I could really use some words of ecouragment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
I could really use some words of ecouragment
Man this is tough.
i have never one anything near as tough as this. Im a that point with AW.
but first a bit of background.
she drinks alot and has done for 10 years or so.
I think i have been tru the spectrum of support methods before discovering the the C's.
2 nights ago after being told by AW several time for the past few weeks that she is over rinking and wants to be done we went out for a bit of a date night.
We went to the movies, she brought along a big hip flask of vodka and rank that through the movie.
we left halfway through (partly because the movie ragged, mostly because she was drunk and falling asleep and complaining about the movie)
we went and saw her mum to borrow a cake tin so she can make a bday cake for my youngest son, got a present from her mum, ha an aurgument with her mum,
abused me when she got in the car to go home.
i told her to walk home because you do not treat me like that and then expect a ride home.
She walked home i stayed with her mum for a bit and we talk about AW and her alcoholism.
I tell her mum i am at the end of my rope and dont know how much more i can take.
i leave after a bit.
I arrive home at the same time as AW.
she goes to bed, i stay up.
she gets up an hour or so later and acts as if nothing has happened because she cant remember it.
arguement( where i keep a calm lowered voice the entire time)
i leave in the morning before she wakes to spend time with my family from interstate who arrived that day. i arrive back after spending the day out.
she has been down on herself the entire day.
drunk again
we make up a fair amount( at least to the point of wanting to work things out
then mood flip in a instant.
im a fing f for forgetting that i had the cake tin in the car and now everyone is going to think she is worthless because she couldnt make a cake and its all my fault.
various other attacks at me.
the comes back to bed with her last words " you realy know how to make me feel lke ****"
i get up for a smoke sick of being attacked.
she comes down i tell her to go away i do not want to be around her right now.
she refuses
i ask several more times she refuses
i leave the room and go to another.
she follows to continue the argument.
she walks out half way thru and goes to bed.
i stay up with everything on my mind.
also keeping in mind that i was to pick up my three boys in themorning for access weekend.
i fall asleep at 730 on the couch.
woken at 830 by her standing over me.
she tells me she has a spot in the morning at the detox place to get clean.
i forget what else was said but the air was tense.
i walk out the house without saying much and pick up my boys to spend time with my family from melbourne.
she is now at her mum's waiting to be taking to detox (by her mum not me)
i get a phone call which i miss from her mum.
it was her. talk to her and she is sorry, tells me she loves me.
her mum gets back on the phone and starts guilting me into staying with AW.
I stop her and say i cant take it all.
I have 3 boys to look out for.
i know the timing is bad but i cant take anymore.
I just cant take anymore.
im now not answering her phone calls.
thank fully calls with stop when she goes into detox.
thank fully my family is amazing and is helping me be strong.
this is so hard to stay strong esp when i have the boys, but at the same time they are giving me strength.
ive broken down so many times today my eyes are killing me.
I love her to bits but i just cant take anymore,
i cant take the abuse the anger the feeling that im the bad guy that is the cause of the problems.
i need some help, some kind words or some harsh truths.
All i know right know is this is the hardest thing i have EVER done in my life, and its so hard to be strong.
i have never one anything near as tough as this. Im a that point with AW.
but first a bit of background.
she drinks alot and has done for 10 years or so.
I think i have been tru the spectrum of support methods before discovering the the C's.
2 nights ago after being told by AW several time for the past few weeks that she is over rinking and wants to be done we went out for a bit of a date night.
We went to the movies, she brought along a big hip flask of vodka and rank that through the movie.
we left halfway through (partly because the movie ragged, mostly because she was drunk and falling asleep and complaining about the movie)
we went and saw her mum to borrow a cake tin so she can make a bday cake for my youngest son, got a present from her mum, ha an aurgument with her mum,
abused me when she got in the car to go home.
i told her to walk home because you do not treat me like that and then expect a ride home.
She walked home i stayed with her mum for a bit and we talk about AW and her alcoholism.
I tell her mum i am at the end of my rope and dont know how much more i can take.
i leave after a bit.
I arrive home at the same time as AW.
she goes to bed, i stay up.
she gets up an hour or so later and acts as if nothing has happened because she cant remember it.
arguement( where i keep a calm lowered voice the entire time)
i leave in the morning before she wakes to spend time with my family from interstate who arrived that day. i arrive back after spending the day out.
she has been down on herself the entire day.
drunk again
we make up a fair amount( at least to the point of wanting to work things out
then mood flip in a instant.
im a fing f for forgetting that i had the cake tin in the car and now everyone is going to think she is worthless because she couldnt make a cake and its all my fault.
various other attacks at me.
the comes back to bed with her last words " you realy know how to make me feel lke ****"
i get up for a smoke sick of being attacked.
she comes down i tell her to go away i do not want to be around her right now.
she refuses
i ask several more times she refuses
i leave the room and go to another.
she follows to continue the argument.
she walks out half way thru and goes to bed.
i stay up with everything on my mind.
also keeping in mind that i was to pick up my three boys in themorning for access weekend.
i fall asleep at 730 on the couch.
woken at 830 by her standing over me.
she tells me she has a spot in the morning at the detox place to get clean.
i forget what else was said but the air was tense.
i walk out the house without saying much and pick up my boys to spend time with my family from melbourne.
she is now at her mum's waiting to be taking to detox (by her mum not me)
i get a phone call which i miss from her mum.
it was her. talk to her and she is sorry, tells me she loves me.
her mum gets back on the phone and starts guilting me into staying with AW.
