scared&confused

Thanks Jon for telling me this is what addicts do. I keep trying to rationalize or understand why my husband is treating me the way he does. I hate what my husband has become. I keep trying to remind myself, this isn't the man I married. Here is my story...

I have been married to my husband for 8 years and have been together for 10 years. In the past year, my husband has turned into this wonderful devoted father and husband to a complete stranger. He has used the excuse that he started working two jobs and that is why he has become distant. He has lost alot of weight and is real edgy. My husband, just like our daughter, has always needed at least 8-10 hours of sleep, for as long as I've known him. Now, he can go days with 2-3 hours of sleep. I know you can't do that alone. He is paranoid and blames me for things that I don't have a clue where they are coming from. To make things worst, he has started a "friendly" relationship with a woman with numerous, numerous calls and text messaging to her. After I found this out, I left him for a week and I think it turned even worst. I walked into the house and found straws cut in half, not knowing what they were, I wasn't sure what to think. Then I found one cut the same way in our car. Then I started to wonder. But, I only thought of cocaine. I went to the drugstore and bought a drug test and asked him to take it and he became furious. I told him, please prove me wrong, if you love me just take the test. He blew up and threw me out of the house. I have some friends of friends in the narcotics division and I had the straws tested and they came back positive for meth. To top things off I found some more evidence of empty small packages along with even more straws, still to be tested. Even worst, he keeps calling me crazy. He is so convincing, that I keep questioning myself, maybe he is and maybe he isn't. Maybe I am crazy for thinking this, but I keep reminding myself that hard evidence doesn't lie. I keep trying to remind myself this isn't the man I married, but it is so hard to make the right decisions. I am at my wit's end and I'm not sure where to turn or what to do. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

scared&confused

historyteach

(((S&C)))
First, welcome to SR! You've found a place with supportive people to help you on this journey.
Please come on down to the naranon forum. There you will find others in the same boat as you. We support each other; care about each other; and walk the path with each other.
You should also visit the newcomers board; general recovery; and friends and families of alcoholics forum. Read the stickys. There's lots of useful information in them.
BTW: Your husband is "quacking." Making noise.
Joke; How do you know when the addict is lying?
Answer; His lips are moving.
You know what's going on. No amount of quacking will change that.
I hope to see you often as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!

jpeace

MH, I am right there with you, my friend in recovery. Just tonight I called my BF, who is a struggling cocaine addict. He was just about to go into his first aftercare outpatient group and actually sounded optimistic. Oh, I'm just about to go in, I'll call you as soon as we get done. I love you too....that was hours ago and this is what I've been dealing with for the last damn week EVERY time we talk.

He's just gotten out of rehab, been home about two weeks. The first weekend was wonderful, he came straight to my house, we had a lovely weekend and he seemed so happy and at peace. Told me he loved me more than anything, that I was the only one who believed in him and that this was the life he has always wanted. Once he went home to the city and back to work, it was a matter of days before Mr. Miserable was back. Not calling, not coming up on weekends....we never see each other much during the week but the whole time he was away he called and called and I miss you, I love you, I can't wait to be with you when I get home......well, he's gone and the monster is back. He's admitted that he's been out drinking again, claims no coke but I'm not buying it. I've tried not to make excuses for the fact that he does have some legitimate stressors going on, but he hasn't made one meeting since he's been home and he won't call the guy who volunteered to not only be a temporary sponsor, but to give him extra work to do to make more money legally and get back on his feet. I'm furious right now and really hurting. I know he wants me to leave him so that he can have an excuse to relapse and blame me for it. He's so good at not taking responsibility for his actions. Like someone else said, when we fought the other day, it was MY fault for making him act this way. I think not, honey.

I'm so glad I found this community. I do love this man and would love to stand by him, but I am so sick of this nonsense and always feeling like crap about myself, I just can't do it anymore. What is this you say, detachment with love? Maybe I can do that.....??

mendingheart

This does not mean you stop loving them, it simply is a tool for you to love them unconditionally, without creating chaos for yourself.
It takes a lot of practice, and then..you will still have those days. Keep working!

michski

Wow.. I'm 4 years clean and reading Jon's post made my hair stand on end. Oh my God, it made me remember what a complete selfish liar and a$$hole jerk I used to be. I've got to tell you that just this morning I prayed that my sense of guilt will end... but the answer that came back to me was that it's the guilt that keeps me from ever considering using cocaine and/or booze again. I did switch seats on The Titanic and became a drunk, but I've been clean over 3 years from that sinking ship. I stuck with the AA program, got a sponsor and worked the steps and I have emerged from that experience a new person.. not cured... just a new person with a second chance to right the wrongs I've done.

Tears come to my eyes remembering the pain I caused. I will always be grateful to my husband for staying with me. But this addict didn't take sobriety seriously until he finally took leaving me seriously.

This is such a great site.. I really needed to feel this today and be ever so grateful to all the 12 steppers in the world that made my new life possible.

yours in sobriety and gratitude,
Michele

mendingheart

I know this is what addicts do, and after Jon's post, I thought I had it down.
I am struggling with the fact that they can just up and disappear for days at a time, not call, and just expect everything to go on as it does. Then they blow in, and
act as if they can pick up right where they left off.
I need to sound off today.....what about the one you left behind? I know you have had a bad day, but what about MY day, or MY struggles? They seem to be oblivious to anything that is not in there face at the time. I feel frustrated in separating the fact that it is not all about them. They create their chaos and where they choose to be.
I create where I choose to be as well, and I know I do not have to remain here. Just when I think I have had it, they blow back in all lovey dovey and appreciative.
I know they are manipulative, but I really feel that he is sincere. How can I separate that?
There is no explanation for the disappearance, just a bunch of little things that have taken a whole day to do. I can run circles around his day, and still not be exhausted.
He does one thing and it tapped out for the remainder of the day. Am I suppose to feel sorry for his lack of energy? That is his own doing. I choose not to be in that postition personally, and I say help yourself.
There!!! Thank you for letting me post and vent.
Mendingheart

historyteach

MH:
From Jon's post at the start of this thread...

