my story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
my story
Hello!
I am new to this site, and am very greatful I found it.
My story begins over 10 yrs ago. That's how long my partner and I have been together. He has been drinking much longer than that.
I got him off of hard alchohol, and had him way down on his beer.
But it seemed, everytime he was away from me for any length of tim(like visiting his family) he would get worse.
Jumping ahead....
He is native american and always talked of coming back to his reserve in Canada. His dream quickly became my dream and so a few years ago he came up ahead of me.
I came up for visits and could easily see how his drinking was just worse and worse.
So my last visit up here, I stayed when he asked me to, rather than go back and move up properly, leaving all of my things behind. I did this because, I was afraid if I left, he would not survive till I got back.
Now, to make things more complicated, When he came up the year previously I had managed to alienate his entire family, by blasting them for enabling him all of his life, and asking them to stop. Foolish I know, but I was desperate to get through to them.
So, after being here for a few months, we ran out of money, and he ran out of beer, and almost died from acute alchohol withdrawl.
He was alchohol free for 6 weeks. And when he started drinking again, he told his family that I told him to start drinking again.
After spending sometime on your website, I see now that they will say anything to keep drinking.
Which brings me to my current situation.
You can only stay in a Country for so long without applying for Residency before they tell you to take a hike.
And the money we had saved for the application is now gone. And he just keeps sitting here telling me not to worry, and It will work out.
Meanwhile, I have my own health issues to deal with, and have not had proper medical care in 2 yrs. I have addisson's disease. And the reserve dr. prescribes me the medication to keep me alive, but that's all he can do.
I know it was foolish of me to believe he would take care of everything. But I guess I just really needed to believe in something. Or I thought if I truly put my life in his hands that he would rise to the occassion.
I'm sorry I have gone on for so long, but I have no on to talk to. Everyone here with the exception of a select few, hate me because of all of the lies he has told.
You see, it wasn't like this in the states, because we both had are own money, and were living in my home. Up here its his house, his money, and his way. I can't work until I get my residency and I can't get that if he doesn't do anything.
Thanks for listening.
I am new to this site, and am very greatful I found it.
My story begins over 10 yrs ago. That's how long my partner and I have been together. He has been drinking much longer than that.
I got him off of hard alchohol, and had him way down on his beer.
But it seemed, everytime he was away from me for any length of tim(like visiting his family) he would get worse.
Jumping ahead....
He is native american and always talked of coming back to his reserve in Canada. His dream quickly became my dream and so a few years ago he came up ahead of me.
I came up for visits and could easily see how his drinking was just worse and worse.
So my last visit up here, I stayed when he asked me to, rather than go back and move up properly, leaving all of my things behind. I did this because, I was afraid if I left, he would not survive till I got back.
Now, to make things more complicated, When he came up the year previously I had managed to alienate his entire family, by blasting them for enabling him all of his life, and asking them to stop. Foolish I know, but I was desperate to get through to them.
So, after being here for a few months, we ran out of money, and he ran out of beer, and almost died from acute alchohol withdrawl.
He was alchohol free for 6 weeks. And when he started drinking again, he told his family that I told him to start drinking again.
After spending sometime on your website, I see now that they will say anything to keep drinking.
Which brings me to my current situation.
You can only stay in a Country for so long without applying for Residency before they tell you to take a hike.
And the money we had saved for the application is now gone. And he just keeps sitting here telling me not to worry, and It will work out.
Meanwhile, I have my own health issues to deal with, and have not had proper medical care in 2 yrs. I have addisson's disease. And the reserve dr. prescribes me the medication to keep me alive, but that's all he can do.
I know it was foolish of me to believe he would take care of everything. But I guess I just really needed to believe in something. Or I thought if I truly put my life in his hands that he would rise to the occassion.
I'm sorry I have gone on for so long, but I have no on to talk to. Everyone here with the exception of a select few, hate me because of all of the lies he has told.
You see, it wasn't like this in the states, because we both had are own money, and were living in my home. Up here its his house, his money, and his way. I can't work until I get my residency and I can't get that if he doesn't do anything.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Starlight, Someone here has a byline. "Do not make someone your priority, when all you are to them is an option"
You only have to read your own post and it just screams, "Go back home and take care of yourself. This is so unhealthy for YOU!"
He has his family now, leave. As you know, some people are more susceptible to alcoholism and for this reason you must be tough. He will do what he needs to do when and if he wants to.
