What Addicts Do
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Egg Harbor Township NJ
Posts: 3
I cant even explaine how much that helped me. I will read this everyday to remind me just where my brother is in his life today. I will continue to pray for him. I pray everyday for him , what I pray for myself.
((((hugs to all))))
Dar*
((((hugs to all))))
Dar*
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: kansas city, mo
Posts: 1
I am new to this
I just registered today and this was exactly what I was looking for when I signed up. This post could've been wriiten by my boyfriend. Ironically enough his name is John as well. Two days ago he told me he did not love me. I keep telling myself that this cannot be true because we have been planning a life together. We recently decided to move from Kansas City to San Fransico together. If he doesn't love me why would he have gone through all the trouble. John does a lot of coke. I guess I say that b/c it's hard to picture myself with a cocaine addict, but really that is what John is. I think that for the last several months he was trying to pretend that he could live a normal life and love a normal girl, but he can't. In a moment of clarity and honesty he must have decided that he cared enough to let me out. My heart is broken. I am silly to think that my love could have been enough to make him stop using. John doesn't want to stop. I am scared for him. He is a beautiful person and I am the only person in his life that cares and does not use. Even if we never are together again, I want him to be well. I love him, I am not an addict. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 1
So Sad
You all seem to have such a handle on your feelings. It has been 15 years of this stuff, and I am still coming unglued. My son seems to make progress... We think he has made a committment to get sober and then boom...off again.It is like experiencing death and ressurection over and over again. He is in big time denial. His doctor gave him oxycontin for a severe back injury after two unsuccessful surgeries. He is on psyc drugs for bipolar illness too. We warned that these drugs are a mistake. Of course, he refused to listen.He has been with the same woman for over 4 yrs. She is not an addict and is a well educated, nice person. He abuses her.She leaves. Then she returns to him. It is just awful. They have a two year old and a baby on the way. CPS has taken the two yr old. He blames us because we won't pay for expensive attorneys to get her back. He just received a sepina to appear in court for a custody and support hearing on his 2 yr old daughter. Now he says he will take the child and run because he doesn't want to go to jail for outstanding probation warrants in another state. What a mess. As a parent, or just a loved one, how do you stop worrying, focusing and thinking of what might happen and what could have been? I am so sad. It affects my relationship with my other son, husband and other family members.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: New Orleans, La.
Posts: 12
What happened to Jon? Is he in recovery? This post has been the most helpful thing I have ever read regarding addiction and has really helped me and my family deal with our brother's addiction to opiates.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: KIOWA, CO
Posts: 1
here it is almost 1 in the morning. the addict boyfriend asked me to borrow money earlier today so that he could send his sick child in the hospital some money and a card. i fell for it hook, line and sinker. i'm sure he sent his son a card anyway........maybe! i know where the money went though as i sit here alone. this is almost becoming funny. what will be even funnier is when he asks to borrow more money for gas or cigs and i tell him, no way baby!
i am so physically tired, have gotten about 2-3 hours sleep each night in the last week. time to move forward, for my children and myself........if he wants to come along for the ride, fine. but he will have to do it on his own time and money........not my time or money anymore. on that fine note and a little chuckle, i am going to bed!
i am so physically tired, have gotten about 2-3 hours sleep each night in the last week. time to move forward, for my children and myself........if he wants to come along for the ride, fine. but he will have to do it on his own time and money........not my time or money anymore. on that fine note and a little chuckle, i am going to bed!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Delburne
Posts: 3
Hearing that really broke my heart, BUT it's the truth and I needed to hear it. I look at my situation and realize that I'm not alone in this. I guess I feel like I've lost hope that him and I will ever have a happy, NORMAL relationship. Maybe it's best that I do move on without him. I don't want to be hurt over and over again. It's just too much, no matter how much I really love him.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Thanks!
I am feeling really low. I needed to read that. My husband is an addict and all his actions are described in that posting. Wow, it is amazing that people all over the country are feeling so miserable and helpless. I pray every day for a miracle-thats why I chose the name Miracle. Pray for me.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Cougar, thanks for your prayers. My husband came back lastnight, after being gone for a few days-It was 3:30 AM- This is all so new to me. I have only been dealing with this for about a month now. For the first time-lastnight- I didnt open the door , I told him to GO AWAY. That was the hardest thing for me to do in the whole world. Keep up the prayers as the holidays get closer and I get weaker. Pray for miracles!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hey Clancy - are you an addict or someone dealing with an addict?
I think this post works for those of us dealing with addiction from the outside, not the inside.
Because, what would you have us do with "the good in people"?
Will it give us shelter to know that our addict who stole the rent money is a good person? Will it mend a child's heart to know his mommy who won't choose him over her drug is a "good person"? Does it help the shopkeeper who gives his life trying to protect his family's livelihood to know that the addict who shot him was a "good person"?