I stop her and say i cant take it all.
I have 3 boys to look out for.
i know the timing is bad but i cant take anymore.
I just cant take anymore.
im now not answering her phone calls.
thank fully calls with stop when she goes into detox.
thank fully my family is amazing and is helping me be strong.
this is so hard to stay strong esp when i have the boys, but at the same time they are giving me strength.
ive broken down so many times today my eyes are killing me.
I love her to bits but i just cant take anymore,
i cant take the abuse the anger the feeling that im the bad guy that is the cause of the problems.
i need some help, some kind words or some harsh truths.
All i know right know is this is the hardest thing i have EVER done in my life, and its so hard to be strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome, Sharkbait.
It is hard, REALLY hard, finally breaking free from the cycle of alcoholic madness.
It's OK to want a better quality of life for yourself, and your sons, even if you love her.
She's an adult, and has to live her own life, and solve her own problems, and fix her own messes. It's not your job, even if you love her.
More folks will be along shortly; I just wanted to welcome you and send some encouragement.
CLMI
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Shark,
I'm sorry to read about what you have been going through. You do not deserve the abuse, and your boys do not deserve to live with all the chaos that comes within the household of an active alcoholic.
Things will change for you when you decide to change them. When you are really ready, you will know. It can be as simple as changing just one thing you do today.....not every decision and every change has to be made at once.
Huge hugs, HG
I'm sorry to read about what you have been going through. You do not deserve the abuse, and your boys do not deserve to live with all the chaos that comes within the household of an active alcoholic.
Things will change for you when you decide to change them. When you are really ready, you will know. It can be as simple as changing just one thing you do today.....not every decision and every change has to be made at once.
Huge hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
Sharkbait,
You have been through the wringer, haven't you? You are doing what's best for yourself and she is doing what's best for her right now.
you don't have to decide everything today. You don't have to decide ANYTHING today. You can just resolve to treat yourself well, kindly and gently. And tomorrow will take care of it's self.
It is hard. So, so hard. Keep coming back here and posting. There are lots of people with great experience to offer.
You have been through the wringer, haven't you? You are doing what's best for yourself and she is doing what's best for her right now.
you don't have to decide everything today. You don't have to decide ANYTHING today. You can just resolve to treat yourself well, kindly and gently. And tomorrow will take care of it's self.
It is hard. So, so hard. Keep coming back here and posting. There are lots of people with great experience to offer.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
Ah guilt...the answer for any alcoholic who isn't ready to accept responsibility yet. Anything she has to say now is most likely the alcohol talking. Your responsibility now is keeping yourself sane for your kids. YOU know that you have done what you can, but her sobriety is on HER. When she can accept that, she can start helping herself. Keep posting here and look for the stuff here to read. There is some very valuable info here. Keeping you both in my prayers.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Shark,
Sorry for the BS you have been through the past few days. It's good she is going away for a bit, if only to give you some peaceful space to breathe. Can you get to some Al-Anon meetings over the next few days? I know you will be busy with the boys, but this is important for all of you.
You don't deserve the treatment you have been getting lately--nobody does. Do what you need to do to step away from the craziness. Your boys need a healthy dad.
Hugs,
Sorry for the BS you have been through the past few days. It's good she is going away for a bit, if only to give you some peaceful space to breathe. Can you get to some Al-Anon meetings over the next few days? I know you will be busy with the boys, but this is important for all of you.
You don't deserve the treatment you have been getting lately--nobody does. Do what you need to do to step away from the craziness. Your boys need a healthy dad.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Sharkbait,
Welcome. Sorry for your need to be here, but glad you are as it has been a life saver for me, and many others. so many people here who can share their similar experiences and offer support.
What stood out to me in your post, was the way you are taking care of yourself here, and looking out for the boys too. Letting go, and letting the drinker fix his/her self is so important. Keeping the three c's in mind helps me too.
Whether she recovers or not is totally on her, and you seem to be well aware of that. That is a good thing. Detachment from the madness will bring much needed rest for your brain. even tho the problem is so sad , taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do.
we are here for you, and i hope that your wife is successful in finding recovery. Take care,
chicory
Welcome. Sorry for your need to be here, but glad you are as it has been a life saver for me, and many others. so many people here who can share their similar experiences and offer support.
What stood out to me in your post, was the way you are taking care of yourself here, and looking out for the boys too. Letting go, and letting the drinker fix his/her self is so important. Keeping the three c's in mind helps me too.
Whether she recovers or not is totally on her, and you seem to be well aware of that. That is a good thing. Detachment from the madness will bring much needed rest for your brain. even tho the problem is so sad , taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do.
we are here for you, and i hope that your wife is successful in finding recovery. Take care,
chicory
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Shark ((((manly hugs)))).