Where are your family/friends? Are you really thinking he needs/deserves an entire group (family and you) to care for him, while your life is stalled at the edge of a cliff?
Alcoholism is progressive. If it is this bad now, it gets worse! I am not even going to bother commenting on his family, there is plenty reason to leave without even considering them. And before you even say love!, this is not love. This is a hostage situation. You can do this for a child or a partner who has become incapacitated to illness but not someone who is subject to a disease which will survive as long as it is allowed to.
Think of a tumor. It will survive until the blood supply is cut off. Only then can you even consider a recovery. Until then, it will shove vital organs out of the way, erode blood vessels and cut off blood supply to the host. You are the host!
Having provided you with a disgusting analogy, I will take my leave.:ghug3
You only have to read your own post and it just screams, "Go back home and take care of yourself. This is so unhealthy for YOU!"
He has his family now, leave. As you know, some people are more susceptible to alcoholism and for this reason you must be tough. He will do what he needs to do when and if he wants to.
Where are your family/friends? Are you really thinking he needs/deserves an entire group (family and you) to care for him, while your life is stalled at the edge of a cliff?
Alcoholism is progressive. If it is this bad now, it gets worse! I am not even going to bother commenting on his family, there is plenty reason to leave without even considering them. And before you even say love!, this is not love. This is a hostage situation. You can do this for a child or a partner who has become incapacitated to illness but not someone who is subject to a disease which will survive as long as it is allowed to.
Think of a tumor. It will survive until the blood supply is cut off. Only then can you even consider a recovery. Until then, it will shove vital organs out of the way, erode blood vessels and cut off blood supply to the host. You are the host!
Having provided you with a disgusting analogy, I will take my leave.:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Hollyanne,
Thankyou yes I am planning to leave. My passport runs out in July, and I'm gone!
My friend already has my room ready for me.
I've seen this coming for a while, and now I know I'm ready.
Why am I staying until then? I just think its the best and safest way to make a clean break.
And I need to find a way to come up with some money.
As for my family? They are addicts too, and I already broke from them.
I guess, I'm finally breaking my own cycle of addiction in steps.
One person at a time.
The first thing I'm going to do is get into therapy so I never do this to myself again!
Thanks again for the reply. The more I write the less afraid I feel.
Thankyou yes I am planning to leave. My passport runs out in July, and I'm gone!
My friend already has my room ready for me.
I've seen this coming for a while, and now I know I'm ready.
Why am I staying until then? I just think its the best and safest way to make a clean break.
And I need to find a way to come up with some money.
As for my family? They are addicts too, and I already broke from them.
I guess, I'm finally breaking my own cycle of addiction in steps.
One person at a time.
The first thing I'm going to do is get into therapy so I never do this to myself again!
Thanks again for the reply. The more I write the less afraid I feel.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not quite sure why you want to stay in this situation until July, given your health problems, especially. All it takes to achieve a "clean break" is to say goodbye and take your stuff.
I couldn't help but notice you said,
You still seem to have the delusion you can "cure" him if you are there. One thing about alcoholism is that we didn't CAUSE it, we can't CONTROL it, and we can't CURE it. He's made it pretty clear he isn't ready to quit. Staying until July won't change that.
I couldn't help but notice you said,
I got him off of hard alchohol, and had him way down on his beer.
But it seemed, everytime he was away from me for any length of tim(like visiting his family) he would get worse.
But it seemed, everytime he was away from me for any length of tim(like visiting his family) he would get worse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
If you've poked around recent threads, I have a pretty consistent reply to these situations.
He will not get better on his own. you can't make him get better. There is no sobriety fairy who will make a night time visit and sprinkle magic dust over your situation and make it go away.
You really have 3 choices:
Do nothing and hope for the best.
Leave, don't look back and take care of yourself.
Draw a line in the sand stating exactly what you will tolerate. Then be true to your word and leave if that line is crossed.
The last option seems to be the one people who stay with alcoholics need. We seem to need to know we did everything we could do, and gave the alcoholic every possible chance to take care of this. Understand, there is less than a .1% chance your alcoholic can choose to NOT cross the line (assuming the line you draw has some form of changing his behavior involved). So if you can understand the wisdom of the collective here, you might choose to skip step 3. but I certainly understand if you must choose step 3.