Addicts do what they do to get their drugs.... because they are addicts FIRST. They are good people...second.
Of COURSE we love our addicts... indeed WE become addicted to their chaos! WE know the real, beautiful, loving person inside the horrid, lying, stealing, cheating, wretch who used to be our dear loved one.
Don't ever forget that WE still see the real person. The good one.
But we NEED to be warned. What they do is what they do. And they do it for their drug. They don't do things for us.
They don't stop lying because they love us. They don't stop stealing because they love us. They don't stop cheating because they love us.
When an addict finally finds recovery... I believe it is because they start to do so FOR THEMSELVES.
So we co-dependents (who mainly inhabit the Nar-Anon forum) need to remember it has NOTHING TO DO WITH US. Because... addicts lie.
Oh yeah -- and so do we. We lie about our boundaries.... never again... only one more time... not any more... I promise this is the last time...
And you know what? We are good people, too.
The drug is evil, but we need Jon's post to be reminded that it is the DRUG we are dealing with, the ADDICT, not the person we used to know.
I hope this helps.
BigSis
Hmmm... Clancy has erased her post. So....in the immortal words of Rosanne Rosanna Danna...
Never mind.
I think this post works for those of us dealing with addiction from the outside, not the inside.
Because, what would you have us do with "the good in people"?
Will it give us shelter to know that our addict who stole the rent money is a good person? Will it mend a child's heart to know his mommy who won't choose him over her drug is a "good person"? Does it help the shopkeeper who gives his life trying to protect his family's livelihood to know that the addict who shot him was a "good person"?
Addicts do what they do to get their drugs.... because they are addicts FIRST. They are good people...second.
Of COURSE we love our addicts... indeed WE become addicted to their chaos! WE know the real, beautiful, loving person inside the horrid, lying, stealing, cheating, wretch who used to be our dear loved one.
Don't ever forget that WE still see the real person. The good one.
But we NEED to be warned. What they do is what they do. And they do it for their drug. They don't do things for us.
They don't stop lying because they love us. They don't stop stealing because they love us. They don't stop cheating because they love us.
When an addict finally finds recovery... I believe it is because they start to do so FOR THEMSELVES.
So we co-dependents (who mainly inhabit the Nar-Anon forum) need to remember it has NOTHING TO DO WITH US. Because... addicts lie.
Oh yeah -- and so do we. We lie about our boundaries.... never again... only one more time... not any more... I promise this is the last time...
And you know what? We are good people, too.
The drug is evil, but we need Jon's post to be reminded that it is the DRUG we are dealing with, the ADDICT, not the person we used to know.
I hope this helps.
BigSis
Hmmm... Clancy has erased her post. So....in the immortal words of Rosanne Rosanna Danna...
Never mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: LONDON UK
Posts: 274
Well I erased my posts because I saw that I was in Nar anon, i just came here from the new posts,i didnt see which forum it was. I thought addicts may not be welcome here as men arent in the womens section.
But seeing as you answered. What are you to do with the good in people? Well for myself it made a tremendous difference to know thatthe person who 'wronged' me was actually a good person. I was abandoned as a baby and grew up thinking my mumwas an ogre for acting that way.eventually she was traced, and through extensive negotiation with social workers,I learned that she was,after all a caring person,and thought that by leaving in the baby box at the hospital,she was giving me a chance that she couldnt offer as she had so many problems,including addiction.Knowing this made all the difference to me,and I was able to move on from that particular hurt.And yes,it would also make a difference to me to know that if my loved one was killed by addict,thatthey were really a 'good' person who had done aterrible act because of,say the horrible desperate suffereing of withdrawal.To understand the reasonthat something happened is ,for many people,vital in closure.
Also the vast majority of addicts arent as Jon described. They may have have some of those traits, but in the huge amount of addicts ive known,ive only ever met one person who i could describe in that way.
I have been addicted to painkillers that I was initially given for a legitamate reason, but I havent broken the law or acted in the way described,nor did my partner who had a similar problem,in fact he worked hard to keep a roof over my head while i was unable to work and was very good to me. There ARE people who suffer from this disease who are like that, of course there are, just as there are monstrous people with a mental illness,or monstrous people with diabetes....but they are in the minority. If it has been your misfortune in life to meet more of your fair share of crazy addicts,then I can understand how you might feel like this, but please know that there are far more 'good' folk who struggle quietly but painfully with their addictions without wronging a soul.
We ARE are people first, just as 'codies' are people first.
