What Addicts Do
GRMUELLER
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Douglas, Wyoming
Posts: 1
Just beginning to help myself
I am just beginning to start to try to understand what is happening to myself and my addict girlfriend. I love her with all my heart but so far I have not seen much encouragment that things will work out and we will be able to live a sane and happy life together. I feel that I can not live without her. This letter from Jon is my girlfriend to a tee.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: jersey city, nj
Posts: 1
This is my first time on here and I have a love story that has been a rollercoaster.
I too fell in love with an ex addict(addicted to heroin)-when I was 15. I am 28, but he was my first love . I didn't see him for 7 years and then ran into him about 2 years ago. I had only heard about his addiction through friends since I had left my hometown years before.
I fell hard, not knowing that he was still using meth to get off of heroin. I think I might have been the most ignorant person when it came to drugs-I don't know what it looks like or how people react when they are on it-not that I am naive but I just have never been around it like that.
He finally got himself off of it and has had a sort of "normal" life with me. We have had our ups and downs due to other circumstances in our relationship, but around 5 months ago he started becoming distant and cold, started smoking weed, hanging with a crowd that I was concerned about, missing a lot of work and a lot of unexplanable behaviors. it was picking huge fights with me for the smallest things and hurting me emotionally.It was hard for me to keep track because I live about an hour away. He is claiming that he is leaving for Florida-but his actions immediately have led me to believe that he has started again and I am scared to death. I don't how to get in touch with him, he is nowhere to be found. At first, I thought he just stopped loving me, but I spoke to him about 4 days ago and he talked to me the way I remembered him, so kind and sweet. I rec'd a call yesterday from my sister, to tell me that she now has confirmation that he is back on it, but I cannot accept this and I am having a hard time trying to lead my life without knowing what has become of him. I am so afraid that I will not talk to him and or see him, because he is not contacting me. I love him so much-that I am literally making myself sick. How do I reach out to somebody like this? Are these normal actions of someone getting back on? I don't know what I am suppose to do. Please help! I don't think I have another tear left to shed.
love2much
I too fell in love with an ex addict(addicted to heroin)-when I was 15. I am 28, but he was my first love . I didn't see him for 7 years and then ran into him about 2 years ago. I had only heard about his addiction through friends since I had left my hometown years before.
I fell hard, not knowing that he was still using meth to get off of heroin. I think I might have been the most ignorant person when it came to drugs-I don't know what it looks like or how people react when they are on it-not that I am naive but I just have never been around it like that.
He finally got himself off of it and has had a sort of "normal" life with me. We have had our ups and downs due to other circumstances in our relationship, but around 5 months ago he started becoming distant and cold, started smoking weed, hanging with a crowd that I was concerned about, missing a lot of work and a lot of unexplanable behaviors. it was picking huge fights with me for the smallest things and hurting me emotionally.It was hard for me to keep track because I live about an hour away. He is claiming that he is leaving for Florida-but his actions immediately have led me to believe that he has started again and I am scared to death. I don't how to get in touch with him, he is nowhere to be found. At first, I thought he just stopped loving me, but I spoke to him about 4 days ago and he talked to me the way I remembered him, so kind and sweet. I rec'd a call yesterday from my sister, to tell me that she now has confirmation that he is back on it, but I cannot accept this and I am having a hard time trying to lead my life without knowing what has become of him. I am so afraid that I will not talk to him and or see him, because he is not contacting me. I love him so much-that I am literally making myself sick. How do I reach out to somebody like this? Are these normal actions of someone getting back on? I don't know what I am suppose to do. Please help! I don't think I have another tear left to shed.
