Authenticity V
You know, nothing makes a lot of sense these days.
I find myself most mornings, or more than likely, most afternoons, lying in bed
awake but afraid to open my eyes. It's very strange and sad, but I truly am afraid to physically open my eyes, as if keeping them closed will allow me to dream some more and keep the truth at bay.
My life is being mapped out for me for a time when I will be alone, but we don't know when that will be. Or how I will manage to live that life. It's like living with an Acme safe hanging over my head and never knowing when it will fall, but sure that it will at some point and it will hurt like nothing has hurt before.
I go to the store and stop myself from buying a new tablecloth or serving dish because I know it will become another thing that will be packed and brought to "my" new house.
There is no longer a steady flow to life. There's stops and starts.
No getting too comfortable because the next day everything will be different until it changes again.
A constant angst.
Tears forming in a second's notice.
An ache that hurts so badly now that I can't imagine surviving the hurt later.
Alone.
I find myself most mornings, or more than likely, most afternoons, lying in bed
awake but afraid to open my eyes. It's very strange and sad, but I truly am afraid to physically open my eyes, as if keeping them closed will allow me to dream some more and keep the truth at bay.
My life is being mapped out for me for a time when I will be alone, but we don't know when that will be. Or how I will manage to live that life. It's like living with an Acme safe hanging over my head and never knowing when it will fall, but sure that it will at some point and it will hurt like nothing has hurt before.
I go to the store and stop myself from buying a new tablecloth or serving dish because I know it will become another thing that will be packed and brought to "my" new house.
There is no longer a steady flow to life. There's stops and starts.
No getting too comfortable because the next day everything will be different until it changes again.
A constant angst.
Tears forming in a second's notice.
An ache that hurts so badly now that I can't imagine surviving the hurt later.
Alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Wow... words fail me. Are you for real Rob? I know you are posting thru your pain, but really? I have a screaming mee-mee if I have a hang nail. I am thinking maybe the "higher power" or "god" or whatever you conceive that to be has a figurative "hand" on your shoulder? I really hope that is true. And I hope that the coming months are filled with the strength you show now. Actually, I hope the strength is magnified! Amazing. Really.
((Robby)) - I'm sorry about the pain but I do know several people that pain management works well as it's not all about narcotics, some other stuff makes the narcotic work better or longer..something like that.
We had home hospice for my buddy that died from alzheimers. They weren't around, all the time, but if you needed them, the nearest nurse came immediately. Anything I asked for I got to take care of him and the family was always involved.
I hope you and Melissa get to go on a nice vacation with the sale of the boats. You both need it and deserve it.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
We had home hospice for my buddy that died from alzheimers. They weren't around, all the time, but if you needed them, the nearest nurse came immediately. Anything I asked for I got to take care of him and the family was always involved.
I hope you and Melissa get to go on a nice vacation with the sale of the boats. You both need it and deserve it.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
You know, nothing makes a lot of sense these days.
I find myself most mornings, or more than likely, most afternoons, lying in bed
awake but afraid to open my eyes. It's very strange and sad, but I truly am afraid to physically open my eyes, as if keeping them closed will allow me to dream some more and keep the truth at bay.
My life is being mapped out for me for a time when I will be alone, but we don't know when that will be. Or how I will manage to live that life. It's like living with an Acme safe hanging over my head and never knowing when it will fall, but sure that it will at some point and it will hurt like nothing has hurt before.
I go to the store and stop myself from buying a new tablecloth or serving dish because I know it will become another thing that will be packed and brought to "my" new house.
There is no longer a steady flow to life. There's stops and starts.
No getting too comfortable because the next day everything will be different until it changes again.
A constant angst.
Tears forming in a second's notice.
An ache that hurts so badly now that I can't imagine surviving the hurt later.
Alone.
I find myself most mornings, or more than likely, most afternoons, lying in bed
awake but afraid to open my eyes. It's very strange and sad, but I truly am afraid to physically open my eyes, as if keeping them closed will allow me to dream some more and keep the truth at bay.
My life is being mapped out for me for a time when I will be alone, but we don't know when that will be. Or how I will manage to live that life. It's like living with an Acme safe hanging over my head and never knowing when it will fall, but sure that it will at some point and it will hurt like nothing has hurt before.
I go to the store and stop myself from buying a new tablecloth or serving dish because I know it will become another thing that will be packed and brought to "my" new house.
There is no longer a steady flow to life. There's stops and starts.
No getting too comfortable because the next day everything will be different until it changes again.
A constant angst.
Tears forming in a second's notice.
An ache that hurts so badly now that I can't imagine surviving the hurt later.
Alone.
Rob and Melissa,
My heart goes out to both of you. I wish I had adequate words, but anything I come up with seems to fall flat.
One question for you, Rob, about your care. Is a pain management physician part of your team? It would be, I am quite sure, a helpful addition.
Melissa, you noted you don't know how you will life the life that's being mapped out for you. The specifics will take their shape in time. But I am convinced that you will live your life then as you do now -- with grace and courage.
My thoughts are with everyone here. If I may, I'd like to ask folks here to keep one of our dear fellow journeyers in thoughts and prayers. They are needed; the foe has returned.
