Sharkbait,
Welcome. Sorry for your need to be here, but glad you are as it has been a life saver for me, and many others. so many people here who can share their similar experiences and offer support.
What stood out to me in your post, was the way you are taking care of yourself here, and looking out for the boys too. Letting go, and letting the drinker fix his/her self is so important. Keeping the three c's in mind helps me too.
Whether she recovers or not is totally on her, and you seem to be well aware of that. That is a good thing. Detachment from the madness will bring much needed rest for your brain. even tho the problem is so sad , taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do.
we are here for you, and i hope that your wife is successful in finding recovery. Take care,
chicory