love2much
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baldwin, Ny
Posts: 5
I am new to this site, my first time actually... After reading that passage from Jon, I realize that that is my life right now, my boyfriend claims he loves me so much ans has "Such Dreams" for us, he seems like he really wants help but just goes right back to doing his "thing". I've printed out the words that Jon wrote and read them to myself at least 3 times a day, because the words that hit home were "STOP BEING SO SURPRISED" - Because that was the thing, I wanted to believe he will change, that I could help him change. But If he wanted to he would help himself, instead of dragging me down with him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
I am new to this site which I found while trying to justify what has happened to my life and the pain that I feel. I read what Jon wrote about being an addict and frankly he did describe my fiance pretty well. I am 32 yo male and have never had any interest in drugs in anyway up until now. She is a beautiful 40 yo woman with multiple addictions. She has had addictions to cocaine (her worse one), alcohol and now it seems that meth (ICE) has got ahold of her too. We have lived together for about 7 or 8 months and her behavior has been bad. She disappears and does not call or come home for days at a time. Also she sometimes would mildy hollucinate and was angry and very aggressive among other things. Now I have been the only working and paying the bills so this has affected me in every aspect of my life. I don't have any idea what all she has been doing while she is away and I hate to think about it. We had good times in our relationship and alot of bad. She would always be sorry when she came home and slept the first day for about 20 hours. Afterwards she would seemingly catch a cold ect. so I was taking care of her which I did not mind. Two days before x-mas she disappeared again and like most times she had people I knew lying to me about her where abouts. I found her 5 days later after calling the police to file a missing persons report. I love this woman so much but this has made my family very bitter at what she has done. As well I have become angry and depressed. I could not take it any more as she was only my girl about half the time we were together, it was the drug the rest of the time. I packed all her things up and moved her out while she went to try and get clean at her families house. Even after she was gone her drug addict friends told me lie after lie. Ultimately I am depressed and angry at this addiction and this drug. I feel like a fool for trying to take care of her, for trying to help her and give her chnaces and for trusting her. I have had brief talk to her and she hates what she has done and the pain she has caused me. Even after all this I kills me to talk to her now knowing its over. I am going to break off all communication. I have had my family, friends and some on this board say if your not in too deep run. I have to let her go or she will take me down with her I can feel it. Now I just hope god will watch over her while I am not around. Thanks for listiening and any comments or advice are appreciated.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Love2, Jenn and Noah.... come down and post in the forum below. Folks will be along to answer all your questions or share their experiences.
If you have specific questions, please feel free to start a new thread.... see the button at the bottom of the forum.
Welcome!
BigSis (just another Sober Recovery visitor)
If you have specific questions, please feel free to start a new thread.... see the button at the bottom of the forum.
Welcome!
BigSis (just another Sober Recovery visitor)
lostchild35
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Neah Bay Wa.
Posts: 7
this is a good one, i have one question, but should have kept reading.
do addicts lie in recovery about getting their family life back? we had discussed this many of times, and even talked about getting married, was all that false too?
do addicts lie in recovery about getting their family life back? we had discussed this many of times, and even talked about getting married, was all that false too?
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It isn't always lies, sometimes it's promises they just cannot keep, even for themselves.
An active addict can love their family, they are just incapable of the actions necessary to show it. Until they learn to love themselves, they just cannot learn to give their love away.
An active addict can love their family, they are just incapable of the actions necessary to show it. Until they learn to love themselves, they just cannot learn to give their love away.
bluesky
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Posts: 3
I put this above my sink so I can stare at it while I do dishes. It keeps everything in perspective for me in times when my husband is using and times when he's attempting sobriety. I can't tell you how many times this has saved my sanity just having it to refresh where my place is in all his insanity. Thank-you so much. God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Beaverton, OR
Posts: 2
I am the mother of a 26 year old addicted daughter. We live in the same apartment, with her 5 year old daughter. She moved in with me after losing her car, job, and apartment. Losing her car had nothing to do with her addiction, her ex-boyfriend borrowed it and wrecked it. But losing her job and apartment I'm sure had a lot to do with her addiction. For awhile I was unaware of the problem. I knew she was depressed, and thought that her erratic behavior was because of that. Then I found her stash, and the needles. Meth.
