Authenticity V

 
Old 07-05-2015, 06:13 PM
  # 321 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ajax's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Norfolk, MA
Posts: 792
You know, nothing makes a lot of sense these days.

I find myself most mornings, or more than likely, most afternoons, lying in bed
awake but afraid to open my eyes. It's very strange and sad, but I truly am afraid to physically open my eyes, as if keeping them closed will allow me to dream some more and keep the truth at bay.

My life is being mapped out for me for a time when I will be alone, but we don't know when that will be. Or how I will manage to live that life. It's like living with an Acme safe hanging over my head and never knowing when it will fall, but sure that it will at some point and it will hurt like nothing has hurt before.

I go to the store and stop myself from buying a new tablecloth or serving dish because I know it will become another thing that will be packed and brought to "my" new house.

There is no longer a steady flow to life. There's stops and starts.
No getting too comfortable because the next day everything will be different until it changes again.

A constant angst.
Tears forming in a second's notice.
An ache that hurts so badly now that I can't imagine surviving the hurt later.

Alone.
Ajax is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 06:14 PM
  # 322 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Wow... words fail me. Are you for real Rob? I know you are posting thru your pain, but really? I have a screaming mee-mee if I have a hang nail. I am thinking maybe the "higher power" or "god" or whatever you conceive that to be has a figurative "hand" on your shoulder? I really hope that is true. And I hope that the coming months are filled with the strength you show now. Actually, I hope the strength is magnified! Amazing. Really.
ArtFriend is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 06:14 PM
  # 323 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Robby)) - I'm sorry about the pain but I do know several people that pain management works well as it's not all about narcotics, some other stuff makes the narcotic work better or longer..something like that.

We had home hospice for my buddy that died from alzheimers. They weren't around, all the time, but if you needed them, the nearest nurse came immediately. Anything I asked for I got to take care of him and the family was always involved.

I hope you and Melissa get to go on a nice vacation with the sale of the boats. You both need it and deserve it.

Love, hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 06:16 PM
  # 324 (permalink)  
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
 
RobbyRobot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
((((Melissa))))
I love you! I'm so sorry this is happening to us.
RobbyRobot is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 06:21 PM
  # 325 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Originally Posted by Ajax View Post
You know, nothing makes a lot of sense these days.

I find myself most mornings, or more than likely, most afternoons, lying in bed
awake but afraid to open my eyes. It's very strange and sad, but I truly am afraid to physically open my eyes, as if keeping them closed will allow me to dream some more and keep the truth at bay.

My life is being mapped out for me for a time when I will be alone, but we don't know when that will be. Or how I will manage to live that life. It's like living with an Acme safe hanging over my head and never knowing when it will fall, but sure that it will at some point and it will hurt like nothing has hurt before.

I go to the store and stop myself from buying a new tablecloth or serving dish because I know it will become another thing that will be packed and brought to "my" new house.

There is no longer a steady flow to life. There's stops and starts.
No getting too comfortable because the next day everything will be different until it changes again.

A constant angst.
Tears forming in a second's notice.
An ache that hurts so badly now that I can't imagine surviving the hurt later.

Alone.
We posted at the same time. I am very sorry for you Melissa. I can't pretend to know your pain. Please know you are NOT alone.
ArtFriend is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 06:23 PM
  # 326 (permalink)  
Marchia in Aeternum
 
trachemys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Rob, Melissa...words fail me. Love to you.
trachemys is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 06:24 PM
  # 327 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
I have no word, either, but my heart is breaking for the two of you. *hugs*
suki44883 is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 06:24 PM
  # 328 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I am so, so deeply sorry, Melissa.

(((Melissa and Robby)))

I hope you manage to get some semblance of rest tonight.
Gilmer is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 06:28 PM
  # 329 (permalink)  
Member
 
Venecia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,859
Rob and Melissa,

My heart goes out to both of you. I wish I had adequate words, but anything I come up with seems to fall flat.

One question for you, Rob, about your care. Is a pain management physician part of your team? It would be, I am quite sure, a helpful addition.

Melissa, you noted you don't know how you will life the life that's being mapped out for you. The specifics will take their shape in time. But I am convinced that you will live your life then as you do now -- with grace and courage.

My thoughts are with everyone here. If I may, I'd like to ask folks here to keep one of our dear fellow journeyers in thoughts and prayers. They are needed; the foe has returned.

