Trying to be honest with myself.
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Trying to be honest with myself.
This morning on my Facebook memories - 8 years ago today, super fun family day before AH goes off to rehab. Ugh. Rehab that didn't even work because he came back a month later and started taking pills before he started drinking again.
Gosh 8 years though - and it started before that. Maybe 2 years before that, I think, but if I am honest he was always a drinker, casual at first before it got out of control.
So much of my life just wasted. So many chances that I gave him. Stood by him, supported him.
Just saw that Facebook memory this morning and thought wow... have I really been living this for 8 years?
And if I am honest, like really truly honest with myself, he has never been good to me. Even before realizing drinking was a problem. Maybe it was always a problem and I just didn't recognize it until it was such a big problem it couldn't be ignored any longer. This is really hard to sit and look back and know that he was never good to me, not even in the beginning. Some things you just forget or you choose to let go or you dismiss them.
I've spent almost half of my life with someone who never really loved me. Not sure what I was to him but I am certain now that he never loved me.
This is the second time we have been separated but last week I called my attorney and asked him to file divorce papers. I have been very reluctant to do that. It is a huge thing for me, to feel like I am giving up. But I don't think this is giving up. I did everything I could to save my marriage and keep my family in tact. But what good is a family in tact when everyone is unhappy and walking on eggshells? My children are thriving since he walked out. It must be nice for them not to have someone snapping at them all the time, for the dumbest things! I am glad for them, for that. And with each day that passes I feel a little bit better, too.
Every day I find out another thing he has done and it truly disgusts me. That is what I feel now when I think of him - disgust. I know we are supposed to be better than that, since this is a disease, but I can't help how I feel in this moment. I can't even describe it. Disgust bordering on hatred, I think. I don't know - not sure exactly what it is. We're supposed to wish them well and pray they get better for their own sake, and I know I should do that but right now I don't care, I don't care what happens to him. I don't care if he never gets better, I don't care if he drinks himself to death, or winds up in jail. I just don't care. I feel he deserves whatever comes his way. I know this is awful. Something I clearly need to work on. It's not like I spend my days thinking these things, I don't. But when his name comes up, or when he hurts one of my kids, or when I hear of something he has done, this is how I feel inside.
Since he's left, I've lost 19 pounds. I am exercising again, like I used to. I'm spending more quality time with my kids instead of worrying about him or trying to appease him or calm him down, etc. (The whole time he was "sober" he was just angry all the time.)
I'm worried right now that he intends to use some of my text messages against me in court, but I am definitely working on that - not reacting, keeping my mouth shut, etc. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on myself.
Now I'm just rambling....
Gosh 8 years though - and it started before that. Maybe 2 years before that, I think, but if I am honest he was always a drinker, casual at first before it got out of control.
So much of my life just wasted. So many chances that I gave him. Stood by him, supported him.
Just saw that Facebook memory this morning and thought wow... have I really been living this for 8 years?
And if I am honest, like really truly honest with myself, he has never been good to me. Even before realizing drinking was a problem. Maybe it was always a problem and I just didn't recognize it until it was such a big problem it couldn't be ignored any longer. This is really hard to sit and look back and know that he was never good to me, not even in the beginning. Some things you just forget or you choose to let go or you dismiss them.
I've spent almost half of my life with someone who never really loved me. Not sure what I was to him but I am certain now that he never loved me.
This is the second time we have been separated but last week I called my attorney and asked him to file divorce papers. I have been very reluctant to do that. It is a huge thing for me, to feel like I am giving up. But I don't think this is giving up. I did everything I could to save my marriage and keep my family in tact. But what good is a family in tact when everyone is unhappy and walking on eggshells? My children are thriving since he walked out. It must be nice for them not to have someone snapping at them all the time, for the dumbest things! I am glad for them, for that. And with each day that passes I feel a little bit better, too.
Every day I find out another thing he has done and it truly disgusts me. That is what I feel now when I think of him - disgust. I know we are supposed to be better than that, since this is a disease, but I can't help how I feel in this moment. I can't even describe it. Disgust bordering on hatred, I think. I don't know - not sure exactly what it is. We're supposed to wish them well and pray they get better for their own sake, and I know I should do that but right now I don't care, I don't care what happens to him. I don't care if he never gets better, I don't care if he drinks himself to death, or winds up in jail. I just don't care. I feel he deserves whatever comes his way. I know this is awful. Something I clearly need to work on. It's not like I spend my days thinking these things, I don't. But when his name comes up, or when he hurts one of my kids, or when I hear of something he has done, this is how I feel inside.
