Ann

Another Classis from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.

By the way, her books can be purchased at the SoberRecovery Store right here on this site, and it supports this site.


INTO ORBIT

It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
--Codependent No More

I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change...She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love... . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that... Nobody's ever really given him a chance... Nobody's ever really believed in him before...

These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be fore someone, we may be in trouble.

This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us.

It will be self-defeating.

We may be "the one" all right .. the one to wind up victimized.

The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

Nobody in the past has really understood him.... Nobody has seen what I see in her.... It's a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from out path and often puts us in orbit.

Nobody has appreciated him enough.... Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do.... It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.

We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."

The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
----------------------------
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
----------------------------
Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
--------------------------------------------

Gabe

I need to re-visit these books.
Peace,
Gabe

Ann

To the top for newcomers....

washbe2

Yes, this is so true. Why is it so hard? Think I'll revisit this book again, too.

Thanks, Ann.
Washbe

srobin

Ditto for me. I think I will actually go buy my own copy instead of having the library's checked out all of the time. Money is tight right now so if anyone knows where to find a used copy let me know. I haven't checked E-bay but will. I do believe I will proudly display it on my cofffe table where M is sure to see it.

The therapist today told me to tell M that she had some books for her also. Does Beattie write anything specifically geared toward the addict?

Ann

Melody Beattie IS a recovering addict. (LOL - tell M that one).

She has a terrific book called "Playing It By Heart" that is her story of her addiction and recovery as well as her experience with codependency. She was a daughter of, married to and surrounded by addiction, and she was literally poster child for addiction - they used her badly scarred arms. It is one of the most moving and interesting books I have ever read. Her story is tragic, but when you see what she has accomplished and given back it is more than amazing - it is a miracle.

LindaB

I just got that book "Playing it by Heart" on tape and listened to it today. I also bought the "Language of Letting Go" and have been reading it everyday. After finishing, I took it over to D and his dad's and told them they might like it. They may never listen to it, but then perhaps they will.

SRobin...yes, do try eBay. I bought the "Language of Letting Go" at the bookstore before I even thought of eBay. Later that afternoon I went to eBay and found a ton of stuff by Beattie. That is where I found my "Playing it by Heart." I also have her two Dependency books coming on audio.

Thoughts and prayers to you all,
Linda

Jewel

Thanks Ann, what a wonderful post, reading it made me smile, it is so like me.

I am reading Co-dependent no-more from your suggestion, it is a really good book though painfully close to home, Melody Beattie is a wonderful inspiration to all of us.

Keep up these excellent posts Ann they are great.

Jewel

eddiecoyote

Hello... I just joined the group. I was looking for information on drug use for my girlfriend and I found this place. Figuring that I could find an ear hear, someone who is going through what I am going through, I made a profile. My girlfriend isn't likely to create one and it will be interesting to get her to go with me to a local ACES counseling session. She says she wants to, but she often lacks the enthusiasm to get up and do anything, unless she's done meth or coke.

Reading the above post I saw myself. I've told myself that I would be the support she needed, the strong one, the one that would love her no matter what she did, that she would believe that I would not abandon her and with such support she'd seek help. But yesterday's discussion over marijuanna (something she readily exclaims she is addicted to, and the two dozen or more instances of smoking it a day testify to this) that she didn't want me to be the P.O., and that she would associate me with "ending her fun" and that would hurt our relationship. In my heart I'd choose a sober her, than a relationship with her... but my mind is too tangled up to know what to do. Just because I'd rather see her clean than be with her doesn't mean that I am wanting to throw away this relationship due to stupidity or "jumping the gun" on my part.

Tomorrow I am going to look for counseling, if nothing else than for myself.

Good to be here. I don't know how often I'll pop in.

Heavenbound

Hi,

Regarding Melody Beattie, for some reason, I seem to recall hearing a couple of years ago that she passed away. I don't remember from what, though. Maybe I'm wrong, because it WAS a couple of years ago, at least, and it was on the news that I heard it. Can anyone confirm this?

If I'm wrong, I sincerely apologize.

Thanks,

Heavenbound

historyteach

Amazon.com is a great place to get books. There are new and used ones for very good prices.
Good luck!

Ann

Melody Beattie is alive and well and still writing, although not as quickly as a few years back. She is one of the most terrific women that I have ever read and her books have been instrumental in my recovery.

devastated

Hi Ann:

Is it possible that Melody took the words right out of my mouth? And I do mean all the words. I said each and every one of those things that you wrote! I really felt that I was going to be my son's savior instead of being his Mother! I did do it too, for a long, long time! Too bad, I didn't read her books long ago. Perhaps I wouldn't have felt like such a failure and in turn not kept up my codependency behavior!

Guess it's better late than not at all right?

I'm hoping, like so many of us, that through my changing behavior, my son will also change his. However, if he chooses not to than, of course, so be it.

In the meantime, I'm doing well and feel that I've come a long, long, way in less than a year. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, but these moments are less now and last for shorter periods of time.

Thanks to you and all the rest of you wonderful people!

Thanks for this article! She's an inspiration to me knowing she was able to pull herself out of such a bad place.

Hugs, Devastated

Ann

Bringing this back up for the newcomers and for those of us who need to be reminded....like ME.

Viviana

After i leave, and go back maybe he will get better.....i need to read the above book.. I can't believe how dysfunctional I am.....

Ann

I thought it was time for this to run again...this is for the newcomers and the oldtimers who, like me, need to be reminded.

Gabe

"The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency."
Thanks Ann, good bump.

kwelling5737

Thanks for the reminder Ann.....

Hugz~
Kim

mooselips

HMMMMM,
I was sick, sick, sick,
But now, I'm getting better, better, better.....

Thanks for the "bump"

devastated

Thanks, it's always good to review just in case we start to fall back into old patterns!

Hugs, Devastted