What you are going through sounds very much like what I just went trough and am still going through. I really feel for you dude. Luckily my daughters are adults and I didn't have to deal with that. I moved out about 2 months ago.
Based on my experience focus on yourself. As I have found out just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to live with them. This is a hard time but you can get through it.
As others have said, go to al-anon meeting and read/post here. We are here for you.
Just remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Your friend,
What you are going through sounds very much like what I just went trough and am still going through. I really feel for you dude. Luckily my daughters are adults and I didn't have to deal with that. I moved out about 2 months ago.
Based on my experience focus on yourself. As I have found out just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to live with them. This is a hard time but you can get through it.
As others have said, go to al-anon meeting and read/post here. We are here for you.
Just remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Welcome to the forum. The only advice I can give you is try not to feel guilty about taking care of yourself and your sons. You may find some comfort here, and some good advice from people who've been where you are.
I, too am coming to grips with having an alcoholic wife, so I can relate to some of what is happening to you, though everybody's experience is different.
Hang in there, and keep posting.
I, too am coming to grips with having an alcoholic wife, so I can relate to some of what is happening to you, though everybody's experience is different.
Hang in there, and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
[QUOTE=Sharkbait;3035414]Man this is tough.
Perhaps the timing is just right.
I am glad that you know about the three C's, so you can keep in mind that you did not cause her drinking. And yes, we do need help when we have been so badly affected by someones sickness. If you can get to some al-anon meetings, that will help more than you can imagine, to take care of yourself and your boys. your wife is her own responsibility.
Yes, it is very hard. We love them, and cannot make them well. It seems that it is a choice for them to stop drinking and when they don't we want to help them to make right choices. but it is a sickness, and she needs help in order to choose to get well, and part of that motivation to get well will come from reaping the consequences of her bad choices.
my best to you, and your boys. i hope that she chooses a sober life.
hugs
chicory
her mum gets back on the phone and starts guilting me into staying with AW.
I stop her and say i cant take it all.
I have 3 boys to look out for.
i know the timing is bad but i cant take anymore.
I stop her and say i cant take it all.
I have 3 boys to look out for.
i know the timing is bad but i cant take anymore.
I love her to bits but i just cant take anymore,
i cant take the abuse the anger the feeling that im the bad guy that is the cause of the problems.
i need some help, some kind words or some harsh truths.
i cant take the abuse the anger the feeling that im the bad guy that is the cause of the problems.
i need some help, some kind words or some harsh truths.
All i know right know is this is the hardest thing i have EVER done in my life, and its so hard to be strong.
my best to you, and your boys. i hope that she chooses a sober life.
hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
another thought for you.
someone once told me that sometimes the right things are the hardest things to do. it is bound to hurt, and you are bound to be sad for her. but keep doing the next right thing. as they say here
someone once told me that sometimes the right things are the hardest things to do. it is bound to hurt, and you are bound to be sad for her. but keep doing the next right thing. as they say here
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Shark, I am sorry you are struggling right now. Prayers your wife finds recovery.
What hit me like a ton of bricks was the phrase, "nothing changes if nothing changes" and the realization that nothing was changing because I wasn't making anything change. Emphasis on "I". All of the sudden, the Serenity Prayer made sense. Accept the things I can't control (RAH and the drinking/unacceptable behavior) and have the courage to change the things I can (me and my living situation).
So I moved out. Started to really focus on me. Work on me. Change my own stinkin thinkin. Have some successes (buying my own house, getting my life back, finding peace in the midst of a painful period in my life, etc)
And today, I am my own success story. And I am still married to the RAH, and amazingly, my getting out of the line of fire did make his face himself and so far, he seems committed to his own recovery. But the real success is that I found myself again, I am my own utmost priority, I am happy regardless, and have grown exponentially over the last year. I am a far more grounded person today that I was a year ago when I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you don't like how things are today...change something. That's your power. What your AW does isn't anything you can control, so why bother worrying about it? Go forth on your own...your life is waiting.
Stay strong!
~T
What hit me like a ton of bricks was the phrase, "nothing changes if nothing changes" and the realization that nothing was changing because I wasn't making anything change. Emphasis on "I". All of the sudden, the Serenity Prayer made sense. Accept the things I can't control (RAH and the drinking/unacceptable behavior) and have the courage to change the things I can (me and my living situation).
So I moved out. Started to really focus on me. Work on me. Change my own stinkin thinkin. Have some successes (buying my own house, getting my life back, finding peace in the midst of a painful period in my life, etc)
And today, I am my own success story. And I am still married to the RAH, and amazingly, my getting out of the line of fire did make his face himself and so far, he seems committed to his own recovery. But the real success is that I found myself again, I am my own utmost priority, I am happy regardless, and have grown exponentially over the last year. I am a far more grounded person today that I was a year ago when I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you don't like how things are today...change something. That's your power. What your AW does isn't anything you can control, so why bother worrying about it? Go forth on your own...your life is waiting.
Stay strong!
~T
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