I confronted her about what I found, and she assured me that wasn't going to do that anymore. (Sound familiar?). Later she got very sick and ended up in intensive care with Endocarditis, an infection of the heart. She allowed the doctor to tell me that it was because of injecting intravenous drugs. She faced heart surgery, but the infection ended up being cleared up by antibiotics. I figured this was the "wake up call" that she needed, and was optimistic that things would get better.
Not too long after she came home, I found her needles and stash again.
She has since been arrested with a small amount of Meth on her, and is facing trial soon. She has been seeing a PO, and is enrolled in a rehab program, while still working. (She found another job). I haven't found any needles in a long time, but I have lost all faith that she has stopped using. She has "friends" that call all hours of the night, and that she hangs out with, and I don't trust any of them.
My daughter used to work 3 jobs to support herself and her daughter. She has never received child support, but she prided herself on getting by on her own. She used to have her own apartment, and never failed to show up for work or take good care of her daughter.
She is still good to her daughter, but there is still a big difference in her. She's not the same. The person she used to be is buried so deep I can't really find her any more. I miss her. Though I'm not sure if she is still using or not, I just go on the assumption that she is, and the assumption that most of what she says to me is a lie. I guess I've been conditioned to feel that way. You can only be fooled so many times before you stop believing.
My daughter is a christian, as am I. She is deeply depressed, but when I tell her to turn to God for help, she tells me that God isn't going to listen to her, because she doesn't deserve his attention.
I'm hoping that the rehab she just started going to will help her. It's a requirement from her PO, but I'm hoping that she really gets into it. She did request drug tests as a part of her probation, and I suppose that's a good step in the right direction, but then again Meth doesn't stay in the system for very long. I find myself wishing that they would require her to take a drug test every other day. I find myself wishing a lot of things.
I've been changed by all this, and it took me a long time to realise it. I feel that I am as much damaged by her addiction as she is, and it has taken a horrible toll on me. I realised I have to start focusing on myself...I need to start recovering. I need help.
Are there online Nar-Anon meetings that I can attend? I'm recovering from surgery and can't get around too well, and I have no car, so as much as I'd like, I can't attend meetings in town. I would love to have an online place that I could go to. I think it would be an important step in starting my recovery.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Dove
I confronted her about what I found, and she assured me that wasn't going to do that anymore. (Sound familiar?). Later she got very sick and ended up in intensive care with Endocarditis, an infection of the heart. She allowed the doctor to tell me that it was because of injecting intravenous drugs. She faced heart surgery, but the infection ended up being cleared up by antibiotics. I figured this was the "wake up call" that she needed, and was optimistic that things would get better.
Not too long after she came home, I found her needles and stash again.
She has since been arrested with a small amount of Meth on her, and is facing trial soon. She has been seeing a PO, and is enrolled in a rehab program, while still working. (She found another job). I haven't found any needles in a long time, but I have lost all faith that she has stopped using. She has "friends" that call all hours of the night, and that she hangs out with, and I don't trust any of them.
My daughter used to work 3 jobs to support herself and her daughter. She has never received child support, but she prided herself on getting by on her own. She used to have her own apartment, and never failed to show up for work or take good care of her daughter.
She is still good to her daughter, but there is still a big difference in her. She's not the same. The person she used to be is buried so deep I can't really find her any more. I miss her. Though I'm not sure if she is still using or not, I just go on the assumption that she is, and the assumption that most of what she says to me is a lie. I guess I've been conditioned to feel that way. You can only be fooled so many times before you stop believing.
My daughter is a christian, as am I. She is deeply depressed, but when I tell her to turn to God for help, she tells me that God isn't going to listen to her, because she doesn't deserve his attention.
I'm hoping that the rehab she just started going to will help her. It's a requirement from her PO, but I'm hoping that she really gets into it. She did request drug tests as a part of her probation, and I suppose that's a good step in the right direction, but then again Meth doesn't stay in the system for very long. I find myself wishing that they would require her to take a drug test every other day. I find myself wishing a lot of things.
