Authenticity V
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi again, Robby, Melissa, and friends 
Ugh, I've been really buried into writing scientific papers and reports over the last 3 days... and it will continue for a while now that I don't plan to travel for a while.
This morning I had to teach in a class, but then I took a break and visited my tattooist I'd fancied getting tattoos more or less my entire life, and finally gathered enough decisiveness and courage to start around my 1-year sober anniversary... with the idea of a bigger and longer-term "project", but broken down to small segments. Initially, I went to continue it ~weekly for a while, and then just stopped... until this morning. So ~2 hours of suffering for the simplistic and apparently superficial desire to decorate my skin Now just back to work and more data analysis and writing.
I've just read through the most recent posts here about closure... now, that has always been something both very difficult, and in some (often superficial, avoidant ways) easy for me. The real issue of course is the difficult. I've had a life-long pattern of preferring to seemingly move on from things, people and places, rather than proper closure. Something I've been working on pretty intensely and consciously in the past 3-4 years. Of course the last phases of my drinking did not help this at all.
Hope everyone gets better weather tomorrow or later this week
Ugh, I've been really buried into writing scientific papers and reports over the last 3 days... and it will continue for a while now that I don't plan to travel for a while.
This morning I had to teach in a class, but then I took a break and visited my tattooist
I'd fancied getting tattoos more or less my entire life, and finally gathered enough decisiveness and courage to start around my 1-year sober anniversary... with the idea of a bigger and longer-term "project", but broken down to small segments. Initially, I went to continue it ~weekly for a while, and then just stopped... until this morning. So ~2 hours of suffering for the simplistic and apparently superficial desire to decorate my skin Now just back to work and more data analysis and writing.I've just read through the most recent posts here about closure... now, that has always been something both very difficult, and in some (often superficial, avoidant ways) easy for me. The real issue of course is the difficult. I've had a life-long pattern of preferring to seemingly move on from things, people and places, rather than proper closure. Something I've been working on pretty intensely and consciously in the past 3-4 years. Of course the last phases of my drinking did not help this at all.
Hope everyone gets better weather tomorrow or later this week
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Ugh is right. My day was definitely Ugh. Just a big ole case of the melancholy. And it was such a beautiful day here. Near perfect Southern summer day. I think it was just Mondayitis. Ennui · boredom · tedium · listlessness · lethargy · lassitude · languor. I need some new plans.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I lurk here often and learn so much from all of you but rarely post. I feel compelled to add to the conversation about closure, though:
In my life I have found that closure (or lack thereof) is closely tied to my own feelings of guilt. I am haunted, for example, by the lack of closure with my mom before she passed away. She was depressed and addicted to alcohol and painkillers while I was in my teens and twenties. I couldn't watch it so I eventually moved 1000 miles away. I didn't realize how ill she was and I was no help to her. I rarely even called. On top of that I was drunk and high myself, so I was mostly just in my own self-absorbed bubble. When she passed suddenly it almost killed me (emotionally and literally, and that sheet of acid didn't exactly bolster my psychological balance). That was twenty years ago, and I think it was the year that my partying started turning from relatively fun escapism and into the slow decent into misery.
Though I was still using when my father passed a few years ago, at least we had somewhat reconciled, and we had some heart-to-heart talks. We apologized to each other, though he claimed he didn't remember throwing me down the stairs, which kind of ticked me off. Still, he made some effort to admit he screwed up. He wasn't an addict like my mom; he was a narcissist.
One could argue that my parents owed me an apology more than I owed them, but I don't sense that I heal from others' apologies, though I do appreciate when people own their mistakes. Closure for me seems tied to releasing the guilt that tends to feed my self-loathing. When it comes to my family dysfunction, I was just trying to survive and protect myself in the only way I knew at the time - psychological (substances) and geographical distance.
When "real" closure isn't possible (meaning there is no way to reconcile or apologize), I try using gestalt methods through writing or meditation or talking to an empty chair. It's not a hug or a handshake, and there are no eyes to peer into in order to reconnect souls, but it's better than getting hammered and pretending the past never happened.
The weather here is hot and buggy. I've been working hard at home and preparing for another surgery. I'll be fine physically and emotionally, I suspect, at least for some years. In fact, I'm hoping after this surgery I will grow a bit younger and get back to as normal as one could expect.
Be strong, y'all. I gain strength just from reading your posts.
In my life I have found that closure (or lack thereof) is closely tied to my own feelings of guilt. I am haunted, for example, by the lack of closure with my mom before she passed away. She was depressed and addicted to alcohol and painkillers while I was in my teens and twenties. I couldn't watch it so I eventually moved 1000 miles away. I didn't realize how ill she was and I was no help to her. I rarely even called. On top of that I was drunk and high myself, so I was mostly just in my own self-absorbed bubble. When she passed suddenly it almost killed me (emotionally and literally, and that sheet of acid didn't exactly bolster my psychological balance). That was twenty years ago, and I think it was the year that my partying started turning from relatively fun escapism and into the slow decent into misery.
