putting myself into a more difficult and painful place by going onto FB or making a call, or sending an e-mail I'd regret. I went to Alanon (still do--2 meetings a week!), got myself a sponsor, called friends I could trust and asked them to be there for me so that I could dial their number instead of my A's number, got on this forum every time I wanted to visit FB, made a list of the things I DON'T miss about my A (which believe me, without fail, has been powerful EVERY SINGLE TIME I wanted to contact my A--I'd read the list first and the desire was GONE).

You can do this tpen. And even if you do have contact you can decide at any point in time to go NC with her. There's so much support here, keep posting. Hang in there and be good to yourself!

posie

tpen,

It's so easy to keep checking on them, wanting to see some GLIMMER of hope that they miss you, love you, validate you and want you back. Instead, what we find are more questions. Why are they doing this? Why don't they miss me? Why aren't they working harder to get me back? Why aren't they thinking about me? Did I mean nothing? Was I so easy to replace?

And on and on and on the questions will go until you drive yourself batty!

:wild

The prayer I have for me XA is not that he be saved to come back to me. It is that he be saved for HIMSELF! HE must accept Christ. HE must accept that he has to put this all in God's loving hands, and ask to be saved. If he doesn't, no matter how long, hard or often I pray for him to be fixed, it will never happen.

Same goes for your A. You can continue to pray for her salvation, for her healing. But praying for her to be 'fixed' to come back to you, that I am afraid will remain unanswered. If we only had the power...

tpen, trust in this. The questions you keep wanting answers to are pretty clear now. Does she miss you? Probably not. Active addicts do NOT process emotion like we do. They can't. They just don't have the capacity to feel, or love like we do. They may miss controlling us, and think it's a HUGE PARTY now that we are gone. They replace us with meaningless affairs or sexual partners because they need to have someone to numb their pain.

We don't get that luxury. We get to feel our pain. We don't numb our pain, we just have to work our way through it, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. And once you get out of the swirling vortex of their addiction, the sun does come out. You do find peace, and you will find that what you thought you needed to know, is no longer important!

Stop torturing yourself by worrying and wondering about her. Start doing for YOU, and making a new life for yourself! That is true healing! You can do it!

Thank God it is Good Friday, and a fast day....so I have no tucker in my mouth today, to choke on when "someone" does something hysterically funny.

Liver???? Oh, Anvil how perfect....unintentional....but perfect.

tpen, your first post in this thread said, "I have broken up with her stating I cannot trust her and want honesty in my relationship."
You made how you felt pretty clear, in that you didn't want to be with her because you could not trust her. This happened after she told you she was an alcoholic, asked your help and if you would not drink.

I hope I have all that right, because that is what I am basing my answer on. Please tell me and forgive me if I am wrong.

tpen, you call her your XGF, and you were the one to break up with her, so I do not understand why you are looking at her posts on MySpace in the first place, or why as in this quote: (("It tears me up to know that she is communicating with a man so soon after I broke it off. I sit her and wonder why?" ))

I do not intend being rude, but I wonder what you expected her to do when you told her you didn't trust her, and said goodbye. Obviously whatever you thought, she aint doing.

I just feel that if I told someone I had a relationship with, that I was an alcoholic and asked for his help, I would have been very hurt and angry to be told that he wanted out because he didn't trust me anymore.

If I began talking to someone on MySpace, I would be quite annoyed if the XBF who dumped me, was checking me out on there, and if this upset my XBF I think I would be delighted.

If as you say, you love her and miss her....either tell her so or if you have decided you do not need an alcoholic in your life...then leave her alone, stay away from her via MySpace, don't worry if she is involved with 1 or 20 men....you are not together so it is none of your business.

Have a good look at why you feel as you do about her and why you are hanging on to memories and what you think she "should" be doing.
You may need to do some work on your expectations in relationships before you get involved with someone else, or even back with your XGF.

God bless

Expectations !! Can it be that you hoped for The miracle because she lost you? For me it was surely the case. Maybe you thought she was going to jump into a program of recovery to have you back.We are not that powerful. Addictions are progressive and recovery is their responsibility - just as it is our responsibility to look after ourselves.

Good for you for reaching out for help. This place is a lifesaver let me tell you.

(((hugs))

I broke up with her after asking to be added to her friends list and she would not. Certain parts of the profile were private and I felt she was hiding something. The more I pressed to be added, the more I saw lying. She was removing them as we spoke! At that point I asked for her username/pwd to really see it all. I know that is not right, but I couldn't believe she was hiding it. She then replied she was getting off myspace since she hardly uses it. All of this after she convinced me to not check on her 2 months ago during a fight. I didn't check, but eventually did. I told her I had seen her lie to her daugther and Mom right in front of me, and this was also showing dishonesty.

She stated "the life has been sucked out of me, and that this is right. She needed to be with someone that trusts her". I don't want to overreact, especially with her disclosing to me she had a problem 4 months ago and asking for help. But, there is this other battle going on also, what is the truth? There is no affection from her anymore, hasn't been in over a year! So many signs that signal she is not into me.

History of me - 4 yrs ago found out my XW was having an affair with my BF. I will not tolerate a relationship where secrets exist or lies unfold!!!!!

After reading the entire thread and getting more information, my thoughts are...You broke up with her. She has moved on. It is time for you to do the same. The relationship is over. Stop spying on her. What she does or who she chooses to do it with are none of your business. I don't intend to sound harsh, but it is what it is. Take care of yourself.

tpen,

You wrote, "She stated 'the life has been sucked out of me, and that this is right. She needed to be with someone that trusts her'".

I heard this from my A all the time..."I deserve to be with someone who trusts me, I'm a good person", and "I can't be in another f*cked up relationship." I know how it feels, and given your deep betrayal of 4 years ago, I can't imagine the scope of your pain with this.

Here's what I caution you about: your Xgf is not your XW. When I read your words I wonder if there's something here that you're trying to resolve for yourself through your visits to MySpace, but it will be a painful and fruitless effort because it's misplaced pain. Not to say that you don't hurt about your gf, but I wonder how much of your pain is really about 4 years ago?

I'm walking through the same process with my relationship before my A. There are things coming up that I've got to address as I grieve this current relationship--I'm looking at the issues and grieving the relationship before this one, too. Alanon helps a LOT. I strongly encourage you to attend meetings, get a sponsor, have an individual therapist, and grieve. After that I'd bet that you'll be able to choose the kind of relationship you really want.

posie