I miss him tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 16
I miss him tonight
I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been rereading the lists of things he did that hurt me when he was drunk. Replaying the horrible things he said. But I guess because it’s really starting a second month of no contact, it’s finally hitting me this isn’t just a break. I won’t fall asleep in his arms ever again, and wake up to the guy I actually liked who I really only saw in the morning.
I know it’s good to be off the crazy train. I didn’t realize just how much chaos he caused. Every single day there was some huge crisis, that in all actuality was nothing, just an excuse to drink or caused by it. But sometimes I find myself kind of lost, without all of the intensity that I got used to consuming every second of my life. He used to tell me he made my life interesting. I’ve come to realize that he did, just not in a very positive way.
its my birthday this week. In 4 years he never once bought me a present. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with it, and I’d rather type it out here than message him. It’s not worth looking weak and reinviting the pain into my life.
sorry for the rant.
I know it’s good to be off the crazy train. I didn’t realize just how much chaos he caused. Every single day there was some huge crisis, that in all actuality was nothing, just an excuse to drink or caused by it. But sometimes I find myself kind of lost, without all of the intensity that I got used to consuming every second of my life. He used to tell me he made my life interesting. I’ve come to realize that he did, just not in a very positive way.
its my birthday this week. In 4 years he never once bought me a present. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with it, and I’d rather type it out here than message him. It’s not worth looking weak and reinviting the pain into my life.
sorry for the rant.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
First of all, Happy Birthday!!!
Sometimes it's good to rant....it's certainly better than reaching out to what (who) you know will burn you. I think sometimes us codies allow the dysfunction in our lives because it takes the focus off of ourselves and our world is consumed with the drama of life with an alcoholic. At least, I know I've been guilty of that.
Do something special for yourself for your birthday. Buy yourself a present, get your nails done, get a massage....treat yourself, because you're worth it.
Sometimes it's good to rant....it's certainly better than reaching out to what (who) you know will burn you. I think sometimes us codies allow the dysfunction in our lives because it takes the focus off of ourselves and our world is consumed with the drama of life with an alcoholic. At least, I know I've been guilty of that.
Do something special for yourself for your birthday. Buy yourself a present, get your nails done, get a massage....treat yourself, because you're worth it.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
I know.. Sometimes it just hits you out of the blue eh. I have a blue blanket that reminds me of his bath robe and every now and then it just reminds me of him, the good old days and it hurts. You're still grieving. I should just chuck out the blanket. It's funny what makes you miss someone.
But that guy is long gone. I try to focus on how it would feel to have another guys bathrobe.. Sober dude. Guy who'd never forget my b'day. Maybe a guy who really enjoyed making my b'day a special day cos that's the sweet gentle guy he is. Be grateful that you've made space in your life for somebody who woukd love to buy you a silly card, pretty flowers and watch your face brighten when he hands them over. You deserve that guy.
Happy birthday... Well done you for giving yourself the best birthday present ever. Self love!! You're something special girl!!
But that guy is long gone. I try to focus on how it would feel to have another guys bathrobe.. Sober dude. Guy who'd never forget my b'day. Maybe a guy who really enjoyed making my b'day a special day cos that's the sweet gentle guy he is. Be grateful that you've made space in your life for somebody who woukd love to buy you a silly card, pretty flowers and watch your face brighten when he hands them over. You deserve that guy.
Happy birthday... Well done you for giving yourself the best birthday present ever. Self love!! You're something special girl!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Milano, I know you’re grieving—it does hurt... but I’m here to confirm that there are genuinely thoughtful and loving men out here in the world who would be honored to spoil you today... on your birthday!
You have a beautiful heart.
Happy Birthday!
Perhaps treat yourself to a massage?...
wearing YOUR favorite robe, build a new memory or birthday tradition for yourself. 😉
You have a beautiful heart.
Happy Birthday!
Perhaps treat yourself to a massage?...
wearing YOUR favorite robe, build a new memory or birthday tradition for yourself. 😉
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Happy birthday! A day all about YOU!
It is hard, I know I’m there myself and trying to stay no contact with soon to be XAH.
I have put all the pictures and reminders of him in my doggies’ room (yes they have their own room lol), and will go through all of it when I am ready. It certainly is not now...
if I tried to go through it now I wanna certainly end up messaging him.
Agreed, do something special for you, make YOUR memories!
hugs to you!
It is hard, I know I’m there myself and trying to stay no contact with soon to be XAH.
I have put all the pictures and reminders of him in my doggies’ room (yes they have their own room lol), and will go through all of it when I am ready. It certainly is not now...
if I tried to go through it now I wanna certainly end up messaging him.
