Trying to be honest with myself.
This morning on my Facebook memories - 8 years ago today, super fun family day before AH goes off to rehab. Ugh. Rehab that didn't even work because he came back a month later and started taking pills before he started drinking again.
Gosh 8 years though - and it started before that. Maybe 2 years before that, I think, but if I am honest he was always a drinker, casual at first before it got out of control.
So much of my life just wasted. So many chances that I gave him. Stood by him, supported him.
Just saw that Facebook memory this morning and thought wow... have I really been living this for 8 years?
And if I am honest, like really truly honest with myself, he has never been good to me. Even before realizing drinking was a problem. Maybe it was always a problem and I just didn't recognize it until it was such a big problem it couldn't be ignored any longer. This is really hard to sit and look back and know that he was never good to me, not even in the beginning. Some things you just forget or you choose to let go or you dismiss them.
I've spent almost half of my life with someone who never really loved me. Not sure what I was to him but I am certain now that he never loved me.
This is the second time we have been separated but last week I called my attorney and asked him to file divorce papers. I have been very reluctant to do that. It is a huge thing for me, to feel like I am giving up. But I don't think this is giving up. I did everything I could to save my marriage and keep my family in tact. But what good is a family in tact when everyone is unhappy and walking on eggshells? My children are thriving since he walked out. It must be nice for them not to have someone snapping at them all the time, for the dumbest things! I am glad for them, for that. And with each day that passes I feel a little bit better, too.
Every day I find out another thing he has done and it truly disgusts me. That is what I feel now when I think of him - disgust. I know we are supposed to be better than that, since this is a disease, but I can't help how I feel in this moment. I can't even describe it. Disgust bordering on hatred, I think. I don't know - not sure exactly what it is. We're supposed to wish them well and pray they get better for their own sake, and I know I should do that but right now I don't care, I don't care what happens to him. I don't care if he never gets better, I don't care if he drinks himself to death, or winds up in jail. I just don't care. I feel he deserves whatever comes his way. I know this is awful. Something I clearly need to work on. It's not like I spend my days thinking these things, I don't. But when his name comes up, or when he hurts one of my kids, or when I hear of something he has done, this is how I feel inside.
Since he's left, I've lost 19 pounds. I am exercising again, like I used to. I'm spending more quality time with my kids instead of worrying about him or trying to appease him or calm him down, etc. (The whole time he was "sober" he was just angry all the time.)
I'm worried right now that he intends to use some of my text messages against me in court, but I am definitely working on that - not reacting, keeping my mouth shut, etc. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on myself.
Now I'm just rambling....