Though I was still using when my father passed a few years ago, at least we had somewhat reconciled, and we had some heart-to-heart talks. We apologized to each other, though he claimed he didn't remember throwing me down the stairs, which kind of ticked me off. Still, he made some effort to admit he screwed up. He wasn't an addict like my mom; he was a narcissist.
One could argue that my parents owed me an apology more than I owed them, but I don't sense that I heal from others' apologies, though I do appreciate when people own their mistakes. Closure for me seems tied to releasing the guilt that tends to feed my self-loathing. When it comes to my family dysfunction, I was just trying to survive and protect myself in the only way I knew at the time - psychological (substances) and geographical distance.
When "real" closure isn't possible (meaning there is no way to reconcile or apologize), I try using gestalt methods through writing or meditation or talking to an empty chair. It's not a hug or a handshake, and there are no eyes to peer into in order to reconnect souls, but it's better than getting hammered and pretending the past never happened.
The weather here is hot and buggy. I've been working hard at home and preparing for another surgery. I'll be fine physically and emotionally, I suspect, at least for some years. In fact, I'm hoping after this surgery I will grow a bit younger and get back to as normal as one could expect.
Be strong, y'all. I gain strength just from reading your posts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thanks Zero... I do hope you find closure as you define it, or something close to it. My closure is knowing that I will never have closure. There is too much in my history and it would take me the rest of my life and a host of mental health professionals to sort it all out. My brother says "it is what it is" which is really a non-statement, but I get the essence of what he is saying. I think all of us (addicts and non) are walking wounded. We all have our coping mechanisms and strategies which may work or not. The best we can hope for is some semblance of peace, I think. That doesn't mean all hurts are tied up in a neat package with a pretty bow and put to rest. I think it means that we gather what strengths we have, face our fears, work on being the best we can be, and forgive ourselves when we fail. Because we all fail. But it is OK.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Thanks, folks. I actually feel that "It is what it is" can be very much a powerful statement. It reminds me not to judge - others or myself - and that many things are beyond my control, especially events from the past. It serves as an abbreviated serenity prayer at times. The wisdom to know the difference.
That last post was kind of sad, but the truth is I'm doing better than I have in quite some time, and my suffering is nothing compared to much of what I read here (not that comparisons in this realm have much value). Mom passed 20 years ago on the solstice, so it's not a fresh wound by any means, but given that it's been 20 years kind of speaks to its depth. The summer solstice is the longest day of the year in more ways than one for me.
This year I was at SONIC BLOOM | June 18-21, 2015 | 10 Year Family Reunion for the solstice, and I participated in the global meditation during the solstice moment with dozens of folks in a geodesic dome and thousands around the world. Very cool way to celebrate life and ring in the summer months.
Last time I went to this festival was 2008. I was trashed and the scene was in many ways kind of ugly. They have a new venue, and though I was hesitant to venture into a four day camping festival dripping with electronica and all that comes with it, I was happy to see that the festival has grown up. Sure, there were drugs and alcohol everywhere, but it didn't phase me, I had no desire to partake, and I felt like my experience was as magical and psychedelic - perhaps more authentically so - than my previous experience.
Every moment is, indeed, icing on the cake. Life is a miracle, and some of us, in particular, are more than blessed to have escaped active addiction with our lives.
Dance, children. Play. Soak up the sun. Hug somebody. Forgive and remember and accept...
That last post was kind of sad, but the truth is I'm doing better than I have in quite some time, and my suffering is nothing compared to much of what I read here (not that comparisons in this realm have much value). Mom passed 20 years ago on the solstice, so it's not a fresh wound by any means, but given that it's been 20 years kind of speaks to its depth. The summer solstice is the longest day of the year in more ways than one for me.
This year I was at SONIC BLOOM | June 18-21, 2015 | 10 Year Family Reunion for the solstice, and I participated in the global meditation during the solstice moment with dozens of folks in a geodesic dome and thousands around the world. Very cool way to celebrate life and ring in the summer months.
Last time I went to this festival was 2008. I was trashed and the scene was in many ways kind of ugly. They have a new venue, and though I was hesitant to venture into a four day camping festival dripping with electronica and all that comes with it, I was happy to see that the festival has grown up. Sure, there were drugs and alcohol everywhere, but it didn't phase me, I had no desire to partake, and I felt like my experience was as magical and psychedelic - perhaps more authentically so - than my previous experience.
Every moment is, indeed, icing on the cake. Life is a miracle, and some of us, in particular, are more than blessed to have escaped active addiction with our lives.