I've been changed by all this, and it took me a long time to realise it. I feel that I am as much damaged by her addiction as she is, and it has taken a horrible toll on me. I realised I have to start focusing on myself...I need to start recovering. I need help.
Are there online Nar-Anon meetings that I can attend? I'm recovering from surgery and can't get around too well, and I have no car, so as much as I'd like, I can't attend meetings in town. I would love to have an online place that I could go to. I think it would be an important step in starting my recovery.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Dove
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Dove;
Please head on down to the naranon forum on this site. There are many of us parents who know exactly where you are at -- because we are too! We are at all stages of recovery; from novice to sage. And we all have one thing in common. We want help and we want to help others. That's why we're here. Come on down; there's a group of us waiting for you. As an added bonus, we have meetings online too. So, while you're recouperating, you can get the support you need in both ways!
Hope to see you in the naranon forum soon and often!
Shalom, Dove.
Please head on down to the naranon forum on this site. There are many of us parents who know exactly where you are at -- because we are too! We are at all stages of recovery; from novice to sage. And we all have one thing in common. We want help and we want to help others. That's why we're here. Come on down; there's a group of us waiting for you. As an added bonus, we have meetings online too. So, while you're recouperating, you can get the support you need in both ways!
Hope to see you in the naranon forum soon and often!
Shalom, Dove.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Beaverton, OR
Posts: 2
I'll be here often, believe me. I clicked on "chat" earlier to check it out, but all I got was a blank screen and a picture symbol, but it didn't turn in to anything. I'll try again next Monday when they are having the Nar-Anon chat, and see if it works. I hope it does! In the meantime...I'm starting to feel better already just knowing that I am not alone in this.
Dove
Dove
newlife
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Shasta Lake, California
Posts: 3
I am sitting here in complete clarity. Finally I understand his insanity. When I read the words "Stop being surprised", I one more time felt the awful slap of betrayal, the breach of trust and the killing of hope. I felt like I was finally looking thru his eyes, and seeing me as he did, a tool on the wall, a source of assets, just another way to get his need fed. I wasn't the wife of 21 years, or the person who always stood by him. His eyes saw me as the potential victum that I was. No bitterness here, just deeper understanding. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: huntsvlle, alabama
Posts: 2
im new to all of this after reading ya'lls stories i dont feel so alone any more i hope and pray my partner can stay clean but jons post hit home with me. my partner is in prison for theft she got 15 split 2 which means she will have to spend 2 years before she can be released she is in the sap program(drug rehab) for inmates in alabama she ha come clean with a lot of the lies she has told me in the past i have a hard time sometimes coming to terms that she lied about so much its been hard for me to understand how a drug can take over someones life and cause such a drastic change in the person we once knew and fell in love with. Igo faithfully to see her on every visitation i love her dearly her family has nothing to do with her really they are all addicts from alcohol to drugs and feel she didnt have a problem ill never foreget the last nite she almost died after going on a crack benge ill never foreget the look the seizures her eyes i felt so alone and totally helpless i wanted to save her but realized i couldnt it was up to her...it was after this that i decided i need to help me also i need help in learning what i can do so i wont be an enabler to her and feel that its my fault she is using if she goes back to it when she gets home so can anyone show where i need to start please......sorry if i was rambling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 4
well i just sent my A this article. We were already basically ending our "relationship" or whatever you would call this fake friendship, so I figured I would send it to him in hopes that one day he'll wake up, remember this, and go back to actually absorb the information in the article. Of course, right now all I got was a hundred insults thrown at me, saying I was creating a whole world that didn't exist and he feels sorry for me, you know the drill. I'm finally able to not take these things personally, as much as he tried to dig into me with personal attacks, I know that it is the addict trying to manipulate the situation into me being the wrong one. If the article hadn't gotten to him, he wouldn't have reacted so violently towards me, he would have just ignored it. Anyways, just wanted to share that, have a good night.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: On this earth
Posts: 16
Why Oh Why???? I Just Don't Get It
I am a first timer here and I am, as my name says, a SADSIS. I have been dealing with my brothers addiction for 3 yrs. At first, I was unaware that it was drugs. He told me that he had a "bad gambling problem". I was in contact with him over the phone alot then and didn't have a visual....however...I was soon to find out that a "nice girl" introduced him to crack/cocaine.
