Things you wanted to say but never did
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Things you wanted to say but never did
I was thinking of writing a fake letter to my XABF just to get out all my frustrations and anger that I held inside and then burning it. Thought it might be theraputic for everyone if I asked what would you say to your partner or ex partner in a letter about things you wanted to say but never did?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Yes - I continue to write it every so often - its about 10 pages long now. It's become more of a journal for me than a letter to him, though! It is very therapeutic. I do this often, when something makes me really angry and I know I can never confront it for whatever reason - kind of like making a resentment list. Helps to get it all out and then analyze it a bit. Sometimes, getting it out before you can help you re-frame it so you don't end up angry, resentful and bitter.
I would never, ever give him this letter, though. Because I realize now a lot of it is my own BS. Funny how it takes that turn over time!
I would never, ever give him this letter, though. Because I realize now a lot of it is my own BS. Funny how it takes that turn over time!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
It helps a lot to write and get things out.
Keep it for YOURSELF in a safe place, in case you start to doubt yourself, you'll have it as a reminder. (I would not re-read unless you feel the need of a reminder, re-reading brings up too many feelings sometimes.)
I wrote one, I posted it awhile ago, but I'll re-post it here rather than add a link to the other thread.
Keep it for YOURSELF in a safe place, in case you start to doubt yourself, you'll have it as a reminder. (I would not re-read unless you feel the need of a reminder, re-reading brings up too many feelings sometimes.)
I wrote one, I posted it awhile ago, but I'll re-post it here rather than add a link to the other thread.
Originally Posted by StarCat 
XABF,
I told you that I loved you, but that I hated my life due to the strain of dealing with the alcohol.
You said you'd stop, you wanted to stop, but you showed that you weren't interested yet.
I told you that you picked the most wonderful places to go, but I'd rather stay home and not spend money because balancing the bills was so stressful, and I couldn't enjoy going out anymore.
You said you agreed, but not yet - maybe in two years.
I said that I didn't know who I was anymore, that you were pushing me to be things and I wasn't sure that's who I was, and that I felt like all you wanted was for me to agree with you and do all the chores so you wouldn't have to.
You said that upset you, that you knew who I was, and that now I was saying I didn't want to do all the things you loved me for doing.
I said it hurt me, that you felt my purpose in life was to abandon myself completely and just be your maid.
You got angry, and said there are so many things you do for me, I had no right to say that.
I told you I didn't feel like I had a say in anything, that I didn't want all those things, I just wanted to stop worrying about how to pay for them.
You said you understood, but you really loved me and wanted to show it, ignored my request and did them anyway.
I told you I needed some space, that while you were in rehab working on you I needed some space to work on me.
You said you understood, and gave me a list of all the problems you had with me, so I could be more of what you wanted, and called me several times a day to make sure I didn't forget.
I told you we needed to slow down, that everything moved too fast, and I wanted to start over from the beginning.
You said okay, then tried to propose to me during visiting hours in rehab, and didn't understand (or didn't want to understand) that when I said "Don't ask," I meant "I can't answer 'yes'."
I told you that it was difficult walking in your shadow, that you had all the fun and I did all the chores.
You told me that you wouldn't drink anymore, so it would be different, but that now you weren't drinking all our current problems were my fault.
I told you that I needed someone to listen to me.
You asked questions and then told me I was talking too much when I started to answer, then changed the subject completely when I tried to talk about me and my feelings.
I told you I needed someone who loved me for who I am.
You said you do, but there's so many things I have to change so I can be better.
I told you I needed space. You made sure I didn't get any.
I told you I needed love. You smothered me in rules.
I told you I needed to be me. You told me who I had to be to suit you.
I used up everything I had and everything I was to try and earn your love, and it wasn't enough for you, you wanted more than I am, and you wanted me to be less.
So now I am less, and it's still not enough to calm your insatiable appetite, your demands, your requests for what I "owe you." I gave you everything I have, everything I was, I laid it all down in pursuit of a ghost of a shadow of a lie.
Whatever you claim I owe you...
I owe myself more.
I told you that I loved you, but that I hated my life due to the strain of dealing with the alcohol.
You said you'd stop, you wanted to stop, but you showed that you weren't interested yet.
I told you that you picked the most wonderful places to go, but I'd rather stay home and not spend money because balancing the bills was so stressful, and I couldn't enjoy going out anymore.
You said you agreed, but not yet - maybe in two years.
I said that I didn't know who I was anymore, that you were pushing me to be things and I wasn't sure that's who I was, and that I felt like all you wanted was for me to agree with you and do all the chores so you wouldn't have to.
