RobbyRobot

How am I doing tonight? Thanks for asking courage

I'm doing fine. The bunch of us - Melissa, myself, her son's and their friend are laughing it up watching "Family Feud" they are up for a few days visiting. Its awesome. Oldest is twenty and youngest 13. Its a joke a minute - lol. They drove up from near Boston. About 8 hrs. They are starting to tire a bit. Going to bed now.

Of course, there is all the internal stuff still going on with me, but that hasn't stopped us from having some good laughs. They know about my cancer and its doing them good to see I'm not looking as sick as they might have thought I would appear. I'm okay with putting on a good face as its not like I have to fake it or anything. I feel good about myself in that way celebrating my life.

EndGameNYC

Hi fini.

I'm very happy that you had a good experience with your amends. Even when circumstances have made it impossible for me to do so, the willingness alone was transformational for me. A veritable peace treaty among the conflicts within myself.

One thing that I've experienced when making amends is to feel much more compassion for people I've harmed, even when they've hurt me or tried to hurt me in the past. With a sober mind, their struggles become much clearer to me, and I want nothing more than the best for them. Life is suffering, and I only degrade myself when I add to my own suffering and the suffering of other people.

I've also had experiences in which those I've harmed imagined that they were the hurtful party, and then came alive with my willingness to take responsibility for my part in their suffering. We can never fully know the effects our making amends has on other people.

I believe that acts of courage are cumulative, not in the sense that they get easier, but that they become more integrated in who we are as people, and no longer exist in the file that's labeled, "stuff i wasn't ever ever EVER going to do."

RobbyRobot

I did have a good visit thanks for asking brynn. We talked about the dysfunction in our blood family growing up. Some tough times. He is still hurting from some of that as he is wanting closure that isn't coming. I'm helping him to realize he has to create his own closure because our parents will never own up to the dysfunction. They feel they are doing right by simply saying "we did our best, and if that isn't good enough then we don't know what else to do." Yeah. Whatever. That sorry song gets old fast, for me anyways.

I grew up in dysfunction. I have done better than they could ever have imagined. They think I just got lucky in life, lol. Unbelievable. Like I had nothing to do with my own success. Wow.

So, since my younger brother is open to bringing closure to stop the hurting then I'm awesomely interested in helping him. It's doable.

courage2

Yay. G'nite to you & your close ones. xx

RobbyRobot

Goodnight courage.

trachemys

And again I walk with Titans. Dying, you help others.

brynn

This is neat. I mean, not just talking about the dysfunction with each other but being able to create closure for yourself and then helping him do the same.

My parents always dismiss our family dysfunction by throwing it couldn't have been that bad since all you kids graduated from college in our faces....like higher education makes up for it all. Lunacy.

Not sure how to go about creating my own closure but would love to hear how you've gone about it.

I'm really glad you and your brother can talk of such things. It sounds comforting.

Night Robby.

RobbyRobot

Thanks brynn. Sure, we'll have some shares about closure in the thread and see where we go with it.

Night to you too brynn.

Cow

Every time I see new therapist, counselor, healer, psychiatrist, etc., as soon as they find out I molested by pappa and my momma had rage disorder, it take FOREVER to convince them I not suffering with low self-esteems and shame and self-loathing and guilt and self-blame. I always like ...um, no, I actual think quite highly of self, and, in fact, total blames my parents! Therapists has incredible hard time to believe this.

At least now, finally, I has find counselor who very first time I say it, she looking right in my eyes, and she just say: "...good."

RobbyRobot

Yeah. Dysfunctional abuse in families is often complicated for any of us to process for many good reasons. Usually such abuse manifests in childhood, and so the "victim" is taught there is no "victim" and family life is just as normal as apple pie. And also taught authority figures such as parents and adults cannot be wrong if they at the same time love you and look after you. These two simple "standard" delusions once established, are enough to create years of hardship and sufferings for children growing into adulthood.

How a person chooses or chooses not to suffer is also complicated enough for me anyways. Cow, I'm not ready to say you are today suffering from whatever abuse was done to you. At the same time being human, you have already suffered and now have closure, or you have not yet suffered because you refuse to believe you have been abused in the first place so then such suffering would be fake.