Since he's left, I've lost 19 pounds. I am exercising again, like I used to. I'm spending more quality time with my kids instead of worrying about him or trying to appease him or calm him down, etc. (The whole time he was "sober" he was just angry all the time.)
I'm worried right now that he intends to use some of my text messages against me in court, but I am definitely working on that - not reacting, keeping my mouth shut, etc. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on myself.
Now I'm just rambling....
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I think it's completely normal to feel the way you do.
I have felt like that about one of my exes too, and he deserved that animosity. When he tried contacting me a few months after the breakup, I was still angry enough not to talk to him. A year later he tried again - - NOPE! I think it's a protective survival instinct.
I totally get it, and I'm sure a lot of other people do too.
I have felt like that about one of my exes too, and he deserved that animosity. When he tried contacting me a few months after the breakup, I was still angry enough not to talk to him. A year later he tried again - - NOPE! I think it's a protective survival instinct.
I totally get it, and I'm sure a lot of other people do too.
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First of all, I'm really glad to hear you and the kids are thriving out from under this. That's the good part!
As for the anger, well that's normal in my experience. All the wishing them well and letting go because they have a disease - I think that's something that comes later, if ever. His "disease", mental illness is untreated, that's his choice. He may not be making it from the wisest place in his brain, but you already know you have no control over that.
Perhaps, after a while, you just won't care - period. No thoughts of him suffering for what he has done, it just wont matter to you, I also think that's normal (again, in my experience).
There is no point to this, you're right, it helps no one - not even the alcoholic. Marriage isn't meant to be a punishment for you.
As for the anger, well that's normal in my experience. All the wishing them well and letting go because they have a disease - I think that's something that comes later, if ever. His "disease", mental illness is untreated, that's his choice. He may not be making it from the wisest place in his brain, but you already know you have no control over that.
Perhaps, after a while, you just won't care - period. No thoughts of him suffering for what he has done, it just wont matter to you, I also think that's normal (again, in my experience).
I did everything I could to save my marriage and keep my family in tact. But what good is a family in tact when everyone is unhappy and walking on eggshells?
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firecricket........I think that it is normal to feel this way when someone has hurt us deeply in significant ways. Who says that you are Not "supposed to feel this way"??
Can you actually name anyone who tells/told you that.....or, you think feels this way toward you?
I have noticed---and, I don't mean this to be a criticism---just an observation....I have notices in your posts, that, you tend to do a lot of negative talking about yourself.
A lot of critical statements about yourself.
I have heard this referred to as the "self talk"---the stuff that we say, semi-consciously, to ourselves, over and over, about ourselves.
It is hypothesized that these are the kinds of thing that we were TAUGHT about ourselves, during our early growing up y ears. That we internalize these things so much, that, we tell them to ourselves over and over and over---many times a day.
For example-----where were you told that one person can "save a marriage"'? Or, where did you get the idea that we all have to be like "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm" to all people, all of the time? lol.
Actually, when we get justifiably angry----that energy can be harnessed to carry us forward to do the things that we Need to do for ourselves. Feeling angry is not always a bad thing.
If you would ever want to know abut the effects that our "self talk" has on us (we all do it).....you can find a lot of books on it on amazon.com or in the library.
If you fear that he is going to use your texts against you, in court---does that mean that you expect the divorce to go to a court Trial?
Can you actually name anyone who tells/told you that.....or, you think feels this way toward you?
I have noticed---and, I don't mean this to be a criticism---just an observation....I have notices in your posts, that, you tend to do a lot of negative talking about yourself.
A lot of critical statements about yourself.
I have heard this referred to as the "self talk"---the stuff that we say, semi-consciously, to ourselves, over and over, about ourselves.
It is hypothesized that these are the kinds of thing that we were TAUGHT about ourselves, during our early growing up y ears. That we internalize these things so much, that, we tell them to ourselves over and over and over---many times a day.
For example-----where were you told that one person can "save a marriage"'? Or, where did you get the idea that we all have to be like "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm" to all people, all of the time? lol.
Actually, when we get justifiably angry----that energy can be harnessed to carry us forward to do the things that we Need to do for ourselves. Feeling angry is not always a bad thing.
If you would ever want to know abut the effects that our "self talk" has on us (we all do it).....you can find a lot of books on it on amazon.com or in the library.
If you fear that he is going to use your texts against you, in court---does that mean that you expect the divorce to go to a court Trial?
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
First of all, I'm really glad to hear you and the kids are thriving out from under this. That's the good part!
There is no more pouting from the other kids, no more whining. They're not being snapped at any more for being "too loud" or asking too many questions or asking to do things. They used to come to me for affection and he would tell them to go play, like they weren't allowed to just want a hug or something. But now when they come to me for hugs I can just hug them and not worry that we are annoying someone, and they aren't being told to go away.