But seeing as you answered. What are you to do with the good in people? Well for myself it made a tremendous difference to know thatthe person who 'wronged' me was actually a good person. I was abandoned as a baby and grew up thinking my mumwas an ogre for acting that way.eventually she was traced, and through extensive negotiation with social workers,I learned that she was,after all a caring person,and thought that by leaving in the baby box at the hospital,she was giving me a chance that she couldnt offer as she had so many problems,including addiction.Knowing this made all the difference to me,and I was able to move on from that particular hurt.And yes,it would also make a difference to me to know that if my loved one was killed by addict,thatthey were really a 'good' person who had done aterrible act because of,say the horrible desperate suffereing of withdrawal.To understand the reasonthat something happened is ,for many people,vital in closure.
Also the vast majority of addicts arent as Jon described. They may have have some of those traits, but in the huge amount of addicts ive known,ive only ever met one person who i could describe in that way.
I have been addicted to painkillers that I was initially given for a legitamate reason, but I havent broken the law or acted in the way described,nor did my partner who had a similar problem,in fact he worked hard to keep a roof over my head while i was unable to work and was very good to me. There ARE people who suffer from this disease who are like that, of course there are, just as there are monstrous people with a mental illness,or monstrous people with diabetes....but they are in the minority. If it has been your misfortune in life to meet more of your fair share of crazy addicts,then I can understand how you might feel like this, but please know that there are far more 'good' folk who struggle quietly but painfully with their addictions without wronging a soul.
We ARE are people first, just as 'codies' are people first.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Thanks for coming back in, Clancy and reposting. Your position is a bit different than for many of us. We have a good person in our lives that we already believe we love and know. Suddenly, strange shi$ starts to occur. Money disappears, friends change, jobs are lost, cars are lost.... relationships are lost.
If you and "the majority of addicts" you know don't do this, then perhaps they are not addicts at all. In which case, you are correct, Jon's statement does not apply to you or to them.
In my experience (I am an alcoholic sober without program for 20 years, am an adult child of alcholics - whom I love very much, the mother of 2 addicts, the sister of an addict/alcoholic and cousin/aunt to many more), I've not encountered an addict or alcoholic who doesn't lie about using and who doesn't put their drug of choice first in their life.
For we codependents who live with them, we are faced with many difficulties caused by the addiction.
We often need to determine what is "real" because we really believe we are dealing with a "normie" for an INCREDIBLY long time. But bizarre things begin to occur, yet the addict will convince us that the trouble is with US! With OUR perception, with OUR values, WITH US! We become convinced that we aren't doing something correctly, that we are too controlling, have unreal expectations.... that we are crazy.
We become as sick as the addict, and MOST of that is because of the lies. It is because the addict puts his or her drug above everything else. It is because we are NOT dealing with our loved one. We are dealing with an addict. We are dealing with the drug.
In my opinion, Jon's post does NOT say that addicts are not good people. In fact, trying to factor in "good" is what gets us crazy. Because "good" people DON'T do the things addicts do. Yet, I love my addicts. So, *I* must be the one with the problem. By just taking that "good/bad" out of the equation, it makes it so much easier. We are dealing with a DRUG, not a person.
BigSis
If you and "the majority of addicts" you know don't do this, then perhaps they are not addicts at all. In which case, you are correct, Jon's statement does not apply to you or to them.
In my experience (I am an alcoholic sober without program for 20 years, am an adult child of alcholics - whom I love very much, the mother of 2 addicts, the sister of an addict/alcoholic and cousin/aunt to many more), I've not encountered an addict or alcoholic who doesn't lie about using and who doesn't put their drug of choice first in their life.
For we codependents who live with them, we are faced with many difficulties caused by the addiction.
We often need to determine what is "real" because we really believe we are dealing with a "normie" for an INCREDIBLY long time. But bizarre things begin to occur, yet the addict will convince us that the trouble is with US! With OUR perception, with OUR values, WITH US! We become convinced that we aren't doing something correctly, that we are too controlling, have unreal expectations.... that we are crazy.
We become as sick as the addict, and MOST of that is because of the lies. It is because the addict puts his or her drug above everything else. It is because we are NOT dealing with our loved one. We are dealing with an addict. We are dealing with the drug.
In my opinion, Jon's post does NOT say that addicts are not good people. In fact, trying to factor in "good" is what gets us crazy. Because "good" people DON'T do the things addicts do. Yet, I love my addicts. So, *I* must be the one with the problem. By just taking that "good/bad" out of the equation, it makes it so much easier. We are dealing with a DRUG, not a person.
BigSis
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Kelowna,Canada B.C.
Posts: 46
I agree with Jon's post, I have 2 addict sons in my life they have never been in jail almost though for selling drugs and stealing,everything Jon say fits them to a toot,they are the best people when they are clean,but while in addiction they drug comes first ,they will do anything to get crack.I remember hiding my stuff from them if they came over to Visit. They have pawned everything the have.
I love them very much
Muf
I love them very much
Muf
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