Agreed, do something special for you, make YOUR memories!
hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Happy b day. Sorry for the loss ......or gain? Your sanity back. I am newly dicorced in April 2019 been ruff . but now I focus on my sobriety then starting over. Have 58 days under my belt . tool box is with me like my cell phone.lol.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I know I shouldn’t.
honor what you DO feel - not the mental gymnastics of what you think you should or should not feel in any given situation. that's self shaming for what is a perfectly normal experience.
on the flipside, just cuz we FEEL something doesn't mean we have to DO anything about it. anymore that we THINK something...we also don't have to DO anything with that think!
honor what you DO feel - not the mental gymnastics of what you think you should or should not feel in any given situation. that's self shaming for what is a perfectly normal experience.
on the flipside, just cuz we FEEL something doesn't mean we have to DO anything about it. anymore that we THINK something...we also don't have to DO anything with that think!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 82
I understand completely. I was away this weekend at a family wedding. Was so fun but it felt like something was missing... him... AND... walking on eggshells if he drank too much. When I thought of it that way, I was able to have clear thoughts and I know I am on the correct path... without him. I miss the friendship but not the bad times. It will fade with time and maybe none day I will meet someone who deserves me. You will too, chin up and carry on... it really is the only way
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 16
I’ve been working hard one something from the guided meditations I do at night. When I think of him, I acknowledge that it’s there, and valid, and move on. Some days go better than others, but I have maintained NC (and thankfully so has he).
And I’m there too, with the not walking on eggshells. My good friend invited me to his wedding of him and his boyfriend of 26 years. With my ex, I would have had to be the DD and hope he didn’t make a scene because it was at a cocktail bar. Instead I had a good friend DD me, enjoyed my drinks, and got to celebrate that I was one of 3 people invited to see 2 wonderful people get married. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Also, the 4th of July, I get to go to my moms cookout and then walk to the fireworks. My ex always got too drunk by 4pm to do either. It’s weirdly quiet to have a normal life again.
And I’m there too, with the not walking on eggshells. My good friend invited me to his wedding of him and his boyfriend of 26 years. With my ex, I would have had to be the DD and hope he didn’t make a scene because it was at a cocktail bar. Instead I had a good friend DD me, enjoyed my drinks, and got to celebrate that I was one of 3 people invited to see 2 wonderful people get married. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Also, the 4th of July, I get to go to my moms cookout and then walk to the fireworks. My ex always got too drunk by 4pm to do either. It’s weirdly quiet to have a normal life again.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
I totally emphasize how you feel. I too have a list that I keep reading over and over. It seems like the further away I get my my relationship (one month no contact) the less I forget about the bad times and the more I remember the good times.
I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Leochic06 
I totally emphasize how you feel. I too have a list that I keep reading over and over. It seems like the further away I get my my relationship (one month no contact) the less I forget about the bad times and the more I remember the good times.
I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Leochic06
I totally emphasize how you feel. I too have a list that I keep reading over and over. It seems like the further away I get my my relationship (one month no contact) the less I forget about the bad times and the more I remember the good times.
I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
Stay strong. Therapy does really help. It’s what helped give me the strength to walk away. And if you don’t like your therapist, find another one. Best of luck to you. I’m always happy to talk.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
imaginarium….short term pain....for the long-term gain.
I think that a lot of people stay in toxic relationships because they can't face the short term pain....
If they only knew and believed that they would be so much happier in the long run....
Not able to tolerate the delayed gratification.....
I once read about an experiment on delayed gratification in children.....
They placed a marshmallow in front of the children and left them alone in the room for 15 minutes. The children were told that they could eat that marshmallow...BUt...if they didn't eat the marshmallow, that they would receive 2 marshmallows that they could eat, at the end of the 15 minutes....
I think that a lot of people stay in toxic relationships because they can't face the short term pain....
If they only knew and believed that they would be so much happier in the long run....
Not able to tolerate the delayed gratification.....
I once read about an experiment on delayed gratification in children.....
They placed a marshmallow in front of the children and left them alone in the room for 15 minutes. The children were told that they could eat that marshmallow...BUt...if they didn't eat the marshmallow, that they would receive 2 marshmallows that they could eat, at the end of the 15 minutes....
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Imaginarium
Leochic, I’ve noticed that the further out from the start of no contact, that it gets harder. Like the realization that if things go well, I’ll never speak to him again. I’ve known and loved him for almost 20 years and that thought is very overwhelming now. But then I think about what contact looks like. He’ll either say mean things and make me feel bad, or talk his way back into my life and make me feel bad. I’ve never had an ex, even the only other one who broke my heart, that gave me such anxiety at the thought of reopening the conversation. I take that to mean I shouldn’t. Tomorrow is my birthday. I feel like after tomorrow and not talking to him my heart will move on a little more.
Stay strong. Therapy does really help. It’s what helped give me the strength to walk away. And if you don’t like your therapist, find another one. Best of luck to you. I’m always happy to talk.
in our 30 days. I passed out one year anniversary and a couple of important dates. Each day was hard. But your right. It has made me stronger.
I totally get how you feel. The longer the time away the more you wonder if they even miss you.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
After 5 years working my program, I can tell you it will get better if you stick with yours.
The intense 14 years we had together seem like it happened to somebody else.
Do I still miss him? Sometimes.
If I happen to run into him, it is easy with no emotional punch. That doesn't mean I don't care, I am successfully able to resist the urge to jump in and fix.
As for the rest of the world, I am REALLY picky who I hang out with.
The intense 14 years we had together seem like it happened to somebody else.
Do I still miss him? Sometimes.
If I happen to run into him, it is easy with no emotional punch. That doesn't mean I don't care, I am successfully able to resist the urge to jump in and fix.
As for the rest of the world, I am REALLY picky who I hang out with.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
It has been a year for me and so worth it. Many days heartbroken and crying but where I am at now, it was all worth it. I am at the point where I am disgusted with myself that I spent and wasted 10 years with him. Stay strong.
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