I feel like I have a lot to make up for with my kids. Just looking back... especially at the coming for hugs randomly thing and him getting annoyed and I would give him dirty looks but I never said anything- just trying to keep the peace. Now I've just been constantly hugging and loving on my kids. I want desperately to make up for my mistakes.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
firecricket........I think that it is normal to feel this way when someone has hurt us deeply in significant ways. Who says that you are Not "supposed to feel this way"??
Can you actually name anyone who tells/told you that.....or, you think feels this way toward you?
Can you actually name anyone who tells/told you that.....or, you think feels this way toward you?
Originally Posted by dandylion
I have noticed---and, I don't mean this to be a criticism---just an observation....I have notices in your posts, that, you tend to do a lot of negative talking about yourself.
A lot of critical statements about yourself.
A lot of critical statements about yourself.
Originally Posted by dandylion
If you fear that he is going to use your texts against you, in court---does that mean that you expect the divorce to go to a court Trial?
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Yes, you know, people do post things online as well, I've read them, that alcoholics need support, love, stability etc (don't we all)!
The thing is, he is sick and he does need support, she's not wrong, BUT the support he needs is nothing a layperson can give. He needs professional support, not just people walking around on eggshells to avoid being screamed at and dinner on the table on time and the children being seen not heard (preferably in their rooms).
What is that "support" they speak of? I think that is always the missing component when people talk like that. Unless you are trained in the field, how can you give support to someone in active addiction? That is why AA evolved, that is why there are thousands of rehabs, not because spouses/mother's/father's and siblings are not "supportive".
The thing is, he is sick and he does need support, she's not wrong, BUT the support he needs is nothing a layperson can give. He needs professional support, not just people walking around on eggshells to avoid being screamed at and dinner on the table on time and the children being seen not heard (preferably in their rooms).
What is that "support" they speak of? I think that is always the missing component when people talk like that. Unless you are trained in the field, how can you give support to someone in active addiction? That is why AA evolved, that is why there are thousands of rehabs, not because spouses/mother's/father's and siblings are not "supportive".
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Originally Posted by trailmix
What is that "support" they speak of? I think that is always the missing component when people talk like that. Unless you are trained in the field, how can you give support to someone in active addiction? That is why AA evolved, that is why there are thousands of rehabs, not because spouses/mother's/father's and siblings are not "supportive".
It's always my fault and I'm always to blame. I'm just not doing enough. He drinks because of me, I am the problem. Well okay. When he wanted to leave I let him leave, I did not beg him to come back (like I used to do in the past). I just let him go, fine if that is what you really want, not going to stop you. Clearly I was not the problem, he has all the freedom in the world now and doesn't have to deal with me or the kids, but he is still drinking. Who is supporting him now? Nobody. It stopped being my job when he walked out on me and the kids.
He was sober for a few years, but started drinking again one month after getting his license back. You know what that tells me... he didn't quit because he wanted to, he quit because I was refusing to buy him alcohol and he had no transportation to get it himself. Once he had that freedom back he started drinking again. That is not on me.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I can't remember, have you discontinued talking to the MIL and the rest of his family? (I hope so!)
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firecricket.......wow...I can't help but think: He is always critical of you, from the outside----and, you are very critical of your self, from the inside. That is a heap load of criticism. Both of you criticizing you!
Great that you are getting a repriev from his criticisms----now, how about taking a break from your own self criticisms......?...lol.
Great that you are getting a repriev from his criticisms----now, how about taking a break from your own self criticisms......?...lol.
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Firecricket, as much as I resented my AH, that feeling eventually morphed into something else. There was resignation, acceptance, and something resembling forgiveness. (Forgiveness is NOT my strong suit).
It may help, down the road, to hold in the back of your mind that an addict isn't capable of being a partner or loving anyone. As far as I know, it isn't a conscious decision to not love someone.
It may help, down the road, to hold in the back of your mind that an addict isn't capable of being a partner or loving anyone. As far as I know, it isn't a conscious decision to not love someone.
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I felt the way you did right now, but it did evolve into a kind of apathy-probably not the correct word… After the anger wore off, I thought it might be numbness, but it’s really was more of an acceptance I guess. I don’t hate him nor do I really still love him. I’m just done with all the chaos and blame that comes along with active addiction; including my self blame/guilt for not doing “more”.
I really do think about him dying a lot lately though. He’s not in good shape at all and he can’t go on like this for much longer. But that’s on him and I can’t give anymore than I have to someone who won’t help themselves.
I really do think about him dying a lot lately though. He’s not in good shape at all and he can’t go on like this for much longer. But that’s on him and I can’t give anymore than I have to someone who won’t help themselves.