Thank you.

Peace be with us.

Venecia
Venecia is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 07:00 PM
  # 330 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Oh Melissa! I can't even imagine how hard it must be to live every day knowing that you are losing the person you love most in the world! It is just heartbreaking. No matter how much he tries to plan the future to ease that for you he cannot take away your loss of him. It is bringing tears to my eyes. You guys clearly love each other very much and for that you are lucky. Not everyone out there gets to have what you guys do.

As far as the hospice.... from what my mom told me and what I saw with her bf's passing the nurses were tremendously helpful and supportive. They came everyday and took care of him so he could pass at home the way that they wanted him to. They helped to manage the pain and keep him as comfortable as possible. They also set my mom with help as it was really hard on her. I'm sure you both can expect the same.

Keep being brave!
Wholesome is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 07:13 PM
  # 331 (permalink)  
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
 
alphaomega's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,884
((((((((Melissa))))))).

Gosh I wish I could just scoop you up and hold your hand, and promise you everything is going to be ok.

I can give you this though right now.

You and Robby are soul mates. That doesn't end when our temporary bodily vehicles putter out on us. That, never ever ever ends.

I promise you this. I will share more as we journey on together.

But for now, know, there is no such thing as "death". That's a myth perpetuated by The Veil of Forgetfullness.

(((((((((((((((((((Friends))))))))))))
alphaomega is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 07:40 PM
  # 332 (permalink)  
Member
 
fini's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,241
dear Melissa

keeping our eyes closed did work when we were kids, yes? it's a useful thing to do at times....it's not that we don't KNOW the reality, just that we need a break, a little space, a few moments to gather ....

from the little you post, it's quite clear you're open-eyed.
and open-hearted.
fini is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 07:44 PM
  # 333 (permalink)  
p***enger
 
courage2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 18,988
Melissa.... we'll be here with you. That's the idea, I think -- just a little company, for what it's worth.
courage2 is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 08:19 PM
  # 334 (permalink)  
Member
 
puffy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 283
Melissa,
That is so heart wrenching. Wish I had some secret sauce that would take away both of your pains.
Puffy
puffy is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 11:17 PM
  # 335 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jeni26's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Oh Melissa, that is just heartbreaking. I wish we could all live closer to give more support, I would love to invite you round for a cup of tea and a sit in the garden and just let you talk.

Closing your eyes to avoid reality sinking in, yes I've done that too. I've also woken and for a brief moment forgotten the angst, and then have it descend all at once. Sad times.

I agree with AO. There is far more to life and death and there have been times when I felt my Nan's arm around my shoulder and she's been as close as though she were alive and sitting next to me. Death doesn't break any bonds. Our lives here are short and then we have eternity together.

My experience of hospice care is a positive one. My dad had hospice care at home and they were wonderful in every respect. They also looked after us as a family and offered free counselling should we have needed it. He never suffered and was in his home with the people he loved when he passed.

Sending you both a huge hug from across the ocean. We are standing shoulder to shoulder with you ❤️❤️❤️
Jeni26 is offline  
Old 07-05-2015, 11:27 PM
  # 336 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
(((Melissa)))

I doubt there are any words meaningful enough - but we have yours, and Robs, back, always.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 07-06-2015, 05:03 AM
  # 337 (permalink)  
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
 
RobbyRobot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Thanks friends. Although words are not enough in so many ways, they are indeed enough for our feeling loved and cared for by so many here as Melissa and I endure through what looks like an impossibility. We thank you all for having us not be alone here on SR. We are both God loving folk, and we have our own simple understanding with respect to God on what is happening with us. We haven't, and we won't, choose to turn our hearts cold and jaded against love and friendship



RobbyRobot is offline  
Old 07-06-2015, 07:11 AM
  # 338 (permalink)  
happy, joyous an free!
 
Lovenjoy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Robby and Melissa, you are on my heart and in my prayers as i find myself more present than usual this glorious summer morn.....

you are both so very inspirational on being true to self no matter what life hands us.

Lovenjoy is offline  
Old 07-06-2015, 07:56 AM
  # 339 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 07-06-2015, 09:40 AM
  # 340 (permalink)  
...holds the key
 
brynn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
(((((Melissa and Robby)))))

Much love to you both.
brynn is offline  
 

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:47 AM.