Another newbie

Old 06-18-2008, 01:10 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Columbia, SC
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Unhappy Another newbie

Hey everyone! I am new to this community, although I have been reading so many of the posts which have helped me so much through the past couple of weeks. Let me give you a little background. I have been married to my AH for 1 1/2 years. I work in a church and so because of my beliefs, would not live with AH before the wedding. The second night of our honeymoon, I knew there was a problem. AH is addicted not only to alcohol, but to Hydrocodone and Klonopin as well. I did not know this before I married him, because like so many addicts, he was very good at hiding it from me. I know so many here have experienced the verbal abuse, lies, fear, and the feeling that you were going insane. I've experienced that too. AH is in deep denial right now and of course, he doesn't believe that he needs help, so last night I asked him to leave. I've told him in no uncertain terms that his being intoxicated is NOT acceptable. He has every right to drink and take pills whenever he likes and as often as he likes. But not while living with me. The codie in me just can't handle it and I don't like who I am while in that situation. He's making arrangements now to move down with a family member. My biggest problem now is the codie guilt I'm feeling even though I know that it's the right thing for both of us. Of course he's trying to manipulate me and make me feel even worse, so I could really use some words of encouragement right now. I can't stop crying and at times it seems unbearable. I am currently attending Al-anon and counselling, but unfortunately, those resources aren't available to me late at night when I'm feeling the worst. I'm really glad that I found this board. I look forward to reading your comments.
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Old 06-18-2008, 01:21 PM
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
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Stay strong. I am impressed by your courage, your clarity and your commitment to do right by yourself.
Don't let the guilt get to you. Maybe it might help to remind yourself that he doesn't seem to feel guilty about what he is putting you through.
Don't let him manipulate you. Remember that he is an addict and his POV is not to be trusted.
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Old 06-18-2008, 01:57 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ogden UT
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I am in the same exact situation spoke to husband today and told him I was having a hard time and he just easily told me I dont want to go home to your crying I perfer to give you your space. That hurt me more than anything. He is recovering and drank again the other day the first time in 7 months.. I know its a relapse but the worst part is I found traces of cocaine in his wallet but he is in such denial he swears he doesnt know how it got there and he never uses that. I am lost?
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Old 06-18-2008, 02:07 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Buffalo, NY
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be true to yourself and you can't go wrong.

also, I have to wonder about your own level of denial here.

I can understand your feeling of dependency on someone who has been meeting some of your needs, and not wanting those needs to go unmet. that is definitely a loss you will have to compensate for in some way, whether therapy or al-anon or whatever.

the idea of feeling guilt about protecting yourself doesn't sound altogether honest. maybe you like the feeling of being superior and don't want to lose that. probably not what you want to hear, right? still, you must look at your part in this. how could you NOT know someone you were intending to marry had such problems, unless some part of you didn't want to know?
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Old 06-18-2008, 03:22 PM
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Yes, it's possible not to know, especially if you've never lived with someone and have fortunate enough never been exposed to the signs of alcohol and drug dependency. And feeling guilt about protecting yourself because you're being battered by manipulation is the most natural thing in the world for codependents -- 99.9% of us here have gone through it. Not sure what you're getting at there.

But anyway, melodymaker, I am so sorry you're going through this pain, and I know exactly how you feel. All I can say is that my prayers go out to you, prayers for strength to continue doing the right thing. Unless you have children, you may want to consider severely limiting the kinds of conversations you have with your husband -- setting some clear boundaries here as to what you will and will not put up with verbally, and keeping your thumb on the hangup buttton, may help you avoid some of the madness.

It's very hard to stand up for one's self to an addict, and at first it feels like your heart is going to explode.

Keep posting and reading and participating here -- you've found a good community for helping stay sane while you work through this.

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Old 06-18-2008, 07:21 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Originally Posted by Melodymaker View Post
I am currently attending Al-anon and counselling, but unfortunately, those resources aren't available to me late at night when I'm feeling the worst.
I can relate to your feelings too because I have been there. Hey, do you have an alanon sponsor? I ask because if you did maybe she would be open to a late night call. Or perhaps you could explain your situation at your meeting and see who would be open to a call. I know I would glady take a late night call from someone like you.
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Old 06-19-2008, 10:01 AM
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guilt is a very powerful codie emotion......and the addict/alcoholic knows it and will use it against us.

A's are like sharks, they can smell our vunerability.

Try to lose the guilt, he'll smell it.

There is no reason to feel guilt if you are taking care of your needs. He will either get with the program or he won't. It is HIS choice. But you have your own choices to make and you are doing it!!! That takes a lot of courage!

gentle hugs
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