Please tell me there was a time you suffered from the abuse and now you have closure?

Cow

Here is how I sees it, Robby. I suffering from the "trajectory" of abuse my parents put me on. My parents derail me at very young age, and it put me on runaway train course that I not even yet still able to recover from.

But. Does I understand that it total only up to me now to right self and do best for self. Yes, I do. Of course. Does I have closure with parents and what they put me through. Hell no! But I also accepts that sometimes you just has walk out a door without any f*cking closure and get on with you life, cuz it all in you hands now. So, maybe release of wanting closure is my closure.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, wanting release from closure is indeed a closure in itself. My parents will never come to terms with their responsibilities with respect to my upbringing. In that sense, I'll never have closure if I expect their participation. So yeah, I walked out that door too. Way back when I was still a kid of 12. My suffering at their hands became my responsibility to end, and so I ended it. They no longer played the game with me. All pretense between us stopped cold. It is no surprise to me I also drank at this age. Without alcohol to get myself away from myself, I would have offed myself. I didn't come to my sense until I finally quit age 24. But yeah, I had closure from their abuse the same day I took responsibility of my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Yup. I understand Cow you're not presently suffering from their past abuse against you, and you have closure from whatever the hell happened with your parents in the past.

Cow

Yes, looking back, is not surprise I turn to eating disorder, self harm, alcohols and drug in a cascade of ways to dissasociate from self and surroundings during this time that I separating from momma and pappa as my parents and protectors. What a very hard thing for a child to do. Make perfect sense that oblivion total preferable to me. Unfortunately, I still waking up from it. And has to look back at so much wasted life.

Couple things I think was epiphany for me, was coming to conclusions that: "Not matter how I go wrong, what is there to do now, but go right." and "I not have to continue to suffer, to validate previous sufferings." That was big one.

Jeni26

Good morning all. Many times I go away after reading to discover a bit more of myself. Today is one of those days.

Thankyou Robby and Cow.

Closure has happened for me too.

Have a good day everyone ❤️

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Amy
Many thanks to everyone who contributes here.

My feelings on closure are pretty much the same as my feelings on damage, actually.

I was born damaged. I had a lot more damage piled on me, and like the dilligent student I've always been, I learned how to effectively damage myself a little more...

Meh.

I'm done with damage - and I can shut doors with no trouble - don't need anyone's help or permission to close a door on anything.

May you all have a wonderful week, knowing you are all loved and cherished

D

RobbyRobot

Awesomely well said D. I really appreciate your real life experiences. I'm so glad you're sober and happy mate!!

Sounds like you're taking a week off? If you are you deserve it, and if you're not, that's okay too, lol. Best wishes and love to you too my good friend.

RobbyRobot

Morning all y'all!! Rainy and chilly here today. Worse tomorrow, lol. We had planned on taking the boys out on the boat. Hmmm. Its not a lot of fun to be on a chilly boat and no sunshine. If we were fishing that would be okay weather wise, lol.

ArtFriend

Good morning everyone. Sorry the weather is so crappy Rob. However, if you want to trade places, I'm up for it! It is sunny today here and going up to 95. Texas summers are cruel. Like the song. But, the fall, winter and spring make up for it. Hope you can manage some fun with the boys Rob. I am dealing with attorneys today YUCK.

Wholesome

Morning everyone!

I hope no one minds if I jump in here and talk about closure. I had some dysfunction in my family growing up. There were some very inappropriate behaviours in my home, nothing sexual or physical abuse or anything, but some criminal things and lots of substance abuse. I'm not sure if there can always be closure. There is no changing what happened and what is a sorry going to do? I think it has to come from inside. It has to be accepted from within. And I think a person has to define themselves in adulthood with their own morals and values if the ones they grew up with were skewed. I've talked with my parents about what went on and it didn't change a thing. It is what it is. But I have the choice today to be the person that I want to be.

Soberwolf

Afternoon Robby & Melissa