The alcoholic lies, manipulates, cheats, deludes, attacks, and does what ever they want to do. Most often with no thought to the consequence to those around. Whereas people like us are exactly the opposite. It is the worst example of "opposites attract". Do you ever see two alcoholics together? Rarely. It doesn't work. they need us there picking up the pieces. Over time, they slowly convert us.
Look back to how you behaved and thought about yourself before you met this person. Are you the same now as you were then?
Welcome and best to you.
He will not get better on his own. you can't make him get better. There is no sobriety fairy who will make a night time visit and sprinkle magic dust over your situation and make it go away.
You really have 3 choices:
Do nothing and hope for the best.
Leave, don't look back and take care of yourself.
Draw a line in the sand stating exactly what you will tolerate. Then be true to your word and leave if that line is crossed.
The last option seems to be the one people who stay with alcoholics need. We seem to need to know we did everything we could do, and gave the alcoholic every possible chance to take care of this. Understand, there is less than a .1% chance your alcoholic can choose to NOT cross the line (assuming the line you draw has some form of changing his behavior involved). So if you can understand the wisdom of the collective here, you might choose to skip step 3. but I certainly understand if you must choose step 3.
The alcoholic lies, manipulates, cheats, deludes, attacks, and does what ever they want to do. Most often with no thought to the consequence to those around. Whereas people like us are exactly the opposite. It is the worst example of "opposites attract". Do you ever see two alcoholics together? Rarely. It doesn't work. they need us there picking up the pieces. Over time, they slowly convert us.
Look back to how you behaved and thought about yourself before you met this person. Are you the same now as you were then?
Welcome and best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Thankyou all for your words ZRX. And yes I was under the delusion that I could fix it.
But I surrendered that fantasy when he went back to it, and used me as the scapegoat.
Then I deluded myself into thinking it wouldn't get any worse.
And I am glad you are challenging my decision to wait until July, because I need straight talk Lexiecat. So thank you.
I sit here and type ever fearful that he will find out what I am doing, but having the courage to do it any way. Maybe with each day I'll get stronger.
But I'm just starting to realize the extent of the deception and manipulation, like I'm just waking up from a dream.
I know it's my fault for being in this position in the first place, and only I can get myself out. Like I said, for now anyway, I believe waiting a bit longer, so I can come up with some money, is best, and safest for me.
But if and when things get worse it might bolster me to speed up my time table.
In the meantime, I'm going to visit this site as much as I can to continue to educate myself, and to keep it real.
But I surrendered that fantasy when he went back to it, and used me as the scapegoat.
Then I deluded myself into thinking it wouldn't get any worse.
And I am glad you are challenging my decision to wait until July, because I need straight talk Lexiecat. So thank you.
I sit here and type ever fearful that he will find out what I am doing, but having the courage to do it any way. Maybe with each day I'll get stronger.
But I'm just starting to realize the extent of the deception and manipulation, like I'm just waking up from a dream.
I know it's my fault for being in this position in the first place, and only I can get myself out. Like I said, for now anyway, I believe waiting a bit longer, so I can come up with some money, is best, and safest for me.
But if and when things get worse it might bolster me to speed up my time table.
In the meantime, I'm going to visit this site as much as I can to continue to educate myself, and to keep it real.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Here's an additional thought.
I'm ashamed!
Now that I'm finally waking up to reality. I am ashamed that I've wasted so many years of my life. Ashamed that I could be so stupid, and think so little of myself as to feel this is all I deserve! No I deserve more even if no one else thinks so. I know I do.
I'm a Leo, and the funny, inteligent, beautiful lion is going to fight it's way to the surface any day now, and I will once again Roar!
I'm ashamed!
Now that I'm finally waking up to reality. I am ashamed that I've wasted so many years of my life. Ashamed that I could be so stupid, and think so little of myself as to feel this is all I deserve! No I deserve more even if no one else thinks so. I know I do.
I'm a Leo, and the funny, inteligent, beautiful lion is going to fight it's way to the surface any day now, and I will once again Roar!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by starlight40 
Here's an additional thought.
I'm ashamed!
Now that I'm finally waking up to reality. I am ashamed that I've wasted so many years of my life. Ashamed that I could be so stupid, and think so little of myself as to feel this is all I deserve! No I deserve more even if no one else thinks so. I know I do.
I'm a Leo, and the funny, inteligent, beautiful lion is going to fight it's way to the surface any day now, and I will once again Roar!
I'm ashamed!