Thank you.
Peace be with us.
Venecia
My heart goes out to both of you. I wish I had adequate words, but anything I come up with seems to fall flat.
One question for you, Rob, about your care. Is a pain management physician part of your team? It would be, I am quite sure, a helpful addition.
Melissa, you noted you don't know how you will life the life that's being mapped out for you. The specifics will take their shape in time. But I am convinced that you will live your life then as you do now -- with grace and courage.
My thoughts are with everyone here. If I may, I'd like to ask folks here to keep one of our dear fellow journeyers in thoughts and prayers. They are needed; the foe has returned.
Thank you.
Peace be with us.
Venecia
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Oh Melissa! I can't even imagine how hard it must be to live every day knowing that you are losing the person you love most in the world! It is just heartbreaking. No matter how much he tries to plan the future to ease that for you he cannot take away your loss of him. It is bringing tears to my eyes. You guys clearly love each other very much and for that you are lucky. Not everyone out there gets to have what you guys do.
As far as the hospice.... from what my mom told me and what I saw with her bf's passing the nurses were tremendously helpful and supportive. They came everyday and took care of him so he could pass at home the way that they wanted him to. They helped to manage the pain and keep him as comfortable as possible. They also set my mom with help as it was really hard on her. I'm sure you both can expect the same.
Keep being brave!
As far as the hospice.... from what my mom told me and what I saw with her bf's passing the nurses were tremendously helpful and supportive. They came everyday and took care of him so he could pass at home the way that they wanted him to. They helped to manage the pain and keep him as comfortable as possible. They also set my mom with help as it was really hard on her. I'm sure you both can expect the same.
Keep being brave!
((((((((Melissa))))))).
Gosh I wish I could just scoop you up and hold your hand, and promise you everything is going to be ok.
I can give you this though right now.
You and Robby are soul mates. That doesn't end when our temporary bodily vehicles putter out on us. That, never ever ever ends.
I promise you this. I will share more as we journey on together.
But for now, know, there is no such thing as "death". That's a myth perpetuated by The Veil of Forgetfullness.
(((((((((((((((((((Friends))))))))))))
Gosh I wish I could just scoop you up and hold your hand, and promise you everything is going to be ok.
I can give you this though right now.
You and Robby are soul mates. That doesn't end when our temporary bodily vehicles putter out on us. That, never ever ever ends.
I promise you this. I will share more as we journey on together.
But for now, know, there is no such thing as "death". That's a myth perpetuated by The Veil of Forgetfullness.
(((((((((((((((((((Friends))))))))))))
dear Melissa
keeping our eyes closed did work when we were kids, yes? it's a useful thing to do at times....it's not that we don't KNOW the reality, just that we need a break, a little space, a few moments to gather ....
from the little you post, it's quite clear you're open-eyed.
and open-hearted.
keeping our eyes closed did work when we were kids, yes? it's a useful thing to do at times....it's not that we don't KNOW the reality, just that we need a break, a little space, a few moments to gather ....
from the little you post, it's quite clear you're open-eyed.
and open-hearted.
Oh Melissa, that is just heartbreaking. I wish we could all live closer to give more support, I would love to invite you round for a cup of tea and a sit in the garden and just let you talk.
Closing your eyes to avoid reality sinking in, yes I've done that too. I've also woken and for a brief moment forgotten the angst, and then have it descend all at once. Sad times.
I agree with AO. There is far more to life and death and there have been times when I felt my Nan's arm around my shoulder and she's been as close as though she were alive and sitting next to me. Death doesn't break any bonds. Our lives here are short and then we have eternity together.
My experience of hospice care is a positive one. My dad had hospice care at home and they were wonderful in every respect. They also looked after us as a family and offered free counselling should we have needed it. He never suffered and was in his home with the people he loved when he passed.
Sending you both a huge hug from across the ocean. We are standing shoulder to shoulder with you ❤️❤️❤️
Closing your eyes to avoid reality sinking in, yes I've done that too. I've also woken and for a brief moment forgotten the angst, and then have it descend all at once. Sad times.
I agree with AO. There is far more to life and death and there have been times when I felt my Nan's arm around my shoulder and she's been as close as though she were alive and sitting next to me. Death doesn't break any bonds. Our lives here are short and then we have eternity together.
My experience of hospice care is a positive one. My dad had hospice care at home and they were wonderful in every respect. They also looked after us as a family and offered free counselling should we have needed it. He never suffered and was in his home with the people he loved when he passed.
Sending you both a huge hug from across the ocean. We are standing shoulder to shoulder with you ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks friends. Although words are not enough in so many ways, they are indeed enough for our feeling loved and cared for by so many here as Melissa and I endure through what looks like an impossibility. We thank you all for having us not be alone here on SR. We are both God loving folk, and we have our own simple understanding with respect to God on what is happening with us. We haven't, and we won't, choose to turn our hearts cold and jaded against love and friendship
Robby and Melissa, you are on my heart and in my prayers as i find myself more present than usual this glorious summer morn.....
you are both so very inspirational on being true to self no matter what life hands us.
you are both so very inspirational on being true to self no matter what life hands us.
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