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Old 06-17-2008, 12:34 PM
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New here

I'm not sure why I'm posting, part of me just needs to get things off my chest but maybe some people have some helpful words or thoughts.

My husband is an alcoholic. He is a professional, we have 4 kids and live in the suburbs, and he has no criminal history (here's irony for you, he is a criminal defense attorney and often defends DUI's!) He was never an angry drunk, just kind of pathetic, kwim? Beer was his big thing.

The last so many years after an especially bad night he has tried (and promised)to quit or tried moderation but never worked. This last time it lasted 10 months (but drinking n/a beer). He admits he is an alcoholic and shouldn't drink, but for the past month he's been sneaking it. He usually owns up to it the next day, but on the days he does it he lies right to my face about where he has been.

He does not want to do AA, he says he doesn't think it would be a good fit for him, he says he doesn't want to sit around with a bunch of others talking about their problems. His newest idea is he bought a home breath alcohol machiny-thingy, and he says he is going to do it for me every night twice a night. I told him I'm not comfortable policing him, he says he'll do it on his own initiative. I'm still not crazy about it.

I love my husband and I'm nowhere near leaving him. Is anyone familiar with any good alternative to AA? Does anyone have comments or thoughts for me as to my role in this thing?

Thanks for listening!
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Old 06-17-2008, 12:51 PM
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Welcome-
Alcoholism doesn't usually "go away" unless the person seriously wants to do the work.
Unless their life becomes unmanageable, little changes.

Even if he doesn't want to change-now, you can go to Al-anon and make changes for
yourself. If you work the program of al-anon and stick with it, there is possibility for your own transformation in ways you can't imagine now...and this can happen no matter what your husband is doing. However, when one member of a family is in recovery, often the rest of the family benefits or will make changes too.
How are your children affected? Probably in ways you are not even aware of. Getting them talking about this and bringing out in the
open could prove to be healthy for them

Last edited by Spiritual Seeker; 06-17-2008 at 12:53 PM. Reason: spell
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:30 PM
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Read about alcoholism "Under the Influence" is good it stopped me kidding myself that things will get better, it can only get better if he wants it to.

I agree with SS get yourself to Alanon, and get the kids into Alateen.

This is a progressive disease and it will get worse.

Please take care of yourself and your children.

Mair xxx
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Old 06-17-2008, 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted by kikidee View Post
His newest idea is he bought a home breath alcohol machiny-thingy, and he says he is going to do it for me every night twice a night. I told him I'm not comfortable policing him, he says he'll do it on his own initiative. I'm still not crazy about it.
What would be the point of this machine? To police himself or convince you he can be trusted? All you can do right now is continue to learn about alcoholism...read the posts on this site (sticky posts at top are VERY helpful) and learn how you can change YOU. Your AH will have to make decisions regarding his life in his own time. Unfortunately until an A is ready to make changes for themselves, recovery is unlikely to happen or be successful. Not to say all is doom and gloom...just a friendly reminder to look at the part you play and start living life again for YOU.
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Old 06-17-2008, 09:42 PM
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I dunno. Perhaps I'm looking at this a little differently. If he doesn't want to go to AA but will do the breathy-machiny-thingy, at least that is something! It may be an eye opener for him!

I do agree with others above. Educating yourself at this point is important. If he is indeed an alcoholic, the entire family has been affected. The more you know, the better. Knowledge is power.

gentle hugs
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Old 06-18-2008, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by kikidee View Post
He does not want to do AA, he says he doesn't think it would be a good fit for him, he says he doesn't want to sit around with a bunch of others talking about their problems.
This sounds just like my AH! I've suggested going to a counselor but he feels the same way about individual counseling. I don't know of any alternatives. AH still believes he can control his drinking on his own. Currently he is limiting himself to one 6 pack per week, this has been for the last 3 weeks, but he has done this before. Eventually he returns to his old habits of drinking to excess several nights per week. Your AH may think the breathalizer will help him control his drinking but I doubt it will help.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Talk to a counselor or go to Alanon. Educate yourself about alcoholism. I know that doing this has helped me and I am feeling better about my life.
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Old 06-18-2008, 09:53 AM
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Welcome to SR kikidee! Glad that you found us....I'm sure the reason you are posting is just that "you need to get things off your chest" and what a better place to do that than here with us!