Dance, children. Play. Soak up the sun. Hug somebody. Forgive and remember and accept...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
I believe that acts of courage are cumulative, not in the sense that they get easier, but that they become more integrated in who we are as people, and no longer exist in the file that's labeled, "stuff i wasn't ever ever EVER going to do."
not so sure about the file, EndGame, but i do agree with the cumulative building up of a more courageous, integrated/integral "self".
or maybe i misunderstood and that's not how you mean it at all.
the file labeled "stuff i wasn't ever ever EVER going to do." is actually labeled " "stuff i wasn't ever ever EVER going to do and then did!"
looking back, i'm musing about the instructiveness to myself of how that process worked.
moving from NeverEver to seeing the benefit i just might be able to derive (since clearly others showed they had benefitted) to trying it all out in my head for a couple of years to no avail and then moving to determined and to okay trusting this might work to actual possible willingness and then readyness and then action.
it's telling me there is other "stuff" i might be able to drastically change. other stuff i wouldn't ever ever EVER do
thanks for sharing your helpful thoughts.
__________________
not so sure about the file, EndGame, but i do agree with the cumulative building up of a more courageous, integrated/integral "self".
or maybe i misunderstood and that's not how you mean it at all.
the file labeled "stuff i wasn't ever ever EVER going to do." is actually labeled " "stuff i wasn't ever ever EVER going to do and then did!"
looking back, i'm musing about the instructiveness to myself of how that process worked.
moving from NeverEver to seeing the benefit i just might be able to derive (since clearly others showed they had benefitted) to trying it all out in my head for a couple of years to no avail and then moving to determined and to okay trusting this might work to actual possible willingness and then readyness and then action.
it's telling me there is other "stuff" i might be able to drastically change. other stuff i wouldn't ever ever EVER do
thanks for sharing your helpful thoughts.
__________________
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
The best we can hope for is some semblance of peace, I think.
oh; ArtFriend, there's peace that can be found or made , not just a semblance.
my limited experience.
you really think a semblance is the best it can get? genuine question.
oh; ArtFriend, there's peace that can be found or made , not just a semblance.
my limited experience.
you really think a semblance is the best it can get? genuine question.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
"I not have to continue to suffer, to validate previous sufferings." That was big one.
Cow, yes, i think it's huge.
and it touches much on the conversation in brynn's thread along the lines of "but if i'm not suffering so much any more, doesn't that mean i didn't really love so much?"
taking present suffering as a yardstick for past experiences. as proof, somehow. validation, as you say.
the idea that continued suffering is either required or somehow desirable in order to do validate your past suffering is pretty screwy....it's great to hear you're incorporating a rather different one. i wish you continued good fertilizing to make THAT grass grow.
MOooah!
Cow, yes, i think it's huge.
and it touches much on the conversation in brynn's thread along the lines of "but if i'm not suffering so much any more, doesn't that mean i didn't really love so much?"
taking present suffering as a yardstick for past experiences. as proof, somehow. validation, as you say.
the idea that continued suffering is either required or somehow desirable in order to do validate your past suffering is pretty screwy....it's great to hear you're incorporating a rather different one. i wish you continued good fertilizing to make THAT grass grow.
MOooah!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Rob and Melissa,
i'll trade you weather anytime!
day after night after day after night of record temperatures. broke 64 records across the province yesterday.
it's 31 in this room right now (7 pm) with the fan going. no idea what that is in Fahrenheit.
but i have no doubt that you two know how to do time together "right", no matter who you decide to share it with and what the circumstances are.
i'll trade you weather anytime!
day after night after day after night of record temperatures. broke 64 records across the province yesterday.
it's 31 in this room right now (7 pm) with the fan going. no idea what that is in Fahrenheit.
but i have no doubt that you two know how to do time together "right", no matter who you decide to share it with and what the circumstances are.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Good evening, Rob. 
Have you had a good day?
I did some work today and actually spoke to 2 human beings face-to-face (besides husband, who's doesn't count, or counts different). I don't think I did anything bad, although I did offer to commit a non-minor white-collar crime and meant it -- briefly I forgot that that kind of behavior just "does not do" now that I'm out & about among people. I need to remember that this is all I really need to do every day: break no major rules, don't drink, try to stay focused on the good parts.
How've you done at those 3 things today?
P.S. Hi, Dee!
P.P.S. -- just adding that I totally admire all of you who've achieved any kind of closure. I'm still wide open, waiting for the light to come on that will show me whatever I didn't see that would make sense of my life.
Have you had a good day? I did some work today and actually spoke to 2 human beings face-to-face (besides husband, who's doesn't count, or counts different). I don't think I did anything bad, although I did offer to commit a non-minor white-collar crime and meant it -- briefly I forgot that that kind of behavior just "does not do" now that I'm out & about among people. I need to remember that this is all I really need to do every day: break no major rules, don't drink, try to stay focused on the good parts.
How've you done at those 3 things today?
P.S. Hi, Dee!
P.P.S. -- just adding that I totally admire all of you who've achieved any kind of closure. I'm still wide open, waiting for the light to come on that will show me whatever I didn't see that would make sense of my life.
Last edited by courage2; 06-29-2015 at 09:14 PM. Reason: For post-scripts & extra :wave:
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