Now that I'm finally waking up to reality. I am ashamed that I've wasted so many years of my life. Ashamed that I could be so stupid, and think so little of myself as to feel this is all I deserve! No I deserve more even if no one else thinks so. I know I do.
I'm a Leo, and the funny, inteligent, beautiful lion is going to fight it's way to the surface any day now, and I will once again Roar!
The challenges you overcome in the very near future will forevermore define who you are.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Don't worry about the decisions you have made...
...and the things you have done. They are the past, and kicking yourself is a waste of time and just hurts. Now, however, there are decisions to be made, and things to do, that will affect your present and your future.
Now that you have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did not cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, start working on yourself so you don't repeat this pattern and continue to try and mother grown ass men (and strap on their dreams as your own). Adult relationships are between equals, not parents and children.
Here's where I started when I needed to do the same thing:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
I highly recommend going to at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. Keep an open mind. Focus on the reasons to go rather than the reasons not to-- you may find plenty of both.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Now that you have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did not cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, start working on yourself so you don't repeat this pattern and continue to try and mother grown ass men (and strap on their dreams as your own). Adult relationships are between equals, not parents and children.
Here's where I started when I needed to do the same thing:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
I highly recommend going to at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. Keep an open mind. Focus on the reasons to go rather than the reasons not to-- you may find plenty of both.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Hey, starlight! Welcome and I just wanted to say kudos to you for admitting shame.
It isn't due to anything you did. It is undoubtedly due to old junk in your past that says, "You must...blah blah blah"
The only thing you need to do is take care of you.
Thanks for being so real. It helps the rest of us.
You are with family, now, here on this board.
Stick around.
Hugs, peace
It isn't due to anything you did. It is undoubtedly due to old junk in your past that says, "You must...blah blah blah"
The only thing you need to do is take care of you.
Thanks for being so real. It helps the rest of us.
You are with family, now, here on this board.
Stick around.
Hugs, peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by starlight40
Here's an additional thought.
I'm ashamed!
Now that I'm finally waking up to reality. I am ashamed that I've wasted so many years of my life. Ashamed that I could be so stupid, and think so little of myself as to feel this is all I deserve! No I deserve more even if no one else thinks so. I know I do.
I'm ashamed!
Now that I'm finally waking up to reality. I am ashamed that I've wasted so many years of my life. Ashamed that I could be so stupid, and think so little of myself as to feel this is all I deserve! No I deserve more even if no one else thinks so. I know I do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
I got chills!
Thankyou all so much for your words and your caring!
I was just thinking to myself that for 40 years I've never known real love.
And those few friends I have that do love me (in a healthy way)
I keep at arms length because I don't want to dissapoint them, by knowing the real me. But they do know the real me and they love me just the same, and there is nothing wrong with them!
I know that sounds awful and pitiful,but finally admitting that to myself, and now to you, makes me feel proud in a way!
I've put my whole lifeforce into taking care of others, and never one ounce into myself, because I never felt worthy. (well how can you when your own parents never treated you as any more than either a convenient scapegoat or an annoyance)
But for the first time in my life, I do feel worthy. I hope this feeling lasts!
So thank you for your words because I know them to be true.
Suddenly July seems very far away!
I never realized how far I had to go, until I had come this far!
I was just thinking to myself that for 40 years I've never known real love.
And those few friends I have that do love me (in a healthy way)
I keep at arms length because I don't want to dissapoint them, by knowing the real me. But they do know the real me and they love me just the same, and there is nothing wrong with them!
I know that sounds awful and pitiful,but finally admitting that to myself, and now to you, makes me feel proud in a way!
I've put my whole lifeforce into taking care of others, and never one ounce into myself, because I never felt worthy. (well how can you when your own parents never treated you as any more than either a convenient scapegoat or an annoyance)
But for the first time in my life, I do feel worthy. I hope this feeling lasts!
So thank you for your words because I know them to be true.
Suddenly July seems very far away!
I never realized how far I had to go, until I had come this far!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by starlight40
I know that sounds awful and pitiful,but finally admitting that to myself, and now to you, makes me feel proud in a way!
It's an exhilarating feeling.
You have no idea how many times, after working to deal with the after-effects of my relationship with XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend), I felt like climbing a giant mountain and shouting,
"HI SELF! I'M SO HAPPY TO FINALLY MEET YOU!"
Enjoy the feeling. It's YOURS!
:day6
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