"I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you."

This is why he can disappear. And, in the face of this statement by Jon, do you STILL think he is sincere when he returns, all "lovey dovey and appreciative?
It doesn't faze him.
In the words of the addict, you are a tool to him.

Love him all you want; but seperate his behaviors from him. And from your own dreams too. Believe the behaviors.
Shalom!

mendingheart

Teach,
Thanks for the kick in the pants......I need it to keep myself focused and take care of ME.
We spent a great holiday together, however I am feeling at the end of my road with this addiction. It dictates everything he does, which in turn leaves me waiting constantly. Waiting to leave, waiting for him to find a bathroom, waiting to make any plans, waiting to see how he feels for this moment,.......
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My patience wore thin on this one. THe drug controls everything about every minute of the day. It is so sad to watch, I am and will be detaching from here on out. He thinks he is functioning NORMAL and he is two steps behind in every aspect. He is so intelligent, and yet things go right over his head unless I point them out. It is like watching someone in slow motion movie freeze frame. He has no concept of time.......he can spend what seems like forever in one particular task, always late for everything and has an excuse because he feels so bad.
Thanks for letting me vent, and hope you had a good holiday.
mendingheart

svinct

Wow, that was a slap in the face to read that, yet it made sense. He didn't only do it to me but he did it to his family and his most prized possesion in the worls, his little girl. Was he really willing to give that all up? I beleive he loves/loved me, his sister, his daughter but he was too much in love with his cocaine/pot/booze. God, I miss him.

mendingheart

Svinct,
Sorry to hear you are struggling today. It sounds like you had a connection somewhere in this post, and I am assuming you are in a better place now. I do realize however, this does not replace the love we have in our hearts for our addicts. The love of the drug is more powerful than our love can imagine.
So sad to see, and worst of all, to feel and experience the grief of the loss of a partner. Emotionally, and mentally.
I have good days and bad, and have found that acceptance has given me strength to move forward. I do not have to remain here, unless I choose to .
I think we grow, and they are left behind unfortunately.
Thanks for your post, and stay with us!

svinct

You are very right that I do have the choice to stay or leave it behind and I feel like I am trying so hard to levae it behind but it's not easy. I feel like at times I slowly drift back a little. I haven't spoken with him only because we don't have the choice to talk right now (he is in jail and he controls the calls, not me). I fear that if I had the chance, i would probably be speaking with him. Part of me says stay far away and part of me says help him and then the other part says maybe he will get help. Knowing him, the "he will get help" part is little because knowing th type of person he is, I trully don't think he will get help. He is just so stubborn and has been used to this kind of life that he will probably go back to the same things over and over again and that stinks. I hope I am so very wrong with that assumption, I trully do. But in the mean time I have to deal with the "what if's".

historyteach

Svinct;
He doesn't love himself. If he did, he wouldn't be hurting himself this way. So, how can he *love* you? I mean an honest adult love.

Go back and read Jon's post again. You are a tool to him. It doesn't faze him that he lies, steals or whatever from you, his family, his daughter.
He's an addict.
And that's what addicts do.

Please come on down to the naranon forum and get the support you need. We are here; we totally understand what you're dealing with. And we care.
Shalom!

mendingheart

Do not get caught up in the what if's.......stay in the NOW. TOday is all you have...
do not dwell in yesterday, nor fear tomorrow. Enjoy right where you are. There is a message in you path.......take care of you.
Mendingheart

Sunset

I registered to this site after reading this. What a powerful message! I am not good with computers and am not exactly sure how this works so if anyone has any helpful hints please let me know. I am a spouse of an addict and am looking for people in the same situation to talk to or meetings I can do via the internet.

svinct

Yeah, I guess you guys are right, he doesn't "love" me or treat me the way I should be treated. It's just hard to deal with all this and come into life again.
I would love to go to a naranon meeting but I don't know how to on this site. If someone can teahc me that would be great. I am working up the courage to go to one tonight in my hometown. I pray that G*D will give me the strength and courage to go there tonight.

mygirl971

Ann sent this to my husband(A) and he got hghly upset wth me telling me he was not an addict that he did not take the drugs for pleasure he took them for pain,he left ths morning with the slamming of the door and the squealling of the tires...please help I am really confused

splendra

((((mygirl)))

That may have been more reality than he could handle right now. I too have given my H articles to read when I ought to have been working how am I going to help myself...come on over to the naranon forum..

mygirl971

Splendura how do get to that forum would love to get nvolvement

TheBeesKnees

Mygirl,

Go to the very top of the screen and you'll see this:
Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forum > Family and Friends > Nar-Anon

click on the words Nar Anon and you'll get a list of all the threads - different topics being discussed. Just click on one and start reading. You can go back to the list by clicking the <-- arrow at the very top of your screen as well.

I hope this helps~ glad you're here

TBK

AstridPearl

Thank you for that!!!! I needed to hear that.