You said that upset you, that you knew who I was, and that now I was saying I didn't want to do all the things you loved me for doing.
I said it hurt me, that you felt my purpose in life was to abandon myself completely and just be your maid.
You got angry, and said there are so many things you do for me, I had no right to say that.
I told you I didn't feel like I had a say in anything, that I didn't want all those things, I just wanted to stop worrying about how to pay for them.
You said you understood, but you really loved me and wanted to show it, ignored my request and did them anyway.
I told you I needed some space, that while you were in rehab working on you I needed some space to work on me.
You said you understood, and gave me a list of all the problems you had with me, so I could be more of what you wanted, and called me several times a day to make sure I didn't forget.
I told you we needed to slow down, that everything moved too fast, and I wanted to start over from the beginning.
You said okay, then tried to propose to me during visiting hours in rehab, and didn't understand (or didn't want to understand) that when I said "Don't ask," I meant "I can't answer 'yes'."
I told you that it was difficult walking in your shadow, that you had all the fun and I did all the chores.
You told me that you wouldn't drink anymore, so it would be different, but that now you weren't drinking all our current problems were my fault.
I told you that I needed someone to listen to me.
You asked questions and then told me I was talking too much when I started to answer, then changed the subject completely when I tried to talk about me and my feelings.
I told you I needed someone who loved me for who I am.
You said you do, but there's so many things I have to change so I can be better.
I told you I needed space. You made sure I didn't get any.
I told you I needed love. You smothered me in rules.
I told you I needed to be me. You told me who I had to be to suit you.
I used up everything I had and everything I was to try and earn your love, and it wasn't enough for you, you wanted more than I am, and you wanted me to be less.
So now I am less, and it's still not enough to calm your insatiable appetite, your demands, your requests for what I "owe you." I gave you everything I have, everything I was, I laid it all down in pursuit of a ghost of a shadow of a lie.
Whatever you claim I owe you...
I owe myself more.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Well, I did that: I wrote RAXH a letter just venting to get out everything that I hadn't said. I never intended to send it, but he kept harping about how he didn't understand why I wouldn't come back and he wanted to understand -- but whatever efforts I made to tell him didn't work, and it became obvious to me that the problem wasn't that he didn't understand; the problem was that he didn't like the answer so he wanted another one. And he kept pushing and pushing and finally one night I had enough and sent it to him. With the introduction: "You said you wanted to understand. Here's me being as clear as I can."
I wouldn't recommend doing that, but it had the desired effect. He stopped trying to get me to come back.
I wouldn't recommend doing that, but it had the desired effect. He stopped trying to get me to come back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
I'd want to say:
'I wish I'd never met you (and I mean that) - but since something good almost always emerges from something bad, I could therefore say that my own growth through this hell, has made me a much stronger person than I ever though I could be. I'd almost have to thank you for that ... but not quite
'
'I wish I'd never met you (and I mean that) - but since something good almost always emerges from something bad, I could therefore say that my own growth through this hell, has made me a much stronger person than I ever though I could be. I'd almost have to thank you for that ... but not quite
'
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I will soon be celebrating two years - post A.
In the early days, I wrote one email (unsent) asking why. This was before I had the pleasure of my wonderful counsellor and the knowledge that I don't need the A's input to get answers and they were right at my fingertips.
If I were to relay anything to the A now.. it would be.
"For every last excuse you made, for every time I sat broken and in tears, for every harsh word and action, for the myriad of ways you hurt me, for each miserable moment.. I just want to say, you shattered my world into pieces, you taught me some lessons, it made me strong.. Thank you."
Tx
In the early days, I wrote one email (unsent) asking why. This was before I had the pleasure of my wonderful counsellor and the knowledge that I don't need the A's input to get answers and they were right at my fingertips.
If I were to relay anything to the A now.. it would be.
"For every last excuse you made, for every time I sat broken and in tears, for every harsh word and action, for the myriad of ways you hurt me, for each miserable moment.. I just want to say, you shattered my world into pieces, you taught me some lessons, it made me strong.. Thank you."
Tx
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
One time I wrote a letter to my AH--I think I was about 4-5 years into my marriage, and it was a long letter about how I felt and where I felt he was headed.
Not only did it do NOTHING, but he mocked me with some of the phrases in it for years.
I usually resort to the written word to solve other problems, but I will NEVER waste my time writing a letter to him again.
Now I prefer to be more like my mother, whom I used to tease with a take-off on Teddy Roosevelt: She always walked softly and carried a big stick.
