EllaA

My heart hurts. I am utterly destroyed by this man. Do they always place blame on us? I have gone to hell and back for this man, stayed with him through thick and thin, jail, hospitals, all of which is due to his drunk behavior or criminal activity he’s gotten into when **** faced drunk. He drinks every single day but lately he’s been going on multiple day long binges which is where I get the worst treatment. I’ve given so much of my time, energy, love, support, money to this person. Only for him to now decide I’m useless and that I ruined everything because I finally put my foot down and said I cannot be in a relationship with an alcoholic. He tells me after all these years he can easily go out and find someone better than me, he doesn’t give a **** about my feelings, he wishes he could have stayed with his exes, and that’s just the beginning of the verbal abuse. Some of which i dont even want to repeat. I’m just so hurt and looking for anyone who’s gone through this. My heart is so so shattered.. I think because after tonight after the worst fight we’ve ever had i now finally know this is it. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve lost myself. I just cant fathom how he could watch me bawl my eyes out for hours and he just drank and laughed and verbally abused me continuously. What’s even more insane is this person when he’s sober is the person who showed me so much “true love” Or what I thought it was.. i don’t even know where to begin my healing journey. 💔

Seren

Oh, you will find others who have been through this. Even though you have felt very alone, you are not. I'm glad you found SR. This is a great place for support for you!

I'm sorry to say that your story is not uncommon. Tell an alcoholic "no", and the true colors will shine through--as you have now found out. It's not that you are unworthy or unlovable, it's just that an alcoholic's true love is alcohol. He hasn't been drinking at you, he's just drinking. It isn't personal. You have now interfered with the drinking, so he will do whatever it takes to protect the addiction.

Will he stop? I have no idea. And neither does he. But he is the only one who can stop his own drinking and abusive behavior.

What I do know? You don't deserve to live the way you have been living. No one does. I'm so sorry you are hurting and hope you'll stick around, read the forums, and get the support you need.

trailmix

Hi Ella, yes, unfortunately, you have now entered the hostile to the addiction camp (the enemy). Addiction, or the addicted person, will do whatever it takes to maintain that addiction.

I'm sure you did everything you could for him, but, of course, none of it was ever enough and never would be.

To him, to his alcoholic mind, you have "ruined" everything. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.

Sadly alcohol changes the brain and the person you are speaking to can also numb any feelings with alcohol.

Now is the time to turn back to yourself and looking after yourself (and protecting yourself). It sounds like you have spent years trying to take care of him and all his needs and wants and demands. Now maybe it's time for you? Do you deserve this treatment, did you ever? No. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You aren't ever going to get that from him.

There is a book that is the most recommended here Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It has a lot of information about boundaries in relationships that you might find helpful (for both romantic and non-romantic relationships).

How are you doing today?

EllaA

Thank you guys for your replies… my heart is in pieces. I can’t eat or sleep. He’s throwing in my face every little thing wrong I’ve ever done. Twisting my brain up to make myself believe I deserve this treatment, meanwhile for years he has destroyed me but won’t speak on that part of it. Is what they say when they are intoxicated how they really feel? If I could convince myself of that I feel I would be able to get a grasp on my broken heart. However it always turns into him saying he obviously never means anything he says when he’s in a drunken rage. I feel as though that is no excuse.. Thanks for all feed back 💔

trailmix

Hi Ella, well you are right about that, there is no excuse.

He can say he doesn't mean this or that when he is drunk, does that help you at all? It still hurts you, it's still disrespectful, it's still unwarranted.

You are in a terrible situation, I know you already know that. Sometimes when we stay in a dysfunctional situation long enough, it can almost seem normal, well at least it's our normal right? There is nothing normal about what you are going through. You don't deserve to be abused.

Space and distance can help you to see all this more clearly, is there any where you can go for even a few weeks, so you can get a better perspective.

Have you asked yourself why you stay at all?

EllaA

I think why I stay is because I can’t seem to let go of how deeply I love the person he is sober.. however I don’t even know who that truly is because so much of our relationship he has been 2 completely different people. I feel like I can’t function without him. Must be my codependency, plus he is the only person I am/was close to. We experienced so much of the same trauma’s growing up. I just hope I can make it through this.

trailmix

So you weren't living together? Are you not speaking now?

Live

In my circumstances, I can now see..hindsight is 20-20...that even if my qualifier stopped drinking, he would still be abusive and hurtful. I would never feel safe and open to him. I just couldn't trust him. And neither of us respected each other.
You will hear it here often but time and space are required to begin healing. It took me 6 weeks away and no contact for the fog to begin to lift. But I promise you can make it without him. Right now you are merely trying to survive each moment. You deserve better. He has nothing to offer you.
It is terrible for your mental and physical health to stay in this situation but you can heal.

(((((hugs))))

EllaA

We are not living together anymore. Once things got bad he moved back in with his mom who enables his drinking and even supplies him alcohol. We would still meet up to talk about getting back together, however I always told him if he is actively drinking we can not live under the same roof due to how he gets. Always promising change but then never following through with getting the help he needs. I wish I could simply get through work without bawling my eyes out. Just so many emotions.

Seren

The truth is, he isn't two people drunk and sober. He is one person for whom both are true. There is no guarantee that he will get better. None. I hope and pray for his sake that he does, but no one else can make that happen but him. You've been with him for a while. Has anything you've ever done made one whit of difference in his drinking? I suspect not.

You are allowed to protect yourself. Let me repeat that. You are allowed to protect yourself no matter what he says. You are not required to listen to him spew his garbage all over you. You don't have to stay on the phone, in the room, in the building when he starts that abuse. And it is abuse. We all make mistakes and use poor judgement from time to time. Mistakes often have consequences, but abuse is not a consequence. It's just abuse.

I hope you will soon understand that you are worthy of much better treatment!