I am not sure but I think I immediately became a co-dependant. I wasn't doing it consciously. I am still not sure if I was. I paid some bills, tried to get him some help, got him some help....paid more bills...blah blah blah. After 9 months in rehab he was doing well. Then, BAM!! He started with the disappearing acts....losing the cell phone, having no $, erratic behavior etc etc. I knew immediately that he was up to no good again. It was not the first time either.
It just does not stop...he does alright then screws up again...lies and steals and manipulates (that is a BIGGIE-the manipulation)! I have been a good, no GREAT sister and friend to him and he has the b#lls to lie to me!! He thinks I am stupid. I know when he starts his crap! Then he boo-hoos that "you just do not understand". Well maybe I don't....but I do know pain and he is causing us pain.
We recently went through another relapse. I refuse to talk to him. I have had it up to my ears. My mission now is to get help for myself and especially my Mother. Finally she has agreed. Why oh why, then do I have the nervous stomach and the constant thoughts? There was a time when I thought he was dead. I saw his vehicle around that time and inquired about the holes in the side...bullet holes he told me. (Mom didn't need to know this)
What the *&%#????? Being shot at is not a MESSAGE!?!?!?!?! Watching someone kill themselves is pure torture.
Thanks for listening ....
I am not sure but I think I immediately became a co-dependant. I wasn't doing it consciously. I am still not sure if I was. I paid some bills, tried to get him some help, got him some help....paid more bills...blah blah blah. After 9 months in rehab he was doing well. Then, BAM!! He started with the disappearing acts....losing the cell phone, having no $, erratic behavior etc etc. I knew immediately that he was up to no good again. It was not the first time either.
It just does not stop...he does alright then screws up again...lies and steals and manipulates (that is a BIGGIE-the manipulation)! I have been a good, no GREAT sister and friend to him and he has the b#lls to lie to me!! He thinks I am stupid. I know when he starts his crap! Then he boo-hoos that "you just do not understand". Well maybe I don't....but I do know pain and he is causing us pain.
We recently went through another relapse. I refuse to talk to him. I have had it up to my ears. My mission now is to get help for myself and especially my Mother. Finally she has agreed. Why oh why, then do I have the nervous stomach and the constant thoughts? There was a time when I thought he was dead. I saw his vehicle around that time and inquired about the holes in the side...bullet holes he told me. (Mom didn't need to know this)
What the *&%#????? Being shot at is not a MESSAGE!?!?!?!?! Watching someone kill themselves is pure torture.
Thanks for listening ....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Dade county...FL
Posts: 2
I heard about addicts being sociopathic in my critical thinking and ethics class. Believe it or not, this class is something really making me think about changing my lifestyle.
We learned about Plato's 'psyche'. The 3 things in it: Reasoning, Passions, and Appetite. Cocaine would be considered my appetite. I let that over take my reasoning...and now my psyche/soul is unbalanced. So...if I know all of this, and KNOW I really want to stop, then why the hell can't I? I'm my own hypocrite...
We learned about Plato's 'psyche'. The 3 things in it: Reasoning, Passions, and Appetite. Cocaine would be considered my appetite. I let that over take my reasoning...and now my psyche/soul is unbalanced. So...if I know all of this, and KNOW I really want to stop, then why the hell can't I? I'm my own hypocrite...
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Tizzy, come on down to the forum. Post anything you need to say. Ask whatever you are unsure of. Many wonderful people are here to help as we all grow in our recovery from this family disease of addiction.
Shalom!
Shalom!
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