Not only did it do NOTHING, but he mocked me with some of the phrases in it for years.
I usually resort to the written word to solve other problems, but I will NEVER waste my time writing a letter to him again.
Now I prefer to be more like my mother, whom I used to tease with a take-off on Teddy Roosevelt: She always walked softly and carried a big stick.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I have written many letters over the years. Many of them I sent.
When I was at the top of the mountain of pain, I wanted to say,
"More than anything my parents ever did, more than my stepmother, more than Allan (my ex-husband), more then the man who molested me, you hurt me. You hurt me more than anyone."
But what I would write today, is probably,
"I always wanted to be the one person in your life who would not leave you, but I simply couldn't be myself and be with you. I always believed you could do it, and live the full and beautiful life waiting for you. I always believed in you. But you did not believe."
When I was at the top of the mountain of pain, I wanted to say,
"More than anything my parents ever did, more than my stepmother, more than Allan (my ex-husband), more then the man who molested me, you hurt me. You hurt me more than anyone."
But what I would write today, is probably,
"I always wanted to be the one person in your life who would not leave you, but I simply couldn't be myself and be with you. I always believed you could do it, and live the full and beautiful life waiting for you. I always believed in you. But you did not believe."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I sent him plenty of emails over the years, letters, carefully worded. He never got it.
I had to write a letter the first time he went to rehab - an "impact statement" if you will.
Driving him to rehab - the first time - he was completely blacked out. He wasn't remembering that he'd just eaten, was ranting about all sorts of stuff, and it was the first time in my life I'd been scared of him. At one point (granted, this was a 3 hours drive) he started in about how I didn't appreciate what he was doing for me. And I ripped into him. I ranted about all the stuff he never did, how he should be grateful for ME, and I used the exact same language back at him.
It shut him up for about 10 minutes, but damn, it felt good to get that off my chest. Of course, he didn't remember it, but it felt good.
I had to write a letter the first time he went to rehab - an "impact statement" if you will.
Driving him to rehab - the first time - he was completely blacked out. He wasn't remembering that he'd just eaten, was ranting about all sorts of stuff, and it was the first time in my life I'd been scared of him. At one point (granted, this was a 3 hours drive) he started in about how I didn't appreciate what he was doing for me. And I ripped into him. I ranted about all the stuff he never did, how he should be grateful for ME, and I used the exact same language back at him.
It shut him up for about 10 minutes, but damn, it felt good to get that off my chest. Of course, he didn't remember it, but it felt good.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by DMC
Of course, he didn't remember it, but it felt good.
You'll feel better because you did it, and he won't have a memory of you baring your soul and listing your hurt to use to manipulate.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Most of the letter and emails I wrote I never sent. I have always used writing as a way of clarifying my own thinking. Probably part of why I post so often here. There's something about the way my brain organizes its thoughts when I'm writing that will often result in an "ah-HAH" moment for me--where something becomes clear that had been eluding me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Hi. Im Sharon here in
Baton Rouge, La. sober
for some 20 yrs. of many
1 days @ a time collected
together to get me where
I am today.
SR has been an added bonus
in my recovery for some
time now and an extremely
useful tool in my AA program.
Good Topic.
Thoughts of those who
wronged me in the pass
are too many to name or
remember.
That's if I want to go all
the way back to my grade
school or high school days.
All those classmates that
didnt want me as a friend
because they thought they
were better than I. Too
pretty. Too smart. Too
messed up on drugs or
alcohol.
All those who laughed at me.
Called me names. Picked
a fight with me. Bullied me.
Smirks, finger pointing,
name calling, whispers,
laughing.
As I sat alone in the cafeteria
or on the playgroud as if
I was contagious or a Leopard.
I would want to say, why
me. I wanted to be ur friend
and you hated me. For what?
Just because I looked different
or dressed different, not by
choice, but because I was
abused by my mom....and
many of you never knew cause
I had to keep it a secret.
A brother 11 mos older than
I but we graduated together,
chose to alienate me. Became
an informant to boast his ego
rather than protect his own
sister.
Shee.....
And now you wonder why
I became an alcoholic. Why
I drank. All to numb what
I endured as a child and adult.
That's alright.....I am in a
good place today and as long
as I stay true to myself and
the Man upstairs I dont have
to prove myself to no one else.
Baton Rouge, La. sober
for some 20 yrs. of many
1 days @ a time collected
together to get me where
I am today.
SR has been an added bonus
in my recovery for some
time now and an extremely
useful tool in my AA program.
Good Topic.