You are not alone in this-Alcoholism is a progressive disease-Please read the stickies at the top of this forum as there is a wealth of information there!

Sorry that you are going through this right now-When I started taking the focus off the A/A's in my life and turned it on me-my life began to be more clear and much more at peace!

Al-Anon has brought light into my life as well as counseling, my HP, and of course SR! Everyone has something that works for them and I hope you find what works for you!

We are here for you so keep posting!
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Old 06-18-2008, 10:24 AM
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Al anon for you and al-ateen for the kids if they are old enough, Read Read Read, stickies, anything by Melody Beattie as well as those already recommended, and a counsellor specialising in addiction for your hubby, if he wants it.

Stopping without support is in my experience, doomed! He will need some kind of step work, to ask those questions like why did he start to depend on alcohol??

Work on you and your kids too, it is so easy to get caught up in this and end concentrating on the A's problems so much you begin to loose yourself, and overlooking the kiddies.

Welcome to the site! i hope you stick around, read and post!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-18-2008, 11:38 AM
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Knowledge is power, and the more you know the better off you will be...stick around the people here are very smart and have great advice. Take care of you and your kids. Like it was said earlier this is a progressive disease, and you can't force him into doing anything he has to do it for himself.

Originally Posted by kikidee View Post
He does not want to do AA, he says he doesn't think it would be a good fit for him, he says he doesn't want to sit around with a bunch of others talking about their problems.
This is kind of a funny statement because the "problem" that everyone is sitting around talking about is alcoholism, and it is unfortunate he feels this way.
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:11 PM
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kiki,

is the problem that someone you love needs an alternative to AA, or is the problem that you, yourself, need something to help you in this difficult time?
You have described a dependence on someone who, by your own admission, is unreliable, dishonest, and manipulative. that can't be easy for you to handle on your own. you might consider going to some al-anon meetings. you may not be able to help the person you love, all by yourself, but you can ALWAYS get the help you need by doing what you need to do for you. I don't know how it will turn out. no one can answer that for you. but, I do know that you can prosper regardless of anyone or anything. I know that from my own experience. I also know, from having relied on alcohol for years as a source of power, that alcoholics don't change unless the pain becomes great enough. probably not what you wanted to hear, right? you can still get better, though, even if he can't or won't.

John
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:35 PM
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Thank you guys so much for your support, it means a lot to me. It's hard because although I'm sure a lot of our friends and family know he drinks too much, I don't think they know the extent, and I'm too embarassed to let them know.

Some people here have talked about individual counseling, can anyone tell me what the counseling for alcoholism entails? Is it the same as regular counseling just talking about your childhood and your problems, or are there counselors who deal more head-on with learning to stop drinking for good?
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:44 PM
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First off, you have nothing to be embarrassed about!

Yes, there are therapists who specialize in addictions. Your local AA or mental health agency may be able to give you referrals.
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Old 06-19-2008, 04:31 AM
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I know I suggested a specific ''addiction counsellor''. This is because my abf was referred to one when he began to seek recovery. I have also heard people here on SR talk about problems they have had with regular counsellors.

The general thing seems to be that these counsellors are not always fully aware of the multi facets of the addicted personality. People in active addiction are extremely manipulative, and will protect their habit as much as they can. I have seen spouses/partners here who have counsellors telling their partner that they can 'control' their drinking!!! Anyone involved with an A knows this is not possible!

IMHO, someone who specialises in this type of personality will be of greatest benefit to someone who is determined to recover.

May I ask, are you planning on taking steps to help yourself? I admire your commitment to your AH's recovery, but you need to focus on yourself too.

lily xxxxxxxxxx
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