timj120

So this morning, AW asked me to look into a couples therapist. This is something she has mentioned a few times over the past couple years, but she has never followed through on actually finding one. She asked me to do it because "you know the insurance and could find us one in-network."

Couple of things:

• Is she unable to find one? I'm thinking it's another way to push something on to me. If I do it great, if not, then I'm now responsible for it not happening
• She's also said that I've been resistant to it in the past. Which is just flat untrue, I'm in therapy myself and I've said each time she's mentioned it that I'd be willing
• This is one of the boundaries I've set for myself. I will not go to couples counseling while she is actively drinking. I will go, if she get sober...not just doesn't drink, but gets into recovery.

What I'm looking for from the group is this. I haven't yet had the courage to talk about any of this in the past 3 weeks, her drinking, my boundaries, etc. I see this as a way to force my hand (myself) to lay it out on the table and could use this as the jumping off point to having that discussion.

"While I think couples therapy would be helpful for us, I will not start the process until you decide you are serious about your drinking habits. I have felt for awhile now that this is an issue that is preventing us from moving forward, from healing as a couple. I don't see how it will have much benefit, if the drinking continues. So I will not attend marriage counseling until you enter treatment for alcohol abuse. I have a few options that we could explore together."

Something like that.

sage1969

Others can probably say more about this, but reputable, well - trained therapists offering couples therapy generally will not begin therapy with a couple if one or both have chemical or other addictions.

This is another one of the "health" resolutions. Your wife feels you detaching and is engaging in "push - pull" dynamics. Since the diet cleanse and the projects menu did not pull you back in, perhaps couples therapy will?

Until she addresses the alcoholism, no therapy will help your relationship.

schnappi99

My wife and I were in counseling for well over a year, individually and together, while she was problem drinking and I was going crazy from resentment and frustration, it didn't achieve much of anything. OTOH when the alcohol abuse was fully exposed our shrink prescribed alanon for me, which I found to be a lifesaver- so only in that sense it was helpful. I think your boundary is reasonably composed. I cannot stress enough the importance of having recovery people to talk with while you weather her response which might be aggressive, manipulative or maybe extreme "hurt feelings" or some combination - this is where the trusted sponsor who has been there in some way is really helpful.

Grown-ass women are perfectly capable of finding therapists if they feel they need one. A lot of nerve on her part to play the helpless card and try to make you responsible for it- then you get the blame if/when it doesn't pan out- and likewise as you say, if you don't do it.

trailmix

I think your reply to the suggestion is great, short and to the point. You will probably get blamed anyway, but your cards are on the table and that's all you can do.

I've never done this type of counselling but I've read here a few times where a couple has gone (with one alcoholic in active addiction) and what ended up happening is whatever the wife/husband brought up was used against them by the spouse later on, so you are wise to hold back from this, as you know.

Deliver your message, it might just open up some dialogue (or be a disaster) but you don't know until you try.

biminiblue

"Oh, good idea. Go ahead and set that up, make sure to tell them you're an active alcoholic when you call for that appointment, because that's the first thing I'm gonna say."

Sounds kind of harsh, but I'd be tempted.

My ex husband and I had separate therapy then decided to go together to a different (new) marriage and relationship counselor. I made the first appointment. He lied throughout the whole session. I confronted him with that fact during the session. I told him to make the next appointment which never happened. Ha. Problem solved, in his mind.

FWN

Licensed therapists will not work with a couple when one is in active addiction. If she doesn’t fix that first, what’s even the point of therapy.

Hawkeye13

Maybe use that fact as an opening point—that therapists typically won’t work with someone with a drinking issue in the first place. I think you should say something like you mentioned above as there is no benefit, and potentially great harm, in making yourself vulnerable in a counseling situation to someone in active addiction.

Yes, they can and likely will use anything you say as ammunition later on when they are drinking.

SparkleKitty

If your boundary is that you will not enter couples counseling with someone who is in active addiction, then just don't do it. You don't have to discuss it with her, explain yourself, use it as leverage, or let it be the kick in the pants you think you need to start some kind of discussion with her.

Couples counseling appeals to abusers and active addicts, but they think it will level the playing field where both side have to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage. They think they can get someone "on their side". It's just another arena in which to gaslight and manipulate their partner into not changing actually anything.

dandylion

tim........pursuant to SparkleKitty's comment------you are going to need to learn to do your own "ass kicking", instead of waiting for your alcoholic wife to do it for you.....lol.....
I have heard a lot of people in AA talk about "activating the ass-kicking machine".........lol.

Free2bme888

Tim, what the awesome reply posts said.

No need to explain. Action on your part. Don’t go. Tell her to make the appointment after you advise her of the culture of not engaging with people in active addiction. Give her the insurance info.

Bet it doesn’t happen. And that’s a step forward for you and the kids.

ErinGoBragh

Yep. ^^This^^ is 100% true. I wouldn't advise having some sort of detailed discussion with her as to why you don't want couples counseling. She IS manipulating you. Don't allow it. If you feel the need to say something, why not simply state: "I will not partake of couples' counseling while you are drinking." Period. No need to argue, elaborate, or defend.