Thoughts of those who
wronged me in the pass
are too many to name or
remember.
That's if I want to go all
the way back to my grade
school or high school days.
All those classmates that
didnt want me as a friend
because they thought they
were better than I. Too
pretty. Too smart. Too
messed up on drugs or
alcohol.
All those who laughed at me.
Called me names. Picked
a fight with me. Bullied me.
Smirks, finger pointing,
name calling, whispers,
laughing.
As I sat alone in the cafeteria
or on the playgroud as if
I was contagious or a Leopard.
I would want to say, why
me. I wanted to be ur friend
and you hated me. For what?
Just because I looked different
or dressed different, not by
choice, but because I was
abused by my mom....and
many of you never knew cause
I had to keep it a secret.
A brother 11 mos older than
I but we graduated together,
chose to alienate me. Became
an informant to boast his ego
rather than protect his own
sister.
Shee.....
And now you wonder why
I became an alcoholic. Why
I drank. All to numb what
I endured as a child and adult.
That's alright.....I am in a
good place today and as long
as I stay true to myself and
the Man upstairs I dont have
to prove myself to no one else.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Today I would simply say:
"To be such a ladies man...'one whom can charm the pants off of any woman...' that was as good as it got for you. You were an awful lover, really awful. I have had better sex with myself."
Tomorrow something new will haunt my mind.......no doubt.......
"To be such a ladies man...'one whom can charm the pants off of any woman...' that was as good as it got for you. You were an awful lover, really awful. I have had better sex with myself."
Tomorrow something new will haunt my mind.......no doubt.......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
What a great question. I'm struggling with facing a divorce (22 yrs) and his relapse since December.
I was so ready to post something but I ready everyone else's post first. It seems that I've married the twin of Leise's husband! No kidding Lyn - your letter is spot on for me!
It's taken me a couple years to define it - just figured it our a couple months ago. Your letter summarizes it to a T.
Thanks for sharing everyone - good to hear that we are not alone with our feelings.
I was so ready to post something but I ready everyone else's post first. It seems that I've married the twin of Leise's husband! No kidding Lyn - your letter is spot on for me!
It's taken me a couple years to define it - just figured it our a couple months ago. Your letter summarizes it to a T.
Thanks for sharing everyone - good to hear that we are not alone with our feelings.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I would thank him for trying to teach me a lesson by walking out on me and the kids when I asked him not to rant and curse at me anymore. He taught me a lesson alright - that there is a big, interesting, exciting world out there, and now I am free to enjoy it.
I have three little children who can now grw up without being warped and twisted by the pressure cooker we lived in. We are happy and we are busy and we are healthy.
Thank you for teaching me that lesson and doing for me what I wasn't able to do for myself.
I have three little children who can now grw up without being warped and twisted by the pressure cooker we lived in. We are happy and we are busy and we are healthy.
Thank you for teaching me that lesson and doing for me what I wasn't able to do for myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
oh good topic...
I'm not going to promise I won't say these things to him because I may..but I doubt it would matter he's too wrapped up in his own selfishness and sickness to even care about me or anything that I find important.
I would say:
I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you blew it. All on your own, no one else to blame.
You ARE a selfish Pri$% ...I totally agree and if your looking for me to disagree and say "oh honey don't say that" ...as I have before..well I lied. You are what you are. Deal with it and live with it.
You are going to be miserable. You won't last 2 days alone. Good luck and good riddance!
Your doing me a favor by leaving me and the kids. Your giving me the oppty to have a good and happy life without your drama and trauma. Thank you for having the courage to let me go.
I'm not going to promise I won't say these things to him because I may..but I doubt it would matter he's too wrapped up in his own selfishness and sickness to even care about me or anything that I find important.
I would say:
I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you blew it. All on your own, no one else to blame.
You ARE a selfish Pri$% ...I totally agree and if your looking for me to disagree and say "oh honey don't say that" ...as I have before..well I lied. You are what you are. Deal with it and live with it.
You are going to be miserable. You won't last 2 days alone. Good luck and good riddance!
Your doing me a favor by leaving me and the kids. Your giving me the oppty to have a good and happy life without your drama and trauma. Thank you for having the courage to let me go.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 12
I've written emails, texts, and left voice mails baring my soul, my heartbroken rants and then found out later (when I reconciled with him again and again...) that he never received them: he deleted them without listening or reading because I was "hysterical" and he "figured" I was drunk (me, the person who drinks a couple of times a year, if that). I don't even bother wasting my time now. I have had a couple of wickedly delicious dreams where I was seriously punching him out, however.
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