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Originally Posted by velma929
It may help, down the road, to hold in the back of your mind that an addict isn't capable of being a partner or loving anyone. As far as I know, it isn't a conscious decision to not love someone.
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Originally Posted by Sueby
I really do think about him dying a lot lately though. He’s not in good shape at all and he can’t go on like this for much longer. But that’s on him and I can’t give anymore than I have to someone who won’t help themselves.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
firecricket.......wow...I can't help but think: He is always critical of you, from the outside----and, you are very critical of your self, from the inside. That is a heap load of criticism. Both of you criticizing you!
Great that you are getting a repriev from his criticisms----now, how about taking a break from your own self criticisms......?...lol.
Great that you are getting a repriev from his criticisms----now, how about taking a break from your own self criticisms......?...lol.
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Firecricket,
I always have said that the opposite of love is not hate (two very strong emotions), but indifference. Indifference is where you are headed... it's acceptance without the strong emotions pulling you in two different directions. Once you are fully there, each day forward is wholly in your power.
On a side note, I have learned in my journey here that "support" is really not supposed to be controlling things in your qualifiers life so that they never suffer the consequences of their actions... that is what I am learning is a raging case of co-dependence and enabling. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with your AH for so long, but you are moving in the right direction. Keep putting your energy into being there for yourself and your kids and the rewards will abound. Your AH will do what he does and that is entirely up to him.
I hope your life continues on the upswing and I am proud of you for making some decisions to care about YOU!
MyGirlGracie
I always have said that the opposite of love is not hate (two very strong emotions), but indifference. Indifference is where you are headed... it's acceptance without the strong emotions pulling you in two different directions. Once you are fully there, each day forward is wholly in your power.
On a side note, I have learned in my journey here that "support" is really not supposed to be controlling things in your qualifiers life so that they never suffer the consequences of their actions... that is what I am learning is a raging case of co-dependence and enabling. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with your AH for so long, but you are moving in the right direction. Keep putting your energy into being there for yourself and your kids and the rewards will abound. Your AH will do what he does and that is entirely up to him.
I hope your life continues on the upswing and I am proud of you for making some decisions to care about YOU!
MyGirlGracie
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Originally Posted by MyGirlGracie
Firecricket,
I always have said that the opposite of love is not hate (two very strong emotions), but indifference. Indifference is where you are headed... it's acceptance without the strong emotions pulling you in two different directions. Once you are fully there, each day forward is wholly in your power.
On a side note, I have learned in my journey here that "support" is really not supposed to be controlling things in your qualifiers life so that they never suffer the consequences of their actions... that is what I am learning is a raging case of co-dependence and enabling. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with your AH for so long, but you are moving in the right direction. Keep putting your energy into being there for yourself and your kids and the rewards will abound. Your AH will do what he does and that is entirely up to him.
I hope your life continues on the upswing and I am proud of you for making some decisions to care about YOU!
MyGirlGracie
I always have said that the opposite of love is not hate (two very strong emotions), but indifference. Indifference is where you are headed... it's acceptance without the strong emotions pulling you in two different directions. Once you are fully there, each day forward is wholly in your power.
On a side note, I have learned in my journey here that "support" is really not supposed to be controlling things in your qualifiers life so that they never suffer the consequences of their actions... that is what I am learning is a raging case of co-dependence and enabling. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with your AH for so long, but you are moving in the right direction. Keep putting your energy into being there for yourself and your kids and the rewards will abound. Your AH will do what he does and that is entirely up to him.
I hope your life continues on the upswing and I am proud of you for making some decisions to care about YOU!
MyGirlGracie
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Wow Firecricket. I could have written your post. Your situation sounds similar to mine but my children are older. I wish we had separated sooner. My youngest has also started venturing out of his room when the ex left and he is gradually blossoming which is great. He was nearly crushed by his father. His older brothers got off lightly in comparison due to exes progression. I actually don’t think my ex is a good person alcoholism aside, and has been unkind to me for the best part of 2 decades getting increasingly worse as time went on. I was very angry and resentful for a long time. After I asked him to leave, which he did, I started reading Al anon literature and took to detachment in a big way but it wasn’t loving detachment! I realized I wouldn’t have a person like this in my life as a friend. Since he moved out some of the stuff he’s done is appalling and I don’t feel like I know him anymore. The latest is charges on driving on a suspended license but he still drives around anyway. I get letters from the police and court coming to the house. Wish he’d change his postal address because I really don’t want to know. Sometimes I just feel sorry for him and sad for us all. But most of the time these days I feel pretty good and like a weight has lifted off. The future feels brighter.
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